Dear anita,

it was just that I thought, maybe the situation was difficult for him too. With living in different cities, different cultures and me being not easy to understand. But then again, he also lied and something was off.

Now I think it’s time to move on. I will never really understand him, but I understand myself better now. And I don’t want something like this to happen anymore, where I rush and don’t listen to my own emotions.

Most likely thoughts about him will still come up,but I want to try and not give them so much room anymore. Yesterday I also listened to a mindfulness meditations about thoughts, so I want to learn to control my thoughts more.

Last year my feelings of shame increased so much and sadly spread to my former dormitory too. I was so obsessed with what other people thought of me. Well, sometimes I still worry that they got a wrong impression of me, but I also need to let this go. I want to learn to find peace within myself, so I don’t worry so much about the approval of others anymore.

You are right that change doesn’t happen quickly. For example, last weekend, it was very mixed. One day I got lots of things done, the other day I was more unproductive. I don’t expect that everything will change after that one bath. If I do it, as it will be very cold… But it could just be a nice symbolic act and a way to feel more connected to myself and to nature.

I am so happy that I have this connection with nature, it always has a calming effect on me. Today I also went for a walk and my mind felt refreshed after it. I need to do it more often and include it into my routine, even if the weather is not so appealing at the moment. I am thankful that this year I got to pick mushrooms and nettles, go for hikes and to the forest and ocean.

You are right that I should repeat my goals from time to time, to remind myself. I also want to journal more. Gladly, this December I can work less hours, as I had collected a lot of hours in the past months. So it will a good time for me to reflect and work on myself.

And I want to focus more on my good qualities from now on, because they are there. Sometimes I think I could even think an “awesome” person without all the self doubt…

As for mindfulness practices, during the last days I journaled, cooked some fresh and tasty food for myself and went for a walk. Not everything everyday, but it is a start. Also, I tried to clear up a problem today, which did not work out, but at least I am a step further.

Dear anita,

thank you for your questions.

1. There are some small things: he told me he loved me. He stopped during sex when I asked him. When he slept at my place, he held me very tight all night. He took my hands, told me about his future plans. He called me when he moved, told me that I was a good person.

But then, he also didn’t have much time for me, never any time on the weekends. It always felt like he was only spending time with me, when he had nothing better to do? For example, he wanted to go out with his friends and then come to me at 2 am. But I am usually not awake at that time and declined. Then I even felt guilty about that. Now I think his offer was inconsiderate? Or at least that it was completely o.K. for me to decline that offer.

Overall, I felt like I should be available whenever he wants it, but also doesn’t take some time for me. And he talked on the phone often while we met. During the phone call I confronted him that he always talked on the phone. But he said it’s unfair for me to bring that up now. I apologized and then said that I should have said something. Which is true.

Then I start to worry about my own behaviour and if I worked hard enough. I question myself if I was too clingy and at the same time not good with communication? Maybe when he always wrote “how are you” in the facebook chat, he only wanted to chat when we were both online. But I often write longer messages when a friend is not online. And I was also kind of afraid of chatting in real time or phone calls, because I just didn’t feel so comfortable with him yet and like I could be myself. I had this strong feeling that I am not good enough and very weird.

But he also never said something, and I also didn’t say something, because I was too afraid. And when I called him to ask him about that, he immediately said he wants to break up. He said on the phone that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, that he never wanted to hurt anyone. And he sounded very desperate and like he was crying? I never understood what happened there, my intentions were only to clear things up. But maybe I also used the wrong words. I said: “Don’t you find it weird that we never communicate so much?”, something like that. But he just immediately got upset.

This kind of communication just drove me crazy… He never said what was going on, or what he didn’t like about my behaviour. He said “I have problems, but I can only tell you later”, then never explained further. Or didn’t answer for days, then said that he was sick. Later he explained, he didn’t want to tell me about his problems, because he didn’t want to lose me. Maybe we were just not right for each other, two bad communicators…

It also seemed like we couldn’t really talk about things. When I wanted to talk about something, explain something, he never said much to it, only things like “it’s o.K., don’t worry”. But maybe I am the problem there too, because I always need reassurance from others, when I should be sure within myself. Maybe I am just too difficult, with all my worries… I can imagine that it is not very easy for others to communicate with me.

2. When it comes to hard work he did for me, I mentioned most above. That he seldomly had time for me and also didn’t take the time to explain what was going on. I don’t have the feeling like he put much effort into building our relationship? But on the other hand, he once said that he wants to go to a cafe or cook traditional food for me, but I was the one who backed off or shyed away., as I was anxious. I know that I am a not so easy person to deal with. I would have needed much time to get to know him and feel comfortable with him. But I rushed it myself. I liked him so much that I tried to overcome my own fears and called him by myself and did things that I would normally not do. Sadly, I only ended up overstepping my own boundaries.

Also, he tired harder, after I said to him that I want to go no contact. He called me, wanted to talk to me. He then tried to call more often. He asked me to paint a picture of him… I guess he tried to make it better. But I just had lost my trust in him. And he wanted everything to go according to his conditions: we wanted to meet to talk about everything. But then he suddenly said he couldn’t come, because of his work (something about his keys, he had to give them back on that day). When I offered to come to his city, he didn’t want that, as he wanted me to wait quietly at home. Also he said something about him wanting to go swimming because of his back problems. But at the same time it seemed like he was able to come to me, if I let him spend the night at my place??? It seemed very strange to me and I trusted him even less. Then I sent him the message that I cannot do it.

The last time I met him was in April. We went for a walk. The next day I told him on the phone that I couldn’t do it. I knew you would be upset and never told you about this. Since then we have no contact, and I will leave him alone! It was my mistake to meet him again, but I have learned my lesson. But I still feel guilty that I did this, that I went back and forth like that with him.

3. I don’t think he helped me much? My state got much worse when I was with him. But I know that the problems come from inside me, my insecurities and all that. But at the same time, I don’t think he made much of an effort to understand me? I know I tried to understand him, but it was of no use.

It was all a big mess. Somehow I have to forgive myself. I know I did the best I could with my knowledge at the time. There were no bad intentions from me. But clearly I did not handle the situation well. Best to not date at the moment I think.

I want to learn how to overcome my feelings of shame and guilt instead. And learn to respect myself more. I was not connected to my own feelings at all, so worried to please another person. I don’t want that for myself anymore! I don’t want to be so dependent on another person’s approval anymore. I want to learn to find calm within myself.

Dear anita,

when I spoke to the client I was feeling unsure of myself, awkwardly laughing. Maybe I should have said it in a bit more serious tone. He seemed a bit annoyed/angry, when he responded with “I was just asking”. Maybe next time I could say: “I don’t want to engage in flirting at the workplace”. But it was good to clearly express my boundaries and say no.

Your suggestions regarding dating sound reasonable and how I would like to handle things myself in the future. But at the moment I don’t feel like I should be dating. People flirting with me also makes me feel very unsure and insecure. I am very inexperienced with dating/relationships. My therapist sometimes says that some people experience their puberty later in life. I hate to hear that, that I am still on that puberty level, but I guess it’s the sad and annoying truth.

About me getting angry at others: I am not sure if I am afraid of people getting angry. I just feel confused about it all.

I guess when reading about it in a newspaper, I am not involved in the situation and it cannot be my fault. It is easier to see what is happening.

When I am involved myself, I get confused easier. Especially when the other person comes to me and criticizes me or accuses me. Somehow I often believe their accusation or start doubting myself.

K. said to me “You never loved me” and “You only played with me.” And I started asking myself: is he right? Am I that horrible person who only uses others? I was not that open with him, but that was because I was afraid and ashamed and feeling unworthy… But I was not trying to deceive him. And I know that I wanted to love him, wanted to get to know him better… It takes me a long time to see things clearer… Now I think; I am not that horrible person, but I made mistakes. There is a lot that I have to learn.

The topic is very confusing for me. Maybe with a person like the man in the dormitory, I tried too hard to understand him, tried to forgive him and wanted to fix the situation. And he also acted like he was the one wronged, or like nothing had happened. That confused me.I should have walked away from the situation way earlier!

Maybe I did not get angry for long, because this relationship was so unhealthy for me.

The two relationships (or interactions) with men I had were just very confusing for me. Everything happened too fast and I was not able to truly evaluate the situation, or understand the person. I have almost no experience with men. For many years I was too afraid to even talk to them. I felt that they could never like me and walked away from dates and compliments. It seemed impossible for me that someone would want to be in a relationship with me.

In the relationships with men there is also another difference: physical intimacy. It made me more attached to them. I even missed the man from the dormitory for a while… I have not experienced much physical touch. Hugs and caresses are not common in my family. My father shakes my hand when welcoming me. My mother started to give hugs a few years ago, but it felt awkward for me. I miss that tenderness the most and K. gave a little of that…

At some people that were close I got angry. There was that one friend and we were close for a while. But after some time, I became slowly annoyed by her. She made pointed remarks, was very demanding and once told in front of some people that I didn’t know well that I am afraid of men (which I had talked about to her in private). My anger grew slowly and over time. Then I let the relationship fade out. I got angry at myself for not talking to her and explaining my feelings. But now I think, the important thing is, that I ended the friendship. But next time I can do better.

Sorry for the long text. As I am writing things out, it becomes a bit clearer to me, but I still don’t fully understand myself.

On a positive note, I started the illustration about the inner critic and am very happy with it! I wish I could show you, but I am worried to post things on this website, so I lose my anonymity.

Also, I want to use the end of the year to refresh myself. Handle things I have procrastinated on. Write to people I did not write to for long, work on some problems. Also exercise more and eat less sugar and journal more… Friday and Saturday I was doing well, but today not so well. It is still a work in progress!

Dear anita,

somehow I get more enraged when others get mistreated. Yesterday or so I read about this rapper who took his daughter to the doctor to get her virginity checked. It made me feel so angry. And then I had to think of the man at the dormitory. How he said that he wants to marry a virgin and doesn’t want the “garbage” of another man. While also saying that he had a different woman each night before he met me.

He said to me I was “pure”. I hate all of this! It makes me sick, this arrogance and this double standard. He doesn’t deserve to be with any woman. I know that I never want to be with such a man again.

I made the mistake to comment on another person’s backward comment, then felt more hurt…

But now I feel that I don’t want to waste my time with such people anymore. People with no empathy, who are arrogant and self-righteous! Never again!

I do not want to be that worthless thing anymore. I do not want to give in to such people like the rapper, the man in the dormitory or the commenter. Better not give them more power by doing what they want!

Sorry, I feel angry today and hurt.

What you wrote made a lot of sense. I am starting to understand things better. And I want to unlearn these behaviours, no longer submit to everything and not accept that people don’t treat me well.

Dear anita,

I just wrote a long text and then it was gone… But I want to thank you for your replies.

And you told me before about your past experiences. I am sorry that you had to go through this and that my threads remind you of this. Sometimes I worry to bring up K., as it might be distressing to you.But I still have a hard time understanding what happened and sometimes I get a strong urge to talk about it.

My resolution is to take better care of myself in the future. I also don’t want to drag another person into this mess.I want to establish good boundaries and say no, even if a man disagrees with my opinion. The price to pay would be too high.

Maybe tomorrow I can write more again. But I am o.k. today. I was at uni all day and had a normal conversation with my professor again. My only worry was, that I took up too much of his time. But his comments were very helpful and I got some work done. Also I talked to two other students and went to eat with another one. I felt normal and comfortable with myself. I felt like I could be worthy of being liked. Sometimes I ask myself now why I thought that I was completely unlovable.

Oh, I also want to apologize for the misunderstanding. I have a tendency to take everything personally.

Dear anita,

somehow I had this thought for a long time that it is o.K. if I get hurt, as long as the other person is o.K. But of course, this doesn’t work, it is a very unhealthy way of thinking. And ironically, I will probably hurt others more if I half-heartedly do things to please them.

This other poster  who also named herself “Lily” reminded me of the time K. asked me why I never kissed him. And a lot of guilt and shame came up.

I need to leave the story with him behind me, but somehow I always think of these things. Maybe I should distract myself more… There will be a lot of work to do next week and there is also a block seminar next weekend. So hopefully my head will get occupied with more productive things.

The past is the past, next time I can do better. I would even say that to the man in the dormitory, if he had completely changed his life and become a better person. Then I should extend the same compassion to myself!

There is actually a lot to be proud of lately!!! I need to remind myself of that!

1. I am doing better at my job. I get along better with my colleagues and they seem to appreciate me now. The people of the company even told me that they want top keep me. Also I have improved when interacting with clients and even my chefs noticed. I overcame my fears there.

2. Last week at uni, I approached my professor and sought out the “conflict” instead of avoiding it.

3. My living situation has improved. I found a new room for myself, now I get along better with my roommates.

4. Now I also earn (almost)  enough money to support myself.

5. Since I moved, I also cooked again and now my diet is healthier again. (It’s just small, but cooking is something that brings me joy and I missed it)

6. In therapy and also thanks to talking to you I am starting to understand myself better.

7. I am working on a zine, hopefully it will be a good way for me to express myself and find my voice. One comic will be about consensual sex for example and how it should be, so that everybody is safe.

I am feeling a little bit better now. Maybe I will turn off the P.C. for today. It is 8:46 pm here and I will probably read something now. Please enjoy the rest of your weekend! And thanks, I hope my workday will be good too!

Dear anita,

I ended up not visiting my grandmother. It will be better if I go see her at another time. We talked on the phone, it really made me realize that we grew up in very different times. Our ways of seeing the world are different.

This week I managed to ask my professor if he can take a look at my drawings. Then we had a normal conversation, with me showing what I did so far and him giving advice. I feel proud of myself! Because I almost wanted to give up on this class. But I didn’t.

This is the way forward for me: no longer hiding myself at any little (supposed) sign of disapproval from others. Seeking confrontation. Being me, even though some people will not like it. Being more accepting of myself, even though others might find me weird.

I wish that I would have done this last year. In the dormitory situation and with K. But o.K., maybe at least this situation made it clearer to me that something has to change.

Today I also asked my therapist about group therapy and she will tell me more about the options next week. It will be scary though.

Thanks for your wishes, my weekend was calmer last week. And this week too. Tomorrow I will work on my drawings and maybe go to the museum later. How about you? I am wishing you a good weekend this week as well.

Maybe I am not trying hard enough with these dinner type situations… From the start I think: when will this be over? I hope nobody talks to me… If somebody wants to start a conversation, I try to escape it… It is no wonder if I come off as unlikable.

Basically I think: “I don’t want to be here” but I still go because I feel obligated. And then I feel like I am ruining it for everybody else, by being so tense and not talking enough.