Dear anita,

I did send it… Not sure how I feel about that. But I don’t want to be that person any more!

Dear anita,

okay. I will send it to him.

In the past I was more assertive, so I know I have it in me. But other times, I can’t say no. I will ask my therapist how to learn to assert myserf more. And I wanted to take a self defense class. I didn’t like the last one. Maybe it’s time to try a new one.

Dear anita,

thank you for your input.

I will tell him to not contact me again. I never intended to meet him again or sexually service him. Really not! It is over for me.I just got confused, I think. But if he had asked me to see him, I would have said no. I am sorry that I made you feel sick.

Dear anita,

in the last days I tried to stick to my routine, but I am still struggling.

You will be disappointed to hear that K. wrote to me again. It is my goal to not make rushed choices anymore and communicate better, so I want to ask for advice. After he seemed not interested in a final talk, I didn’t respond anymore. In a moment of anger, I deleted him off my facebook friends list. Afterwards I felt bad about it, for not communicating clearly. But in the end, we had ended it, so it was o.K., right? Some guilty feelings stayed though.

He wrote to me again, asking how I was. Because I still had those guilty feelings and also didn’t want to make him feel bad, I responded. I told him that I am o.K. and asked how he was. He said he wasn’t doing well, that it was difficult. When I asked what had happened, he only said that he can only tell me later, because he is in the library now. So I said that he can tell me more, but that I don’t want to bother him now (I regret saying this, I didn’t want to make him feel guilty), because he surely wants to study now. That we can talk later, if he wants to. So we said until later. He also said “thank you” and I asked “thank you for what?” (I regret this, why couldn’t I have just said nothing or thank you??)

Now I feel like this is unfinished. Saying “until later” seems unfinished. I want to draw a final line, to end it. For my own peace of mind, because I have this nagging feeling that I didn’t end it properly, that I am not a good communicator. Or should I just let it be? I still don’t understand why he tells me he isn’t feeling well, but then doesn’t tell me more. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, why bring it up?

I tried to write a message:

“Hi

We said “until later”, but then we didn’t talk. It feels weird to me, unfinished.

Often I didn’t know what you think or want, or what bothers you. Sadly, I also didn’t have the courage to ask.

If you still want to talk about something, we can do this.

If not, it is also o.K.

Otherwise I just hope that you are doing well.

I really wish the best for you! Good luck with your exams, hopefully it doesn’t get too stressful. I wish you success, health and a good time with your family.

Goodbye.”

What do you think? Or should I just let it be? I am sorry to bring up that topic again, anita. I just feel so unsure. It’s hard for me to communicate with him. And I feel like I have no social competence… But before I do something stupid again, I wanted to ask for advice.

Dear anita,

I am happy we can communicate so openly and that we can ask each other, if there is a misunderstanding. This is so different from my experience with K. He never said what bothered him, if I asked him something he sometimes ignored it. It made me feel so crazy. But maybe I should also learn how to deal better with such behaviour? I don’t think I want to communicate with people I can’t be open with anymore. Or at least not become closer to them, until I feel more comfortable. Only open up, if they do. And if their reaction to my openness makes me feel uncomfortable, maybe share less personal things. Does this make sense?

You can share personal things about yourself if you want (or not share anything, if you prefer). I wasn’t bothered at all. Sometimes I just don’t have much to say about it. I feel weird giving advice to others, like I am not in a position to give advice at all, as I am so confused myself. Like once, I responded to a girl on this forum. But afterwards I thought: who am I to give advice to others??

My parents are usually more nice to me now. They are not toxic. We don’t talk about our problems or past. Especially my mother tries to be really friendly. She even started to hug me, when we meet. On the phone she started to say: “I love you”, which makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. But I respond back.

My father is still a difficult person, who sees the bad in others but doesn’t want to face his own problems. But he is nicer to me than in the past. He doesn’t say such terrible things to me anymore.

Still, I feel that I need more distance from my parents at the moment. And I also should use my time to finish my degree.

I have such big fears about the future. But this already started when I was very young. I never felt good enough. I felt like I would never amount to anything. It became a self – fulfilling prophecy. Now it is even harder to get out of this. I wish I would have seeked help sooner, but it took me a while to realize how big my problems were.

What do you do after you recognize your feelings? What do you do to quiet them down? It is hard for me to not get overwhelmed and panic at times. And I think this keeps me stuck.

Dear anita,

the last days were a bit better. I did the things I wrote about above. Just with my art projects, I found it hard to concentrate. During the last week I felt stressed and slept more than usually. But also couldn’t sleep so well at night. But hopefully, next week I will get back to getting more things done.

At the moment, I feel more impatient. Today I felt impatient with my friend. Sometimes I get annoyed over little things. At least I didn’t say or do anything bad. Hopefully, I wasn’t passive aggressive. It is hard for me to spend a lot of time with people…

I also don’t have much patience for my parents at the moment. Today I talked to them on the phone, but would have preferred not to. I think I wasn’t too cheerful there… I just felt stressed during the conversation. I didn’t say so much, maybe I was not so polite.

With my therapist, the last session went well. She said she does want to continue our therapy. When she said I should ask her how she feels, I misunderstood her. She meant that I can ask her about her opinion or impression, when I tell her about my life. I do have a good feeling about her.

We also talked in therapy about my family. Why is my sister more upset at my parents than me, when she was treated a little better? When I told my sister about the things my father said to me, she couldn’t really believe it. Or she didn’t know. Unlike me, she never felt hated by my father. She felt liked by him. She said that she thought he could see himself in her. Apparently my father never said such things to her and usually my parents also didn’t hit her.

That is a little update about the past days… Overall it was o.K.

How are you doing?

Dear anita,

I am sorry. It was not mindful of me to ask you to tell me when you if you need a break. I also need to think about this myself: how much can I tell about my problems? When is it too much for the other person? I need to be more responsible in that way.

I think it will be good for me to take a break from posting on this forum for a while. Do some other things. Try to put the advice into practice.

I hope your leg gets better and that you have a good day! Please take good care of yourself.

Dear anita,

the good thing is that it is over. Yes, I wish he would have been more honest to me. Even if he would have just told me that he doesn’t want this any more, it would have been better.

Maybe I should stop worrying so much about him, and focus on myself more. It is over now, that’s what is most important.

Do you also feel distressed, when communicating with me? In any case, I thank you for your patience. And please tell me, when it is too much for you and you need a break!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lily.