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Lily

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  • October 29, 2018 at 1:59 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #234387
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reply! Please also be kind and gentle with yourself. Your advice to me and others here is very valuable (to me it is). You take so much time out of your day in replying to every single thread!

    I know the feeling of not finding the right words and then thinking I hurt somebody. But we have to forgive ourselves, I think, and remember, that we had good intentions. And we can’t always be perfect, nobody is… And when in doubt, we can always talk to the other person, to clarify.

    It’s hard being in this place, knowing that I have so much to work on. But at least I realized more things about myself… I feel more motivated now, after this experience. For a long time, I didn’t even see the value in trying. It was like nothing mattered to me (I think that was also a big reason why my other therapy failed). But if I someday meet some awesome person again, I want to be in a better place.

    There is no need to apologize, I know you have good intentions. And maybe I need to hear these things… Maybe some of what you said was right. I do like him, but I was also guided by fear and the need to behave “right” (whatever that would mean…). But I now realize that it will only lead to shame, if I let the wishes of others (or what I think they wish for) guide my actions… I hope I can become wiser in the future, but like you said, there is a lot to learn.

    Please take care of yourself!

    October 29, 2018 at 1:12 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #234369
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it was not for no reason! I genuinely like him. I like listening to him. It would have been  nice to learn more from each other. I like hearing about his life experiences, his life in another country, his values. When he talks about his goals, it also inspires me to try harder myself…When I first met him, I wanted to becaome just friends with him…

    Yes, my behaviour was stupid! I feel very ashamed of myself. I should have known better!!! I let things happen too fast and didn’t listen to my own needs… I need to get to know people very slowly. And of course it was stupid sleeping with him when I was not at all ready. It was an attempt, I was also lonely and in comparison to that other man he was so kind…

    I guess I have  a lot to learn when it comes to social competences!

    I don’t intend on writing him anymore. I know that he is okay, that’s all I need to know.

     

    October 28, 2018 at 2:00 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #233905
    Lily
    Participant

    But I also think it’s because he is far away and we have problems with communication. And I don’t think it’s only my fault that the communication doesn’t work. He doesn’t show much interest, but also doesn’t end it. He doesn’t really have time for me. Or was I expecting too much? I don’t expect him to write or call me everyday… But then he also leaves during a text message conversation without saying goodbye or doesn’t tell me much about what is going on in his life.

    October 28, 2018 at 1:50 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #233903
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    If I continued seeing him, what would happen then? It would probably become an unhealthy relationship… right? Or what did you mean?

    I only know I felt overwhelmed during the last weeks… And it caused me a lot of stress, because of my insecurities. It distracted me from my studies and I wasn’t feeling good. And he doesn’t know about it (or not much).

     

    October 27, 2018 at 12:19 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #233747
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your feedback! I will try and stop and think better thoughts when I get these negative thoughts again.

    As for this guy, I decided to write another message to him, because I wanted to at least try to clear things up. I didn’t even finish my message, when he responded. He said all is o.K. and that I don’t need to worry. He said that he was learning today and that I worry a lot. And then he left the conversation again when I tried to talk more (about everyday things).

    It doesn’t seem like he is hurt very much or thinking much about me at all. I get the impression that he is not very interested in me, but still, this information helped me. That he seems to be o.K. (or maybe he doesn’t want to tell me more, but then I can’t do anything). Now I will really not write to him again unless he does. And if he wants to come for another visit, I don’t think I want him to spend the night… Maybe all this pain finally helped me to see who I don’t want to be… And I don’t want to make the same mistake again!

    It will be better to focus on myself, my studies, health, friends…

     

    October 27, 2018 at 4:17 am in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #233627
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you, your reply made me feel a little bit better! At the moment I’m not feeling so good about myself…

    About this guy, I think he is a good guy. For example, he didn’t take my offer when I suggested that he could spend the night at my place… Or he is always respectful and kind.

    I talked with my therapist about it and maybe saying “I love you” can mean different things to different people. Some say it, because they love you in that moment, others only if they are interested in a serious relationship.

    She also suggested that I could message him and ask what’s going on if he isn’t replying. So that we both understand each other better. Also if he doesn’t want to see me, I think I would feel better if he lets me know that. But I don’t want to bother him… Maybe I want to ask him: “Hello, are you doing o.K.? I was thinking a lot about you, how was your week? I wanted to ask you something, as I don’t know what you’re thinking. If you don’t reply back to me, is it just because you’re busy? Do you want me to still write you then, or better wait for you until you have more time again? Or do you not want me to write to you at all anymore? If so, it would help me very much if you let me know.” Does it sound too pathetic? But I would also like some clarity and a better communication.

    I think I gave up on this potential relationship, before it even started. Because it’s hard for me to imagine, that someone could like me or love me… And I was very overwhelmed and too insecure and couldn’t be just myself around him…

    At the moment, I feel very bad for especially two things: 1) that I asked him if I could help him twice more, when he already said that I couldn’t help him. 2) That I offered to spend the night without meeting before. I mainly said this, to make him happy, even though I didn’t really want it and was too tired anyways. But it must seem very weird… Like I’m only interested in sex or I don’t know…. I feel ashamed of myself.

    About my negative thoughts: I find it hard to track them, but here are some of them. I find it kind of hard to find replacement thoughts.

    – I’m embarrassing and stupid.

    You only think that you’re embarrassing and because you think that, you act weird. Just let yourself be. You are not stupid, you speak two foreign languages and have a bachelor’s degree, you can’t be that stupid.

    – I’m not capable of having  a good relationship.

    Maybe after you learn to like yourself more, you will be capable. You have, for example, a good relationship with your best friend where you’re spending time together, but also are there for each other. That must mean that you are capable of having a good relationship.

    – I am difficult.

    You are trying to overcome your problems. Don’t give up. You went through a lot, so be more patient with yourself.

    – I am weird.

    You are not weird, only when you think like this you will act weird. And everyone makes mistakes.

    – Everything I do is wrong.

    You focus too much on your mistakes, but a lot of times you also do good.

    – I probably hurt him.

    You didn’t have any bad intentions and you’re learning. You wanted to actually do something good for him, but you forgot to take care of yourself. You’re also hurt yourself.

    – I imagine how I get hurt or killed

    Maybe when I think about this, I should just try to think about something else? I usually think that I can’t do this to my friends and family. My family would be destroyed then…. I don’t want to hurt anybody.

    – I don’t want to exist

    I could try to think about the good things in life. Maybe I could go out for a walk or to a sports class to distract myself from those thoughts.

    October 23, 2018 at 2:10 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232805
    Lily
    Participant

    When he said we already know each other he also talked about meeting each other when he comes to my city for work. He said it’s not that far away. If he doesn’t want to get to know me more, I of course don’t want to force myself on him. But I’m getting mixed messages from him… Like last week he wanted to see me again. And he told me that he wasn’t feeling well and losing his faith. So that lead me to wanting to help him and sending that message… And he seemed pleased after that and also said that he was thinking a lot about me.Plus he says that he is just busy at the moment. Maybe it was only that or maybe it was something else. I don’t know what is going on in his mind or what he truly thinks about me. If he really wants to still talk to me or not. Under no circumstances did I want to force him or manipulate him to stay with me…

    October 23, 2018 at 1:19 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232797
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I’m glad that you feel our conversation isn’t one sided. It helps me to talk to you and hear your perspective. Your advice is very valuable to me. It has helped me to see things from another perspective and it also has calmed me down at times. To know that it is okay that I’m only making slow progress has helped me. And I think I’m honest and sincere here. Sadly, in real life, I don’t always tell people how I feel in such an honest way. Sometimes I tell them things they want to hear, to please them… I’m afraid that, if they get to see my more broken side, they will be disgusted with me and judge me.

    The way he made it sound that he already knows me, it sounded more like a compliment. Like we’re already close. But it doesn’t make sense to me. He also said “I love you” very quickly and wanted me to say it. But maybe this was because of sex…

    We didn’t communicate much during the last weeks. Only after I sent him the message, that I want to help him, he sent me a more animated message. He seemed happy. And then on the next day we had a more vivid conversation (all through text messages). But then I had to go to that meeting and it took so long… On the next day I asked him how he was and he again didn’t tell me much about himself. For example I asked him: “How was your day?” He replied: “It was good… Thank you, what about you?” So I only replied: “Thank you. It was o.K.” in a similar matter, because he didn’t seem interested in a conversation. I don’t know if it was stupid of me to reply like that, but he also didn’t engage in the conversation much. After that he didn’t answer any more. Maybe I also shouldn’t contact him any more, if he doesn’t reply first? Or was I just being too cold?

    Was he angry that I went to that meeting? I said “I just have to quickly go to this meeting”, but then it took longer. Hopefully he didn’t wait for me. But he also doesn’t say if it bothered him. I also said that I would like to help him, but now I don’t know how. Maybe he is disappointed. If he lived at the same place, we could meet and talk, but it’s not possible with him far away. Communicating through text messages doesn’t work very well. Or I can ask, if we want to talk on the phone… But I’m not sure if he is really interested in talking to me? I don’t want to force  him into something he doesn’t want.-

    When we met last time,. he talked about how he never wants to hurt people. Also, everyone seems to want something from him. Even when we were together, someone was always calling. He told me how he helps people from his country that are new in Germany. And he also emptied his bank account to help a friend of his. Now he told me, that he has financial problems. These things lead me to believe that he is also a people pleaser and doesn’t know how to set boundaries himself. I wonder if he wants to end our relationship (or I don’t know what it is), but doesn’t want want to hurt me or something. I would like to have a more honest conversation with him, but not via text message, better in person…

    I’m guessing and wondering a lot about him…

    About hurting him. I fear that I hurt him because I’m too cold or don’t show enough of my true self. I’m usually polite and friendly, but it’s hard for me to just be myself with most people. Or because I didn’t establish my boundaries and made it into an unhealthy relationship. That I wasn’t honest enough and said things I didn’t mean. Or that I promised help, but now I’m not helping. Or that I’m not there for him enough? Or that I’m just too mentally ill and will drag him down… Today when I was thinking about it after I saw his sister, I felt like: yes I am very toxic. I’m a horrible person and will only hurt him… I wish I could just fall in love and enjoy it….

    October 23, 2018 at 9:14 am in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232741
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for always reading my messages and replying and understanding. It is comforting to know that others also go through similar things and that I’m not alone in this. It seems like you understand me. Most of the time people just look at my mistakes and judge me. At least it has happened often in the past. But you have real empathy. I hope this is not all too depressing to read.And how are you doing? Sometimes this thread feels too onesided…

    I think this idea to pause before making a decision is a very good one. In the past I tried this, but wasn’t very successful. For example when someone calls and wants something from me, I say yes too quickly. I have to still work on this. You are right, it will take time. Maybe sometimes I’m too impatient. I look at others, and they are so much farther ahead in life. Or maybe it also just seems like it from the outside. Maybe they have other problems. Maybe they had a happier family when growing up…

    Today I was thinking a lot about this guy again. I don’t know how to go further with him. I’m scared that I will hurt him.I would like to change our way of communicating. Be more honest. I would like to understand him better and get to know him better. He always said “we already know each other” when I said that I want to get to know him better. I don’t know what that means… Maybe nothing… Or should I just end it, before we both get very hurt?? I don’t want to hurt him at all.

    Today his sister looked at me weirdly and when I said hello she didn’t reply. I think she doesn’t like me. At this floor meeting we all had to pick a name by lot of one of our flatmates, Someone had the idea to give presents to one flatmate each. And when she read her name she was really disappointed and said ” Oh no. Can I change the name?” I think she probably picked me. And when we took a group photo, we had to take it again, because I wasn’t visible. I feel like I’m only causing problems…. But maybe I’m just thinking too much… In any case, I want to try to stay calm and act normal around her. But also I don’t want to spend that much time in the community rooms anymore (well, I never spent that much time there).

    I’m too complicated. Thank you for your advice. It helped me much!

    October 22, 2018 at 10:56 am in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232575
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I don’t want to worry about what others think all the time anymore. And I also don’t want to negate my own wants and feelings anymore…

    At the moment I feel a lot of pain. I’m a bit disgusted with myself. I don’t want to do things because I feel obligated. It’s not a genuine and honest way of communication. Why did I ask him to spend the night without even being able to see him before that? I did not really want that. I was very tired and it also wouldn’t have made me feel good about myself. I don’t want to be this person anymore and humiliate myself anymore. Like I have no self – respect! So sick.

    When he said that he wasn’t feeling well, I just got very strong feelings. Like I need to do something to help. I needed to make him feel better, be there for him, visit him. But was that really what I wanted? Was that genuine? I do genuinely like him. But I overstepped my own boundaries again and again. I don’t want to make this a toxic relationship…. And to be honest, when I write that, I mainly think about him again. That I don’t want to hurt him.

    Often I felt that my own feelings don’t matter and that I can take it if I get hurt. It’s okay if I get hurt, just never hurt others. That is my way of thinking. It’s hard to break away from that.

    Maybe I’m not capable of a relationship right now and maybe he also isn’t. We communicated more yesterday, but then I had to go because of a meeting of our floor of our dormitory. I said I have to go there quickly. Hopefully he didn’t wait for me… I already feel bad again. And I also didn’t want to go to this meeting… I’m so done with fulfilling the expectations of others.

    Why is it so hard to respect myself and my feelings? I feel kind of crazy. I wanted to be more courageous and make new experiences, so I ignored my gut feelings when he asked me for my phone number (not because he gave me a bad impression, I just don’t feel good about giving out my phone number so quickly). Or maybe it was even just because I didn’t know how to say no. And I agreed to go for a walk with him, even though I didn’t feel like it, on the same day. I let things happen too fast. And now it is all weird and strange.

    I really do like him. I am impressed how he took on responsibility early in life. And he seems so calm and kind… I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to hurt myself.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Lily.
    October 20, 2018 at 11:51 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232327
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    somehow I always try to find out what others want from me. And then I even forget what I want for myself. I have a very hard time getting over this behaviour pattern. But I’ve already realized that it is not a healthy behaviour when it comes to relationships. It’s not beneficial for me and also not really for the other person.

    He only lives with his cousin because he just moved to a new city. He still has to find a place for himself and that’s often not so easy in big cities. When it comes to his health problems, I don’t know what the nature of the problem is. Does he just have a cold or is it more serious? I don’t know. He told me that he was sick a lot during his childhood, but that he has barely gotten sick since he moved to Germany.

    I like about him that he is so kind and caring. He is always there for his friends and helps them (at least that’s what he told me). He treats others with respect.. When I’m with him, he is usually very affectionate. He also seems very determined. He has his goals and works to achieve them.

    But the communication between us is really not improving much. I’m awkward and sometimes don’t find the right words, and he doesn’t reach out to me very often, since he has gone to another place. He often ignores my questions about how he is doing. Maybe he doesn’t want to show his more vulnerable side or doesn’t trust me enough. Or he is just going through a hard phase. But he is not letting me in either. And he lives relatively far away, that makes it even harder. I don’t know how to make this work, if our communication doesn’t improve.

    I don’t really understand him. At one hand, he says he is thinking a lot about me and he wants to see me. He wanted to do something together and then sleep over at my place (doesn’t sound like he wanted to end it). On the other hand, he doesn’t contact me often or tell me much about what is going on in his life. He is always busy with his work, studies, family and friends. I wonder, am I part of this circle of friends? I feel like I’m only getting crumbs of his attention. Of course, we don’t know each other that long, but how can we get to know each other better, if we don’t talk more or meet?

    Maybe it is like you said and he is not really capable or available for a relationship.

    October 20, 2018 at 7:35 am in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232111
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    hm, o.K., I have to confess that I already sent the message… I asked him again about what happened and if it has anything to do with the problems at his home country. I also suggested that I could come visit him, if he likes, but that it’s also o.K. if he doesn’t want that.

    He responded that he is very thankful, but that he thinks I can’t help him. And that it has to do with the situation at his home country, his family and his health that he isn’t doing well. He said that I can’t visit him yet, but soon it’s possible. As he still lives with his cousin, he doesn’t have his own room. He also said that he was also thinking a lot about me. And he used a lot of emojis…

    And I also wrote that he can reach out to me, if he needs anything and thanked him for sharing what happened. Then I wished him a good day and said I hope we can meet again soon to talk about everything.

    Now I’m a little worried that I pressured him too much with my questions. Maybe in the future, I should always wait before he replies back and only send another message then.

    I still have a lot of problems with boundaries, it seems…

    October 19, 2018 at 1:36 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232033
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you, I already feel a little bit better now.

    I also thought that it was the right decision not to cancel my plans. And asked him to please tell me earlier next time, if he wants to visit me. He also said he would do so. Today I also talked to my therapist about it and she also agreed that it was a good decision.

    Actually, I was a bit annoyed that he thought he can contact me or visit me whenever he pleases…Only when he said that he wasn’t feeling well I doubted my choice. I would really like to help him, but if he doesn’t want my help, I can’t do anything. I think it could have something to do with conflicts in his home country, he posted a lot about it online lately. Tomorrow I want to write a longer message to him explaining my thoughts and telling him that I want to be there for him, if he wants me to. And I want to suggest that I could visit him next weekend, if he likes. But I don’t know… Is this too much?

    I want to help him, but at the same time it gets on my nerves that he starts talking about how he doesn’t feel well or lost his belief, then he doesn’t explain further and just goes offline…. Somehow he seems to want my help and somehow he doesn’t. Then I start to worry. But okay, maybe he really isn’t well and that’s why he is behaving like that. But I guess I worry too much and you’re right, it’s not my job to find out what’s happening with him, if he doesn’t tell me.

    For now I will try to sleep myself…

    Have a good day!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Lily.
    October 19, 2018 at 12:57 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232017
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I forgot to answer about feeling weird and crazy. Some part of me says, that I’m not that crazy. But another part thinks, that sometimes I act weird. For example, I walked out of a class when a professor was scolding someone (I thought she meant me, but later I found out that she meant other students). Or I often feel that I’m difficult. When I’m stressed, sometimes I react difficult. And I feel like I have so many problems.

    I don’t know, maybe I will come back to that question later, now I’m just thinking about what happened with this guy.

    October 19, 2018 at 12:48 pm in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #232015
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for the advice.

    Yesterday this guy texted me again, just a few words, that he is “so so” and that he has been busy. Today he sent me another message saying that he comes to visit my city, asking if we can meet today. But I had made other plans. I wanted to go to the self defense class with my friend. I told him that, suggesting that if he wants he can come over to spend the night. First he said yes, but when I came back home he wrote me that he was too tired. He also wrote that he isn’t feeling well and that he lost his belief. I asked him what happened and asked in what he lost his belief and if I could help him? But he only wrote that he thinks that I can’t help him and that he just needs some sleep. Then I just wrote that maybe he should take some rest and that I wish I could help him. That I would have canceled the class, if I had known that he was feeling so badly and that he could call me, if he wants to talk at some point. Then he didn’t respond and went offline.

    Now I’m thinking about what happened to him… Or if I wasn’t there for him enough. He never answers my questions about how he feels lately. But he didn’t contact me very much for two weeks and I also didn’t want to contact him, because maybe he didn’t want that? And today I didn’t cancel my meeting with my friend, because I had made the promise to her to meet her and my life doesn’t revolve around only him….

    Maybe it was selfish of me to think that he had gotten tired of me. Maybe I should have thought more about him.

    I don’t know. I wish I could help him, but it seems he doesn’t even want my help. Now I’m very worried…

     

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