Dear anita,

today I went to work and eerything was o.K. Now I will be able to work more again, which is good for financial reasons and for structure. But also a bit bad for having less time for uni. But I have not accomplished as much as I wanted anyways. Too often I still waste time! I wonder if I made any pogress when it comes to being disciplined? The person I would like to be is more active. But at least I try to do a little. I am finishing several illustrations in a months, some days I do yoga or go for walks… And I have finished some longer projects as well. This shows that I am able to work on bigger projects, even if it takes me long.

Oh well. Tomorrow I will work on my illustrations again. But I also decided that I will go outside into nature this weekend.

Thank you for your well wishes!

Dear anita,

yes we will have to get accustomed again to a life without masks and restrictions! Hopefully things will become more normal again. After all, there have been pandemics in the past and humans found cures. I feel more worried about climate change and extremist world leaders in power…

Here things recently got a bit more normal again. Shops opened for the first time again since December (except for a week or so of click and meet). Today I went to buy art supplies, but you were supposed to write your contact information down and I never know my phone number… Will have to try again!

Otherwise I was not as productive as I would like. It works better on days when I write down specific tasks in my planner, like yesterday. Wanting to write them in the morning doesn’t work for me. So I will better write them down now.

Hope your day went well! Until tomorrow!

Dera anita,

how did your visit at Trader Joe’s go?

In the morning I took a walk outside today. It was finally very nice weather with sunshine and a blue sky. I sat at a bench and journaled. On my way back I got a piece of strawberry cake from the bakery and it was very delicous. It reminds me that I still have to bake the rhubarb cake this week!

Then I drew a bit for project D, but later switched to a personal project. It was more fun and I enjoyed drawing just for my own pleasure, without having exams or professors in mind. Sometimes I had lost that, but recently I am finding my joy of drawing again.

Still, I have to make a better plan or something, else I will never finish my studies. For tomorrow I set the goal of finishing the collage for project D I started.

Until tomorrow!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

honest and kind are two things I really aspire to be!

Today I feel like I accomplished not so much. In the morning I started a drawing and then I cleaned our flat. Then I wanted to draw more, but my roommate said we were out of some household items and suggested we can go grocery shopping together. It kind of distracted me a bit. Waiting and such, I would have preferred to buy the things alone. Or maybe it bothers me that it was so spontaneous and I got off track with my plans. I should pause and think before saying yes next time. It would be nice to do things together, but not so spontaneously.

Tomorrow I really have to work on project D again.

Dear anita,

it makes sense what you said about stress. Actually, I felt stressed even though compared to others my life is not that stressful. Maybe work sometimes stresses me and maybe I stress myself out for not accomplishing enough. Maybe it is also because of having more options and not enough clarity about what to do next.

After a walk today I was feeling much better. It helped me to calm down and I got new ideas. After that I spent the rest of the day drawing and I could still draw more now. Even though I am going slowly, I still think I am on the right path. I do have enough ideas and I like my drawings. And when I am really in the flow like today, I am feeling passionate and like I want to do so much more. Maybe looking at my favorite illustrators and listening to podcasts helped reignite that fire. Sometimes I had lost it.

But today I am feeling good. Listening to music and drawing and going for a walk, it was a good day.

Tomorrow is my work day again. But after work I want to draw more.

Have a good day!

Dear anita,

good idea about copying the text! It’s just too frustrating to lose a post and then having to start over.

O.K., I understand about not having to post a long post in return. It was just that I had written a little bit more and then it was gone. And thanks for sharing!

Good to also know that things are getting better in the U.S. about covid. Must be nice to not have to wear a mask indoors 🙂 After my company gave me a paper to get a vaccine, I tried to book an appointment, but it is always booked out. Maybe someday I will be lucky.

There was also some other good news about work. One of the problems from Friday is resolved. Some money was missing, but it was just a mere typo. I am also grateful to my co-worker for letting me know!

Today I also went to therapy and also mentioned the work problems. From now on I want to try to go slower and not immediately react. Best stop for a moment before acting. When thinking about my problems, I remembered the scene from a Mr. Bean movie, where he is left alone with a valuable piece of artwork. Then he sneezes on it, tries to fix it, and makes it worse and worse. Until the face of the portrait is completely wiped out and he draws a ridiculous face on it. I felt like this is me, always trying to fix things, making it worse. Sometimes I should just accept that it didn’t work out and let it be. In the end, I could laugh a little bit at myself. But I was also thinking that I sometimes must get on my co-workers’ nerves with all my worries and insecurities. I also want to try and self-soothe and try not to ask for reassurance so much.

Otherwise, my day was so so in productivity. I drew for a bit but also procrastinated by reading. But reading is better than getting lost on the internet at least. Tomorrow I want to focus on my collages again.

Until then!

Dear anita,

today I am feeling much better. In the morning I made some sketches, but I also spent time reading today. Tomorrow I want to go back to my old schedule with waking up early and working for uni at the set times.

As for the thoughts, I sometimes start to feel that my life is so empty, I feel useless and worthless and ashamed of myself. Then I start to fear that I will never improve and I start imagining how I hurt myself. It is a feeling of shame, feeling ashamed of who I am. It feels like everything is over and I have ruined everything. I start to think about everything I did wrong and such things… But not today. I have calmed myself, even though I am still embarrassed about Friday.

Maybe it was just because of PMS or because I had spent too much time inside. Thank you for asking.

I hope your weekend went well! Take care!