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Thank you Anita once again for the detailed response. It makes a lot of sense the way you explain the splitting – I wasn’t aware of this term neither its similarities to Borderline Personality Disorder.
“And so, every time she expresses anger at him, she believes she is bad and therefore has just invited the bad boyfriend into her experience. She then tries to be perfect again, caught in a trap.”
This is exactly what was happening in my previous relationship – I couldn’t of course understand it. With my mind I could tell that we talk for one person but within me this good vs bad were always there I guess, in feelings level.It’s been only recently, in my current relationship that I start to express anger or sadness – but after understanding my issues and my inability to express anger cause it results into guilty right after.
It is still not an easy procedure for me. But I try to express my feelings – and I am graceful for my new boyfriend that is accepting my anger or sadness without blaming me or something. It is a very new experience to me and the only, I feel, true relationship I ever had (friends & family included). I don’t know if it is going to last, as we are very different persons and I still can not be sure (I may never be though with anyone!) but I try to focus on “now” and benefit from this safety net his presence lingers to my feelings expression, so that I gradually be able to do it more and more. I guess I will always carry this burden from my childhood, but gradually it is getting easier to overcome my fears.
Christina
Hello Anita once again and thank you so much for all the replies and the effort you put into them!
First of all, in regards to this: “If you are okay with it, Christina, I would like to activate this thread once in a while so to bring it back to page 1, in the hope that more members read and benefit from your exceptional thread.”
Please, feel free to do anything you want and let me know if I can also do something for that and I will be glad to do it!Thank you for summarizing all the important points in one post, it is nice to see all these gathered to one place, it makes a readable story 🙂 .
The description of my mother behaviour that affects me up to now, makes a lot of sense! It took me so much time to dive into me, recall memories and feelings and understand how these are connected with my current issues. This “digging” within me, gave me frustration, a feeling of injustice, anger, desperation but finally I accepted the past and I try now as an adult to help this little child inside me and give her the love and acceptance she deserves. I try not to fit into roles but follow my dreams and my desires. It is not easy, I can not do it all times, I do fail sometimes, old patterns and fears return, but at least now I try and also I understand and I am able to function much better!
You had written back then to me this:
“I am thinking as I type this, that there is a motivation, in you, to make this relationship work after all, a motivation to be with him in a relationship. I can’t figure why else you will allow him into your life, creating such misery in you.”That sentence -I still remember the moment I read it- made something within me. There was a motivation within me that was pushing me to try to make a bad situation to work and despite all the misery, it was there, forcing me to accept all that was coming.
I didn’t understand back then, but I totally felt, that yes, you are right, there was a reason.
The reason was that I was always trying to be perfect at the role given to me so that I do not disappoint others. Back then it was my mother. Then, it was my boyfriend. In my mind their dissatisfaction was meaning my failure and was linked in my mind and my soul to intense pain. When I was 3-4, I still remember, that I was thinking I had 2 mothers, that were identical, but one was the good, loving and caring one, and another that was distant, angry and cold to me. And I believed that my actions would result on which mother would come each time. So it was me who had to do all that was needed to make the good mother to come.. If the bad one was coming, that was my fault.
This pattern was fallowing me all my life, without noticing it of course. My actions were defining others behavior towards me. If I were a good child, my mother would be happy, if I were a good student, my teachers would praise me, if I were a good friend, my friends would never leave, if I were a good employee, my bosses would never fire me, If I were a good girlfriend, my boyfriend would always love me and would treat me nicely.
A constant and tiring fight to satisfy them all.I feel so graceful, that after all these, I managed to see that there was an underlying issue, and instead of going back to my ex (there was not even a single moment so far that I have regret this!) or finding another man to fit in this role, I gave space and time to myslef to look inside me and finally start to take care of me and choose in my life persons that also respect me.
My healing process as I said, is going on and I will post more things here – I am so happy I started back then this thread; it is nice my feelings and thoughts of that time, were written somewhere.
Christina
Dear Anita,
yes, I was meaning ‘fell down’, but as you stated, both are correct. Pieces fell down, but I also felt down.
It was indeed a new experience for me, expressing the way I would like this to go and at the same time rejecting what he proposed and saying No. He proposed me to meet just for sex and I told him that If he has not enough time to give more to this relationship then, I do not like to be squeezed inside his program like that, and not to meet. He apologized and said I was totally right, but then he ghosted me.When I was texting that message I felt it was the first time in a romantic relationship that I was saying no to something like to this to someone I had started to have feelings for, knowing the risk of losing him. As it happened. But it was the correct and healthy thing to do; expressing my desire and my boundaries and also saying that I didn’t like something. It caused fear and pain afterward, but yes, it also gave me a new experience, how it is to listen to your inner needs and thoughts and express them. It is a new lesson for me.
I had listed so many of my mistakes at my very first post; one was that I was not listening to my needs and I was not expressing them. I now feel stronger to be an equal in a relationship. If I can not, then well, I started to enjoy the company of myself too the last months so the fear of rejection is less, knowing I can take care of myself and enjoy it 🙂
Thank you both for your supportive comments! It is still a tough road for me and in cases, it hurts, but I feel stronger and more confident every day.
One of my biggest struggles is not to be afraid of others rejection and opinion about me. I have been for years, a child trying to please my mum, for having her love and acceptance and follow whatever she had in mind for me, to be the ideal ‘like an adult’ child. He, being distant to me whenever I was failing, was a real pain and agony for me and I was trying my best for not happening again.
I am still afraid of re-feeling that pain and I keep on trying to avoid it by letting others manipulate me in the end, based on their needs and expectations for me (the ideal girlfriend, the ideal lover, the ideal employee, the ideal friend), as I feel they are going to leave me If I say No or oppose myself to something they want. And this does not only apply to relationships, but also to working environment and friendships. At least now, I understand why I am afraid, of what I am actually afraid of and how that old pain from a distant&strict mother caused this fear. Knowing the enemy helps you fight and understand yourself better. I have still a lot to learn and a lot to fight. But day by day it is clearer within me.I will surely be around and post soon more news, this forum helped me a lot back then!
Thank you,!
Mepina
Dear Anita, thank you for your reply and I am glad you are still around here, on the forum, helping all so much!
I felt It was needed to post some of my progress, cause the whole story creates a path and others may find patterns that will help them in their healing process. I still have a lot to learn about me and also heal, but I feel stronger now, in a deeper connection with my feelings and my desires and I manage to see clearly others actions too. It is like waking up a little by little.
It is not an easy procedure as you have to feel again within you past difficult situations and recreate the pain. I was avoiding that for years thinking there is no reason to search for past wounds and suffer again, it is past, let’s go on. Well, that would be ok if the wounds were healed and If I had managed to understand why things happened at first place. If, though, you simply cover or ignore a wound without understanding how it opened and why and what it takes to make it heal, it will start to hurt you again, and maybe during totally irrelevant situations leaving you clueless about the reasons of your pain – making you feel stupid or problematic. Especially if people that understand your insecurities and low self-esteem come around you, they can easily benefit from you, make you suffer more so that they can earn more strength.
Reading again my posts, I see how much self-blaming I was putting on me. We all do mistakes, but my need to satisfy everyone else and then hurting myself if I couldn’t, that was different than a mistake. I was feeling worthy only If others were satisfied with me. So, I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him: meaning do all his favors, transform to what he needed, neglecting my family, my friends, my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment.
And the more I was giving, the more he was asking. And the more I was giving. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was. I had signs that I was covering again. I was simply trying to be what he wanted me to be.
Until he got bored (of course, it became too easy and he took me for granted in the end) and he told me to break up. I left the house, he then moved to a bigger one alone bringing all my things to my parents house in boxes, he started to post photos with other women on FB, he was flirting with a friend of mine in front of me (he was denying this of course and he was telling me I am simply insecure). For 18 months he was telling me to stay friends and in parallel, he was living his life in that way, and I had stayed clueless of what I did wrong and I was still trying to change the things. I was thinking I didn’t give enough, that I was fat, ugly, stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy, problematic, or I asked too much and pressed him or asked less than I should etc.. I was asking him to explain me and he was telling me there is no reason to discuss the past. He was telling me that I am free to move on, but of course, he was calling me each time I was doing a check-in somewhere to ask me with whom I was there and If I had moved on. He was the jealous one, the controlling one, and I was keeping on to stay faithful to us, thinking that this would proove my love and he would return. I stayed alone for so long, trying to earn again his approval!But, one day I decided to stop all these and start to focus on my self again. I understood it had no meaning anymore. I started to go out again, smile again, take care more of myself. I started to meet new persons too.
And once I started to feel better and started to smile again, he came back, not for giving me all the things I had missed all this time (love and support), but for demanding to take more from me: my love, my commitment, my strength, my dreams, all. He was having me for granted for months and only came back once he saw I was trying to leave. His ego was hurt, nothing more. He lost the control he thought he would always had on me. His ego-boosting supply.And, because of all the low self-esteem feelings and my need to satisfy the rest, I couldn’t simply shut the door in his face. This made me search for help, as I understood I could not set boundaries, I could not confront someone demanding things from me. I couldn’t say no even If my mind was screaming to me this is what I should do.
And so I opened the blanket with which I had covered all my wounds thinking that was a solution, and I had to finally deal with them. It is not easy. But it is needed and has already helped me to feel stronger and see things in a clearer perspective.
I only now see how many things I was letting to happen without wanting them, how much control I had let others to have on me. How bad opinion I had for myself and I was searching on others for reassurance. I still feel in that way, but less and less, and once I do it, at least I understand that I am doing it and I can observe its pattern.
I hope I will be soon able to post even more positive results and realizations. And I hope all these to help others too. I now see that the solutions, the love, and the happiness are not found on others opinion about us, they are within us, only.
Many wishes to all of and I am here for anyone that needs more details 🙂
Dear friends,
I know it has been a long time, but I was recently thinking about this post and I wanted to post some news.
Over these months, things have been progressed quite a lot, mainly inside me. It all started with my ex, coming back once I had managed to find some peace & happiness inside me demanding me to return to us (he had broken up with me, he had stayed away for 2 years, asking me to stay friends, never discussed for our problems or taking any responsibility and he just freaked out when he saw I was ready to go and live my life).
All this pressure and drama from his side (you can see it at the posts above) revealed my inability to confront others demands and needs and set my boundaries based on my needs and desires so that I can have healthy relationships.
I started psychotherapy and I think it was the best thing I have ever done in my life. At first, I thought it would help me confront my ex and give me some solutions in a sense of instructions “Tell him this and that or do this and that”. I then understood that it was quite different (thankfully). I learned more about myself, my childhood, my insecurities, my inner need to satisfy the rest for not facing their anger/silent treatment. I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not being sad or angry, never say no.
And I saw I was carrying all these demands for years. Leaving my parents’ house, I entered in a relationship with someone (my ex) that was doing the same way as my mom, in a more aggressive way. I only now see how I was manipulated and emotionally abused; he knew more than me my insecurities and my need to satisfy the rest and he was taking advantage every time. I had totally forgotten my desires and needs and I was trying to keep him happy thinking in that way I was the perfect girlfriend, so that was the correct thing to do and that would mean my happiness too.
My body was trying to warn me; and I was kept ignoring it. I write these things to other girls like me that may feel they have found the Mr. perfect that takes care of them and they do everything he asks but somewhere within then they feel something is wrong and feel unhappy. I was unhappy. I was crying often without any reason, I was feeling lonely, I was eating a lot and I was trying to make a diet just for him. I was sad because I thought was not good enough, beautiful enough, not a good girlfriend. So, I was trying to satisfy him more. He needed a breakup, I was leaving. He needed to stay friends with me, I was saying ok. He wanted to hang all around with friends, even If I was hurt, I was saying ok, etc so on. Inside and after the relationship he was deciding and I was saying ok. It didn’t start like that; at first I was trying to say No to some things and he got angry or sad and as that agony was part of my childhood I was trying to change it. So, in the end, I was only saying yes to all cause I was just too afraid.
I had to fall and crawl, but thankfully, I now feel so much better; better than ever before in my life. Like I just now live normally. My ex is out of my life (he sends some messages here and there but I don’t care anymore, I am so angry and disappointed with him – yes, I could not feel anger before, it was a forbidden feeling for the perfect girlfriend I needed to be!).
I moved from my parents’ house and I now live alone. I try to listen to my inner voice and my desires and needs. For the first time, I discover myself. I take care of myself and I am becoming stronger. I am not afraid of staying alone or saying my opinion for not hurting the others. It is still an ongoing process but it was very important for me even to start with it!
I would like to thank mostly Anita for her help the previous months and also the rest posting here. Anita mostly, made me understand some of my inner needs that were leading my actions and she helped me to keep strong and focus on my needs and desires. Thank you so much!
I am writing all these, because I feel like after posting a problem or a bad situation, we should come back to give also a positive feedback, at least a positive progress. For people who were broken like me, not knowing what to do and keep on blaming themselves for everything: there are hope and strength and are inside you. It needs effort to stand on your feet -even if some prefer you to stay down because it makes THEM feel stronger- and you deserve to yourself to be happy and have healthy relationships.
I will post more soon. Take care and I am here for anyone who needs any help !
As promised, here is some progress, or maybe some thoughts.
It’s been now 20 days since my ex talked to me for the last time. Of course, at his last call, he told me he was pissed off with me and all the arguments I was causing (I was causing them?! – he was the one asking me every time things, but anyway..) and is now his decision not to talk to me anymore (even If I had demanded that many times, but being weak I was replying to him).
So, he stopped contacting me and put the blame on me for this. It is something that now didn’t suprised be – he knew me better than I knew me, he knew that I had this guilty issues and so he is now trying to punish me with his silence.
As I analyzed before, this was always a scary situation for me, having caused pain or anger to others and then they blame me, accuse me and stop talking to me. I was trying hard at the whole relationship to prevent this from happening and I was ignoring my desires and my needs many times. And I got to a point with all these not only to understand my inner fear (of rejection and disapproval and silent treatment as punishment) but also to face it right on my face from someone I really loved.
The first days I was still in fear and shock, I was having nightmares with him yelling at me or feeling I could not breathe, I could not eat well and wanted to cry all the time. I was numb and terrified. Then, I felt better but I was still in fear. I was in pain. And because the last years with him I had connected love to pain so much, I was feeling like I love him. I understand this is a mind game though. I do care for him and I wish him happiness and peace of mind from now on – I never cursed him or something, but I am not in love anymore and I really want him out of my life even if it hurts.
After the constant fights and all these years of relationship (even the frequent talking during breakup) they all left an empty space in my life that caused silence and pain and started to make me wonder again: “was I wrong? Did I have mistaken again? sure, it was my problem, I made everything wrong, I hurt him, I hurt also myself, I made him angry, he is now out there sad, or angry blaming me and he is right, I messed it up.Was the relationship that bad? I was overreacting thinking that he was using me or am I sure I do not want him? He loves me that much this is why he was trying, I am so stupid and didn’t appreciate him I should have forgiven him for breaking up with me, for lying or yelling at me.. I should have done something differently to avoid all this pain” and so on… Guilty feelings, shame, and sadness. And fear of what is coming next.. “I will never be happy again, I lost all my life now, I am nothing, he was right, I will never been loved again and I will regret it..”
But, it is simply the aftershock effects. I feel like a prisoner who is now free and is afraid he already lost so much time in prison that it does not worth living anymore, he is not aware of the future that comes, he feels so different from the person he was before and starts to believe it was ok being in the prison and was not that bad after all cause he was safe and had a routine and protection and no worries for his future and the guards were friendly to him and bringing him food and the things he needed. And he could enjoy also some walks in the yard during the weekends, so it was quite good after all, why was he complaining back then?!
So, I am trying these days to keep my thoughts clear and avoid these ‘detoxing phase’ feelings. I also work on tracking the feelings such behaviors had caused me in the past making me so afraid of rejection so that I understand that I should not feel responsible for others opinion on me and constantly fighting with my own desires to satisfy others.
It is a long process but for the first time, I feel so much more aware of my inner needs and issues. Knowing the problem makes it always better to solve it.
I am still weak and even my body is still complaining after all this drama I let into my life – but I am on healing and learning process.
I will soon return with more, and I am determined to post more positive things this time. I own it to my broken inner self to finally have a happy life 🙂
Thank you all!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 