Thanks I would like to meditate but I feel like I can’t rest my mind.

Any tips.

Anita,

Perhaps he did postpone his papers until now.  It is a scary topic, but I am young and I have made sure that people know what I want when I die.  For me, it is hard to comprehend that he would not. It is strange that he talked to me about his impending death so many times since he was diagnosed 11 1/2 years ago but never made any will. Not even when he prepared me for his death when he underwent a risky procedure.

When he entered the hospital this time I guess he knew he was dying deep down. He was a much different man at the beginning of last month. He was suddenly weaker and suddenly seemed old overnight but he was lucid, he was an avid bike rider, he talked too much. He thought he went in for an infection, but even then he couldn’t stop talking about his will. He even left me voice mails that he needed a lawyer right away. He told me his younger brother was working on it and I believed it. My uncle though apparently just carried a computer printout around in his briefcase and never even had my dad sign it. Assuming a computer printout is even good enough. He did customize it with my dad but left it unsigned.  I spoke with my uncle today who has been there almost every day. Today he talked to me about the will. He told me that he took it upon himself to make the inference that my dad would come out so he didn’t have to and my dad was just being dramatic. He apologized to me but I feel angry.

This is the same uncle who is now guilting me because i have decided that my dad should go to hospice because keeping him at home as his body fails more each day feels inhumane. Every day I am called with new news of some new health failure or finding. It never seems to stop.  How much can a homecare person know or do? The apartment is messy, dark, and depressing with my dad’s stuff everywhere.   I want to send him to one of the best cancer hospice facilities in the country with experienced staff and doctors. All they do is help people with terminal cancer die. Keeping my dad at home will not prevent his death.

My uncle is guilting me telling me that my dad wished to stay alive when he entered the hospital last month. My dad was different last month. How come that wish of him is valid, but the wish to have my uncle finish his will was not?

If my dad did become truly lucid and if he told me he wanted to die in his apartment then I would do it, but he is not.

I hired a caseworker to help with his care and his after-life arrangements because it is too sad and stressful for me when I just want to spend the last days with him. That uncle has a pushy wife who is trying to do the job of the woman I hired to handle this even though i asked her to stop.

They are tag-teaming me to make me question my decisions even though I have a background in science and medicine and they have none. They think he’ll take a pill, or have an IV and beat hospice. I try to explain to him that is not a realistic reality. They are making me feel like i’m purposely sending my dad to an early death painting a picture of a place that will starve him and not help him at all but just drug him to speed up his death.

I am going through so many emotions right now and they are making it worse.

There is only one visitor allowed per day at the hospital because of IOVID.  i got an exception for two today because my uncle was supposed to sit with me to find out what my dad wanted in his death since we don’t know. He didn’t bring it up, but instead is pushing for him and my aunt to go tomorrow to insert themselves into my meeting with the doctor no doubt to question and belittle my decisions to make me feel guilty and like i am murdering my father.

I don’t want them there and i want them to leave me alone. I asked them to leave me alone but they do not.

I know that my dad is my uncles older brother and he has known my dad longer than me. I know that he wants him to live and is denial, but i want him to just give me space. I was almost happy that they changed it to one visitor for while but he stole my days and now somehow has managed to bend the rules to be there at every moment so that i can never just be with my dad alone.

Today I am angry again.

Hi Anita,

I do enjoy your responses. Even if they rephrase what I say it still gives me insight and it feels like someone is listening. I appreciate that you respond. When you do give me little slivers of wisdom or advice I do appreciate that too. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread.

Today they told me that my dad is too much of a choking risk so they will stop feeding him even the puree. I asked if that would be permanent they said they didn’t know. I asked how he would get proper nutrition only from an IV. They said they would have a plan.

Then they called me back and they are going to stop feeding him for now because his GI tract has slowed from all of the medications and chemo so i feel bad. I think they plan to feed him again, but I was told the doctor would call me. She never did. Also because of his GI issue, it is unclear if they will continue the chemo as planned tomorrow.

I also feel like i’m having selfish thoughts. My dad is dying I have accepted that.  There should be an easy transition of assets for me as an only child. My dad has always said he wants me to have everything. He said the same to everyone in my family. He has been sick for 11 1/2 years but i found out he never wrote a will or a trust or did anything to prepare for this.

I feel selfish because i’m mad that he didn’t. I have a lawyer but he will not speak to him unless my dad comes out of the hospital. The hospital tells me everyday that he will come out soon but it has been six week almost and I am starting to think that he might never come out. Every day is new bad news.

His mental health is detorating as he stays in that room. I might never get a will done. I already have my other legal problem I touched upon here and I don’t understand why he would leave me with this extra stress of having to go through courts when he has talked to me about dying so much. Especially over the last couple of years.

I feel selfish for thinking about it.

I also still feel bad for him.

I will see him tomorrow.

Hi Anita,

I don’t think my dad let bad happens to me always, so there is always some love for him. He was a good dad in a lot of ways he was my only parent so he had to play the role of the mom too, and he did his best at times.

Later in life he would send me articles that made him think of me, he bought me things that he thought I needed, he would call to check in on me, and he honestly did a lot for me. He would drop everything to come and save me, like when I landed at an airport feeling sick.

Then there were bad parts of the relationship too, so it’s clashing.

When he got diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago he started being easier to be around, so I would say it is the opposite of your second point. The bad things were for the first couple of decades of my life.
So I think I mourn the little things he always did for me throughout my life and the last years mostly.

I still feel angry too. So it’s confusing.

Today I feel sad, angry, and I feel bad for him but then also guilty.

I feel bad for him because it’s not easy to watch him this way. The last time I was there he asked me to help him as in to make him feel better, but i couldn’t so i just played his favorite music. I brought him a digital frame so that he could look at pictures of familiar faces and happy memories, but it didn’t make him happy. Instead, when a photo came on of him on top of a mountain he told me how he wished he could go there again. So I felt bad for him and the whole gift just became depressing.

However, for the last three days, I felt more ok, almost happy, and normal at times. I started my normal routines again, but then I started feeling bad for not feeling bad until I finally felt bad again.

So there is 1. anger that makes me almost relieved
2. sadness
3. guilt although when I think of #1 I don’t know why I should feel guilty.

Not sure what I am asking for from this ramble was but it felt good to write it down.

Thank you. Yes I know of the pain when leaving your loved ones before the virus we were in that boat. We had left each other three times. We had planned to see each other every 2-3 months until August when he would come. That was taken away from us by the virus.

While we did in fact break up because the virus because kept us apart For so long. I also learned, yesterday, that it chipped away at his will to come to live in America because the process to move here is so difficult. The current immigration policies has made it more so.

after meeting with a friend who goes to the school that he was going to attend. I was told that the new students were finding jobs quite quickly so I went back to tell him as that was one of his concerns. But he told me that drive to pursue a green card is no longer there. He said said the distance and such a long time apart has decreased the drive of it. For the amount of time money and effort he needed a very strong drive to do it.

I understand as I also feel  tired and beaten by the many months we spent yearning to see each other. The ups and downs the glimmers of hope that travel would resume.  Of course my drive was much stronger months ago as well. I feel like if we can not meet and stay together without continuously  being torn apart that I don’t want to do this anymore either. I have grown so tired of the bad feelings that are created after leaving each other and they have been magnified by covid.

Canada is so much easier to move to without so many hoops once you are in. He can do as he pleases once he is there. He only wants to go Canada now. This is a reasonable decision. Still we agreed if we still like each other and things align once in Canada we would try.

As Anita said I would feel that I would want communication if the situation changes.

I realize that the chances of my relationship being over forever feel more likely than a reunion. I am still feeling great sadness daily fighting a mental battle between letting go and holding on. I go through phases where I feel selfish and want to walk away simply so that he could miss  me and therefore the situation might change. But then I remember that he has never been more than gentle, kind, caring, and always wanting for me to be ok and happy that I would never want to intentionally cause him pain. My talking to him during this time also helps him get through this as he openly admitted to me  yesterday.

the times we are in are not normal. For that reason it feels acceptable to do what is not normal for me. Everyone’s mental health is so fragile at this time and this break up is not like others I have had. We had no problems and we still make each other happy. I feel like a victim of circumstances. However , now that it is clear that a part of the reason is that he doesn’t feel like fighting as strongly I feel more hurt.  That new information makes me wonder again if I Should I keep the communication as it is?  I know that he would like for me to keep talking to him.

Unknown future aside I feel sadness talking to him.  I am still crying in the mornings and evenings. I understand my current reality. but I think I would feel greater sadness shutting him out.