Jade, I think you’re taking this very hard. But it’s not for anyone to say it’s foolish. This is how you feel, so feel it.

I think you idea of sending your love now to a future him is sweet, and expressing yourself in this way may just give you a measure of peace, which is something you clearly crave. So why not? Send your love for him three years into the future, and then try to let go of this need of having him acknowledge it. It is your love. You can treasure it, even if he doesn’t.

Metta to you in your pain.

None of this is weird. You sound like a typical person in an abusive relationship. I think we’re past the stage of looking for red flags; you’re in abuse town. I’m sorry. It’s one of the worst places to live. But it’s up to you to rally your resources, your friends, everything you know and believe in, and work on getting out of there.

Every fight blind-sides you because she’s very good at the honeymoon stage: she makes you believe that the last time was really the last time and things are going to be different now and she loves you so much. But things haven’t changed. You are both trapped in this destructive pattern, and you won’t get out until you get out.

Please educate yourself on what intimate partner violence and emotional abuse is like, and what it feels like. And if you recognise yourself, and you will, have a think about whether you should be worried about whether you’re “justified” in staying, or whether you should be making escape plans. Of course you can rationalise and justify your decision to stay. If it was easy to leave abusive relationships, if it was obvious to recognise and get out from under the “mind control” it puts on you, no one would be in abusive relationships and the whole thing wouldn’t be an issue.

Listen to yourself. You’re the victim of mind control. You wish you could just have an evening with friends, but no. That’s not the kind of relationship you’re in. You feel like life is passing you by. You’ve given up on hobbies, on working, on your social life, on living your life in general. You feel like you’re under a spell. You know you should know better. You know the cycle of better, bad, better, bad isn’t going to end until you do something radical.

You say things aren’t so bad, in general, as a whole. Really? It sounds pretty bad to me. It sure doesn’t sound like something I’d want to put up with. Tell me, how bad do things need to get before you’ll want to get out? How much more of yourself are you willing to give away before you’ll realise it’s been enough?

It doesn’t matter if she loves you. It doesn’t matter if you love her. It doesn’t matter if the good times feel like good times. This relationship is bad for you. She is bad for you. Get out.

Get out get out get out get out.

The best way to get out of it is step by step. And yes, I think the problem is your unhappy mental state and your isolation (they re-inforce each other), not this “incident” from over a decade ago, which is really no big deal.

Do not ever speak to him again.

Go to the wedding.

Reason not to speak to him again: obvious. He is bad news, both in terms of drug use and in terms of cheating in the worst possible way (with your daughter? geez!).

Reason to attend her wedding: it’s your daughter’s wedding. It seems like your lives are pretty intertwined, with shared friends and activities. I understand you feel hurt at being betrayed again and it sucks that she’s not had the decency yet to apologise, but she will. And you will probably let her back into your life again, and by then she’ll be married, and it’ll be weird that you weren’t at the wedding. Maybe this guy she’s marrying is the real deal, and she’ll be with him for the rest of your life. Think of her wedding photos displayed in her home, and every time you see it you’ll remember you weren’t there, and why you weren’t there. This will seem like a messy nightmare in two year’s time.

Thank the universe for showing you that this guy really is not the right guy and accept that your daughter had to play her role in that. Express your pain to her, before the wedding, and go to the wedding.

You should read up on child sexual development and recognise that what you did was in no way unusual and not at all harmful. If I understand correctly that you snuck a peek while she was asleep and she doesn’t even know, then how would it harm her? You were a child, and curious about something you didn’t know anything about. Yes, sneaking a peek was naughty, but are you really going to keep torturing yourself, at 24, for being a naughty child one night when you were 10? Good grief! All children are naughty sometimes. Even the saints were occasionally naughty children, I can assure you.

I don’t see how you could gain anything by apologising, especially if you’re not sure how she will react. It sounds like your family perhaps places a lot of importance on appropriate sexual behaviour. What does your mother think of this, does she think it’s a big deal? Because it’s really not.

Is this issue the only cause for your anxiety/depression, or were you feeling depressed before, and have you picked up this old hoary chestnut because you were looking for some reason to be upset? It may sound weird, but when you’re depressed, your brain can sometimes hunt around in your memories for things to feel bad about so that your feelings and thoughts are on the same line.

I hope you’ll come back and tell us more about what’s going on, because it really sounds like you’re making yourself miserable for no reason.

Sucky sexual experiences are sucky, but they happen sometimes. Now you know more about the kinds of sexual experiences you want and don’t want. Forgive yourself for making mistakes, you were upset over the break-up and were trying to have a good time. And you haven’t done anything wrong with regards to him. He broke up with you. He set you free and you acted on it. If he was expecting something else, he’s not reasonable.

As for not sleeping with other people when there’s a chance your ex will take you back, I think you should think about how long this “oh, I’m not sure let me think” period is going to last. How long are you going to wait around before you start to act and think like a single person again? There’s someone else on this forum who’s thinking of getting back with their ex after a year apart. Are you going to give this guy a year of your life while he figures out whether he wants you or not?

And if not a year, then how long?

Yeah, if he abused you to the point that you’re still having flashbacks and it’s affected your ability to work, maybe err on the side of not giving him another chance to do that again.

Sometimes relationships are broken beyond repair. I think this is one of those times.

You should definitely work on letting go of the past and dealing with it so it doesn’t haunt you to this degree. But I’m not going to give you advice on how to do that so you can get back with this guy. I think both of you should take the lessons you learned and apply them to your next relationship, not try to resurrect something that should have been in the graveyard for a year.

It’s good when you’re the person who wants to break up but you need some emotional distance to see clearly that that’s what you want. It’s bad when you’re the other person.

Yes, it’s a glib answer, but the question is too general to answer. What’s your situation? If you’re more specific we may be able to help you.