It is your severe separation anxiety that has been disrupting your life in very significant ways, putting your life on hold (more than Covid has, more than the economic situation in your country)- it needs to be managed and healing needs to begin.

Dear Anita, I will be trying the breath exercises whenever I feel like my anxiety shows up. Also, the men I’ve mentioned in the last post, also wrote that If we can take control once the emotion/anxiety starts, then we’ll be able to go back to a normal/neutral state in 90 seconds. I don’t know if I believe this, since I cannot see any scientific proof, but I’m willing to try. I have been crying a lot in the past 2 days, and I know it doesn’t help me. The more I cry, the more I get involved with those thought loops. It hurts a lot and I start to think suicidal thoughts. I would never commit suicide because I would never be able to do that kind of stuff to my mom, and others. But not existing seems more peaceful to me in those moments. It makes sense more, then I won’t have to live with this pain and struggle with all the things we’re faced with. Living is a hard thing, especially when you have to do all the things yourself. Finding trust, finding peace, and also being able to make a living. Also, confrontation is pretty hard as well, I don’t know if I’ll be sentimental when I’m with my mom, I’m planning on visiting them for some time in 20 days. I’ll probably get sentimental and run to the bathroom to hide that. I know I won’t be able to handle that kind of confrontation.

It’s weird that there are lots of people trying to free themselves from their parents, someone else, even from a culture or its norms. There are some people trying to be free. But I’ve always been free from the culture, from my family, from the people. There was nothing holding me back from anything other than me, my appearance, or my own fears. I’ve added appearance cause I was overly insecure about it during my teenage years and it got me away from people a lot. I felt like someone who cannot be loved by anybody. I needed someone, a boyfriend maybe.

My point is, while there are those people trying to get free, I’m here trying to get less free. I guess I’ve never wanted to feel free, feeling free or being alone with your own decisions made me feel more lost than ever. I would be freer if he left me. But that would also make me suffocate in some aspects.

Also, I remember some friends being guided or even dragged to hair saloons for waxing private parts like armpits and pubic areas. But being fed up with my sisters’ behavior in the past, which is not letting my mom wax her unwanted hair during the first phase of being a teenager, my mom didn’t try to wax or drag me to any saloon or something. I guess she asked to pluck my eyebrows once and since I reacted a bit bad because I was hurt, she didn’t try again. And I was left alone with my unwanted hair. I don’t know you’re familiar with this but in some Asian/mid-east cultures, shaving with a razor is not acceptable that much. It’s said to increase the unwanted hair and worsen the areas. But I was unable to wax it myself, too shy to ask for a saloon to do it or ask my mom to drag me to a saloon, I’ve shaved. And I’ve continued doing it, again and again, thinking that I’ve done a terrible mistake and now there’s no turning back, I cannot show my pubic area or armpits to anyone.

And then someday, while we were getting dressed for the gym class in primary school, a girl from a conservative family asked about my armpits. Then she reacted to the fact that I’ve shaved them. She warned me to never do it again or it would make it terrible. I remember feeling envious with a bit of rage towards her. I was angry because she didn’t have to make this terrible mistake since her mother helped her wax or use an epilator even if it was painful and I had to live with this terrible mistake. She got everything under control with her mom being a guide to her even though she was overly conservative. I thought I won’t be able to get married in the future, cause my terrible mistake should never be seen by anyone. I’d have to spend my life alone, and I was even kind of okay with this. I remember accepting this fact as it is.

Those feelings existed till I understand that it was okay to shave, have some problems with your body. And I was relieved with a pinch of self-pity. The feeling of relief didn’t last much, but the self-pity part got bigger in time.

Dear Anita and TeaK,

Thank you for your replies, it means a lot.

She was happy about the outcome – more money for both of you – but she wasn’t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I don’t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.

Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment – was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didn’t really appreciate it much?

This makes sense actually. First, I couldn’t understand since I’ve always thought even when she was distant, she always wanted me to accomplish what would make me happy. She bought a computer for me when I didn’t have one, she wanted me to have my own room and decorate it/change it how I wanted to, with the little money she struggled to earn. She knew how to spend money for the ones that we love. So I’ve always seen her as a supporter of my dreams, vague dreams. I don’t mean that I had a dream but I had some visions, some stuff, or even some activities I wanted to enjoy. But back then, she also got angry because of me staying online for days, staring at the monitor for over 24 hours. She used to get up in the middle of the night, see me with the computer again, and rant about this as well. She was worried and she was like every other parent. However, she wasn’t with me all the time, so I had lots of time to spend with myself deciding on what I’ll do. She also saw me enjoying my time with the computer. I remember one time, it was again, the middle of the night. I was designing some stuff and it was really old, so it was like a game, I was just creating a page. And I was also listening to some stuff on my headphones and mildly dancing to it when designing. Suddenly she came and I saw her in a few seconds and then I got embarrassed and stopped. So she was able to see how I was enjoying my time for just a couple of seconds.

I guess your father wasn’t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?

My father was always focused on what he thought that I should be doing, but then again, he knew that I wasn’t the best student. He just wanted me to pursue a career where I’ll be comfortable, and where I’ll be paid well. He is/was a good teacher, but not a good father actually. I remember the times when I used to go stay with him after their divorce and I had to prepare myself for minutes and minutes before I ask if I could use the computer. He used to make me do all the homework, all the extra work for my courses during those years. And since I wasn’t near comfortable communicating staying with him, I used to stay at my mom’s house most of the time.

About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you.

I guess it’s too late and now I have to work on this as well. The other day, he was in a crisis again, and another friend of his went to his home to help. Then we broke up for a couple of hours. I thought I could handle it, but then since I couldn’t say the words, he said them. He did it because he thought it was the best for me. However, after making it clear, I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle being abandoned again and I lost all my will to live, again. After a couple of hours me crying and being miserable, he wanted to spend the night together so I could be better. Then we did, and it was nice. Ever since we’ve been a bit better, it was only a week ago.

Dear Anita, I want to believe that I can get the will back as well. And I can feel it sometimes since I’m not stable in terms of emotions, I feel amazing at once and then I can be suffering, wanting to disappear. Even dying seems unendurable since it requires existing first. So I know that I can feel that will to live, that will to feel. But it only happens when I feel safe. And I cannot feel safe without him.

But when I feel safe, I feel like I can make everything work. In the past two weeks, I’ve started practising yoga every day. I was able to do it every single day with some flaws, but doing my best feels right. So that’s good news for my consistency problems.

Dear TeaK and Anita,

Thank you for your kind words, I’ll be noting some down to read again when I am down again. Actually, your last posts were mostly encouraging. Thank you for that, again. I hope that I won’t be re-living my patterns. Also, I’ll try to invest my time, energy and money into the stuff I like the most, like drawing or maybe as I said, tattooing. I can just create more as I feel sad.

Dear TeaK,

What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?

It was a family business kind-of company. Therefore, even in 3 months, they started to count me as one of the family members. Although the family liked making work their members till they exhaust themselves. So it wasn’t something logical to say “I want to quit.”. I just thought, since I knew the company via two of my professors, I could look bad. I cannot explain anyone else that the standards were not okay, even some acquaintances of mine told me that they were okay. People are used to working their whole life away, and they expect you to do the same thing. I didn’t think my co-workers would understand, they were already there, working for the 5th or 10th year nonstop, without any annual holidays. They would just think I was lazy and that is not something I want to be known for by my professors or anyone else for that matter. Another employer might just call them to ask about me as well. Anyways, therefore I wanted to come up with something both real and wouldn’t make me look bad. My father went through hell in the past 10 years, because of cancer. So I just told them that, I told them that I had to take care of him, get back to my hometown. They tried to persuade me for a couple days, they didn’t want me to leave. But I knew that I had to leave that place, in order to stay alive mentally. It wasn’t the ethical thing to do, I regretted it afterwards. And it also wouldn’t be serving my means as well, they can still say bad things about me. But I’ll be planning a career in a different country now, hopefully, maybe that’s something I shouldn’t care about. I decided to be completely selfish about this topic and just go with the flow.

What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?

I do not feel emotional about quitting my job, I felt amazing after I finally did it. These days, now that I started to forget how hard it is, I kind of envy those days since I did dress better, I did put on makeup, went there and did my job. But that was the first month, the other months were just terrible and it would keep being terrible if I didn’t quit. I just get back to normal when I remember the bad sides of it, so no problem in that area. It was the right thing to do, I know that for sure.

I guess I’ll be crying about the relationship side. Now he has decided to move out for sure, arranged that flat for 2-3 months only, then he’ll have to find another flat mate but I guess this is a risk he is willing to take. I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful. I’ll be yearning the way he communicates, all the intimate stuff I couldn’t do with anybody else. Maybe the most sentimental person I’ve known, I’ll be missing him like I would miss my mother, a caregiver.

I hear you Anita, it’s high time that I learned to stayed all alone and still managed to be satisfied with life. Although, I cannot find the strength to face life and feel vulnerable as I said. But I have to face that feeling to, without clinging to him or anybody else. I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.

I also feel clueless and I feel like that’s what I should be feeling at this point. I’m trying to hold on to my job just to put aside one more pay-check and get closer to a more comfortable life, which could happen abroad, in a better country with better work-life standards allowing people to have jobs that doesn’t fully leech off of them leaving no time what-so-ever.

We used to have ‘Remote Saturdays’ because of the pandemic curfews during weekends. All week-days were at the office, and then our Saturdays would be remote. Working from our homes, I was able to sleep more, rest more since I could literally do my job in my bed with my laptop. This week, the Saturday curfews have came to an end. We’ll be at the office 6 days a week, 54 hours in total. I’m also spending 2 hours with transportation, leaving me no time to relax. I’m sleep deprived, cannot fall asleep most of the time and even 8 hours does not feel enough when I’m able to sleep. And I earn 2.25 dollars for each hour, I’m sure that sounds worse to you than it does to me.

Also, I am sometimes making this a bigger deal than it already is, though. For example, I’m at the office and it’s been 3 hours. I’ve only worked for 20 minutes so far. Sometimes I work with a full focus the whole day, but sometimes I focus for like 2 hours and that’s it.

As for the love, I’ve always loved animals. I have much more empathy towards them compared to the one I have towards people. We used to adopt sick animals, trying to heal them with my mother. I used to live with those animals while she was at work. I cannot adopt an animal these days because I have no time or extra money to take care of one, but my mom has like 8 cats in her house and she always takes care of the animals that live nearby, at the streets. What I can do is just sending some money to the people in need who is trying to heal them as well, I’ve been sending some since I’ve started this job. I wish I could do more but I guess that needs to end once I stop earning from this job as well.

You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

It was not exactly our of necessity. I could decide not to work and my mom would support me anyways. But having an extra clingy father, not being able to have the smallest luxuries like little furry pencils which costed like a penny then, made me feel bad about spending money. I wasn’t able to have the stuff I wanted and he didn’t chose to spend money for us, he chose to spend it for his luxuries. When I look back, I feel sad about those days. There are tons of memories where I just wanted a small gesture, a small toy or a furry pencil that costed so little. And he was a teacher, and my mom was working as well. We did have money, but we lived like we didn’t have any. Even my mom was used to live like that. She didn’t even have extra clothes, any cosmetics what-so-ever. She was making as much money as dad did, but she didn’t have the freedom to spend it. We were brought up to be like that.

After their divorce, my mom started to spend the money she was earning for us, for us. I wasn’t able to get any pocket money from my dad and I felt so guilty for every penny I had to get from my mother. Therefore, I started to work, I’ve transformed my hobbies into freelance jobs, like designing and she is still proud of that.

Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.

I can try this, not sure whom but, I can imagine I suppose.

Thank you Anita, TeaK and Peter. It’s a privilege to be able to share all the details and your support means a lot as well. All of the mental and physical challenges I’m facing these days requires a huge deal of perseverance. I’m not sure how much perseverance I have within me.

I’ve been thinking about a B plan for like 2 days and it includes, quitting this job, then investing in a tattoo machine and an ipad which would allow me to draw more and more. Maybe then I would be able to find more gigs and create a future.

It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

Your words sound right, also it feels like I’m meeting with an old friend that I have missed a lot. However, you have to get used to the feeling, you have to feel normal with that friend I guess. But that’s not the case for me. It seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, it’s like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. I’m not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive. But then again I might be in that contradiction as well, whether or not worthy, I desperately need it.

What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

There isn’t any clear diagnosis, as far as I know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him regarding his therapies, so I didn’t poke my nose that much, which might’ve been a mistake. We’ve been living together for one year now and I don’t know most of the medication he has used. I guess I have a part of myself which tends to be distant as well, I might stay distant at some issues or situations like my mother. I need the attention but I have troubles giving the same attention I guess.

I guess the doctors mentioned major depression and that’s all. Although, we thought he might have Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also heard that doctors tend to stay away from harsh expressions to make less mistakes during the treatment, I’m not sure. As for the psychiatrist that quit, he used to have this one psychologist and they did have a connection. I guess they did therapies for a long time, but she literally grew up with him. The psychologist was a bit young and she learned much with him, last summer when he asked for her help, she suggested that he should seek help from a more professional, experienced psychiatrist with a cognitive behavioral therapy background.

Then he did look for someone and found this professor with all those experiences and went to get therapy from her even though it was very expensive. She prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day. He started to harm his belongings, like his computer or the door during an argument. He was also harming himself during or after those tantrums. After a couple of months and 3-4 sessions, I guess, that psychiatrist wanted to quit working with him. He was texting her asking for help during those months and I thought that she was kind of tired of this. But when I read everything he has texted, I realized there was nothing wrong with the messages. They were not a lot, not at all. He was just asking for help, and she didn’t even reply. I still have resentment towards that doctor, I feel very upset about this. I cannot imagine how bad it must’ve been for him.

Then another friends’ suggestion was this psychiatrist from another city, so the sessions would be online. He called her and they talked, but this one suggested that online therapy would not be enough and he should seek professional help in a clinic face-to-face or even something like rehab. But the university kept giving different doctors to him everytime he went there. There wasn’t any consistency at all.

You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

This is my first job after graduation. I used to work all the time during my school years, I’ve started working when I was 15. I used to consider myself as a workaholic. However, this job is making me get rid of that title and concept. I know that I cannot spend my life, even a year of my life, working this hard, at a office, trying to please my boss. I am working 9 hours everyday and Saturdays are included as well. And I spend my Sundays with laundry, personal hygiene or cleaning. So it feels really bad to get home at night and try to relax, sleep for a while and then go back to work. It basically never ends and this suffocates me. I have a perfectionist boss who is not satisfied with anything, so the most stressfull thing is the boss. However, I decided that I must go on till I cannot anymore to put some money aside for my future. Maybe for a masters degree abroad or another opportunity, I’ll need money and I’m trying to earn that money at the moment.

I’m sorry for this long post, but my colleague is playing depressive songs in his computer so I’m very influenced by that. So I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts more. I’ve talked with my mother last night for 1.5 hours on the phone. She kept going on and on about how he is a very good person but we cannot live like this. She is concerned, very concerned. She thinks that he manipulates me without knowing. She also suggested ‘me getting scared for losing him this much’ is related with ego. I was a bit more rational last night, I was able to talk, then sleep. But right now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.