Dear Anita,

I’ve bought a CBT book with my boyfriend’s recommendation months ago. He didn’t read it as well but he knows about the author and he also knows CBT. However, since he didn’t read it, i didn’t read it as well. I read like 100 pages and then let it go. And the reason is that the book says simple things, so simple that one would stop and think ‘Is that the thing that would make me better? I doubt it.’. Since it’s really basic, i didn’t continue reading it. But even though it’s basic, I have hard time doing that basic stuff. So I will be start reading it again. Not just the book, though. I will be reading stuff about CBT as well.

Thank you again. Usually what makes me feel worse is the first reaction to an event. When something happens and triggers my fear, the first reaction I can give is some kind of shock and anxiety within me. It’s like the anxiety starts from the center of my chest and then it expands. And I keep feeding it, expands more and more. I have to learn not to feed it. And also I have to learn how to handle it and prevent it.

Also, I have to say I’m surprised by your conclusions. It’s mesmerizing.

I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t feel the strength to do anything. I don’t want to come here and complain about stuff and don’t do the things you suggest me to do. He feels guilty, he doesn’t know what to do. He just wants to support me and do whatever I want. All I can want is to finish work today, go home, lay in bed and cry. He waited till I was asleep yesterday. It cost him a lot of time, but I realized something. I recall not being able to sleep in the past. My mom used to try to put me to sleep, wait till I seem asleep and then go mind her business, either smoking and thinking at the balcony or doing whatever she was doing. And this was a never ending cycle. Her thinking that I’m finally asleep, going to the kitchen to smoke cigarettes and then I suddenly wake up and realize she’s not there. So I immediately think that she’s left again. After I find her at the kitchen, I try to express my worries and she tries to put me to sleep again. And this repeats n repeats. I knew I had some sort of problem about being abandoned by it’s more clear now. And in every relationship I had, both romantic or not, I have never felt safe. After the tiniest amount of emptiness, I’ve always thought ‘there you go’. People tend to need that break in the kitchen or balcony, but I couldn’t understand that.

Although, with him, I was able to feel safe. He achieved that, I don’t know why. He is very sincere about his communication, that’s why he expresses every thought. Even the flirting stuff he wanted, he told me and wanted to be honest. Maybe I would be better if he lied. But he has seen somebody yesterday. I told him (before) that ‘I cannot say you not to do something, but this is how I feel about it, and it makes me feel bad.’ So he thought he needed to do that, try that. And gave me chances to say ‘don’t do it’. But I didn’t. So he tried, talked her like a friend. But the flirting part was insincere, he says. He pushed himself to do one thing that contradicted with me and didn’t want to feel like he was not doing anything for himself. He wanted to feel selfish, I guess. But now, he regrets. And I regret that I didn’t say ‘don’t do it’. He says that even I were to forgive him, he won’t be able to do that. But he wants to try, try to be happy with me again. It has been one of the hardest days of 2020. It has been a really hard year. I feel weak, too weak to plan something. I can only try to continue stay alive.

He is now considering having an affair or flirting with another person just to stay alive. I cannot say anything since I have not much to offer. But I feel like, we were in this together. I was in pain with him as well. I have tried while he was trying. So this feels unfair. He wants to be by my side but he also needs stuff to try to feel alive. He is sure that he still loves me. But considers all the stuff I did with my exboyfriends (such as camping, going to different cities, smoking, drinking) as ‘living’. And he thinks that he didn’t do any of those in the past, so he feels left-alone. Although I know that’s totally an illusion, because we’ve spent our first ‘together’ week abroad, having more fun than any other ex. But then again, months after being home, I studied for masters’ exams and applied for lots of jobs and had online meetings while he was waiting for his next semester at school. So besides trying to understand my situation, since I’ve got reasons to feel stressed, he also wanted to go camping, travel, holidays etc. But I couldn’t make plans either because of the pandemic and because I wanted to find a job or draw a path to a masters or any future plans for that matter. So he got annoyed and upset about that. And now, I’m in a full-time job, therefore, I can only offer him late-night plans and my Sundays.

When I say that knowing him seeing other people would hurt me, he doesn’t want to hurt me. Although, he doesn’t want to lie to me either. So, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I realize now that I am still really dependant. Nothing has changed.

My thoughts: I think that you and him share #1, 3 and 5: you both fear abandonment, you both feel empty, and you both don’t have a strong sense of identity. Also, neither one of you has a history of healthy intimate relationships.

Yes, I agree with that. I am only a bit more succesfull than him to make myself distract with work and social media, so I seem to be in a better condition than him. But you’re totally right.

1. Regarding BPD you/ he can look up Emotional Regulation Skills– there are online resources as well as books, maybe workbooks as well. Key for a person who cannot regulate his emotions is to learn and practice these skills over a long period of time. It can be done successfully.

I’ll read about it and I’ll try to send him notes, quotes and effect him in general. We have two different books about depression in general, but since he read too much in the past, he doesn’t believe that they would work. So he doesn’t read them. Although, I’ve started but didn’t keep going so we’re both to blame. I learned that this only gets better when one practice every day and every moment. There is going to be some relapses of course, but we have to resist them and keep practising. Your observations sound so true to me.

So if you have the time, I would like to share the things look like him in the Borderline Personality Disorder.

Merry Christmas to you as well! I hope you have a very happy new year. So I see your point and I’m no longer focused on the ego thing. About the sleep issue, because of work schedule, I had to sleep everyday. Therefore, I had to maintain a sleep schedule and it’s not bad. I sometimes have issues falling asleep but I’m trying to find my ways. I guess I need that 8 hours everyday. It seems a lot, but I have to perform my best at this trial period. So I’m willing to make that sacrifice to be able to be my best self during the work hours. And it’s almost the same with my boyfriend. He is still looking for new ways to get therapy, I’m trying to help him. But he doesn’t have me at the home during the day. I’m only there during a couple hours in the evening and then we sleep. I feel like he doesn’t like this idea but he respects my wishes and my work. He knew that I liked working and he also liked this side of me as well. So he is trying to adjust. Also, I can see clearly that I have a limited power towards him, I cannot do more. I’m trying so we’ll see. He is talking about visiting his parents maybe a month later, so that distance might make us feel better. For now, he distracts himself sometimes and gets better. But in a few days, he starts thinking about the same things, like what I have done with my exes and not with him, and this thought loops makes him angry, broken-hearted.