Hi Tom,

I can empathise with your position of days merging into one and it being hard to face the world and deal with it. I struggle with this too and so I can say what has worked in the past for me but it does not always work.

For me, things like involving being outside and movment have really helped as they help change my mind from one of “meh” to perhaps one with more energy. Sometimes little ideas come to me when I am walking or running and I try and follow them e.g an idea of making myself a proper lunch, or an idea for the garden, or work etc and so that can be nice when that happens. For me movement means running, walking or yoga. The biggest thing I have learned through this is that I do not always “feel” like going for a walk or doing yoga but actually once I am out there and doing it, just by doing the opposite of my mind, by not letting the thoughts stop me, I have “won”, so the actual exercise is a bonus. You could make it into a game where you make yourself go out for more exercise everday and make a note of 3 things you saw that inspired you outside eg like seeing a barn owl, a new flower on a plant etc so it helps your brain actively look for those things OR get a pedometer and set yourself the target of getting 10,000 steps (or more) a day in.. little things that could help.

I guess you know this already, but no one is coming. Not God, not a parent, not anyone to save you. You could sit in your room all day for the rest of your life and nothing would change. I know it is obvious and I have definitely fallen into this thinking trap before, as it seems so HARD to make changes, but unless you do, they won’t happen. I wouldnt worry about what you change to start with eg it could be committing to 2 x walks a day instead of just one, or committing to looking for volunteer work that you may like etc .. it could just be one thing, but control over that one thing, knocks into other things in life (in my own experience) so you need to kind of experiment and find that/those things. Asking yourself questions such as: What did you enjoy as a child? What proffession do you secretly admire? What shows do you lije watching? Etc etc can help to try and rediscover those hidden parts of you.

In terms of a job- perhaps you could write a kist of ideally would you like to do and either post it here or not, and I could help you consider options. You say you would like ‘a decent enough job” which, although better than being sat at home, is not that inspiring to think of.. what about if you could have “an amazing job that is fulfilling and you love”.. looking for that kind of job would be more exciting if you believed those feelings were possible…

I know life is hard. Adulting is hard and it is hard sometimes to see a point and a reason to actually DO anything. I have struggled with these feelings before. For me, the answer is that say if I go for a run or hold down a job or volunteer, I feel better about myself mentally and physically than if I didnt do those things.. that feeling better then affects how I deal with people I meet in life from cashiers to my colleagues and then that all adds up. I also find I have more ideas when I am running or just finished running or after yoga which can make a very small difference in the world such as sending a card to someone, making a nice dinner, thinking of a new thing to try at work or a new business idea to try out or a hobby to try.. again I think those things are useful in that i dont get to them by thinking, they kind of come after exercise.

In terms of your thoughts spinning. Mine do that. I NEED to get out of the house each day to put things in perspective so I would advise that if you start to spiral or do a quick 5 minute yoga session (I use yoga by adrienne on youtube for free) or guided meditations. Daniel Siegal does a good one called the “wheel of awareness” meditation which I find calming. Also there are talks by Tony Robbins on youtube that talk about how to xhange your mental state quickly, perhaps it is worth trying a few of those he describes and see what works for you.

I hope you have a relaxing and non anxious evening.

Hello Lostcatlady,

You have explained your situation with more detail and I feel I understand a little better. It sounds like you are doing everything right in terms of self care, looking for other hobbies like badminton and sleeping well etc. I think tthat is a hard thing I have found in my own life too sometimes eg if I am doing everything I should and people say to do eg like exercise, eating well etc how do I still feel a bit “meh” or underwhelmed at times. Is that how you feel?

Organising your photos sounds a task you can easily get lost in and I bet you will feel proud at the end that it is done. Do you have alot more left to do with this?

Maybe your way forward could be to research jobs in the healthcare or social sector as by changing jobs you will automatically be in a new environment with the opportunity to make new friends. Alot easier said than done though I do appreciate.

In terms of making friends I have found it best to try and find friends linked to my hobbies or classes I am doing. I do not have any “friends” at such from work. In terms of hobbies and classes I have taken a few over the years  but probably only gained aqauintences from them eg people i could go out for a drink with once in a while but that is it. I find it hard to make friends too..

In terms of rumination and worry. I do this alot. I try to do it less now, but it is still more than I would like. Ways I have found to help me are to get up and do fast paced movement when i am ruminating eg squats, star jumps or sit ups-anything to break the mind pattern. Or go for a fast jog. Yoga also works for me as you have to be very present to figure out which is left and right! Other things include things like colouring or watching tv or reading a book – basically distractions or to try and turn it into small steps eg what one thing could I do right now to feel better and then go and do it. I wish there were a simple fix!

Hello Lostcatlady,

You have laid out your current situation very well here. I can appreciate it is scary having to find another job and worry about skills-job adverts can be particularly intimidating by fhe way they are written. I also understood from your post that you are not sure what your current passion is so you are not sure what job you would like to do in the future.

I have been in a similar situation in terms of not feeling a “passion” driving me one way or another and every road at that point seems unclear/pointless and you feel under pressure to “do something quickly!!”.

I dont have a proper answer to that from my own experience, maybe others here will have rhough. In my own life I didnt look for “passion” as that seemed like a too big thing eg how did i know if i felt “passionate” enough about something or if it was just fleeting?! I looked for little things that made me feel marginally happier or slightly more okay. At first these were very small things that I did for myself eg listening to a podcast I found myself enjoying, making a new recipe for tea .. small things that gave bits of joy. Then over time of repeatedly asking yourself “what would I like next?”, little thoughts come out of blue like “I wonder what it would be like if I… ” etc. This lead me to try new hobbies such as pottery, yoga and watersports. This does not mean all those hobbies stuck but by getting yourself to try 3-= (or more) you could find one hobby you can commit to over time. From your post it sounded like you had found some of your hobbies i in the past- Why did you stop watching anime? It sounded like you enjoyed it.

It sounds like cats are a big part of your life/heart suggesting you enjoy caring for other beings, maybe you could extend that to say a day try out at an animal shelter (just so you can tick it off your list as either you defo dont want to volunteer there or you liked it more than you thought), volunteer in a care home or with children perhaps?

I appreciate it is hard to know what to do when you dont feel motivated and low in energy. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself e.g exercise.

Your skills are most likely transferable so maybe finding a new job with the security and friendly boss that you have currently- could you work for another company doing the same thing as you do now? Or find a small family run firm that you could work for locally to you as they tend to be more relaxed than big corporates?

Hi John,

I dont think it is pathetic but I do think your thoughts have taken over your mind. I think that is very easy to do and all the “just dont think about her’s” in the world wont help.

A few ways to try and make you think about her less is to:

1) practice mindfulness. This sounds a bit homey pokey but actually just means focusing entirely on the present moment. It is easier to do if you are doing a task like cleaning the dishes or gardening- anything that you have to focus on. You make it your goal to do whatever it is as best you can and focus on it and you kind of get lost in the process and time goes by.

2) run. If you go running you cant really run and think at the same time. A good break for your brain.

3) get excited about something in your life that does not involve your ex. This could be anything but something you will feel proud of doing and regularly commit time to. For me this is yoga.

4) accept you feel how you feel. Eg right now you still miss her. That is 100% okay and valid but you can miss her AND progress with your life. In fact this is what I would say 99.9% of people have done at some point or other. This way you arent fighting against missing her, you just are. That is okay. It just means it will take more time.

5) if you really really really want her back then leave your girlfriend and go round and aee her. But I feel that maybe you dont want that. Like you want the idea of her back but maybe not her?? I dont know. Maybe you do rreally really want her back and it sucks as she is with someone else, but if that is the case then that is just how it is. Life is not here all the time, to make us happy, and often we get what we want not what we need- que rolling stones song.. so you can miss her and carry on being an awesome person! You arent ruined or broken or anything else because she is no longer in your life.

6) go to therapy. Try online therapy such as betterhelp or talkspace if you dont want to go face to face. It will help. If u are already going and i missed it in your post, ignore this one.

7) volunteer or do something to help a cause you beleive in eg make it your mission to do a random act of kindness each day eg focus on something else other than your ex.

8) accept you will be sad at times and it will hurt. Sometimes it will feel like it hurts for the very first time all over again. It will pass.

9) read “ask polly” agony aunt questions online-they are funny and you may find some advice in there that relate to your situation.

I have followed your thread for a while. I want you to feel better and to start to be able to feel more at peace. It sounds exhausting how things are now. Take good care of yourself.

Hi Ashley,

I thought I had not more to add but as I was reading your last posts it sprung to mind that you reminded me a little bit of a colleague I work with and get on well with. What I write next is based on that, but I could be projecting and completly wrong in that I only see what I know or infer about you from writing only on these posts.

My colleague works incredibly hard, she often works long long hours, complains about the manager not being any good and oeganises lots of additional meetings. She is very good at her job and successful, eg on various boards for things. She often complains and says why is she the only one doing overtime when others arent? Why is she the one tired and busy? Almost like doing a sprint when everyone else is just walking along at their own pace. For her I know it is a geat source of frustration at this eg why cant more people be like her? More work would get done and it would be better.

However I think it comes back to values and why you are doing something. Eg maybe she values regonition and success more than say flexibility or a peaceful life-there is no right of wrong but it shows why people arent magically going to change to be like her eg start running but perhaps she could slow down a bit and walk with the rest of the team, not because it is lowering standards but because it is healthier for her.

You mentioned about needing to keep movig and working etc and I would be interested to know why? Why do you want to go higher and higher? It sounds like you are rich and successful already eg the swiss watch etc so why do you need more money? More things? More status? What are you looking for? I think this is a very common thing in the world and of course you can be rich and happy, but it sounds from all the moving and stress associated with getting ahead in the company that it is quite lonely and often not al that glittery or exciting-This is my inference from your words but I could be wrong. Maybe the cycling and other hobbies is a trial and error time to find what makes you happy and belong outside of work and that could your focus for a while?

It could be related to what Mark said about love vs fear, if it is genuine love that keeps you motivated at your job eg you feel a stable calm inside or a fizziness or joy based on your job day to day, and not just the success or end of a project then you are clearly on the right track, but if you are more doing and doing because of fear eg fear of not making the most of your qualifications, a fear to be someone and make it etc then it is good to take a step back and reassess what you want tto do. You dont have to be a high flier to have friends or be liked or be loved-you are 200% okay exactly how you are.

It sounds like you have done alot of job changes in the past so maybe a new one that is more stable is on the cards.

Also, you say (and I could be wrong here as my phone wont let me scroll back up to your oost) something like people judge you for who you are and you judge them for what they are.. i dont understand that sentence. If having an education from X, driving a Y car and living in xx district is what they are, how does this denoate if they are worth a friendship and trust with? Taking extreme examples like the guy from the film wolf on wall street or donald trump, yes they have alot of “whats” but do I respect those people? No. If i dont respect someone, i wont want to forge a relationship with them and so in my own way I would cut off the friendship before it even starts. It takes alot to be vulnerable, let down the walls and trust a friendship and so you need someone who has the capability for empathy, humour and non judgement to you for this to occur. Cycling sounds good, as it is active meaning you focus on your body more than your mind and I can imagine it is more like small talk or chit chat for a few sessions before friendships grow, this could be a great opportunity for you to have that stability- best of luck! 🙂

Hello Ashley,

I was pulling up weeds in my garden and your thread popped into my mind so I thought I would reply with my two pence worth.

I think it can be hard to find your tribe, particularly as you get older as people have partners, children, family and it is hard to find time for good friends let alone make new ones. I empathise with you looking for true friends when moving around so much, I have stayed in one place, but still find it hard!

I did wonder from the tone of your messages that do you still want to be moving around so much with your work? Or would you prefer to stay in one city? It is really great that you have been and are so successful, I think that is inspirational to many people, but maybe your quest for your tribe is also about wanting more stability in your life in general? I could be wayyy off the mark here so please ignore if you dont think it fits your dituation.

The second thing I thought was that we begin the world with nothing and leave with nothing, and we are all looking for the same thing eg human connection, so that could be your focus of conversation. What matters to me most about a person is their values eg are rhey kind or caring or considerate etc not what job they do or status they have. So perhaps you could look for ways to demonstrate your values.

The third thing I thought as that maybe you should try working with animals for a short while. This may sound a bit unrelated to your question, but the reason I say that, is prey animals such as horses, sheep, cattle give you instant and honest feedback on how well you communicate with them in their language-body language, posture etc. They also do not hold a grudge so if you do the communication “wrong” and correct it they respond to the correction as they live in the moment. This allows you to constantly adjust and tweak your body language to influence them. This may also help in human social interactions eg reading body language etc. Animals are honest and forgiving and can hold a mirror in many cases to strengths and weaknesses. I have experienced that myself.

The other thing I thought of was that you could try either of these things. 1) join a club that plays to your debator type strengths such as toastmasters or a debating society. These people may be more like your tribe than others Or 2) try something you know you havent done before or isnt a strength eg for me this is like a an art class or pottery class. By starting at the bottom and being eager to learn you may find you make connections that way. 3) volunteer for a cause you believe in eg red cross etc. Then your organisation and problem solving skills will be seen as strenghts and by physically doing things with others in a team for a common goal you all believe in it could be easier to find people with things you have in common.

Take care of yourself.

Hello Again!

Just had a few more thoughts whilst out walking. When I have felt my lowest I actively searched online for things to make me feel better and came across two free things to do:

https://mobile.twitter.com/sharesmiles1 – a anonymous gift company set up in Brighton. This is my first month doing it. You basically get given someone in the UK to buy or make a gift for based on what they like and someone does the same for you. This wont make me happy per sea but it is nice to get creative to give a good gift to someone else and imagine them opening it.

2) Henpals-letter writing to people in care homes who have been given hens to look after https://equalarts.org.uk/our-work/henpower  i dont know anything about hens or art but I wrote something!

Another two good book suggestions could be:

1) the dark night of the soul by Thomas Moore – I re read this alot. Just having someone like the author of the book who has veen through what you are feeling is helpful.

2) fictional book called “Eleanor Oliphant is completly fine”.. a really uplifting and moving book, that could be a good distraction.

When I realised I had to move on I had kind of lost myself in sadness and myself as a person. I somehow didnt do alot of the “growing up” as a teenager so I didnt really know who I was at all. It felt and still does, like groping around blind in the dark. It is also easy to compare to others at a similar age (I am 28) and to think they have it all together etc or are “further on” in life etc, but zI think everyone is groping around in the dark or has done at some point or will do in the future again. For me I tried to follow my little voice every time-just as you did with going swimming Shelby, when it would of been so easy to stay in bed. It is like that good wolf and bad wolf story about two wolves inside fighting and it is the one you feed that wins out. For me that led me to do ALOT of sifferent classes, go on a solo trip, volunteer, etc but also small things like learn how to make bread, buy some new face cream etc. The little things can make you a little happy too. Xx