Anita

Today was horrible. Anxiety, panic attacks and 0 confidence in myself or life going forward. I am so sad

I went and seen both grandmas yesterday since I was feeling up and thought I should give them a chance, I confronted one gradma who was very mean and standoffish after aunt smeared me and she denied it and said she loves me. So invalidating. I am so lost at this point. It is safe to say today was SO depressing. I seen no point in life today. What is the point?

I am not well today and do not see how I can be well. I cannot even here the voice inside me anymore, Why am I losing myself?

What do I do?

Hi Anita,

i have not spoken to either. I can’t take anymore stress at this point. Today I took care of me! I did all the works. I have to admit I still have anxiety, negative ruminations and self doubt but staying above in spite. The Lord must be with me!

Anita thank you! And I truly believe that. I know I am sane. I also know I am not perfect and these people have their own perceptions. I also know these people are ultimately hurting as well and battling life their own way so I am trying to play Jesus here.

Not really sure what to do? Kind of feel like cutting all contact with family and starting over without them is harsh but also feel like staying is hurting me as well. I wish I could freeze time.

Thank you and I am glad you are better!

I am not sure what he wants, I don’t think I should go but then I’m like maybe I can make peace with a convo. Let him and my family know I need time to heal myself. And time away period.

Here is what happened, we all had not been talking much due to my boundaries against their abuse. We sat down me brothers and dad. Older b goes after dad, then I can’t remember much I do remember I said a lot of things myself (I am not innocent) I may have shamed then by saying truthful things that hurt me. I told older b that he is controlling and manipulating. He asked for examples and said he wasn’t manipulative. I told younger b he is in toxic relationship and abandoned me when I needed him. In the end younger b said I expect perfection and I pushed my mom so hard on her death bed, my older brother said “be a fucking god mother” and made comments about how I am not according to his woman and daughter. I lashed out and said they don’t make a path for me that his family is disrespectful. I then got up and said I couldn’t take any more and left the house. My younger b went to his room and said I love you from the room not oooking at me. Which is creepy and older b and dad outside smoking a cigarette gave me hugs and said bye. I was hurt and broken and they watched me leave. Didn’t attend burial and didn’t hear a thing from either brother. My dad called couple days later and said are we ok? I don’t see why wouldn’t be but now I feel I should have said more. I went to church with him after. I hate that! I feel so suppressed. He let me get slaughtered and he was recently supporting me so it was shocking. I am just so hurt!!!! And feel so powerless since then I have made so many reactive decisions and now am not in contact with many and look like the troubled one.

I believe the reason I was becoming more confident was because I was setting so many boundaries with friends and family and now I reacted and handed that power away!

what I meant by saying no! Is when my brother asked for the meeting. Where they shattered me and gaslit me and leavening me in self doubt and confusion. Giving me unbelievable panic and tremors throughout my body that night and for weeks after causing me to miss the burial and react impulsively hence giving my power away. Causing me to be now depressed, sleep deprived and lonely. Without a clue where to go next!

I have to disagree, I was on my way to a happily ever after. I really was. I know nothing is permanent but one can make a happy life. I was getting there. With boundaries, self love and healing. It hurts me to feel like you don’t agree. I’ve been on this journey with you and you have always encouraged me.

Hi Anita,

I took a few days of reflection and rest. I finally cried about my mom’s death and realized my brother re opened that wound. I cried about what family has done. And I got really angry, I yelled and screamed while taking a drive about what was done to me. I am finally getting some hours of sleep thank GOD! 2 nights ago I naturally slept for 4 hours and last night I took CBD oil to relax me and fell asleep for 5 hours! Lovely.

Now I am stuck with shame and guilt. I feel worthless again, no ambition. I feel my power has been tooken away for good. I was finally somewhere where I felt good about me. I felt good going out, and about my body regardless of imperfections and now I am down and out. The funny thing is I realize these feelings wee projected onto me. I know I was emotionally abused!! But as things settle and time goes on and the ones who hurt me so bad reach out like nothing ever happened I am quite invalidated. I hate feeling like this, it is unfair. But it was my reactions that took my power away, so much regret. Why didn’t I hold onto myself I was doing so good!! I feel like I was on the brink of escaping childhood brainwashing and now all of those beliefs run through my head again.