Hi Anita,

Am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work work and healing. I feel so alone again.
Last night I made a decision to email my ex.
I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight.
He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship. He did not want to be a liar again.

Now I 100 percent know this is a red flag but we emailed back and fort a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm. I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it back fires. I have so much built inside because it’s always just me.

Please help me organize these feelings somewhat.

I have all this time never stopped to speaking to someone who hurt me so badly. Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making.

Anita! Thank you!

It has been a while again. I’ve thought about you. But Sitting down and writing ive been resisting for some reason. I’ve had to catch up a lot financially so I’ve been on the go go go! But I’m finally starting to slow down a bit. It’s one of my goals this year. I hope you enjoyed the Holiday season despite this new Covid stuff.

Things are going good Anita.
I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.

I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me. I have struggled feeling comfortable anywhere. I don’t make alot here and it’s not exactly what I had in mind but I am sooo grateful to feel useful and good at something again. I enjoy my work and am hoping I can commit to a good length here while continuing to catch up. It feels nice to breath again. I’m not completely caught up with my bills but I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita.

I know we made a new thread with intention but I still struggle with my Mothers death. I am more wise and understand she was not my responsibility but damn the lack of support she had in her last days was uncalled for. I know how that feels now. To feel like you have no support. It takes a strong individual and higher power to keep you going on a straight line. My mom had too much illness to have the strength. I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered. Only a mother can offer. She really did have my back the best she could. The saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone could not be more true.

I am learning so much about life lately. How much pain most people are in. How many lies we are taught. And we can change them slowly but surely.

Anita I hope to be more consistent in my responses. Another goal of mine. I still tend to isolate vs reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.

but I am in a woman’s group that meets bi weekly and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps.

Hi Anita!

I am sorry I have fallen into some major procrastination again. It seems to be my biggest struggle lately but mainly when it comes to connecting. I have been successful at keeping up other things. I am back on the horse and I fall off again often but never hurts as much as the time before and I get back up. I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting. She is good. Looking back at our notes I notice it has been so long since we spoke. I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again. As far as reuniting with my father that wasn’t so bad but also a little scary and still has me uneasy. When his mother died (my Grandma) I felt it necessary to go see him. My sweet Grandma, one of the people in my family who loved me the most unconditionally as she could. Such a loss. This medication makes me a bit numb so I am not sure how deeply sad I could have felt but I was very heartbroken. Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear. I am so grateful. I think my procrastination on connecting more is my fear of moving on. But I dont rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate. No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore. And take life as it comes. A lot I need to still achieve. I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay. Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though.

How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy.

Hi Anita,

Ok, your right it is a fearful place to be. I decided on more money. I already started to feel taken advantage of within the other company first couple of days. It was kind of a low pay and I thought I deserved more when I am literally at my witts end exhausting my energy to work. Am I thrilled with the other job? I dont know yet. It seems to be up in flames personnel wise but i do not want to complain. I am trying to look at work only as a means to make my livelihood versus a place for emotions. But boy that is hard when my emotions are haywire.

I am having a little trouble accepting life as it is. I want things to be easier. The little girl throwing a tantrum for her family as you painted a picture for me before. But little Nichole has to grow up.

Yes you Asked about what I meant about Psychoses. Yes intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/dissociation. And once in a great relief. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy.

Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delay in response. Hiding away from the world has been a norm for me. I do remember the rooster and glad he has stopped causing trouble.

I did put my trust in the girl who helped me with the tire. The relationship hasn’t gone far though. And that is ok. She was helpful and I am grateful. I do my control issues likely play a role in my relationships not going far. Unconsciously I tend to try and control my experiences in various ways so I am accepted and don’t get hurt and to appear to “be ok”. I have this strong guard up with everything recently. It is so stressful. Riddled in fear most days still. I am starting to recall what you told me over a year ago. Be prepared to be uncomfortable for a while. Or something of that nature. I have been this way my entire life and so changing this stress response and patterns will take time. I guess I am just hoping for a bit more relief than I have had.

Here is my latest dilemma causing me to go into overdrive. I was on unemployment for the past 3 months. I started my job hunt and landed a remote position. This is what I wanted. I also interviewed for an office coordinator position making 7 dollars more. I know I am more than competent for the position, however, I am the furthest thing from feeling confident. I feel like a worthless human being lately so it’s hard to trust myself enough to function.

I had accepted the job with the remote company last week. Today the owner of the local business called me and offered position. I took it. They both start Monday. I do not know how to juggle this decision. My heart is telling me to go for more money as I definitely need to get caught up but I was thrilled to find a remote position. The position is new and being creative and thought I could really express myself. There is a lot of structure there with direct planning and projects daily which I love because not really any guessing on what is happening. Also, the local business is a screen company. It is unique to the trade and I would be in charge with most all administration. It seems like a lot of work. They both do. Which is fine but I am nervous because of course I have memories and flashbacks to the old job with my old boss. Demeaning and cruel at times. Discarded me and acted like I did not exist in the end. I do know I played a role in this as well. But how can I trust I wont create this in my life again when I am in such distress and fear still.

You told me and I lived by it for a long time. Don’t judge my day on how i felt but more on how I functioned. I always carry that with me because it is true. I feel hopeless most days, sometimes so overwhelmed and lost. But my bills are paid. I am showered. My clothes are cleaned. I am fed. I am attending Church tomorrow God Willing. I will go on a walk today. So I keep wondering why my feelings wont align. But then I think back to all the unfelt feelings. And the disconnect from the people who were my tribe. I am alone beside some really kind virtual friends and pen pals like you and Tiny Buddha and my facebook people and a therapist and a group I belong to. But I guess this is my new beginning. I guess my fear is trying to hold me back from moving on.

You are right. I just got some more information on it today. And looking outside of myself it is best to get it for our society. Stronger Together.

Thanks for getting back Anita,

I honestly wouldn’t have know about the pandemic statistics had you not mentioned them. I feel safe against Covid just because of my faith but honestly I have been working with the public a lot lately so I am highly exposed.

Thanks for complimenting my writing. I think through all of the pain and suffering I’ve become much more expressive in writing and in speaking at times. When you are in the midst of suffering sometimes your voice dies and when you are put to the test you have to dig deep and find the words. I’m working on this.

What a year! The isolation has made things worse and more confusing. I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just the nostalgia. I read back to some of posts last year and I was in despair in that relationship at one point. I’m lacking the support I need with all of the trauma coming up for me. My sexual abuse has been prominent but I struggle to go down that road knowing there isn’t an emotionally available close relationship I can rely on when that road gets bumpy.