Will, I like how you describe this behaviour as “bad mental habits”. I agree that we all choose our paths but I don’t understand how some people can constantly blame others. Of course, we all do this from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, it’s just so debilitating. Blaming others puts them very much in a victim role which then becomes a sad cycle they can never escape b/c it’s always someone else’s fault.

In the end it all boils down to one thing: people will change when THEY want to change. And they need to want to change for themselves. For family and friends, it’s torture watching people battle the demons of depression … but I’ve learned that the more we try to pressure them to get help, the more they resist. CBT and EFT are very effective treatments – but only if the person wants to do it. When they’re ready to listen, to hear, to activate change for themselves, it’s amazing what can happen. So don’t lose hope for your friend. Peace.

Ivan, Everyone on this forum is truly kind! What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change. Believe me. Let me share my own story. I’m married to a man who is exactly as you describe here. He has always blamed others for his own misery .. it’s been my fault that he can’t find a job, it’s my mother’s fault that his marriage is breaking down, it’s the children’s fault that he’s depressed … I could go on and on – the list is endless. Rarely have I ever heard him say, “It’s my fault.” This man is 56 years old. We got married at 21 and there were signs even then, but I figured he would change as he growed and matured. No. I believe this behaviour does stem from childhood trauma – but until he’s ready and willing to face it and battle it, there’s nothing anyone else can do. We’ve been married 35 years, I’ve raised 4 daughters and him. He’s my fifth child and the most difficult to deal with. My girls are grown and living independently. They’re intelligent, confident and can deal with life on their own. I feel I did the best I could with them. As for him, we’re in the process of separating. Of course, he blames me for the breakdown of the marriage. I’ve tried and tried to reason with him, but there’s no use. Everything is my fault in his eyes. I’m done with him. I’ve been to doctors, lawyers, priests and counselors – all in an effort to help this man – but the more I do, the less he does. And that’s the core of the problem. Your girlfriend can’t ‘DO’ anything for her brother .. she can listen to him when he acts up, but the kindest thing to do is to just leave him be. He’ll have to figure it out for herself. I wish you both well. You sound like a very sensitive, supportive boyfriend – be patient with her. She loves her brother and wants the best for him .. but she needs to step away.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Nikita.

Blessing for my gratitude buddies 🙂 I never make resolutions b/c I never keep them, but here’s one 1 WANT to keep – I’m going to find 3 things to be grateful for every day.

I’m grateful for the unexpected gifts from the universe. The other day I went to the mall just to distract myself from myh thoughts. Went to get something to eat and there was a bookstore close by, so I just went in to check it out. I found a book, The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer. I’ve been glued to the book ever since (well, at least when I’m not surfing through my favourite Tiny Buddha site). It talks about how we can find inner peace and freedom .. and how it all starts with us. Thank you to the universe for helping me further my spiritual growth and understanding.

I’m grateful for small blessings … a smile from a stranger, coffee 🙂 and music.

I’m grateful for silence and peace, even if it comes at a price of letting go of a hurtful, damaged relationship.

There .. I feel better 🙂 What an awesome experience. To just sit quietly and be able to embrace my life .. the good, the bad and the ugly. Definitely Different.

Wow, Kim,that was beautiful. It so describes what I’m experiencing and what I’d like to experience. I’ve been realizing that I live a lot of my life in fear. On the outside it doesn’t look like it. I have a great job, a house, a family, but at the end of the day, when I look at my life, I’ve been one big mass of fear. I’ve been married for over 30 years to a man who’s been very emotionally abusive .. and I took it! I’m just realizing this now. What do you call it when I’m scared to be late coming home b/c I know he’s going to start accusing me of cheating on him. Or he’ll accuse me of “abandoning” him when I go anywhere. He just wants to sit at home, eat and drink and sleep .. and I have to stay with him.

I’m just so tired of it. We’ve withdrawn from each other and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I feel like I’m waking up from this awful nightmare. I’ve just lived in this crazy reality for so long .. always scared and anxious that he’ll get mad and make my life a living hell. I read so many spiritual books, do yoga, practice mindfulness … just to keep sane. I need to find out who I am. I lost myself in trying to please him and my family. I’m constantly withdrawing from them and just going through the motions.

This is why I LOVE your advice about building relationships with people “who accept you just the way you are.” I think the first relationship I need to build is with myself. I can do this now! I’m tired of being scared!