Fair enough Aiyana, good luck, may it work out well for you!

Hey Prakashraj,

I suggest you regularly maintain a journal and start volunteering seriously in an NGO for a few days. I will be pretty upfront with you on this – there are more challenging events to come in life and losing hope like this, hating others will not help you at all. Right now, your mind is stuck in victim mode – your situation is bad and everyone is pissing you off but see things for what they are – you are 18, you have a family, a roof over your head, people who will care for you in case something really bad happens – but screwing yourself over because of loneliness and some girl rejecting you isn’t worth it. Rejections happen in life, people will disappoint you and you will have to bounce back – life goes on. I am not saying I don’t understand the pain of loneliness, heart-break and depression – I do and that is why I implore you to consider the alternatives.

Take baby steps to combat your own negativity – try counselling for free say on yourdost.com – a few of the counsellors there are really good and I can recommend a few to you.

This too shall pass – over the years this is what I have realised – people overcome grief, abuse and tragedy – God knows what – we underestimate our ability to heal over time and overestimate what we can do to change in a day

The first step you can start with is do one good thing, one thoughtful thing for anyone a day without trying to take credit or expecting anything…I remember that day I was supposed to treat myself to this awesome takeaway after studying hard for an exam but in the end, I ended up buying ice-creams for the street kids. Haha, the seller thought I was a bit nuts but I dunno, it made me happy..during that time, I was just recovering from a major depressive episode, suicidal tendencies and had stated to get a grip oon life again. The guy I had loved for 6 years had broken my heart into pieces and that betrayal in the relationship shook me so hard – meanwhile, college placements tanked too.

And no one understood or even wanted to help while i was in this state – they were too busy in their own lives to care. I realised how alone i was and i had to somehow live through this either way…but you know, despite all of this – life goes on. Better things come, we develop the means to survive and thrive despite the pain.

I am sure you will find the way too but please don’t neglect your studies and future for this. You might not see that a good future is out there but trust me, you will regret thinking like this soon. One life, one chance – don’t waste your oppurtunities.

Regards,
Nina

Jackie,

Consider the following questions-

1) do you want a romantic relationship with him?
2) can you stay just friends with him? (minus the kissing and cuddling)

If the answer is no to both, then limit contact with this person for your well-being and his. Sometimes the kinder way is the harder way.

Regarding him reminding you of your mom, all I can say is that you aren’t a child anymore. Make your choices. Figure your life out for your sake.

I hope the other posters will have more enriching insights.

Regards,
Nina

Hey Laura,

First of all, I want to say you are not alone in feeling alone – we all face this at some point in our life and more so, thanks to the new trend of concentration of jobs in certain locations, global trotter life-styles etc in particular. There was a time I used to feel something was wrong with me because I didnt have that many friends – I was introverted, selective and rather suspicious to be honest. Over time though, after several experiences away from home, outside my comfort zone, I have concluded the following:

1) Quality matters over quantity. However, quality takes time – a good relationship is like a plant that needs care and time. Trust is something that takes time. So one needs to be realistic about the connect they will have with new people – As Midnight says, go with an open mind and less expectations on intimacy, more on basic courtesies. Best friends take time, hell even years actually.

2) What we are wired to seek are two things – company and the feeling of deep connection. What most people struggle with when they move to a new place alone is they no longer have that usual circle with whom they can do things with. The activities are missed and they feel bored – boredom causes more negative thinking to happen and judgments about oneself. The feeling of deep connection is something you already have with your sister and two friends – a connection that stands time and distance – whenever you get sad, remind yourself of that. There are some people out there who are truly alone, bitter and hopeless – you aren’t in that state thankfully.

3) Fill your days with activities and interests – learn to enjoy your company and that of others without excess expectations on them. Its good you know what type of people you want in your life – dont settle for shitty behavior.

And in the end, if you still feel alone, know you are not alone – what really matters is how connected you feel to yourself and to others, how satisfied you are with your life.

Of course, the most practical advice i can give you is to move back and be closer to loved ones or forge new friendships over time – 1 year is a very short time bdw, relationships take time and lighter, frequent interactions initially.

I hope you find a way in this new city.

Do post here sometime, would love to hear from you.

Regards,
Nina

Dear Xenopus,

A thought for the day:

“To overcome the anxieties and depressions of contemporary life, Individuals must become independent of the social environment to the degree that they no longer respond exclusively in terms of its rewards and punishments. To achieve such autonomy, a person has to learn to provide rewards to herself. She has to develop the ability to find enjoyment and purpose regardless of external circumstances.”

Use your critical abilities to find “ways” towards happiness within rather than a critique of your ever move and that of others all the time. The balance point is missing right now – it’s too much about work and serious things – when was the last time you really relaxed and enjoyed yourself?

Regards,
Nina

Dear Midnight,

I dont have much to say except watch this video once and reflect on it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G371JiLJ7A

My thoughts on relationships and love:

1) A leap of faith to a huge extent. Sometimes we need to let go of judging every detail, of trying to control the situation by understanding everything – it means getting comfortable with not having that perfect explanation for imperfect people and situations.
2) No story is perfect, you aren’t perfect or broken – neither is he.
3) We only have a limited amount of time left on this planet and more so with the ones we love
4) Imagine he is gone and you will never talk to him again or see him, hug him again…10 years from now, would you regret losing your husband because of these doubts?

Regards,
Ninaa

Give it time, cry all you want when you need to and the best way though would be to get totally immersed in something else – like a trip with friends, an event to manage which will keep u super busy – isolating yourself completely isn’t a good idea though during this time. Write down your feelings regularly when you need to and then shut the book, go outside for that walk, go meet that friend for shopping…eventually, the pain becomes bearable and things become easier.

Mahia,

This tendency to stay in contact so frequently after breakup is very normal for guys especially. You both had daily connection but truth be said, being friends isn’t that simple. The feelings are still there and one needs to learn how to move on from it. Staying so much in touch with him will not help any of you – I know you feel bad but trust me, it’s for his own good that you do stay friends but keep limited communication for a while after the breakup. He is a grown up and needs to tap into other sources for support – going to you repeatedly right now will mean he will never be able to move on with his life.

Be kinder by taking the harder way.

I was forced to do the same with my ex…time heals but first that space is needed.

Regards
Nina