Forum Replies Created
Hi anita. It’s nice to see you. Thank you
Mmm, I suppose I meant that dreamy comment more generally. I know most are finding life very difficult right now during the pandemic, and it’s been a huge upheaval for many. Have you been coping ok?
Some updates. Have been living in my own place for a little over a year now. Enjoying the peace and quiet. Generally it’s okay, unless I’m struggling with mental health, and then I find it more difficult to look after myself. I started going to a gym group twice a week, currently cancelled. I was about to look into volunteering again in March, but covid.
Something shameful I may aswell put bluntly.. I’m having an affair with a married man. To quote him,”he is using me for sex.” He’s made it very clear he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t see it as being an affair as it’s just sex. I like him very much, and I know I should stop, it’s against my morals, and isn’t good for my wellbeing. Never thought I’d be capable of it but here I am.
I didn’t end up going this week due to other things. Will see how this week goes.
I shall ask.
Can I keep talking here? I appreciate talking here.
I’m not sure what I’m missing. I think they were my excuses. I couldn’t focus on myself very well because I would be focused on my parents, and now all that’s left is to focus on me. Which is a good thing, and on good days I relish the opportunity, but on bad days it feels like a struggle.
I think today is a bad day. I’ve been ruminating over ex bf. I’ve got the group tomorrow and had a panic attack thinking about it, and then it frustrated me that I’m not able to discuss this with my support team there which is what they’re there for. And then I get angry at him and myself (mostly myself) for being in this situation in the first place. I just want to move on but I’m not sure how to.
On a different observation – have I done the first thing I mentioned today? Not feeling okay in myself, so start distracting or thinking about someone else.
I guess the fact that it’s what I was used to was comforting, changes are often unsettling aren’t they.
In hindsight what I said didn’t make sense. I’m still looking at screens to distract myself, or to keep myself busy, but now it’s just to keep myself busy because I feel like I have more free time and I’m not sure how to spend it
That sounds like a peaceful morning. 🙂
Thank you anita. Yes – I put up the curtains my aunt lent me for now.
I’m not sure how I have more free time. I think it’s because I’m not at home and my brain isn’t thinking about what my family is doing. I would spend a lot of time on the computer or generally looking at screens. I think it was as a distraction, but now I’m alone I don’t feel the need to distract myself so much.
I feel generally disinterested in everything right now and hope this will pass.
Moved out yesterday. It’s very strange! I suddenly have a lot of free time and feel somewhat empty.
I expected this, but still, very odd!
How have you been?
My aunt has lent me some old curtains so hopefully good to go now. 🙂
I couldn’t ask him of those things. His job is very important to him. I just need to deal with it; it is my problem and not his, and I don’t want to cause any futher trouble.
I’m disheartened. This weekend hasn’t gone as well as I hoped; I made a mix up with some curtains in the bedroom so don’t have any now. I feel a bit too self conscious to move in without curtains. I can’t tell if that’s logical or silly. And now I can’t tell what colour or size to buy. Making decisions is so hard, I will go over things for hours and hours and think I’ve made a decision but then someone will say something and then I doubt it and start all over again. Not sure what to do now.
To your questions –
I don’t go out much in the evening at the moment, but it was my plan to as my confidence builds (which it will with moving). I hoped to go to a local climbing group, something that would be social/fitness related, or to take an evening class, money permitting. At the coffee shop they do various meetings now and again for discussion or sharing food and things, and it would be nice to go to those and get to know the staff better.
Even if I didn’t move, my dad doesn’t mind giving me a lift sometimes, so I was going to ask if he could pick me up once a week from something. I wouldn’t want to ask if I’m not living with him as it feels quite cheeky.
The therapy group is each Thursday. I went this week, the weeks prior I missed a couple, but before that was attending regularly.
The volunteering was during the day on a Friday. I used to go most Fridays, but haven’t been much since Christmas as I’ve felt anxious going back. I went back one week and had a panic attack so left early. I went and spoke to the staff a couple of weeks ago about starting it up again once I’ve moved and they were very encouraging about it. They’re super lovely.
Thank you for talking with me.
It’s gone a little worse today. Packing things – I don’t have a lot to pack really, but I’m finding it unexpectedly stressful. I’m feeling really detached from everything and I’m not quite sure why.
& Also no. I will still be able to get the bus there. I feel a bit more isolated though because my original plan was to move to the city center where I would be around people and be able to do things in the evening, like a class or group, but that won’t be an option now because I can’t drive and there isn’t late public transport.
anita – It will not be in the way. 🙂 I am excited about moving, and nervous, but it’s good nerves mostly. If anything it may become more of a problem after, when I am away from family, and have more space in my head to think about other things. I’m worried as I’m moving to a more isolated location, but I guess I will take all of this when it comes.
& There isn’t an alternative as far as I’m aware. 🙁
I’m similar to you in that I don’t have much self-esteem, and fear rejection. Something I found helpful was.. firstly opening myself up to the possibility that I am worth as much as anyone else. No little than anyone else, and no more. I always felt like I was worth less than others, and then realised I am equal. That was a big step forward, and it applies to you too! You are just as equal as anyone else on the planet. 🙂
After that, reading positive affirmations, coming on websites like this, reading a lot of self-help things. Recognising when I put myself down and then actively questioning it and trying to rephrase it has been a huge help. It’s taking a long time – a few years ago, nearly all of my automatic thoughts in my head put myself down. My first reaction to things would be “I can’t do this,” “I am not good enough for this,” “I am ugly,” etc. Now, I still get those thoughts, but instead they’re more like.. “I can’t do this. Wait. Maybe I can. That’s just my brain putting me down.” If that makes sense.
Recognising what the criticising things are and challenging whether they’re true or not. Sometimes it still feels like the criticisms are true, but repetition is slowly rewiring those thoughts to be more positive. I am slowly feeling more confident and love myself more than I did a few years ago that’s for sure!
I’ve done this mostly without exposing myself to others, as it’s more internal work and re-teaching my brain to think in new ways. I have improved a lot, but I don’t think I can fix the fear of rejection without exposing myself to others more. But there’s still improvements that can be made without other people’s input, if that makes sense.
I don’t know if any of this will apply to you or not. Sorry for rambling!
I didn’t mention, and should have, I don’t know why I didn’t
Someone reported us being seen together, there was an investigation where he was off work for 3-4 months, and we both lied about it
He would lose his job if I told anyone as we already lied, I suspect I’d lose my position there aswell actually
I’m such an idiot
I’m glad you’re well. Thank you, for always replying here. I know I’m not the only one who is very grateful for it! ♥
I might just ramble, if that’s okay, I’ve not really spoken about it to anyone and it would be nice to do so.
I started volunteering last year at a cafe which both of us love, with his encouragement. The staff are amazing; it’s such a positive and passionate atmosphere about things I value. I really enjoy being there, even just washing the dishes. But it’s become harder to go there since we’ve broken up. If he is there I don’t go in there, and vice versa. I feel like it’s more ‘his place’, and they are ‘his friends’, and I have hurt him by breaking up with him so people won’t like me. A very paranoid part of me worries he is turning everyone against me, which I know isn’t true. The few times I’ve gone in there they are lovely to me, and I know realistically none of this even occurs to them. I spoke recently to them about starting up my volunteering again and they were very welcoming.
But it has become this fear I don’t know what to do about. He said he was jealous of me having other friends, and had a worry that people like others more than they like him. He was kind and I don’t think would do any of this, but it’s an intrusive thought I can’t control.
Maybe part of it is that this is all new for me? He was my first adult relationship. I’ve not broken up with anyone, I miss him terribly, and of course it’s going to be awkward after for both of us.
I’m just a bit frustrated at myself, I don’t want this to get in the way of volunteering or my treatment, but I am letting it do so