Thank you for listening and all the support you have provided me. Hopefully, I will be able to get past all of this and learn to love myself.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“what do you mean “wrong again”?….Is this some kind of quiz and you enjoy pointing out that I didn’t know the answer?” Please don’t misunderstand, I said “wrong again” in reference to the times that you have gotten the details mixed up/misunderstood.

“You said earlier that “Christians and Muslims are in the minority here“. I thought you were talking about the Caribbean country you live in, where there is a majority of Hindu population, and those 3 countries I mentioned above came up as a possibility. But no, apparently you were for some reason talking about India, even though we were discussing various ethnic communities in the Caribbeans. And then, when I didn’t guess which country you live in – because you weren’t even talking about it, but about India – you tell me “wrong again”. Really?” No, you misunderstand. AGAIN. I was talking about a community that is WITHIN a Caribbean country. If you go back to the context, you will notice that I said the phrase “Christians and Muslims are in the minority here” under the response where you were asking about the sins done by the Caribbean community versus my community. I thought it was quite obvious that the phrase applied to the community I live in, not the country I live in. It was only AFTER that, I proceeded to explain the corruption in my country of origin, which is India. I was talking about the ethnic communities in the Caribbean, but you misunderstood that I was referring to India, as shown by your statement “But no, apparently you were for some reason talking about India, even though we were discussing various ethnic communities in the Caribbeans.”. Ethnic communities in the Caribbean is EXACTLY what I was referring to. YOU misunderstood and assumed that I was talking about India when I said that “Christians and Muslims are in the minority here“. I did make a reference to India, but it was AFTER I explained the situation regarding the community here, and I thought I made that clear when I said “Even the government back home….“.

Let me make it very clear for you. You asked me, “You are talking about a country in the Caribbeans, with the majority Indian population, right?” No, I was talking about a COMMUNITY with the MAJORITY Indian population, not COUNTRY. But that Community is PART of a Caribbean country, which is the Bahamas. I corrected you in my response by describing the Indian community, and how the financial corruption takes place in this community. But you misunderstood because you were quick to be offended when I said you were wrong and didn’t understand the part where I was RE-EXPLAINING how Hindus were involved in corruption in my COMMUNITY. I was re-explaining the corruption to make it clear for you that I was referring to the community and not the country.

“That too was misleading because I couldn’t understand how come you are so far away from your parents – where are those “thousands of miles” of distance in the Caribbeans? Well, now it’s clear that there are not…” Yes that was a mistake on my part because I never looked up the actual distance. But that doesn’t change the fact that even if I was in a country thousands of miles away from them, I would still be monitored by them daily. Like even if I was all the way in Australia, they would still find a way to maintain their control because “I don’t know any better”.

“And are you a strong man? If so, then why do you complain about being immature, lacking intelligence, skills, performing poorly left and right, failing exams, not having friends, or being used by so-called friends etc etc?” Firstly, I am not a strong man yet, but I am in the process of becoming strong, by healing past all of this. That is the whole point of the phrase “hard times create strong men”. Strong men form when they grow past their trauma and heal. Secondly, I am not complaining. I was just listing out the reasons for why I am so bothered because I thought you would understand. I was just adding more detail to why I feel this way so that you could understand me better. I didn’t know that my own words were going to be used against me like that. If I were complaining, I would constantly be trying to get other people’s pity instead of being silent and enduring through all of this like I am doing right now.

“You complain that you are unable to survive in the society with all of your weaknesses, and yet, your are a strong man?” I never called myself a strong man, I said that my hardships WILL make me a strong man. But that requires me to move past the trauma and heal first. And I was not complaining, I am just acknowledging my disabilities and I was trying to explain to you why my parents’ words hit me hard.

“But how when you complain that you can’t differentiate between veins and arteries” Do you not get it? I am obviously working on those issues. I just haven’t gotten past those things yet. I am just going into second year of med. I still have several years ahead of me. I told you those things because they are things that currently act as “evidence” that supports my parents’ beliefs about me. I told you those issues so you could understand why it is so hard for me to move on from what my parents said, not for you to use those things against me. I am just worried rn cause it is crucial that I get past those issues.

Again, I am NOT complaining. I am just explaining the reasons why it is hard for me to not worry when I have disabilities like the things I listed that can have a huge impact on my future if I don’t get past it.

Also I am not trying to disrespect you in any regard, so try not to misunderstand my intentions.

Paradoxy

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Tee,</p>
“Okay, so perhaps it can be said that the Caribbean community is more prone to sins of sexual nature (lust, adultery), while your community more to sins of financial nature: greed. And creating division among people (“turning people against each other”), which to me would be like sowing seeds of division and conflict, rather than love, mutual respect and understanding.” Yes that is 95% accurate, but of course there are exceptions in every case. Also keep in mind that these conflicts are also tied with religion, not just race, as most of the corrupt activities are conducted by Hindus. There are some corrupt Christians and Muslims too but the number is considerably small compared to Hindus, but also remember that Christians and Muslims are in the minority here. Even the government back home is so corrupt that they fuel this religious disparity to manipulate the Hindus into voting for the corrupt government so that they can be reinstated to continue more corrupt activities, and almost all of these activities are based on greed/financial gain. You will barely find any corrupt activities of the sexual nature among us, which is one of the reasons why my country has one of the lowest divorce rates.

“You believe you are not good enough because your parents believe you are not good enough.” I believe it is a cycle, where my parents’ insult decreased my confidence, and the lack of confidence caused me to screw up my communication skills and actual work skills, and the lack of those skills provided a reason for my parents to insult me, and so the cycle continues.

I am in the process of breaking out of this cycle, which is why I am trying to make sure my parents are not involved in my life. But no matter how hard I try, they find a way to wriggle back into my life and take control of my activities using their parental authority.

“But you keep pitying yourself, defending your parents and staying stuck.” I am not defending my parents exactly, I am just acknowledging the truth in their criticism. Even though I am the way I am cause of them, what am I supposed to do when I try to speak confidently but my peers shut me down and treat me like an idiot? I even heard one of my group members say that I was useless. Obviously that would affect my confidence too. How can I change the fact that academically, I am not where I should be despite trying so hard? That affects my confidence too. How can I stop people from abusing my kindness? It hurts when people take advantage of me you know.

What about the fact that I lack basic skills like cooking? I have been trying to learn it for the last 3 years and I still can’t get it right. I can’t even cut an onion properly. Do you know how embarrassing it was for me when I completely butchered an omelet when my dad was sick and I had to make him breakfast cause my mom was working? The only reason why I survived this long is cause I am mainly cooking for myself and not for others. But what about the fact that I can’t even tell whether I used too much seasoning on the food based on the taste? And academically, I can’t even tell the difference between different parts of the specimen. I can’t even identify the difference between the veins and arteries. I know the theoretical part, but I can’t get the practical side at all. Imagine how stupid I feel having to sit in those labs while everyone else is answering the questions but I can’t. I even tried attending extra classes and even had a private session with the specimen and myself. When my parents see all these things about me, they would view me as someone worse than a donkey.

I told u already, my scores were considerably higher than my guy friend’s scores in high school, but in med school, his scores are higher. He only failed one exam while I failed three. What the hell do I tell my parents when they ask me how in the world did I fail more than him? And obviously, that hurt my confidence too. And as a result of facing this evidence, it created doubt in me and caused me to get “stuck” in this “mental loop”.

“The end result of our every discussion (i.e. the message you want to convey) is that you are bad, they are good. And there is nothing that can convince you of the opposite.” No, that is the message you understood, that is not the message I am trying to convey. I am simply listing out all the facts, and I do not want to create a biased argument, so I tried explaining my side AND their side so you could understand both sides of the situation. It would just be wrong for me to blindly say my parents are abusers without properly explaining their side of things. Hope you can understand.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“In this latest post you are claiming that your father is trying to give you real love (my father is trying to give real love), when everything you’ve described here, over more than 3 months, is suggesting that he was and is severely abusing you and controlling you.” Everything he has been doing is abusive and controlling, but I can see that he is still trying to do the right thing. He may be handling things wrong, but his goal is to help me, for my benefit. I still have to acknowledge that. Just like the girl he made me talk to. I can tell that she is trying to communicate how she is feeling but she keeps changing her mind cause she regrets opening up so she is bad at communicating, but I have to acknowledge that she still tried. It is like a serial killer who murders people, but his targets are child molestors and other criminals, so technically, killing people is wrong, but he is also getting rid of criminals and saving potential victims so should we approve what he is doing or call him out for doing the killing? It is like that hacker guy who wanted to take down the whole porn industry but he realized that porn also decreases the amount of rape so he targetted child pornography websites instead. Technically, hacking websites and destroying them is wrong, but I still consider him a legend because his ultimate goal is justifiable.

“And you are repeating your parents’ toxic words, identifying with them, loathing yourself for not being able to please those “loving” parents.” I go over all the conversations with my “friends” and my parents and others multiple times and I feel like I could have handled situations better than I did, and it makes me feel like maybe I am the problem after all. These persons have all driven me to anger because they don’t understand that I care for them. The Hurricane is headed for Jamaica and my parents made the last minute decision to make me come back home as part of the evacuation group. I had to deal with a whole legal mess cause of it and I feel like I was better off if I stayed. But even now, I feel like I should have stayed behind, stayed to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane. I expressed that feeling to my mother and she didn’t understand a thing about how I felt. I know that none of my “friends” can be trusted and I know that they will never care for me, but that doesn’t change who I am. I would still care for their safety and their well being because that is my nature, that is just who I am. I get very irritated when they need help and I can’t do anything. But my mother doesn’t understand that. She started lecturing me about how I should be grateful that she managed to get me out of Jamaica before the Hurricane hit. THAT IS NOT THE POINT BRUH. I am grateful for them protecting me that doesn’t change how I feel. That doesn’t change the fact that I still wanted to protect those I cared for. I am not being ungrateful. It is just my nature to be caring.

“You said your father is trying to give you real love. Has he given you any of the above” In his own way, he shows some of the attributes. He cares enough to ask about my issues, but once I tell him my issues he just treats it like I am just being an idiot. He has forgiven me for the times I failed him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he still views me like a fool. Cause he doesn’t get it. Just like how my mother doesn’t understand that I am not being ungrateful, I just naturally care for people, especially those close to me (even though I know they will only take advantage of my caring). It is one of the reasons why I chose med.

“Your parents are united in totally controlling you? Is that what you’re saying?” Yes basically, but because their goal is for me to have a “good future” but the definition of a good future is based on them instead of me. They think they know best cause they are older, more experienced, and they view me as immature.

“Meaning that even though you tried to portray B as better than she is, your parents stuck to their prejudice and gave their quick judgment that she is a whore. Nice. Which also means that no matter how good and hard working a person may be, if she is of the wrong skin color – forget about it, they’re not buying it. Which btw means that B was right when she called your parents racist.” Well it is not just based on skin color, because they will do the same prejudice against Indians as well if they were brought up in this certain life style. They had the same opinion with the song girl, who happens to be an Indian that grew up in Trinidad/Jamaica. They haven’t categorized her as a whore but they do accept the possibility that she COULD HAVE slept around and that I should stay away from her romantically cause her lifestyle would be different from the lifestyle my parents prefer. Besides, like I told u before, they are only familiar with the people around them, and they rarely find any Caribbean person who has not done immoral things. Most of the people they know have slept around or are involved in some kind of immoral drama, so they naturally develop a stereotype for them and attribute their behavior as part of that person’s culture.

“Okay, so he is harsh and lacking empathy with everyone. And people understood he cannot be reasoned with, because he is so stubborn, so they stopped even trying. You think it’s because he is right about things, but it’s more likely that they don’t want to argue with someone who is so stubborn and refuses to understand a different point of view.” No wrong again. He lacks empathy for me, he doesn’t lack empathy for the others (the adults mainly). And he is just not stubborn for no reason. He is stubborn cause he is right. For example, there was a time when a guy’s son was killed in a car accident and the family was grieving. Sometime later, the community here was hosting a party and the community board decided to do a tribute to the man’s dead son and my dad pointed out how stupid and disrespectful it is cause the man and his family is in the middle of their grieving and they want to give a tribute to the dead son and use it as part of their hidden politics? Cause you have to understand that this community doesn’t even know the kid, what kind of tribute are they even going to do? The last time they did a tribute it was a whole mess cause of who pointless and stupidly done it was. The man and his family would still be suffering from their loss and they want to remind them again of the loss of their child in the middle of a party and ruin the mood? Another example is that another guy falsely accused my mother of revealing his secrets but my father was able to figure out the accusation was based on manipulation and false information cause my mother never did anything that she was accused of. My dad traced back to the root of the accusation and asked the people involved and proved to the guy that he was making assumptions based on misunderstandings caused by his own wife, and made him apologize for his false accusations. Another time, my dad used to be the treasurer of the community and he was responsible for handling the money affairs as well as another guy and both of them were accused of stealing community money but he was able to prove to them that the person who was actually taking the money from the treasury was a third guy, who just so happened to be the one who started the accusation in the first place. My father stepped down as the treasurer cause he doesn’t want to get involved in the community politics after that incident. Basically nobody challenges my father because he knows what is right and what is wrong and will not participate in any corrupt activities or get himself involved in the politics of manipulation like the other men. That is why he was chosen to be the treasurer and others trust him enough to leave their business and etc in his hands cause they know he can be trusted and won’t do anything illogical or wrong. There is a reason why people call on him whenever something goes wrong. If he was stubborn in the way u assumed him to be, no one would want to deal with him but instead everyone calls on him whenever they need help, especially for emergencies. They could have called on anyone else especially since the community is very large, but out of all the people they could have relied on, they chose my dad. If people viewed him as someone who is stubborn and refuses to see a different point of view, no one would ask for his help cause they wouldn’t want to deal with his stubborn self.

I am the way I am cause of my father, both the good and the bad. My father is the one who taught me to be caring and loving, even though I never got it from him. If it weren’t for him, I would just be some immoral idiot like my “friends” but instead I am known for my honesty and care, and even taken advantage of cause of that nature. These idiots know that no matter how many times they hurt me, it won’t change the fact that I still care. That is my stupid weakness. B knows that no matter how much she hurts me, I would still worry about her safety and etc. Not cause I have feelings for her, but because I care for her as an individual. That is why she was insulting me all day yesterday while I was dealing with the whole hurricane mess but she knows that her insults won’t stop me from checking up on her safety. My guy friend knows that I would still come to his aid whenever he needs me whether he is sick or needs money or food etc. That is why my so-called “friend group” relies on me as the guy who comes with the clutch. I am the one who got them food and drinks on the nights that they didn’t have food and they still owe me money bruh and they have promised to return it. I know they are probably taking advantage of me but that doesn’t change my nature to still care for them. I keep a record of what they owe me but I help them without expecting anything in return. I definitely know that they won’t help me if I were to be starving but that won’t change who I am.

“The first person who needs to do that – accept you for your flaws and awkwardness – is yourself. So that entire paragraph of self-loathing that I quoted above (starting with “I am just an embarrassment to my parents“) would need to go. If you want to find true love.” I have accepted my flaws, but society won’t. Cause society still requires a certain level of maturity, which I still lack. That is why I hate my flaws because these flaws prevent me from being seen as a reliable guy by those who don’t know me. That is why I always get picked last for group projects and stuff. That is why those who don’t know me view me as useless. And I hate that.

My parents made me join an evacuation group to return to their country but there were some legal issues regarding it cause I am not technically part of their country cause the stupid government is still processing my application for several years now. If I could have chosen my own decisions, I would have stayed behind to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane and to be there for those who need me, but unfortunately that is no longer in my control cause of my parents. Yes I am glad they got me out of danger but that won’t stop me from being worried for those still in Jamaica. Besides I have to deal with my parents’ control anyway and it is harder to endure them when I am in their house than when I am in my dorm room.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“According to them, you should be grateful they didn’t leave you to starve, after choosing to have you. How kind and loving of them indeed.” Yea lol they told me that years ago when I told the neighbor about how I was treated and they suggested that I call social security.

“I remember you talking about their “love”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t love, but they’ve brainwashed you to believe it was.” Keep in mind that this is just how I feel treated, not that they actually said it to brainwash me. This love is similar to the love my parents have for each other. They constantly fight and never have any intimate moments or anything, but they know their roles as husband and wife and parent and so they choose to work things out for the sake of the greater good. My father and I are same on the fact that we never forget the times when we were hurt, especially by those close to us, and that is exactly what he feels toward my mother cause she has humiliated him multiple times and my mother doesn’t like apologizing so she never will. But technically speaking they still spiritually love each other. But this kind of life is not what I aspire for which is why I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger who is also doing what their parents told them to. I want a real bond, not a spiritual bond or a bond of responsibilities or a bond for the greater good.

“Yes, I understand. I didn’t even mean that they would expect you to pay them back financially, but by being obedient to them and doing whatever they require you to do.” Yeah that is more accurate. In my father’s words, he said that I should at least consider their opinion when deciding things cause it is the least I can do as a form of respect to them as my parent. In one way, thinking about their opinion does help me make some good choices but it is still a mental prison. They were right about B after all… I don’t want to make another mistake again.

“They’ve intimidated you into obedience by telling you that they want what’s best for you. While severely emotionally abusing  you and clipping your wings in the process.” The closest scenario to depict my situation is that of a balloon filled with helium, always held down by someone and when college came, the length of the balloon thread was extended, but still held down by someone. If that person had chosen to let the balloon fly, the balloon would have soared too high and popped due to the atmospheric pressure and heat. So in a way, having someone to hold me down keeps me from going too far into the wrong side, but it still is a mental prison.

“Well, you can start distancing yourself from their opinion if you realize they were/are toxic people who didn’t know how to raise a healthy child. That they don’t know what true love is. And that they don’t know what’s best for you.” They may be toxic but that doesn’t make them stupid or unwise. Poor parenting doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom. They were still able to shape me into someone good morality-wise even with the suffering. I am still grateful for that. And my father has taught me about certain politics that people incorporate but it doesn’t really apply to my generation but it is still good to know. He also taught me self-observation and psychological analysis to read into the person better. I’m not as good as him in reading people but I am still grateful for the wisdom cause I can still apply it to my life. Besides, they were right about B, so don’t u think I should still consider their opinion cause they could be right again? I forgive them for being poor parents, after all I am their first child (the second one received too much love and became a spoilt brat lol cause they got whatever they wanted lol, just goes to show the difference between too much love and too less love).

“I guess you can only turn to them if there is a financial/logistical/health problem. Any other problem is for them a non-issue. Emotional problem – God forbid. Your father tells you you are stupid for “whining” about some “non-issues”.” Well maybe he has changed from the way he was before but I am not willing to test the waters again.

“Your parents are and have been abusive. It doesn’t matter if they don’t understand how they are abusing you. What matters is that it is affecting you and has shaped your personality and your self-image as well. You have a very negative self-image, due to being raised by the people who are insensitive and lacking empathy.” Like I said, it is not like they received training to be a good parent. I am the first child in the entire family, oldest among all my cousins. Though they cherished me as a baby because I was the first, they don’t know how to cherish a teenager and their issues. Besides, my sister is a prime example of me being grateful for how I was treated, cause I definitely do not want to be a spoiled brat like she is. She gets whatever she wants, doesn’t matter if she failed her exams or anything, refuses to study and she even physically fights with my parents and is completely disobedient. Yeah, I am definitely glad I turned out this way even if it meant suffering more cause I would hate to have become like her. I may be depressed, I may be in pain and I may be suffering a lot, but I cannot deny the fact that all of this treatment shaped me to be a better man than most of my peers morality-wise. My peers may be happier than me and enjoying life and etc, but I am definitely glad I am not doing their foolishness, like smoking weed, drinking alcohol and sleeping with a bunch of woman and etc. In a way, the emotional suffering they put me through has forced me to be the most mature for my age among all my cousins so I am definitely grateful for that as well. The suffering also taught me to care for others more deeply, even though all of them just take advantage of my love and care anyway. The girl that my father made me talk to has completely rejected my friendship, now I have to worry about what I’m going to tell my father. Sigh.

Sometimes I find myself crying silently as I watch others receive the love I wish I received. The song girl’s dad post pictures of his family and they are always so happy or at least appear to be happy. May be that is why I became infatuated with her? Or maybe it is just one of the reasons. Idk anymore. I have come to accept that no one will love me for who I am; to love me for my awkwardness and my cringe and my flaws etc. It will just be taken advantage of or looked at in disgust.

“They’ve intimidated you and manipulated you to into believing that their wishes are your own wishes. That they know what’s best for you, and you don’t.” Technically speaking, they were right about B, so…. they did know what was best for me….

“So my suggestion, or my assumption, is that your father might be narcissistic.” Not sure if I can call him a narcissist but he definitely fits some of the characteristics, especially his stubbornness and refusal to admit when he is wrong and some of the other characteristics u listed. He doesn’t expect perfection but he still has a level of standard that he believes that we should achieve. But does the negatives outweigh the positives of such behavior? He is still one of the respected men at his work and among our communities because they know they can rely on him to get a job done and that he is loyal and won’t do illogical things and etc. He is just poor when handling things that require emotional understanding.

“I understand you are tired – that your soul is tired – after having been raised like that. But things can change, although it won’t be easy. But still, there is a way out…” Whenever I feel broken I tell myself that everything will be okay even though I know I don’t actually believe it. I don’t have any motivation or anything to look towards to. I just feel stranded in an empty void in space, unable to move around. Even my music sounds pathetic to me. I look at the songs up-and-coming artists have published and compare them with the songs I published and wonder what was the point of it all…. maybe my father was right about music too….

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“You rejected when I said that you should take into account your own trauma, not just B’s trauma.” No I didn’t reject that, I have already done that but you have to also recognize that most people are selfish and she is still going to try to undermine me. I am just not sure if I can compare my trauma with hers because even though she put herself in the situation, knowing  the helplessness she might have felt and the feeling of being violated by a stranger tortures me every day. I have nightmares occasionally of her being violated by another man. So imagine how she may have felt when she had to actually go through that experience. That is why I said the primary trauma is still hers. Nobody has genuinely cared for me and I just find it difficult to value my own feelings and emotions, but I still recognize them, which is why I am working on healing. But this new girl that I talk to is so selfish and blind that I find myself going out of my way to deal with her as well like a pig that never learns. I am going out of my way to try to understand how she is feeling while she is ignoring my feelings.

“Yes, that’s what she expected you to do. But frankly, I don’t care what she – who is a narcissist and doesn’t care about anyone else – expected you to do. I am asking what you needed at that moment. What was your need when faced with that trauma.” Everyone expects me to suck it up. And quite frankly I regret opening up to people anyway since history has shown how they respond when I open up. It just makes more sense to just suffer in silence and not tell anyone if this is the consequence I have to endure.

“But if you want to heal, you’ll need to start thinking about your own needs too. You’ll need to start developing empathy for yourself, not just for others.” Yes I know that, but as a human, u need some kind of companion. At least one real friend. I don’t have that. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have NOTHING. All I do is sit in my room and study and do music and talk to myself in order to work on my “healing”.

“However, you say that you still feel obliged to help her.” I don’t feel obliged to her. But imagine knowing that ur carelessness lead to someone being harmed. It doesn’t have to be B specifically. But obviously I will feel very sick if I found out someone got hurt cause of me. And that is related to how I was treated by everyone else, always seeing me as the problem, treating me like a burden and everything.

“She is using you (or rather, exploiting you) to meet her needs. And we are not talking about survival needs, but wanton needs, such as buying her expensive gifts. Or paying for her trading class – which is her investing in her own education. Why should you be responsible for that?” She may be dumb enough to ask for those things but I am not dumb enough to bow to her like that. I am not going to be responsible for that, but if she were to put herself in danger, I don’t want to deal with the guilt of knowing I didn’t do anything to save her ass, especially since I know I could have stopped what happened to her in January if she had told me in the moment. The pain of the helplessness I felt back then still lingers within me.

“If you can reframe that what you are doing for her is not helping her, but fulfilling her whims – perhaps it would help you to say No to some of those whims?” I do say No to her whims, but she doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of No. She is still going to do it and I can either choose to stay at home and stress over her safety or I can go with her and hopefully get some money.

“The real deal would be to realize that you are not your father’s property and that you have the right to some autonomy.” Can u explain how I can go against the idea that my parents paid for everything and took care of my physical needs and etc? Cause until I get a real job with decent money, I will still have to follow my parents’ rules. Like the worker at a company. The worker may not be the company’s property, but they still have to follow company rules unless they choose to change company. So until I can change my financial source, I have to follow my parents’ rules. But even then, nothing can substitute the number of years during which they took care of me, so I still feel some form of obligation to them.

 “To make whom happy? Your father? Or those girls, whom he tells you to talk to? But who think of you as a clown?” I want to make everyone including me happy, but that doesn’t work due to the conflict of interest. So I end up sacrificing my own happiness to preserve others. I go out of my way to try to understand the struggles that other people are going through. But then I get thrown away in the end. Someone has to sacrifice something anyway. Could be a parent sacrificing their dreams for their child, could be a lover sacrificing certain goals to be with their partner. Nobody thinks of me as a clown, but they still treat me like one. Never considering my feelings, how I feel or anything. I go out of my way to empathize with others and then they throw me away like some toy when they feel better. And I label myself as the clown for being dumb enough to fall for it every time because I end up caring for people too much. The girl finally told me that she didn’t want my friendship. I tried so hard. Why do they keep rejecting my friendship? I tried so hard to be a good friend, to be understanding. Now I am too afraid to put effort into making new friends because I know that they might reject me like the others did.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“Yes, I think it can, unless you are a professional musician…” I have studied music for 10 years and have taken the exams up to 6 levels out of 8 with scores in distinction, and my guy friend definitely knows my level of skill regarding music.

I am focusing on mentally blocking her but this peace feels temporary. I feel like she is going to come back and start another fight.

“Some people cannot lie, specially if under psychological pressure.” Hell no, not this dude. This is not the first time he has lied and it is not that hard for him cause he is used to it.

“And what about your trauma?” The primary trauma is still hers since she is the one who got taken advantage of. So people would only see that, they won’t see my pain and suffering.

“What were you supposed to do? Suffer in silence?” Yes, that is what she expected me to do.

“What symptoms would that be, if I may ask?” Symptoms include not wanting to socialize, yet they still want to be with others. Tends to be withdrawn and isolated most of the time. Tends to be Intrusive and they also have clumsy socialization skills. Feelings are expressed through art and music rather than speech. Lack of bonding with parents, difficulty making and maintaining friends. Prefer to stick to a certain routine/pattern every day. Prefers a life of predictability and always finds themselves trying to predict the future in order to prepare themselves for possible outcomes mentally. Children of engineers and medics tend to have a high chance of being asper (Coincidence cause my dad is an engineer and mom is a nurse). Aspers start studying and observing people and their behavior at a young age as a means of coping to the inability to socialize and respond to emotions. Associated features include high anxiety and unusual profile of learning abilities regarding reading, mathematics, drawing and singing (My piano skills can substitute singing and I recently drew a portrait of the music girl and it actually came out better than I expected since it was my first time doing art).  Diagnosis of adults can be identified through underachieving in employment and relationships and depression caused by rejection from peers, belief that they are a defect (belief that developed as a result of having no friends to contradict it), and another feature is that their self-esteem is based on the criticism of peers, especially with the absence of compliments. Most of it describes me one way or the other, but I don’t want to self-diagnose myself and get the wrong answer.

“Okay, so you’re writing down what bothers you about certain people? And sometimes you express it (after curating it and making it more polite/non-confrontational, I guess?), and sometimes you don’t express it?” Yes that is what I do now.

” A good way to look at anger is that it is a signal. It shows us that our boundaries are being violated, that we are being violated. It shows us that we need to change something in our relationship with the person – so not to be violated any more.” Lol do u think B or my parents care about boundaries??? LOL

“So you transform your anger into an action to protect yourself, i.e. into setting boundaries.” Pretty sure she will find a way to make a fool out of me. I just have to be prepared.

“If he is forcing you to talk to this girl, you can say that right now you need to focus on your studies and you don’t have time for this girl, specially since she is moody and doesn’t know what she wants and you don’t have time or patience for that.” My father will find some way to intervene, maybe even talking to the girl himself and unintentionally make me look like an idiot in front of the girl.

“So you can use his macho style of “I am a busy man, I don’t have time for stupid emotions” to trick him to let you off the hook.” Lol like that will work against him. He would just say that it is important to have friends  and I should learn to balance my studies and etc and that I should still try to maintain friendship with her.

” You can tell a white lie about your changed schedule or something, which allows you to talk to him only 3 times a week, and for a shorter period of time.” They know my schedule too well. That won’t work. Besides they know people here and they could find out if I am lying or not.

“You can say that now, at the 3rd year of college, there is so much practical work and you are spending a lot of time at the clinic, or any kind of white lie that will avert him from insisting on those daily calls.” I am going into 2nd year now, and they know that classes usually end by 5-6 pm. So they will demand that I talk when I get home.

“When you consider that a proven and repeated liar is telling the truth this time, that’s when you end up being a fool who forgives her again and again. While she gets a free pass to keep hurting you again and again.” Yes, but you know the story of the boy who cried wolf. Obviously, he lied and he deserved what he got, but in the end u have to acknowledge that he lost his life and his parents had to endure the loss too. If the parents had listened to him even though they knew he could be lying, maybe he wouldn’t have lost his life. In the same way, B may be narcissistic and a liar and etc, but if I ignore her when she actually needs my help and something happens, I have to live with that in my conscience.

“Is he considering her as your potential future wife? Is that why he is insisting on this friendship? And if so, what are your thoughts on that? On marrying her?” Yeah he is definitely cooking up some foolishness. He might be just trying to get me to make a friend and allow the friendship to grow into marriage material naturally. But I honestly don’t think this will work like that. She doesn’t even want to talk to me. In fact, she texts me cause “it’s the right thing to do” and not cause she wants to. Wth? I don’t want her pity or forced friendship. I genuinely cared about her issues, but she is pretending to care about mine? In fact she never even asks about my issues anyway. She just sent a random text once in a while and then go blank for the rest of the day. She is mother/wife material, but she is definitely not friend material if you know what I mean. She knows how to take care of her responsibilities as a mother and a wife, but doesn’t know what it means to be a friend, or at least she is not even trying to be a friend with me. I don’t want someone who is only marrying me cause her parents told her to. I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to open up to me nor care about how I feel. I want to have a good friendship with my wife, to be able to tell her anything, to share in burdens together. She definitely doesn’t seem that type as of rn. But things could change over the years, after all, we are still technically teenagers. She could become a mature woman in the next 5 years. But I would really prefer not having to wear clown makeup.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“Nobody was saying that… I was referring to the song that was inspired by one of the girls in your university class.” Yes I know that. I am saying how could people assume that I was interested in her just cause she inspired the melody for a song?

“The phrase you’ve been using so far was that your friend told B that you were interested in the girl who inspired you to write a song” He said that I was ROMANTICALLY interested in the girl, which is why B assumed I was cheating on her.

“So even if you told him that your being intrigued by her is not of a romantic kind, he still might have not believed you. Because let’s be frank: being intrigued by a girl, who caught your attention, and writing a song for her – definitely means interest of some kind.” Lol that is why I said it won’t make sense cause I made a song for a 10 year old as well but that doesn’t make me a pedophile.

“So your friend wasn’t lying to B after all.” So making false assumptions doesn’t go along with lying? Would it be correct if I said that he should have kept his false assumptions to himself instead of telling B?

“So will you own up to the fact that you expressed interest in that girl, or at least that writing a song for her and telling your friend that you were intrigued by her – could be interpreted as interest?” I didn’t know that could be interpreted as ROMANTIC interest, ESPECIALLY after SPECIFICALLY stating that I was not romantically interested in the girl.

I know the guy is in the gray area rn, which is why I am forgiving him for his foolishness but I am not going to trust him again. Surprisingly, he messaged me today to “check up on me” for the first time in months. And I have a very sneaky suspicion that B might be using him to get to me, but that is just an assumption so I won’t think about it too deeply.

“He told her the truth, or what is close to truth: that you are interested or could be interested in that girl in the present time, in June of 2024, 3 months after the breakup with B. He didn’t tell her that you have been interested in her for months prior, or that you have been emotionally cheating on B.” No, he told B near the end of April, even before I realized any real interest developing for her. That is why it is stupid, because he came to this false assumption and shared it with B even before I started actively thinking about the girl. And I can’t even tell if it was his false assumption that indirectly made me start thinking about her anyway.

What is even more stupid is that I told the guy about another girl who intrigued me cause she is ALWAYS SMILING when she talks. So I just found it weird that she is able to smile so often despite how stressful med is and I shared that with him, but how come he didn’t assume I was romantically interested in her? And I pointed that out to B as well and now she is getting everything mixed up cause there is another girl who shares the same name as the girl who always smile and this girl happened to be an Indian while the smiling girl is Caribbean but B now assumes that I never loved her because she thinks that it was the Indian girl who intrigued me when it was actually the other girl who always smiled. This is some bs. Anyway, I managed to clarify all the confusion but I don’t think B believes me but we don’t talk anymore anyway so it doesn’t matter. B’s overthinking really is annoying.

““Accuse is the wrong term here” – Well, telling you that you are wrong for doing something you’ve done – is accusing.”  Well accuse just seemed like a harsh term considering he made the comment like it was a suggestion.

“You were not telling everybody about B’s prostitution, but you only told him, whom was your best friend, and whom you used to confide in. So it’s not fair to say that you were telling it to everybody.” Yea, but he still thinks it’s wrong for me to have told him. And now I feel guilty cause it feels like I disrespected B by telling him.

“So he is repeating her narrative: that prostitution wasn’t her fault (“cause its not her fault”) and that you should have just accepted it and moved on. And kept pretending as if nothing happened, and kept having sex per usual.” Yea basically that is what he is saying.

“Well, he is not keeping it professional with you, because he is talking about your relationship with B and even telling you what you should and shouldn’t have done. He is definitely not professional, but is talking about private stuff. More precisely, the stuff that you confided in him about back then, and that now he is claiming you’ve never should have done (parroting B’s opinion).” Yeah but that conversation only happened once and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

“In fact, he should have never said to B that he knows she prostituted herself. That was a breach of your trust, because you never told him it’s okay to give away such confidential information, have you?” He said that he thought it would be okay since we had already broken up. He seems to have cracked under the pressure B was putting on him when she was hammering him with a lot of questions. Besides, it is kinda hypocritical for me to blame him cause B told me to keep the issue between us but I told the guy cause of the emotional stress I was under, so expecting him to keep it from B was not to be expected anyway. I breached the confidence that B and I had, so do I really have the right to criticize the guy for breaching the confidence between him and I?

“I don’t think he did it on purpose back then, when you broke up. I guess he wanted to be “mean” and put her in her place (because he didn’t like her back then). But it wasn’t a nice thing to do, and yes, it was a breech of trust on his part.” Nah he was definitely not trying to be mean, he just cracked under pressure when B asked him a thousand times about whether I told him what really happened.

“This would be the goal of your healing: individuation, finally giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. It is a huge goal, but you are young. Nevertheless, the sooner you start working on it, the better…” Yes I am working on that, but I have also realized that in order to make friends, I am the one who is forced to adapt to them. In fact I am the most malleable person I know, able to shift the way I think and process to accommodate others, but they are unable to do it for me. So are you saying that I should stop trying to make friends and just stick to myself and my healing? Cause even if I heal, I would end up chipping a part of me whenever I try to make a friend.

I am aware of my feelings and I am aware of my issues, which I am working on. But the main concern is that nobody else cares about how I feel. Nobody else cares about whether I am lonely, whether I feel disrespected or hurt or etc. That just seems unfair to me cause I am trying my best to understand others. Always trying to make sure that nobody is left behind. Often checking on others to make sure they are ok. But what about me? I am healing, but it just becomes ridiculous when I end up chipping myself every time I try to help others.

Paradoxy