Thank you Anita.

Anita, my music skills are starting to lose value and I lack the time to work on a song besides, my parents would not allow me to. As a 10th grade student, I have a lot of work to do for my exams. But I like your suggestion, but instead of making a song, I listen to songs… songs that take away my hope. I prefer it more for some reason. Don’t ask me why.

Peter, I appreciate your advice and you are right. However, what I want, is to get rid of this feeling of love. It ruined my friendship with the girl. But amazingly, she was ok and she understood. So we continued our friendship. The fact that she understood made me love her even more! And it is annoying. I wish to stop loving. If I love again, I feel like more like an idiot and a fool.

Thank you for answering, Melinda.

I made this thread quite a while ago and no one had answered so I had actually given up on this thread. Unfortunately, things have changed from the day I created this thread.

Firstly, I got rejected by the girl. It so happened that my friend had told her that I liked her and she was worried. But I never told her. Eventually, I couldn’t keep this up and I decided to tell her that I liked someone else and that I needed her advice. It was a scheme to figure out what she was going to say if I confessed my love for her. Turns out, her answer would have been a no if I confessed. So I didn’t tell her who I liked or that I liked her. But she asked me if the girl I liked was her and I had to lie so our friendship would not be awkward; I told her that it was not her. At this, she became very happy and I was heartbroken. (This was how I managed to confirm my theory that she would have rejected me if I asked her.) But she kept pestering me to tell her who it was. But I refused to tell her, for the sake of our friendship. Then she said that she hated me. I was depressed to hear this so I confessed to her yesterday. I also told her that I knew what her answer was. And I couldn’t help but sense an aura from her that she wanted me to leave. I was even more depressed than before, after seeing that she was not happy. Today, she told me she wanted to talk to me. She told me, “I am flattered that you like me, but I have never imagined you more than a friend.” I understood her and told her she didn’t need to tell me that since I already knew. But deep inside I was very heartbroken and it took nearly all my strength to stop my tears. (Don’t judge me; I know that it is stupid to cry just cause a girl rejected me but I’ve never been cared for by another person before, including my parents and my sister. However, I never stopped loving my family and helping people. And I only wanted someone to like me as I like them too.)

Anyway, she also told me to promise her that I wouldn’t be suicidal… It so happened that after my first rejection by the Egyptian girl, I built stuff to cope with the misery and loneliness and sadness I felt. And one of the things I built was a pressurized energy vessel. To put it in simpler terms: a bomb. It was a container that kept heated particles created from the massive pressure used to compress the particles in the form of energy. There was a miscalculation in the build-up of energy; it created too much energy and it blew up and the shrapnel pierced my arm. I had to go to school with a bandaged arm for a couple of months and there was a rumor that I tried to commit suicide due to my rejection, which I was not initially made aware of. So I was told to not be suicidal.

Now to answer your suggestions, I am a part of various clubs at my school and I am bad at making friends. I always hang out by myself alone and I don’t have anything to do other than study. And yes I have composed a couple of songs before on the piano but I never publicized them. I have only played it for my music teacher who recorded it on his music software but it was left incomplete. Due to the lack of software, I was left to make song remixes which I posted on Youtube. But now I do not have the time to work on songs now that I am in grade 10. I also listen to music when I study or I find free time. The music actually controls my emotions. If I listen to my favorite inspirational music, I would end up being very confident and energetic and do some of the stupidest but brave things such as creating the website for the Egyptian girl. Other times I would listen to my favorite sad music that makes me cry and reflects my mood of depression and loneliness.

I also feel that you are right about the fact that people who do not communicate with me regularly is a waste of time and energy. But its not like there are others who actually have the guts to communicate with me regularly either. Not only that, the girl I like, is not the type you can take on dates. What I mean is that she would instantly say that she doesn’t like me if I asked her out. Asking her out on a date will be similar to confessing my love to her. Besides she would have said that she didn’t want to go on a date with me. She is always busy with school work or hanging out with her own friends. She is also part of the school play so she spends most of her time practicing. Anyway, I understand the point you are trying to make.

Also, I realized that accepting my emotions have caused more problems than solutions. By accepting my love for the girl made our friendship awkward. But what is worse is that due to the emotion of love, I lost my only friend and now I am all alone and I am getting this weird feeling of negative energy which I’ve grown to like. But I am slowly dying due to this energy but I feel that it is better to be dead and peaceful than to be alive and suffering. And I know you think I am wrong. But I am devastated from the turn of events.

Lastly, I know that this website is not made for medical or psychiatric treatment but I’ve read stories and I’ve noticed that the suggestions made by others are very useful.

I apologize that my reply is so long.

And thanks again Melinda.

P.S. People actually tend to hate me more after telling them my story….

I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident). You see, with this attitude I’m never going to make friends so I need help figuring out another way I could keep this personality hidden or change it so others are not creeped out and I need help to make friends. Like I said, my cooperation skills have flopped and I’m always alone when the class is doing pair or group work. I end up doing everything myself since no one wants to work with me. And everyday, I am finding it harder to understand emotions but I can understand numbers better than emotions!

Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me. Sometimes you just have to suffer through it. I live in The Bahamas but I don’t think there is any point in finding government agencies that can help me since I am not willing to complain about my parents. Besides….. this might be wrong to think but… I like the “Dark Energy” that I get when I get insulted by others. And even if I called social services, there is no doubt I will regret it later.

Thank you for answering back. My parents have told me that I was a burden to them and that I bring shame to the family. Like I told you, I am known to be good at bombs and I built a small one and blew it by accident before I was ready for releasing it. The result was that my arm had a couple of small shrapnel pierced through it. The event made me an embarrassment to my parents. They have called me things in my main language which I cannot translate.  Their insults made me so upset that sometimes I felt as if death was the only solution and they would only understand my value once I die. But for some reason, I kept forgiving and forgetting but I’ve grown to stay in solitude, away from society… And I spent so much time in solitude everywhere that I started to like being alone than being with others. In fact, my cooperation skills flopped.