Hi Lily Margarette,

I think you might be jumping to conclusions in assuming your husband’s friend is rude. For example, I often don’t cite anyone’s spouse or partner in a card or in a text or anything unless I actually have made a personal connection with him/her.  I don’t consider couples to be a singular entity. Perhaps your husband’s friend thinks the same way–you even refer to him as your husband’s friend, not “our” friend.

Perhaps try making more of a connection with him, if you want to be thought of by him. Otherwise, let it go. Who really cares?

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Dear Karma,

I don’t know why I wrote “Dear Muskan”–forgive me!

Please don’t think of yourself as ‘wrong’ for being with him. We’ve all been through relationships like these. They’re good experiences to have because they’re so painful, and pain forces us to look inside ourselves and give ourselves the love and understanding we deserve. So try and focus on loving yourself. Give yourself respect. You deserve it.

What I mean by all of this is that in order to get the person you deserve, you have to BE the person you deserve.  Try and do a couple of things each day that make you feel taken care of and just plain happy.

I think it’s time to focus on you.

Sending you good energy 🙂

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Hi Annie,

I understand exactly how you feel. My mother is the same way. It’s time to enforce your boundaries. Your job is to take care of YOU. No one else is going to do that for you, not even your parents. Especially not your parents. Some parents believe they are entitled to their children’s time, and it’s up to you to make sure they experience that that is simply not the case.

Just say NO, or some form of that. “Unfortunately I cannot help you.” is enough. Don’t explain. Just be very businesslike about it. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but after awhile they’ll get it.

It’s called tough love for a reason.

Good luck!

Pink 🙂

Hi Doremi,

Some of the most important lessons we have to learn in life cost us. A lot.

I know it’s hard, but try to look past the loss of money. Again, I know it’s tough, but, you’ll make the money back. You have a good paying job–that’s a blessing!

I think it might be helpful to look deeper, so that you don’t let this kind of thing happen again. You might want to ask yourself how you let this happen. It doesn’t seem like anyone forced you. You chose these men and agreed to give them your money. You did make a choice here. I know that’s hard to hear too, but that’s how we learn to be better!

So what about these men made you trust them? More importantly, how do you evaluate someone’s character? If someone is rich, does that mean they are good? If someone uses flowery language, do you automatically believe them?  Do you have to ask more questions of someone, make someone gain your trust before you invest your time or money in them?  (I think the answer here is YES 🙂 )

These are all really important issues to evaluate, especially since you are looking for a partner. Something in you must have known these guys were full of it – human beings have good instincts. Maybe you just didn’t listen to yourself? I don’t know, only you can answer that. But honestly though, there is a bright side here:  money comes and goes, you can always make it back. But time is far more valuable than money. So at least you didn’t marry one of them, you know? That would be much, much worse.

Take good care of yourself,

Pink 🙂

Hi Namaste,

I understand how you feel. I have had similar issues with my mother. Although I am not Indian, I am of Middle Eastern descent and have grown up with the expectation  I am to take care of my parents as I get older, or at least that they will be a big part of my life;  I feel like that may be the case in your culture too.  Needless to say, I understand the pressure you may feel to keep contact.  I  can say from experience though that it doesn’t get much better, even with boundaries.

For a long time I would often enforce boundaries with my mother like  “don’t speak to me that way.” or “That is unacceptable.”  But that just got exhausting, as it isn’t in my nature to have my guard up with a parent – I felt like I was chastising a child!  And honestly, although the boundaries did work and my mother behaved herself for stretches of time, she would ultimately go back to her old ways, especially if my guard wasn’t up and I just myself. Having a difficult parent makes it hard to be yourself!

After ten years of boundaries, I ultimately went no contact.  The disappointment of not having a present parent there, at least for me, was much to take, even if we only spoke once a month. For you, maybe no contact isn’t an option. You may have to consider not emotionally participating in conversations, not initiating contact, then ultimately not having your mother be a big part of your life.  And most importantly, DON’T FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED.  That’s the biggest obstacle.

Just focus on becoming the mother you want to be. Have the relationship with your daughter you wish you’d had with your mother. In my experience, as long as you take care of you and your family, the rest will fall into place. Again, don’t feel guilty. Your job is to take care of YOU.

Good luck, girl. Sending you  positive energy:)

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Hi Anamika,

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. You know, one of the greatest tenets of America is the freedom to live however you wish. You can start over.

I understand that within your culture, an action such as separation or divorce might be frowned upon, to say the least. If that is the case, I encourage you to put that to the side. Make a decision about your marriage.  Life is short. You’re only 35!  But, the longer you wait to make a decision about how you want to live your life, the harder it will be. Especially now that you have a child.

I know making tough decisions is hard, but if you want to be happy, you really have to give yourself an honest chance.

Good luck.

Sending you good vibes 🙂

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Hi Janet,

Your post hit home for me. I totally remember feeling that exact same way in my early twenties, like, I was behind everyone else or something. It got to the point where I felt like I’d expired and no one would would ever  like me ever. It’s not easy to have these feelings in quarantine when you can do nothing about it.

So, my idea for you is to plan to do something about it the MOMENT we get out of this covid mess. Because we will be back in the world eventually, and I think for you, maybe your thinking needs to change. I mean, come on. Some of the most unattractive people are happily in love. I don’t say that to sound snarky, but just to say that finding someone isn’t just about looks.

First, once we get out of covid,  I think you need to get new friends. I realize this may be easier said than done. But, you are who you associate with.  And if among your friends you’re the one who will be single forever, or the most unattractive, or whatever negative thoughts your friends have about you–FIND NEW FRIENDS. You sound like a put-together, educated, confident woman.   So why not get friends that see you as that, and not as the future cat lady.

Secondly, do you drink or smoke pot?  NOT to lure you into vices, but…. are you also into going to bars or clubs, or anywhere where you could hang out with cute boys with your new friends?  One of the great things about being in an altered state–even mildly–is that our inhibitions and the stories  we tell ourselves (and they are just that – STORIES, not truth)  sort of fade out. And we become someone totally different. And that’s kind of nice. Even just for one night. So why not make a plan to go out one night to make out with a cute boy?  Just for practice. Unless you want your first kiss to be special. (I kind of abandoned the that and just wanted to get it over with)

Thirdly, buy a new outfit. Something that accentuates the best parts of your figure–everyone has them.  Buy something those snobby girls you’re friends with would wear, but that you wouldn’t because “it’s just not you”.  I think you need to change your perception of yourself. You need to feel cute. Because once you feel cute, boys will think you ARE cute. Sadly, they’re really not complicated 🙂

I know being alone, when we’re all alone in quarantine can just be a lot. But don’t worry about it. And don’t overthink things. Like I said, MAKE A PLAN!  And just know that nothing is wrong with you. Nothing at all.  Everyone has stuff they’re dealing with, just like you. They’re just hiding it.

When I was your age, in an effort to catch up to “everyone”, I started an office relationship with a guy who looked like the Hamburglar. Again, not to be snarky, BUT, I totally got myself into a situation I shouldn’t have been in, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Cheers to a brighter life, girl, post covid!

Sending you happy vibes 🙂

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Hey girl,

Yikes. Your partner likes that you cook supper and clean the house? That’s how she values you? She makes you sound like a hired hand.

Honestly, I feel like it’s an issue of respect–respecting herself, respecting you as a lover and partner, and also you respecting your time. Do you enjoy contributing to a relationship but maybe not getting what you need out of it? I don’t know girl, I mean, life is so short. Sometimes we can get so comfortable with someone–and it sounds like both of you are maybe a little TOO comfortable with one another–that we forget why we love them in the first place, or maybe fail to see that we don’t love them anymore. That we’re just….comfortable.

Have the conversation for sure. In my experience there’s no perfect WAY to say anything, only intention. So what do you intend to achieve out of this conversation? What do you want out of this relationship? Maybe renegotiate the terms, if she’s open to that. At any rate, you’re totally right–it’s time for a convo for sure, I would say about five years time. And no, you don’t need to explain why poop-stained underwear is a no-go. I mean, no…just no.

Good luck girl!

Pink 🙂