Peter:

Why do we always fixate on the negative? From a scientific standpoint, our ancestors could live longer if they were able to identify past threats manifesting in the present moment. For example knowing that the stir of leaves in the woods could potentially be a predator and not just the wind and we alert ourselves to defend our life. As you are well aware, we no longer live in those times. Humans can live in relative comfort from the environment’s dangers, however, our senses and memories still consider threats. These warning signals are our ego trying to save itself because back then, our ego was literally our lives. If you didn’t save it, it was all over, lights out. Our brains continue to function in this way, perceiving insignificant threats now instead of legitimate dangers to life. Anything that damages the ego is remembered as to attempt to avoid possible danger to it in the future. Except now, we are also self-aware and it leads us to judge ourselves for doing this and further hurt ourselves.

Yes I have seen “Inside Out” (a brilliant movie btw) and it applies directly to this. Trying to feel happy all the time and avoiding the negative only makes it harder to remove negativity from your life. “Resistance makes stronger” as I have heard.

As promised, I have been working on listening to these dark thoughts, and releasing them rather than simply ignoring their presence. I cannot give definitive results as it has only been a day, but I can feel more energy and innovation. I’m slightly more motivated on average. Only now I have a pain in my chest (from anxiety). So it seems there was a trade off. Anxiety means I am scared of something, always has been. Could it be I’m afraid of what I might become? Or perhaps it’s unnerving letting myself be free to do things I have been holding back in which case I have not made progress at all.

Anita:

Your suggestions go on the basis that there was no prior experience to derive a comparison between evaluations. This is not true. Earlier in childhood, the belief was deeply ingrained that I was worth a great deal and my performance in school and home was desirable. Indeed it was, I got As, my younger siblings were trouble makers in the house so I was the good kid. So I had what I was told by my parents as well as what reality had actually shown me that I was worth it. Then suddenly I hear this thing and I cannot remember any other praise I ever received from this person. It was all overwritten in my mind.

I started having thoughts like “Is this true? Was I just lucky? Was it all a lie?” and then my grades suffered and it became reality. So I believe it, and now when I tell myself otherwise, it falls apart.

I don’t know what the problem is. It is definitely one of 2 things:

1) I actually am stupid and worthless and I accept this and move on with mediocre existence. OR

2) I am not worthless and realize this dark part of my mind was conceived when I was a child and that life will only get better when I embrace this part of myself.

The difficult part is understanding which persona was created that day. Am I actually dumb and created a mindset that denies my stupidity and worthlessness? OR am I actually intelligent and a dark shadow was created to drag me down?

Sorry for my ramble! Please understand. Thank you for reading.

To Peter:

I appreciate your thoughtful reply. Your post has brought my attention to the lack of attention I consciously bring to my dark thoughts. As with everyone else, dark thoughts occur. However, being in this state of self-inflicted suffering, I am attempting to avoid these dark thoughts rather than give them a time of day. The dualistic idea of right and wrong, light and dark have a heavy influence on me as of right now and the result is the need to be in the light, because that’s where I subconsciously think everyone else is. What I fail to bring my attention to is that everyone else also fears their darkness and not all have come to terms with it, just as I struggle with and I should really bring more attention to that fact: I am not alone in how I feel.

And you are right, my inner darkness is desperately clawing for my attention. Always. And it knows that it can get my attention by putting me down and holding me back. There’s something I’m missing in my life and he is trying to tell me. I intend to check out the books you have listed from the library and give them a read. I want to know what I can do to give the proper attention to that half of myself.

To Anita:

You said: “…that very inner critic is the mental representative of real people in your formative years..” and that struck me profoundly. It made me realize that this critic of mine is not a set of memories and people that playover in my head to torture me, but rather an identity, comprised of the various situations which framed my dark emotions that would, in a healthy adult, aid in everyday situations. Such as breaking a leg because you ran too fast down the stairs now serves as a lesson to take your time on the stairs. Rather, my dark identity was made by childhood heroes telling me I will never be good enough. Even when I graduated college, it felt insignificant because all those years ago, I was told I would never be smart enough. While I consciously am proud of my achievement, I still unconsciously believe that dark voice within me.

Thank both of you for your responses. I will bring more attention to this area of my life.

Dear Anita,

True that. Hearing everything you’re saying and agree. Perhaps just acknowledging that he is an issue and my feelings toward that puts me in a step toward the right direction. And yet even typing this I feel anxious about it. So some part of me wants to feel that love but I can put my focus elsewhere until I can see that I turned out fine considering everything.

Thanks, Anita. Been a pleasure speaking with you on this.

Dear Anita,

I want to feel compassion for him because I can’t understand why he did what he did. But I’m absolutely certain that it hurt him too, this whole process. I can’t imagine letting down my kid time and time again and then not feel even a little bit remorseful. It doesn’t seem humanly possible and dodging attempts to talk about it and pretending it isn’t an issue just proves it more.

So I want and am ready to forgive him, but he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, so again, I’m left hanging. But cutting him out doesn’t make anything better, so what do? I’m banking too much of my mental health on this one thing, but I can’t let it go for no reason.

Thanks Anita,

I do intend to seek counseling, I’m currently saving up to attend sessions. Money is a big factor but I am working on it. That’s the reason why it isn’t done yet.

My emotional guard is the need to protect my already fragile emotions by simply detaching emotion from everything. It was originally to prevent myself from being hurt by bullies, but now it affects my ability to feel joy and compassion for others.

The person is my father. He promised he wouldn’t leave and then he did. He also promised never to make me feel inferior, and yet he did. He is just full of broken promises. I was outwardly mad at him for a while, but that tapered off and now it’s just a deep feeling of emptiness. Because he left when he promised not to, it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and now I’m emotional scarred for it. I’ve talked to him about it and he repeatedly denies responsibility, placing the blame on my mother. That’s the most frustrating part of this whole thing, yet I can’t just let this go. It’s like he needs to say he screwed up in order for me to feel any better about it, which is really lame on my part. That emotional guard is preventing me from feeling compassion for the pain he feels in leaving his kid.

We talk, not regularly. We keep missing calls and never getting back to it. Texts occasionally. He came to my wedding and expressed interest in having a relationship, however, I could feel he wanted to avoid addressing the real issue.