Also do you have any advice for sleep? I’m still only getting 3hours a night. I’m going to cut out caffeine altogether. I’ve been using melatonin, chamomile, and Valerian root in a tea every night but still only manage to get 3 solid hours. Last week I was like this and then managed to sleep 8hrs after 5 days of 3hrs. This is driving me crazy, especially because it’s not like I have anything to do with all these waking hours except be tortured by my  thoughts.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Hey jarred,

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. That being said I would advise you to ask your mom if you can see a psychotherapist. Also you may want to create your own thread on this forum as this one has kind of become a personal thread at this point.

I hope you understand using weed before your brain has fully developed has unknown effects on its growth. If your having these thoughts of suicide that means you are in great pain, and the thoughts are an attempt to regulate the pain, to gain control over what seems to be a life that is out of your control.

Weed helped you regulate the pain, but there are better ways than drugs. All drugs do is push down (depress) what needs to be felt and understood by us. You need to feel this pain, and you will grow into a strong man because of it.

Please get help immediately, there is hope for you as there is for me without drugs.

Anita

I went out with some friends from school friday night and brought some of my friends along, although i rarely go out drinking maybe once a year, i actually enjoyed the company of some of my classmates. I definitely drank too much and paid for it with a hangover and fatigue, probably because i was in a anxious state to begin with since stopping smoking, and have barely been sleeping at all. Nonetheless i discovered through that night and my other group class that i am not alone in struggling with stress from school, depression, and feeling inadequate. This was eye opening to me as I feel isolated and lonely more often than not. After getting home at 5am i woke up at 730 took a cab back to my car and drove an hour back to my hometown to use my dads garage to work on my car.

At one point me and my dad talked about what happened last weekend when my parents came over unannounced, and for a change my dad said something different than i expected. in regards to the blunt way i talked to them last weekend he replied “well son it needed to be said, and i hate that it took me this long to realize that i need to change and work on myself. That it took this many mistakes.” i was shocked to hear this. Also during this same weekend i went to visit my grandmother with my mom and discovered my grandmother had tried to kill herself once, my own mother didnt even know this. I learned that my great grandmother (who also raised my mother) was apparently very uncomfortable with difficult emotions and taught both my mom and grandmother that the family needed to always look well put together even if it wasn’t. it clicked with me that this is where the sugar coating of problems began.

I talked with my mom briefly before i went to sleep, i could tell she was sad the entire time i was home but i knew i couldn’t let myself try to take care of her in any way, and i didn’t to protect myself. It wasn’t easy either, it took alot strength for me not to say “mom are you okay?” but i didn’t. When we talked she acknowledged and agreed that i shouldn’t have and never should have to worry about my parents feelings, and she acknowledged the effect this had on me. I told her to her face i never felt the love as a child, if i did i wouldn’t have tried to kill myself. She agreed. Again i was shocked, and while i know that i either way i can’t be worried about how my parents are feeling, I can say that i am grateful that they finally understand why i need distance. Although, i was already in a good mood and knew better than to care if they approved of my decision or not, it meant a lot to me that they are supporting me now, and sped up the process of lifting off some of the shame i carry. Again this eradication of shame was happening in me either way, but i cant sit here and pretend like having their approval didn’t help any. And i’m also relieved that my mom is going away for a while to get intensive help, for the sake of my sisters well being if nothing else. At this point all of my family members are in therapy. Something i am grateful for not because it means i will receive love i missed out on, but if nothing else to have healthier human beings on this planet in general.

Aside from those interactions with family, i continue to be more open with friends and find it being reciprocated and it feels damn good. With that being said i’m afraid of losing what i have been building and have a fatalistic anxiety feeling as if my confidence and feelings of self worth cant last too much longer before i fall back into the way of being like you’ve quoted above. Im still not sleeping well and 3hrs a night is just about what i’ve been getting and it’s taking a lot of mindfulness to get through these 14hour days of work and class.

I still feel a bit worthless though. im just trying not to let those feelings run my life at the moment. But i can’t lie i get jealous of my friend who i introduced to my classmates(all women) and they wont shut up about how good looking he is. I think well nobody feels that way about me. I also feel inadequate when his friend pulls out his phone and shows me a list of all the women he’s slept with which is probably 10 times as many as mine. The rational part of me knows he’s probably got a problem with himself if he feels the need to pursue women as such driving across the state sometimes just for sex. But theres a part of me that is very jealous of guys like that, that seem wanted, as i still dont feel desired or wanted. Though the thought crossed my mind when were out drunkenly dancing  how easy it would be to convince someone to come home with me, then even in my drunkness i thought to myself “you already tried casual sex and it didnt give you what you needed”.

Anita

I would be thrilled to know what you’ve learning about me! I find it absolutely amazing how perceptive you are through only reading people’s words, without affect or body language to guide you. I hope to be as attentive to detail as you are when it comes to listening to people.

Speaking of past posts, I think I will always remember something you wrote about my dating life that was something like wait for a woman who is curious about me. I really started paying attention not just on dates but with people in my life in general. I have since discovered many people in my life are not curious about me, I even noticed this with my mom we would see each other once or twice a month and upon first contact the topic of how I was doing wouldn’t come up until she talked so long about herself that she was able to wonder about me. If I notice this phenomenon on a first date, it’s the last date. It’s not that I don’t want to give people a chance but I think that curiosity is a way to care for someone. It’s like saying I want to understand you and be close to you.

Not the most recent woman I was with, but the one before I was with for a few months I began to notice she could care less about my life, and i remember thinking back to your advice and feeling that something was wrong with the relationship. That wasn’t the only thing I ignored about her either, kind of indicative of where I was then.

Since I stopped smoking weed monday I’ve been noticing my depressed thoughts and feelings are surfacing. This happens every time I quit smoking, I’m forced to listen to my body and mind again and shut off autopilot. That’s why it’s 2am and I’m typing this. Although I feel less anxious than the first couple days of sobriety, I find I can’t sleep. I got 2hrs last night and I’ll get at most 4hrs tonight. It’s really hard for me to relax and my mind wanders back to the Times when I was held and how comforting that was. If only I were somehow able to hold (accept? love?) myself I think my anxieties about life would lessen even more as I feel more secure, and I can sleep again. I remember I got great sleep the first couple years of my relationship with my first gf even though we didn’t live together or sleep together every night, there was something comforting about knowing and feeling attached to someone that made sleeping so easy. No pills just love.

Anita

I’m realizing I can hurt indefinitely by the way I am coping (weed, dissociation, withdrawal, & other self harming) and it is not working for me. I don’t know how to ask others for help, nor am i used to it, i always help others and do everything else by myself. Since im not good at connecting with people I believe the only way i can have the needed experience is to create it within myself similar to what you described above.

I do take issue with myself in respect to this lovability issue because i know many people would be sad if i died, but that doesen’t mean those people are connected with me right now, not because they don’t want to it’s just a matter of me having moved away from home for necessary reasons. I also did a therapy group a couple years ago before i started grad school for about 4-5 months and i felt very accepted and loved by that group, i felt so loved during and after that experience that i started a social group with over 200 members, applied to grad school, and asked a woman out i had been scared to. I was definitely running on all cylinders and felt like i could do anything. However, that feeling wore off a few months after the group was over, and i had to dissolve my group because of school.

I think back to that experience often, because it showed me how i could connect with almost anyone. For some reason for the past year or so i haven’t been able to draw on the lovability i felt then to convince me of my current lovability. I feel guilty about this because i feel like im complaining about a problem that doesn’t actually exist and i’m somehow lying about feeling unlovable. But i actually do feel unlovable. Again because of that experience i intellectually know i am lovable, but i can no longer think back to that time and feel it like i used to. I think of that experience as a rare opportunity. I have since tried to find any groups like it , and have been unsuccessful, i think its a terrible phenomenon that there are not support groups for people who are just going through hard times in my area. It’s like i have to be on drugs or chronically mentally ill to get any kind of social support.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

I’ve never taken money from them as an adult and I dont really depend on them financially until recently needing a loaner car from my dad while I get my other car running, and being on their car insurance because it’s cheaper but I still pay. So I kind of depend on my dad to help me with transportation since he has a really nice garage I help build. But that’s it. I don’t have to see them if I don’t want to and I live in another city so it wouldn’t be hard.

My mom and dad are divorced, my sister has her own house, and my mom lives with her. My dad lives alone in the house I grew up in.

My supervisor triggered something in me that reminded me of my parents as I was cursing at him i had a flashback to talking to my parents this weekend, the anger felt the same.

I don’t intend on contacting them at all. I’m worried about my future right now. I don’t know if I’m up for doing counseling as a career anymore because I’m too unstable and dont have a much support. Unfortunately I’m 50k in debt and lack very little to finish my degree, so I don’t think it would be in my best interest to quit now. But im very unmotivated to keep going through my life in this pain right now.

I thought my focus to help others and bring good friends into my life was my way of attending the neglected boy who litterally wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of school. I grew up mostly isolated and ever since I broke up with my first gf a few years ago I have been focused on making and keeping good friends, hopefully so I won’t feel as lonely. Although I’m still lonely. This is becoming more and more frustrating. I don’t see how I’m supposed to be happy in isolation. I already tried intentionally not dating for a year and focusing on myself, I’ve tried being a loner, I’ve tried being socially active, I’ve tried everything including being selfish and focusing exclusively on myself. It always seems like I can’t do enough for me to be well. I’m so stuck right now and it’s becoming so painful to leave my house everyday. I’m getting worried i dont know what I might do.

I just don’t think I can feel well all alone without friends or a girlfriend. I have no real sense of belonging or safety right now. I’m getting worn out trying to help myself, I’m trying to be kind and attend to my inner child but don’t know how. I’m really hopeless right now I wish I could just be held sometimes so I can know I’m lovable that usually makes me feel better at least temporarily. I need to figure out a purpose quick so I can continue to try, honestly I don’t see the point right now.

Anita

I’m not in a financial position to cut contact with either one of my parents at the current moment. To complicate things more my mom lives with my sister who Is like a best friend to me. However I do understand your suggestion to cut all contact, as the thought of it makes me feel guilty in itself. Cutting contact with my mom would mean cutting off the majority of all my family, which I just can’t do because their one of the protective factors keeping me from suicide. I don’t want you to think I don’t understand why you suggested this, and I would encourage someone else in my position to do the same if it were possible.

After yesterday though I’m still struggling with even wanting to keep trying with any of this. I just don’t see the point anymore. I’m seriously beginning to think I’m too far gone to heal, and I don’t care enough about myself to try anymore. My suicidal thoughts are getting bad again, to the point where if I’m alone at all Its all I can think of. I get tired of trying so hard all the time just to end up alone and the end of the day. I’m very grateful for your help but it seems like youve done your best to help me and I just don’t want to help myself because I’m not doing what you’re asking. I hate myself so much it’s hopeless