Anita

As i write this my parents just left my house (which is an hour away) after coming over unannounced. I let both of them know i was upset about them showing up to my house. They came because they said they wanted to talk about our family history, and that i wouldn’t have agreed to talk if they told me they were coming, for which they are correct. My mom immediately starts talking about how she’s sorry and so forth, and i stopped her as she started crying and explained to her why exactly i havent been contacting her, because of what was happening right in that moment, where she feels guilty and starts crying then i feel guilty/bad. My dad would make excuses saying “we did the best we could” for which i responded “no you didn’t, you could’ve done much better” I was very blunt this morning with my parents, and told both of them i need nothing from them anymore, i told them i accept their apology but it is not going to make me believe im a good person or cure the depression, i told them what will help is me undoing the damage and healing myself, i advised both of them to do the same. I asked what the purpose of thier visit actually was what were they trying to accomplish, for which they responded forgiveness. I told them thats not why they came. because they know i have already forgiven years ago, i told them they were here for themselves to feel better about their own fuck ups.

I didn’t realize how good my parents are at making excuses for themselves, i told them to stop trying to rationalize their past poor decision making because it’s irrelevant and not news to me. I told them i understand the both of them better than they understand themselves and if they want to be good parents to me to leave me alone in my healing, and they should probably do the same for themselves. In alot of ways i was still parenting my parents but i did it so they can see i dont need them to try to undo the past as it has happened, and for them to understand the best thing they can do for me is to heal for themselves. I let them know i was grateful that they were concerned, and grateful for having my basic needs met as a child, but that doesen’t mean i have to be happy about growing up in an abusive household, which is essentially what they are trying to do with their apology, somehow make me happy about living an emotionally neglected childhood.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by noname.

Anita

Thanks and I understand the focus on the relationship with my mother, because as you wrote that relationship has been the one that created my shame, my father only added fuel to the fire, but I never felt guilty or responsible over his well being like I did with my mom.

You may have already addressed this, and I apologize if I’m being redundant but I’m just not understanding how to go about believing myself to be a good person, besides not contacting my mom as you advised. I was reluctant at first to cut contact with my mom because I feel sorry for her, but I see that is exactly the problem. If I don’t call my mom, or am not open with her she starts to blame herself which then makes me feel more guilty and sorry for her, taking my empathy. I think I am getting somewhat better at empathizing with myself. I am motivated by love, and hopefully having self empathy will help me get moving again, but I don’t know if I can reach that place alone, without help, I’m burntout on picking myself up off the ground, as horrible as it sounds sometimes I just want to be rescued.

Anita

I am a leader and have been out of necessity. I am an anomolie within my extended family, and American culture in general. I have never met another black male therapist. I grew up a leader in my household because my parents lacked guidance. I am a leader in classes and at work because I have the confidence to be authentic all the time, where I see others conforming and not questioning the system were working in or what’s being taught in our classes (diagnosing is a great example where I constantly challenge my professors and sulervisors, and others just blindly accept the fact that we are labeling people using an irrelevant political tool that is the DSM5)

I’m hitting a wall right now, I don’t see the point in living a lonely life anymore. Sure I have things to be grateful for like housing and food, but I’m not a dog I need more to be fulfilled. I don’t know what to do to get love from someone else. I’m feeling in desperate need of touch. I just want something to be hopeful about, something to motivate me to get out of bed this morning.

Anita

Thank you for sharing that with me. Again I think on an intellectual level I understand all 4 of the conclusions you wrote for myself. I don’t think It’s possible or necessary in my situation to cut contact with my mother as we barely see each other as is, and she lives with my sister. But i can’t imagine if I expressed that I didn’t and don’t feel cared for that would go over well without her having a meltdown, as I’ve touched on this in the past and it turns into a pity party for her. I know this is a problem for me to figure out though. I don’t really need to talk to my parents about it anymore nor would it do any good because it has become evident to me they are not as emotionally intelligent as I am in the current moment. Maybe they will get there eventually but that’s irrelevant right now.

Back to changing this core belief…i am I interested in the how or the process it took you to change it. I recognize it and just don’t know what to do about it.

On another note…currently this morning and since last night after class I’m feeling quite hopeless. I’m doing a class on groups right now which requires students to lead a group and then be members and observers on the nights we arent leading. I lead the first night on Monday, and I did very well. Many people came up afterwards and the next day and complimented me on my abilities to lead groups. I can agree the group went very well and although it was a class exercise many of my classmates  reported feeling more connected because of it. Since I’ve noticed other group leaders taking my approach to leading which is flattering. My role last night was to be a group member and the icebreaker question was what was something we are looking forward to…and this question has been haunting me ever since last night. I revealed that I actually didn’t have anything to look forward to later in the group. I noticed the look on the girls face next to me looked so sad when I said it. And this is part of the reason I don’t share with people because I dont want to disappoint them which kind of goes back to that core belief that I’m a bad person. But what I took away from yesterday is that I don’t have anything to look forward to right now, and I need hope to keep me going. Right now I look forward to your responses and attention because it’s the only thing that feels like love right now. But even that worries me that I might be using you, or my therapist just for the attention.

Anita

I want to thank you again for leading me back to what i truly know to be at the heart of my issues which is feeling im a bad person. For many reasons i feel worthless, and guilty. I don’t want us to ignore the relationship with my father either he had just as much a role in creating this mess as my mother when he told me as an 8 year old it was my job to take care of her.

Im not understanding what is the “badness” i need to give back. by badness do you mean the things making me feel guilty? Because i’m struggling to pinpoint why exactly i feel guilty within me. I mean i do at times feel some guilt over not being able to help my mom and dad as a child even though i’ve been aware for a number of years now it wasn’t my job. But when i feel guilty now its more a feeling of worthlessness more than anything, like i couldn’t matter to another human being therefore i’m useless and lonely. That is the best description i have of how i feel when im having suicidal thoughts.

I know it may be there but im struggling to see the connection between my feeling of worthlessness and my mothers (& fathers) “badness”(guilt?) if you could simplify this for me i think i might be able to get at whats really been weighing me down. Also what to do about changing that belief?

Im at a point this morning where i have lost all hope. I did not leave the house yesterday, i didnt get out of bed until 5pm and only ate one meal. Im feeling very hopeless and dont really see the point in trying anymore. I dont even know what to try, or what to do to help myself want to keep living.

Anita

Thanks again for paying me attention. While my upbringing was an issue I seriously am not waiting on my parents, I don’t even consider calling them for help. That’s why I’m talking to you and not them. I know I’m not getting shit from them, I’m happy to keep talking about them but I know my thirst for love won’t be fulfilled by them. I have no hope they will ever be able to help me. They can’t help themselves. I hope this is clear.

However I still need help with this empathy for myself I guess, as it seems I’m the only person who wants to love me, but still don’t know how. I’m also beginning to sense you might be tired of responding to me because I’m essentially just complaining at this point that I’m not loved.

With all that being said I still need help, i couldn’t sleep last night, like many night because I still long for someone to be emotionally and physically close to. I started freaking out so I went outside and sat in my car for a while and smoked. I missed my class this morning because I was too tired for one, but also too embarrassed to show up without my presentation completed. I have so many responsibilities right now and I’m very overwhelmed but I can’t slow down I have less than a year to graduate.

It’s hard for me to empathize with myself right now for not completing my work. I wasted my off day yesterday I went to a coffee shop to do work but I continue to be distracted by other people and fantasize about how it my feel to be loved as they appear to be. This happens pretty much any time I’m in public and I get so overwhelmed with emotion I have to leave every time before I have another break down. I’m very afraid right now my feelings are going to keep me from finishing my degree. I’m not sure how I can empathize with myself for mot doing my work.

I feel so worthless, and in a way i feel like i keep posting here hoping you might validate my worth as a person by telling me good things about myself but I know thats my job. I just can’t do it myself.

Like i said earlier in this thread i still talk with my mom and really have nothing but empathy towards her anymore. I don’t go to her or my father for emotional support nor do i expect it. When i do see my mom a couple times a month its usually all about her problems, because she is going through alot right now. She does love me and tries to care for me emotionally, however she or my father dont really know how to truly care for their own emotions, so i don’t really get much out of her attempts except gratitude that she’s willing to try.

Essentially my relationship with my mother and father have always been lacking. I was a little angry about not always being cared for by my parents, but at this point its in the past, and im just trying to move on and i expect nothing from either of them at all. I’m on my own as I’ve always been.

I really don’t know if laboring over my damaged parental relationships is helping me anymore. I mean yes i’m aware my childhood was traumatizing and lacking in many areas, yes i’m aware how this has shaped my personality and continues to be pervasive. however im trying to be a man now and take responsibility for my own healing.

I suppose what im really looking for is what to do about these god awful aches and pains of lonliness. I doubt i will ever be in another romantic relationship the way things are going, so if you have any wisdom on dealing with the undeniable loneliness of life that would be helpful