Eliana

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it is often helpful for me to know I am not the only one struggling with these types of issues, and that healing is possible. In regards to RAD when my therapist first started seeing me that was one of his early tentative diagnosis. Although, I don’t really feel having a name or specific diagnosis is important to what I am going through, obviously something went wrong with my childhood in terms of lack of love. I still just feel so guilty blaming my parents sometimes, because they had their own issues, and I know they did their best, they just weren’t ready to be raising children.

As far as how my early childhood has affected my current relationships (or lack thereof) I find myself getting really emotionally invested in whoever i’m dating, even something as short as a few weeks has the potential to completely floor me because I am so desperate for love, and the hope is what hurts the most. I don’t let my desperation show like I used to, i’m not blowing up peoples phones, or trying to spend everyday with the person. At this point I understand I need to patient and take things slowly if I really want a strong bond with someone. It’s just that right now I need some relief, that’s why I used to smoke so much weed, and cut myself, it was like a hug from the inside out. Of course that is only temporary however, and the problem returns.

I’ve been learning to love myself over the past few years since me and my first Ex broke up, it has been tough but i have stopped cutting, i no longer smoke everyday, I don’t stay in bed all day, i take care of my body, meditate, reach out to people, etc. I’ve gotten really good at putting one foot in front of the other, even this morning I was sobbing while cooking breakfast, and getting ready to go to work, but i’m going to do it, and i’m going to show love today.

Anita

I guess sometimes I just need some attention, I need for someone to be like “damn, your pretty amazing for going through all that and still standing”. To Anita’s earlier point In a way I guess that is what love feels like to me, it feels like support, admiration, or recognition, I’m not sure if that’s correct or not, but that’s what i think love is.

I don’t know what you mean by where it is and where it is not? I know love is within me because i share it as much as possible, love for myself is a little more difficult. I don’t quite know where love isn’t because I believe we all have love within us, just some have a harder time accessing than others. Though, I feel like I have the potential to love even when I’m depressed, does that alone make me worth being loved?

So I have really been having a tough week, just thinking about dating and making attempts makes me very depressed. I have been very angry with myself, something I have a long history with. I have been having at least two severe crying episodes per day usually before going to sleep and trying to get out of bed. The silver lining is that I somehow have managed to drag my ass out of bed and keep my routine (eating, exercise, classes, hygiene etc.) in the past I would probably have stayed in bed all day without eating as long as possible. I know my life has meaning beyond my own happiness, so I use that keep me going when things get tough as I’m prone to suicidal thoughts, and feeling hopeless.

So in the past week the effort I have made in regards to attempted dating so far has been 1.) setting up an online dating profile, then deleting it as of this morning. 2.) thinking about people i would potentially like to get close to then coming up with reasons for why it wouldn’t work.

It took years of work for me to get the point where I am now, I went from having about 2 friends that i could hang with to now having about 5-6. The thing is they are all male and i continue to notice that i a probably come off very impersonal towards women or quiet out of fear.

Knowing my tendency to clam up around women, I am looking to backtrack quite a bit, and kind of put the goal of getting a date on the backburner, similar to what you guys were suggesting. I am asking for help and some potential measurable goals of interacting with women that could help me break out of this habit. When trying to come up with goals by myself I get overwhelmed which leads to self-hate, then depression. I feel very creepy complimenting women on their looks, or giving them any praise whatsoever, as i feel as if i’m somehow being another superficial man. So if anybody has any simple ideas i could try this week please let me know.

Thanks very much J and Anita,

I have been hesitant to post lately, only because I feel my problems aren’t really that bad, and I have been trying to kind of pick myself up lately, as the therapist I have been seeing for the past 2 years is in the process of opening a new practice and I haven’t been able to see him either, even though I was only going once every couple of months at this point anyway.

In regards to J, I agree with you that my spark or motivation is somewhere within me I feel it every now and then, mostly in the company of others, however as i’m quite introverted it is always a struggle for me to be around people for too long. I have been using this break to examine myself, and it has led me to understand how uncomfortable I am being alone, though I have almost reached a state of acceptance as of late, as we are undoubtedly alone in this life.

To Anita, I have talked with my parents about our family dynamic growing up, and they both acknowledged that they may have put too much pressure on me as a child and neglected my emotional health in various ways. I forgave them and I feel they were doing the best they could as they both came from tough backgrounds as well. As an adult my parents have been more concerned about me than when I was younger, and it feels as if i’m finally being nurtured for the first time, I always tell people when they ask about my childhood that i was the adult in the house, in the sense that i took care of everyone’s feelings and acted as a mediator on many occasions, I was very calculated in expressing my emotions which honestly i can barely remember doing. Though while my parents care is better late than never, some of my unhealthy coping strategies are strongly ingrained within me, the most difficult one to shake being social withdrawal or isolation. What makes me feel most alive is being able to be vulnerable with people and having that reciprocated back. However that is very hard to come by for me, the only people I feel safe enough to be completely open with is my mom and sister, but sometimes i do find myself not wanting to open up to my mom because she tends to start to tell me about her problems because my dad wont listen, and i cant take care of her forever. The other people in my life keep things very superficial, and when I try to push conversations deeper up go the walls so to speak.

I suppose I still haven’t made enough progress connecting with myself to the point where I can feel motivated to live vigorously without much social contact. I hate to admit it but I still have trouble with believing that having a romantic relationship will help restore my spark and magically solve all my problems though I know that’s bullshit. As much as I would like to have a relationship with someone I do not feel it would be appropriate if I can’t be happy being with myself. I’m not sure what I need at this point. But thanks for the help and kind words.

Thank you Anita and Jerry, very sound suggestions. I think alot of this feeling goes back to caring for others as a child. I still have 2 years of school left before I actually start practicing therapy and I’m working hard to learn how to give myself what I need before then, I think truly feeling self love is essential before doing this type of work for a living. Thanks again!

Anita -That sounds like a very good practice for me, I would like to wait longer before having sex in my next relationship anyway, as the addict/escapist in me is always looking for opportunities to present itself.

Thanks again for your responses if anyone has any thoughts on feeling deserving of love it would be appreciated. Though I have made a lot of progress in my self esteem and confidence, I had an experience last week that shook me and made me realize I still don’t quite feel worthy of love. One of my clients called me up to thank me for the work I had done for him through my job as a social worker (as it is my last month at said job) and to wish me well in my future. After I got off the phone I shut my office door and wept for a while, I had never experienced anything like that before, and felt as if I didn’t deserve any thanks (or love) for the work i had done, because I don’t do it for the thank you’s or to feel needed. I had a similar experience later that day when I dozed off in class and a class mate asked me if I was doing okay, hows life etc. I always felt as if its my job to care for others and it really threw me off when people who don’t have to, show concern for me. I’m not quite sure why I still don’t feel deserving of love even though I always preach that all people are deserving of love. I guess i’m trying to figure out what function this feeling has.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by noname.

Thank you for your reply Anita. You pointed out a common pattern in my thinking I’ve been trying to improve, which is accepting imperfection in myself and others. I agree that all people are wounded to some degree. From merely existing suffering is inevitable. Even though the last relationship I was in was unhealthy I certainly learned alot about myself and what I’m attracted to, I’m trying to change the pattern of engaging in relationships with people whom I think I can help, which is really a selfish way of me obtaining love and security from others.

Going back and reading my post again with your reflection also helped me realize being “fully healthy” without relationships is doing myself a disservice by not allowing me to explore the feelings that others bring up inside me due to their presence. I do think I need to take a break from romance but platonic relationships don’t always have the same risk/vulnerability involved that romantic ones do to allow for deep self exploration.

Thank you