Anita

I have a somewhat personal question for you. I rarely have the opportunity to openly talk to anyone who has done work on themselves and is older than me. I am doing alright lately, but i’ve been struggling with thoughts about approaching my 30th birthday in April. There are many expectations younger versions of myself had that are probably not going to happen by April. The big ones are…

1. Financial stability-not going to happen I am barely making more money than my expenses. I have no savings, and plenty of student loans. I’m mostly at peace with this one seeing as the American economy is cruel joke on people who work for a living, and I have been working/planning on financial stability and just getting started with a career. I feel like this will be solved in a year or two and I will no longer be cutting corners to live.

2. A job/career i feel good about-This one is also getting worked on I’m going to be cutting back to working as a therapist only 2 days a week because of the stress, and i want to make room in my life for more creative pursuits working with my hands. But, growing up as a “gifted” child put alot of unrealistic expectations on me about how i “should” perform out in the world. I’m learning to accept having an average career as a therapist is okay with me.

I know people don’t mean it this way but even people who love me and care about me frequently talk about my “potential” as if coming from poverty, living with PTSD, and getting a graduate degree with no help wasn’t enough realization of my potential. Don’t get me wrong i see myself as an intelligent multi-talented person but i no longer give a shit about proving this, I feel like my gifts may take longer to manifest into material reality than others, again which is fine. I still struggle with comparison to others in my life which i’m working on.

3.I’d have my life figured out-I thought by thirty my mental health would be alot better. I remember when i was 23 and broke up with my GF and was suicidal i told myself “just give yourself to 30 and see what happens then you can end it if life still sucks” Well 30 is near and my mental health has no doubt improved, I don’t cut anymore, i don’t act on suicidal urges, i haven’t been hospitalized since 23, i am capable of tolerating more pain, I know what to do in crisis situations with myself and others. However, in other ways my mental/emotional health is still not where i want it to be. I still frequently feel worthless and unlovable, i still struggle with depression, I still struggle with impulsive behaviors, and the hardest one i still struggle in relationships….

4.Relationships– This has been on my mind alot, one time you said something to me like if i didn’t have the type of relationship i had with my parents i probably would have been in a secure relationship by now. This stuck with me and the older i get i think your right. I have a disorganized anxious-avoidant attachment style which you are familiar with by now, the thing i want the most i fear most. Every time i have any romantic interest i am painfully reminded of my childhood pain. I get it, don’t live in the past etc. but these patterns have stuck with me and are starting to feel impossible to break. I’m at a point where i feel as if a meaningful relationship with a woman hasn’t happened by now it probably isn’t going to.

The other issue im having around this is being self-compassionate towards the pain i experience with this. Many people in our culture are highly critical of anyone seeking connection with others spewing off some version of “love yourself first…you don’t need anyone else to be happy” and sure i get it, but all ive been doing for the past 7 years is working on myself and without support from others it really hasn’t stuck that well.

It’s hard to feel lovable when the people responsible for teaching you love didn’t do it. Im wondering what the solution to this problem of feeling lovable is going to be? recently i have felt lovable and worthy at times, however when i’m triggered for whatever reason the grief and anger towards my parents return. I thought I had taken care of the grief associated with being neglected, but the more i learn about mental health and myself i realize my wounds are barely healed. I find myself crying for the childhood version of myself that was left alone as a baby while mother was passed out trying to kill herself. Recently i learned this happened multiple times throughout my childhood. I think the depth of the neglect is really starting to sink in with me. And as i work with children i see how delicate these young people are and how well they respond to the smallest amount of my validation and the difference it makes in their mood, it makes me wonder just how much of an impact never having a safe space in my life has had on me.

I know that was alot but what i’d like to know about your experience is

1. do you still grieve over your childhood? is it helpful to empathize with the wounded child in me?

I want to be clear i dont feel sorry for myself i am painfully aware people had it worse than me, but i am wondering if pain associated with my childhood should be ignored or felt

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by noname.

Anita

I am doing well, how are you?

I have been prioritizing my mental health over the past few months. I am about 2 months away from earning my full therapy license which will mean i will finally have a consistent income, so that is a relief. Other than that I have been putting more time and effort into the relationship with myself, mainly through regular meditation, and compassionate self-reflection when journaling. I have been trying shift my attention to things that make me happy, i’m grateful for, and things i’m doing well. I had been away from journaling consistently for a couple years and now recognize why it was so helpful in maintaining a healthy relationship to myself.

I did end up breaking up with the girl i was seeing, but i was proud that i was able to date without having sex immediately for the first time. I was also  proud i honored my authenticity by ending a relationship that wasn’t a good fit. She was very critical of my career decisions, and just decisions in general and had alot of “should’s and shouldnt’s” for me every time we talked so i realized we were not a match in our development.

My current focus has been on living effortlessly meaning maintaining a state of not trying too hard, acceptance of what my current life circumstances are, and remaining present. When my wounded inner child is activated i am living in the past, so i’ve been working on responding to him compassionately while also keeping him at healthy distance, not too far away where i cant hear his cries (weed & alcohol), and not so close that he takes over my functioning (powerlessness, hopelessness).

Thank you for the well wishes Anita.

I’m trying my best to be more mindful this time around. The more I pay attention to what i’m feeling the deeper i’m realizing my wounds are. I experienced an intense anxiety last night when thinking about the possibility that she may not like me back and it made me want to delete her number and cut all contact. Thankfully I didn’t do that instead i reached out to her and said I’m excited to see her again, which is the truth, and she responded well to it.

That anxious feeling though was so intense for me. It started right in the middle of my abdomen just below my heart (solar plexus), and radiated outward through all my limbs and eventually came out through my eyes as tears. It wasn’t sadness, I believe it was fear of losing an attachment. It felt familiar, the same debilitating sensation that lasted for hours when i broke up with my first girlfriend. I’ve never been able to really take a step back and just watch how that sensation moves through my body until last night. I think if i can be slightly detached from that discomfort i can better control my response to it. So many times i have self-sabotaged relationships because of my response to that discomfort.

When I realized that sensation is not new, i began to wonder how far that feeling goes back, and tried to approach it like my inner child and was asking myself “what does he need?” and I the answer was safety. I cried alot after that realizing i have never felt safe in my life. I’ve worked very hard to build my skills so that I will likely be financially safe, but it was heartbreaking realizing i’ve had no relationships where i’ve felt safe.

I’m hoping i can find safety in relationships one day if I’m able to take care of myself well enough to keep trying, and taking risks.

Anita,

You are correct about the anger. I have been on a dating app for 2 weeks. My pattern is to get on it maybe go on a date if i’m lucky and dont get upset before deleting it and giving up, then trying again a couple months later. I didn’t recognize the anger festering under the surface until on tuesday this week i was skating and getting frustrated with not committing to a trick because i was afraid. I got angry, cursed, and tried to break my board.

I realized the anger wasn’t about me not committing to the trick, it was the frustration i feel with failed attempts to date, being afraid to commit to the trick was just another failure that triggered that. The frustration in my mind typically manifests itself in the thought of “what am i doing wrong that i can’t be loved?” then i get resentful because I think of all the things i do that “should” make me lovable. Obviously we are only entitled to our actions and not the outcomes of our actions. Meaning i can control my efforts to date, i can’t control whether anyone will want to date me, or love me.

I’ve been making an effort to be more mindful of my thoughts, body, and emotions. After that outbursts i went and sat in a secluded part of the park and just cried for 10-15min realizing i was sad, tired, and disappointed about the lack of love and support, and all the trauma that made me adopt these behaviors.  I feel heavy right now even just typing this out.

The anger is a secondary emotion, to the emotional fatigue and hopelessness i’m trying to bury in order to keep making an effort dating. I still haven’t deleted the dating app, and i’m telling myself i have to stay with it and make an effort in order to keep developing the part of me that can take care of my trauma responses/inner child

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by noname.

I have felt intense pain this week and was able to work through it and distance my trauma from my identity, and now have hope that my internal relationship can be improved and continue to get better, which can help me build the external relationships I need without sabotaging them. This week was tough but i’m happy how i treated myself.

Anita,

Thank you for compiling all of those random quotes, it really helps to highlight the cyclical nature of my moods.

I have considered medication a few times. The side effects from SSRI’s for me have greatly outweighed the benefits for which i experienced which was none. Medication for mood disorders is not something I have seen work to help people “heal” from their trauma, rather it helps them function in a disconnected world, and may help them “function” enough to do work in therapy. For me this is not the answer for a few reasons.

1) exercise is consistently shown to be as effective if not more effective than anti-depressant medications. I exercise frequently, i get the feel good neurotransmitters on a daily basis, SSRI’s have never had an effect greater than exercise for me personally.

2) Side effects (decreased libido, increased risk of suicide, serotonin syndrome, etc)

3) I’m already self-medicating with cannabis. We could go back and forth for months comparing research studies between cannabis and anti-depressants, i don’t want to.

4.) I’m committed to my philosophy of human connection and ready to accept the suffering. What this means is I have commitment to never killing myself. I have chosen an alternate path to treat my depression that will never involve pharmaceuticals. I want to discover what relief is possible through connection both internal and external, to give hope to the millions of people like me who haven’t found what they are looking for through pharmaceuticals, and hopefully create a model that can be easily taught and duplicatable in communities to help heal the world without so much need of “professionals”. It is obvious to me the societal disconnection or collective trauma we experience has sustained my depression, i want to help engage in healing this disconnection, not put a band-aid over it.

5.) I don’t want to mute my awareness. This is contrary to #3 because i am dampening my awareness through cannabis and sometimes alcohol, but the hope is that one day I can feel every inkling of a feeling until completion without a need to escape be it cannabis, alcohol, or SSRI’s. When I’m depressed i don’t feel, which is part of the problem, I’m not trying to run from my moods anymore, and SSRI’s would just be one more thing muting my awareness. This might be the most important reason for me, is that I want to be aware of my “symptoms” and create a life that is aligned with my needs using my “symptoms” as an indication of a need, not as some nemesis that needs to be defeated.

I feel like when people suggest medication to me it is because they want to help and don’t know how, even though just being heard is all i need from them. It suggests a discomfort with pain. Please don’t recommend medication to me. I don’t have bipolar disorder either, while my moods are cyclical they don’t fit criteria for bipolar, i don’t have the mania or hypomanic episodes, it’s more like a relief from the belief of “not good enough” which is boost for my motivation sure, but no where close to mania.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by noname.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by noname.

Thanks Anita,

Your imagery is a wonderful illustration of my experience. Think it’s time for me to give up on being loved by another though, too destabilizing to my life to think about right now. Maybe I’ll revisit my emotional needs later when I have some material security. Until then I think I will need to be willfully avoidant of the topic to avoid missing any work because of despair.