May 4, 2021 at 8:41 am #379179
“it is still a very real possibility that my life could stay exactly how it is, with good friends but no intimacy”- I agree, it is a very real possibility (but not the only real possibility).
As to the solutions to this very real possibility, you wrote: “the sadness seems to kick in harder when I start thinking about solutions, feels hopelessly out of my control”-
– that may be why you randomly cry (“had another random crying episode on the way home”): like a child who is experiencing a problem/distress but feels hopeless to solve it, crying so to get the attention of an adult who is able to solve the problem for the child.
“I’m just curious how to be alone and process sadness?”- continuing the thought above: maybe accept, radically accept, as the term goes, thoroughly accept that there is no one else there with you to solve your problem of loneliness, no one to see you cry and help you.
anitaMay 4, 2021 at 9:54 am #379181
“accept, radically accept, as the term goes, thoroughly accept that there is no one else there with you to solve your problem of loneliness, no one to see you cry and help you.” -This is sort of what i tried last night, my roommate was home and claims I can talk to her but is rarely present with me so i’ve given up on that relationship as a source of comfort. Which left me to be sad by myself.
So your saying a possible solution is to just be sad? this makes sense to me because we don’t really control whether or not an emotion is triggered within us, rather controlling how we respond to the emotion. My response to sadness 90% of the time is coupled with negative beliefs about why i deserve to suffer. I tried not to go there last night, knowing that could mean another severe depressive episode which i can’t afford. I tried to comfort myself by reaffirming my worth through self-talk, even though i barely believe it, I don’t feel like I have any other options right now but to fake love for myself until it feels real.
May 4, 2021 at 10:15 am #379183
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by noname.
“So you’re saying a possible solution is to just be sad?.. My response to sadness 90% of the time is couple with negatives beliefs about why I deserve to suffer”- to radically accept something means to accept it without making a judgment about it. To accept your sadness without judging that you deserve it, is to radically accept your sadness.
You feel sad because you are lonely, because you need emotional/ social support and you don’t have it. Try to keep it at that, without judging yourself as unworthy of support. When you find it difficult to do, think of/ imagine the young child that you were, see him in your mind’s eye. Hopefully, seeing his youthful face, hurt and so very sad, will lead you to accept that young child’s/your sadness without judgment.
anitaMay 5, 2021 at 2:00 pm #379238
I tried what you suggested above about not judging myself as unworthy for being sad, and my goodness is it difficult. I have to keep reminding myself non judgment of my pain is the only way forward at this point. I’m doing it though, I’m sad right now and just let the tears come as they will, feeling the discomfort in my stomach and trying my best to just be with it, and comfort myself by telling myself it doesn’t mean anything about me. This is really hard to do. My fear is that I may not be willing to keep doing this, to keep being in pain like this. It feels meaningless. Either way it does help not adding to the suffering through judgement, still no real relief in sight it feels like.May 5, 2021 at 2:55 pm #379240
“My fear is that I may not be willing to keep.. being in pain like this”- there is no benefit in pain unless there is meaning to the pain/ unless you can perceive a future benefit for you in feeling the pain. The meaning/ benefit is in your child-like cognitive understanding of your pain, of its origin, of where it’s coming from.
I am not talking about the uncommitted, flimsy kind of rational understanding that you already expressed, dressed in academic terms and elaborate concepts. I am talking about the bare simple truth of what happened to you as a child (way fewer words and way more power in the few, simple words).
anitaMay 6, 2021 at 4:14 am #379264
“The meaning/ benefit is in your child-like cognitive understanding of your pain, of its origin, of where it’s coming from.”
Yeah I think this makes sense to me. If I understand, you mean the benefit could be less suffering from the child like understandings of “I’m not good enough to be loved” and other beliefs and judgements like that…not necessarily complete alleviation from the pain of being alone?
I was reading some of the Dhammapada last night and there was a line that caught my attention that read;
“it is hard to leave the world and and hard to live in it, painful to live with the worldly and painful to be a wanderer. Reach the goal and you will wander and suffer no more”
There was also a section on selfish desire and it’s relation to suffering. I’m not trying to overthink this and I believe I am starting to grasp the point you’ve been making to me over and over for years now. What I feel is that it seems like there really is no escape from pain, maybe some escape from the added suffering we put on ourselves through desire. I think I can take the pain and avoid the suffering if I can avoid the selfish desires to escape through women, drugs, and other thrills I chase. Am I starting to understand? Or am I still missing the pointMay 6, 2021 at 9:36 am #379270
In my sentence: the meaning/ benefit is in your child-like cognitive understanding of your pain, of its origin, of where it’s coming from- I meant, like you suggested, that you will experience way less pain of being alone when you understand that you were good enough as a child, good enough to be loved. Much of the pain you experience is about wrongly believing that you were (and still are) not good enough.
If you believe that you were (and still) good enough to be loved, then being alone will not feel like a destiny and an eternity. Instead, being alone will have a temporary feel to it, as in: right now I am alone (as opposed to: I am forever alone).
“I think I can take the pain and avoid the suffering if I can avoid the selfish desires to escape through women, drugs, and other thrills I chase”- for as long as you believe that you are not good enough to be loved, you can’t escape pain and suffering because believing this means that you will forever be unloved.
Here is a 2 case scenarios to illustrate my point: (1) you hurt your shoulder because you lifted something heavy the wrong way. You put ice on it, then a heat pad, then ice again, you take an anti-inflammatory medication, you rest- it is all uncomfortable, you feel pain, then you feel better, then pain again, but you know that it is temporary. You may feel sad, but also resourceful (doing what it takes to heal) and hopeful that soon enough the pain will not be there anymore, (2) you hurt your neck and shoulder in a terrible accident, having to go through surgeries, and the prognosis is a life time of significant pain. You feel pain and you know that it’s a life-time sentence. You know there is nothing you can do to heal, so you feel helpless to stop the pain and you feel hopeless and depressed.
When you are unloved and alone and you believe that you are not good enough to be loved, it is like the 2nd scenario (you feel helpless, hopeless and depressed). When you are unloved and alone and you believe that you are good enough to be loved, it’s like the 1st scenario (you may feel sad, but also resourceful and hopeful).