Writing the post as a kind of stream of consciousness (which was very well done) is a good place to start to understand what issues belong to you and those that are your partners.

Start by breaking down your post and identifying and cognitive distortions (Below are common cognitive distortions) List the distortions that have shown up and ask yourself what payoff you might be getting for thinking that way. Notice (become mindful) of which type of distortion shows up the most. Under stress is there a tendency to frame the experience through that lens of this distortion? Did the distortions give you permission to focuses on what others may or may not be doing?  If so Its likely you identified a projection and shadow work is required.  (Google Shadow work or Shadow Dancing)

Once you remove the distortions you will be better able to identify the main issues that have gotten you to this present state of distress. It is likely that you will discover that there are not as many issues as you thought.

The experience of being overwhelm and lost may be due a feeling that an undefined everything was wrong. By taking time to breath and taking a honest look at your thinking you will be in a better place to deal with the issues that are in your power to deal with.

Cognitive Distortions

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

The Door to Dreams… hauntingly beautiful bitter sweet…

Hi greenshade

I was recently listing to some of Alan Watts talks. In one of them he was talking about the how when we we state our intuitions the ‘Adversary’ will create the opportunities to practice.  Life it seems likes to a ‘good’ joke and play the trickster.

It is ironic that as you are attempting to deal with your depression and abandonment issues your therapist and support system can’t show up for you.  Not funny however what you learn from these experiences and how you handle them (creating healthy boundaries) will be a big part of how you move forward and grow.

In his book ‘How to be an Adult’ David Richo wrote about the issue of being present to another in relationship. We tend to like the Hollywood story where two people can be 100% present to one other 24/7. The reality is that the best we can give and should expect (from the person we are relationship in) is 20%.  That might not sound like much but works out to about 4 – 5 hours a day. That’s allot of attention. I suspect what we can give and expect from friends is less.

Anyway, good for you in addressing the issue and working on creating respectful boundaries/expectations in your relationships.

Your extroverted friends do not intend not to support you… they are just less likely to understand why you don’t want the same things as they do. Understandable as most of the messages we receive from various media are about wanting/needing to “have it all”… even though few people know what “having it all” means or would even look like or what they would do if they had it.

Your doing what is best for you and that is all that matters. Well done!  Though yes it would be nice if your friends could see that.

Have you read the book ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking’  by Susan Cain?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

The book by Lewis B. Smedes – ‘The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know how’ is a good guide.

The practice of mindfulness might be a good place to start. Practice noticing when your thoughts become obsessive and fixated on the ‘story and feeling of being rejected’. The trick here is to notice without judging and labeling and in this way remaining a detached observer.

Detachment is not the same as Indifference so notice how your thoughts ‘affect’ you. What emotions come to the surface. As an observer you notice the emotions without becoming the emotion. Perhaps you notice the thoughts are connected to the emotion of sadness or fear, or resentment… without “becoming sad”, fearful or resentful.  The observer remains a still point of compassion, for yourself and others – in that space forgiveness becomes possible (forgiveness is a letting go not a forgetting. You mourn what you experienced as a loss, lean into it and step forward).

As an observer to your thoughts check them for cognitive distortions. What is it you know and what thoughts are based on imaginings.

For example. A part of your story is that had you been held by your birth parents you would now be free of a fear of rejection and so emotionally healthy. Notice that these thoughts are speculative, you do not know, and the story would not stop at that point. So, continue the story. Your birth parents kept you but their fears of not being able to care for you were real. They loved you but could not care or provide for you as your adoptive parents did. Perhaps there were days you went hungry and limited education possibilities that let you fall though the cracks. In stead of a fear of rejection you became angry and envious of others…. Statistically that is the more likely story then the one you have been telling.

If there comes a time when you overcome your obsessive thoughts of rejection and not being good enough. As an observer you will notice that the solution occurred the moment you stopped and took responsibility for your thoughts and how you direct your consciousness.  You will have realized that you are not your past or your thoughts or your consciousness but director of thoughts and your consciousness. You can spend another 10 years digging into your past to get to that point or you can start today. I cannot change what happened to me, I have mourned what could not be. I chose to move forward from where I am (which is the only place any of us can move from)

Hi Dia

There is a difference between supporting, helping and enabling.

Supporting someone is being fully committed to a person, whilst allowing them to do their part in terms of making any changes necessary. Supporting another empowers them, as it comes from connecting to another as an equal and understanding that they have the power within them to arise above whatever is challenging them.

Helping another is when we essentially go over the line and enter into the other person’s space in an attempt to bring them to the line. This approach occurs when we perceive another as a victim of their circumstances, and judge that they are incapable of coming to the line for themselves and hence feel that to ‘support’ them we need to do the work for them.  The problem with helping another in this way is that, even if we do succeed in getting the person to come to the line it is essentially our energy doing it not theirs.

Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. Enabling is different from helping and supporting in that it allows the enabled person to be irresponsible.

One needs to be very mindful especially within family if one is crossing the line between supporting, helping, or enabling.

My observation has been that receiving ‘help’ from a family member more often then not ends in resentment so I would focus on support – creating the space for your brother to find his own way and yes that means allowing him to make mistakes. It is not your role as sister to parent.

The other issue you mention is your concern and possibility jealously of how your parents parent your brother. It is understandable that you view the difference is treatment as enabling you brother’s behavior and it not being fair. (Am I correct in assuming there is some cultural influences at play here?) This treatment may not be fair however that issue is between you and your parents and is not about you and your brother.

You are very fortunate to have a relationship with your brother where you can both talk about issues that concern you. My advice for what is worth is to be mindful about the ways you are communicating. Are you supporting, helping, or enabling. It is possible that the best support you can offer is being available to listen vice pushing an agenda.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

A road to nowhere can be a great place to start an journey of adventure. Not all who wander are lost…

Hi Katie

Can you imagine if the rules of life stated that you must figure everything out by the age of five because from that point on you will be forever forced deal with everything in the same way as that five-year-old would.  Most people looking at that statement would call such a rule absurd. Yet for many people the coping skills they developed by the age of five are the same skills they will rely on for most their lives, as they wonder why things don’t work out for them.  Again, looking at that last sentence you might think how foolish those people are to use the coping methods learned at an age of five to deal experiences latter in life and expect things to work out.

The concerns you have noted in your post are normal and suggests that you are entering a new stage of life. The concerns indicate that your ahead of the game as you question how your past experiences might be shaping your current experiences. This is an important opportunity to evaluate the lessons you have learned and address those that are holding you back. This is your opportunity to become more conscious of who you are and who you want to be. We are influenced by our past however we are not our past.  We can learn to do better

13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others