Basically what I was saying was that when it comes to measuring experiences most people suck. A solution is to stop measuring. That won’t change what happened but it can change the attachment we have to the memory of what happened (it is the memory that we are left to deal with and what we are usually measuring which perpetuates the feelings or you might say the chemical stimulus that creates those feeling.)

What I think your saying is that the feelings we have about our experiences are the result of chemical interactions. Without the ability to produce the chemicals needed to experience joy or happiness one can only experience sadness… And in your view the only thing that can give value to ones life are the “feel-good neurotransmitters/chemicals in the brain”

Are you saying that people who suffer have no value or just can not experience value? And that only positive experience of value creates consciousness?

That is quite a leap and perhaps a misunderstanding of the words value, meaning, and quality and maybe unskillful measuring? Have you read Zen And the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. the book as a lot to say about value, quality and how we measure it.

Perhaps we are at the mercy of the chemicals of the brain – as above so below/fate. Perhaps the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences can influence the chemicals of the brain – as below so above/choice. What came first the negative thoughts about a experience or the chemical reactions? Did the experience influenza the chemicals which influence the thoughts or do thoughts influence the chemicals…(and the experience) both? is their a tipping point?

As to the question of what gives a life experience value… the stories we like the most are the ones where a negative experience leads to a transformation of becoming.

I would even argue that consciousness is a result of the tension we experience when confronted with the problem of opposites.

(as most  cultures beginning stories indicate – for example the tension of having knowledge of good and evil but not the discernment of knowing what is good or evil. the tension creating consciousness and with that a exit from the “bliss” of remaining unconscious. Or if you don’t like religious references, a baby takes a crap and it feels good, then its care taker makes a face of disgust when cleaning it up. What was experienced as good (objective as in the experience happened and felt like in the moment ) is, as influenced from above, also experienced as something else (subjective what we think and feel about the experience now memory as something else)… maybe even bad. Was it good or was it bad?)

I’m sorry your life so far has been crap. Nothing I could say can change that. Still you have come to a Buddhist forum and perhaps a part of you is looking for some other answers… or questions?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Peter.

I can relate to your story

In dream analyses and symbolic language; the people, animals and objects we meet in our dreams represent attributes, feelings, thinking, dreams… of the dreamer. The dreams a likely not about reconnecting to you X but to yourself in some way.

It seems the unconscious preferred way to communicate to the conscious is through the symbolic language of images.

In your dream your X would likely represent qualities that you might have associated with him as having as well as the hopes and dreams you may have had about yourself when you were together but that now you may be disconnected from.

When we are with someone we care about and who cares about us we feel empowered, we are empowered.  We tend to imagine that we can become the best version of ourselves.

After a breakup we often lose that imagined future or ourselves or become disconnected from it. At the same time our understanding of Love and relationship is challenged.  Your dreams could be an indication of unfinished work in dealing with that loss.

In dream interpretation asking the right questions can help.

What qualities would you associate with you X?

Which qualities do you also have and which ones do you think you don’t have?

Of the qualities that you don’t think you have which ones would you like to develop?

Do the same type of questioning with your thinking and feelings with regards to the idea of Love and Relationship that you may have had during your relationship with your X.

How did you see your future self while in that relationship?

Has an attribute, dream, hope that you may have had been lost? Were you too innocent? Did you become disillusion in anyway? Did you lose a creative spark?

In such an interpretation the dream would not be about reconnecting to your X, or be about your X at all.

Instead it is likely that its about reconnecting or making conscious something you have forgotten about your self, perhaps a better way to love yourself, forgive yourself….

My hunch is that once you do the dream work, the dreams will stop and you will have learned something about yourself that will make your current relationships even stronger.

My favorite quotes on Meaning

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell

Great to read a post of someone bring meaning to Life!

“If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ― Joseph Campbell

Yes a break up not only can change you, it should!

Fearing or not liking change is going to cause problems in future relationships

One of the purposes of relationship, especially with regards marriage is to act as the container/crucible to which we change so that we might become.

One of the attributes of Love (at the higher plane) is a push or even demand that we grow and become. Consciously or unconsciously we will be pushed. In this light, sometimes Love may require that a relationship end. That the pain of loss pushes a person into consciousness and becoming.

Within the crucible of marriage one can expect to confront and hopefully reconcile and work through the mother father complexes (learn to nurture and protect oneself from with in), Ones shadow and shadow projections, and the problem of opposites.

By confronting these challenges, we become conscious and conscious become our authentic selves. This is the hero journey

If within the container/crucible we do not do this work. Love will break the container so that the pain of the breaking might push us back onto the path (different or new crucible)

Happy Birthday

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.” – Albert Einstein

In measuring a point in time its so difficult not to want everything to happen/change all at once… but that would defeat reason for time.

We artificially create meaningful points of time in which to measure ourselves against. Are we where we wanted to be? Do I have, will I have, what I dreamed of having, that I dreamed of becoming? Can I envision a future that is different from the memories of how I see myself now? …

In general, when it comes to measuring our experience most people suck, making these moments of time and space in which we feel called to reflect to become depressive instead of constructive.

Reflection during these transitional points in our life journey are very important, but only if done skillfully. Only if we are asking helpful questions and not measuring/comparing our answers and experiences against how we think others are doing.

Self Reflection is a time to be honest without judgment.

Found the following after a quick google which might help you stay connected to your authentic self and grow through your reflections.

1. We need emotional space to process transitions. Give yourself time and space to process transitions. It may not seem “productive” so you’ll need to remind yourself that you truly need space, and that this will promote growth in the long run. If you’re leading a team in transition, give the team space to process. Create some space for dialogue and interaction about the transition. Look at the long term outcomes; not just the short term. The goal is not to get rid of pesky emotions and maximize productivity today

2.It’s normal and good to grieve the loss of what was. Let yourself grieve. Jesus said, “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” There is a deep psychological truth here; mourning brings about healing and comfort, even though it’s painful at the time.

3. Most transitions have a mix of positive and negative aspects. It’s normal to feel a mix of such emotions. Give yourself space for the full range of emotions and the inevitable ups and downs that come with the territory.

4. People process transitions differently depending on their personality and life history. Don’t expect yourself to process things the same way others do.

5. Vulnerability is strength. It doesn’t feel like it when we experience vulnerability, but it truly is strength. Vulnerability comes from a measure of security to be where you are, rather than to deny the emotional reality of what things mean to you

6. Remember the promise of something new. If you deny the reality of the pain of transition, the new will not have meaning, or you’ll never arrive at the new. You must process the meaning of what was, and come to imbue it with a new sense of meaning. As you do this, take a step back occasionally and focus on what is emerging that is new, healthy and fresh.

Whats love got to do with it? Everything yet love does not mean a relationship is meant to last.

Have you seen the movie La La Land? sometimes relationships are not meant for that ending we might have imagined. Fate Destiny…  and or does Life  demand that we grow of which relationships are a tool, and that sometimes the lessons we need to learn will only be looked for through the pain of a relationship ending.  I do not understand why this is so, why we can’t learn our lessons when life is as we imagined, but for most people we are like a young bird that needs to be pushed out of the nest.

I found the following book helpful when I asked similar questions to those you are asking yourself.

‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving’ by David Richo

“Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.” Bryant McGill,

Love doesn’t require you to continue a relationship.
You may love someone very much, but you may not be compatible with them. Or they may drive you crazy with their continued disregard for your feelings. You can still love them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Love doesn’t mean that you have to stay, and stay and stay. You can leave the relationship and love them anyway.

Relationships are the crucible in which we discover ourselves. As such we create and play out scenarios that need healing with in relationships especially those in which we feel safe in. When we stop feeling safe within a relationship yet continue to seek out healing the relationship could become one of codependency. In codependency instead of healing and growing we become stuck in our pain, a kind of ground hog day but one we never find our way out of.

It is a perplexing paradox, however it is often the painful end of a painful relationship the pushes those involve to heal and grow.

We long for the La la Land happy ever after ending. Yet the movie of the same title showed that sometimes a relationship is only fated for a moment in time and not ever after.