Mindfulness allows me to notice that my thoughts don’t always determine how I act. Though I may be afraid I often act with courage in the face of that fear.  Mindfulness reveals that who ever ‘I’ am my thoughts and actions don’t necessary define me.  This creates the space where I might observe (detached) my thoughts and actions and more often then not come to a realisation that my fear is False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).

Mindfulness reveals that Everyone, EVERYONE struggles with this fear of ‘being found out’ and fake. (Does that shock you?)  But that it is almost always false evidence, we aren’t being fake were working on our becoming, when we are trying we are doing. This realisation opens the door to compassion for ourselves and others.

You F.E.A.R. That you look like someone who doesn’t have their act together. (look like implies you know as some level that this issue is about perception and not reality) No matter how many people tell you that you look like someone who has it together you won’t believe them because you have decided that you are your thoughts.

As our thoughts are constantly changing this must be overwhelming and begs the question which thought are you?  The tendency is to pick the most negative which allows you to create what you Fear and make the false evidence real.

The good news is that if we create what we fear mindfulness allows us to create what we hope for.

If your authentic intention is to create strong relationships and not sabotage them by creating conditions that reinforce your negative thinking you might start to work on becoming more skillful and compassionate with your thoughts.

At seven it is unlikely there was any intent behind your brother’s actions and at 12 on the cusp of puberty little chance that you understood what was happening.

Now seven years latter you remember the experience and are judging your past self based on what you have learned since then about such behaviour.

One of the problems of memory is that it does not see clearly. When we bring up a memory we might picture specifics moments of the event but not what we were thinking and ‘knew’ at the time. We tend to fill in the gaps by projecting our present thinking and feelings into the past event which often messes us up.

Its important work to understand how our past might be influencing our present and apart of that is to understand how or present might be coloring our past.

The emotion we call regret is often identified as the least helpful I think because tends to lead to stuckness as we become fixated on an experience we cannot change and instead of compassion and learning from it (make amends if we were wrong, work to forgive if we where wronged) we beat ourselves up over and over and over.

In the current social climate of the ‘Me To’ and ‘Times Up’ movement it is understandable that such a memory might come up. I suspect many Men and Woman who desire real change in this area are also reflecting on past moments when they didn’t know better and feel shame and regret.  Some might experience a memory of regret/shame for not coming forward and speaking out in a moment of harassment. For others it might be regret for what they now understand was and is inappropriate actions. Perhaps a bit of both. It becomes complex. I suspect most people have memories of both.

Its interesting but one of the concerns Gautama had about teaching the path was that he knew some students would turn the process into rules that would become another ‘thing’ to attach the ego to.

The Buddha told a story of a group of people needing to cross a river.  The group builds a raft and crosses successfully. The Buddha asks the students what the group of people should do with the raft now that they are across. Do they strap the raft onto their backs and carry it around with them forever or do they leave it behind as they continue to go forth?

As you travel remember that the map is not the territory it is a guide that may and may not at times prove helpful. A teaching that works for crossing one river may not be the teaching to get one across all rivers. There will come a point where all teachings fall to the way side and we you discover your own way. This is a point were true liberation occurs the embrace of doubt and uncertainty and the freedom that unlocks.

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

Interestingly one of the physiological purpose of relationships is to heal the past so each person in the relationship can individuate. Become the best version of themselves. We subconsciously tend to pick partners that will recreate or simulate past experiences to give us a chance to heal them.

A woman who is angry at men might pick a partner she can project that anger on with the subconscious hope that the partners Love will reveal the projection for what it is  which creates the chance for her to integrate her shadow – taking ownership of what belongs to her and letting of the stuff that doesn’t and doing so heal the past.

The danger of course is ending up in a co-dependent relationship where each person fears and hurts end up feeding the others fears and hurts. Instead of healing the issues become even more entrenched.

I think that if two people are conscious of this process they might be less likely to panic when the ‘past comes out to play’

Creating the list was a good place to start.

The next step might be to separate the trees from the forest. Viewing the list as a whole would be overwhelming for anyone while dealing with one issue at a time is very doable.

I found it helpful to identify how each bullet point might be influencing the story you are telling yourself and how that story might be influencing your experiences. Next look for any cognitive distortions – all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, generalizing… (google cognitive distortions). The practice here is to learn to notice and become mindful of ‘unskillful’ thinking, not to judge yourself for that thinking – that would unskillful ?.

The goal here is to learn how to become the master of your story vice allowing the stories to master you.  This process will bring you to the end of the beginning… uncovering the real issues that are keeping you stuck and not feeling “good enough”. Identifying the issues that you can work on and create real change.

I would bet that the question of “good enough”, what ever that is, will disappear as you become more skillful. You will also discover that you can create “peace of mind” even in a tempest.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Peter.

Well said Tannhauser

the spiritual path, whatever that means, is not your path. that is a reasonable response to the life your experiencing.

I can understand the anger and disappointment in the life your experiencing but not the anger in the “gods” you don’t believe in and the path you have taken as yours. Its like shaking your fist at the empty air where the only person who experiences the anger is yourself.