Forgiveness is an Art and takes skill to practice sadly for many forgiveness has become a platitude.

Forgiveness is not forgetting it’s a letting go. What do we let go of? for one thing we let go of our call for revenge which only bound us more firmly to the ones who hurt us. Letting go of vengeance is often mistaken as meaning a letting go of responsibility, accountability and consequence. But that is a mistake. We can hold people accountable without resorting to vengeance and doing so open the door to forgive them.

The problem with revenge is that it never evens the score. It ties both the injured and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck on the escalator as long as parity is demanded, and the escalator never stops. Lewis B. Smedes

I found L.B. Smedes book – The Art of Forgiveness –- and Forgive and Forget – to be some of better books that deal with this concept. Note that Smedes concept of Forgetting is not about forgetting the event but changing the way in which we relive the memory of the experienced.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

Once we have forgiven, however, we get a new freedom to forget. This time forgetting is a sign of health; it is not a trick to avoid spiritual surgery. We can forget because we have been healed. But even if it is easier to forget after we forgive, we should not make forgetting a test of our forgiving. The test of forgiving lies with healing the lingering pain of the past, not with forgetting the past has ever happened.

I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse… People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive… There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives… Don’t do it quickly, but don’t wait too long.
Lewis B. Smedes

Mourning a loss of a relationship without understanding why makes it all that much more difficult..

The principle of charity suggests that if we are unable to know the reason for someone actions and that there are many possible explanations then to avoid negativity pick the most positive one.

If I were to guess your friend may have felt abandoned and left holding the bag. It’s also possible at an unconscious level you’re leaving challenged and scared him. Perhaps at some level he wishes he had the courage to take a leap but for his own reasons can’t all of which you now remind him of. These feelings maybe be keeping him from being able to see that your actions were about you and your well being and not about him. Your leaving was about you not about him.

Similarly it’s important for you to remember that his reaction to the situation belongs to him. It’s not about you.

You have reached out and I don’t see what more you can do other than acceptance. The ball as the say is in his court

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

You are torn between two worlds, the dream and the choices. You pursued your dream however missing your family you made the choice to return home and now mourn the loss of a dream. That choice to return home was perfectly understandable and valid. But yes it came at the cost that you now mourn and so find yourself stuck

“In February, the overcast sky isn’t gloomy so much as neutral and vague. It’s a significant factor in the common experience of depression among the locals. The snow crunches under your boots and clings to your trousers, to the cuffs, and once you’re inside, the snow clings to you psyche, and eventually you have to go to the doctor. The past soaks into you in this weather because the present is missing almost entirely.”
― Charles Baxter, The Feast of Love

I relate to the predicament of not being able to take full ownership of the decisions we make. Instead we mourn a remembered future that the decision we made took away and find ourselves stuck and so never living in the present. To move forward you must reconcile yourself your choices, own them, learn what there was to learn and then start again.

And of all the gifts arrayed before me,
This one thought at this moment in my life is the most precious.
And so, we begin again. – The Feast of Love

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” ― Sylvia Plath

“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”
― Tom Hiddleston

1. Goals are something you are acting on. Dreams are something you are just thinking about. Goals require action. Dreams can happen without lifting a finger, even while you are asleep.
2. Goals have deadlines. Dreams are just, well, dreams. Goals must have a deadline. They have a time limit. Dreams can go on forever. In fact, many people maintain dreams their entire lives without ever reaching them.
3. Dreams are free. Goals have a cost. While you can daydream for free, goals don’t come without a price. Time, money, effort and sweat. How will you pay for your goals?
4. Goals produce results. Dreams don’t. Want to change your life? Your job? Your status in life? Goals can do that. A good friend of mine made six-figures on the ebook he published. He did that. Had it stayed as a dream, his life would have been as it always was.
5. Dreams are imaginary. Goals are based in reality. You may dream of being Superman, but that is probably not going to happen. Goals are about what you can actually accomplish. They are grounded in the reality of our world. Goals should be big, but not supernatural.
6. Goals have a finish line. Dreams never have to end. Dreams can go on forever. They don’t have to have an ending point. Goals must have a specific outcome.
7. Dreams can inspire you. Goals can change your life. Dreams can bring you motivation. They can inspire you. But, goals can change your life forever.
8. Goals must have focus. Dreams don’t. Dreams can be drifting, ever-changing thoughts. Goals must be laser-focused. They must be specific and they must be always on your mind.
9. Goals require hard work. Dreams just require your imagination. Dreaming is easy. Almost everyone has a dream. But, fewer people have goals. Goals are hard and they require hard work. (See #3)
10. Dreams stretch your imagination. Goals stretch you. Dreaming leads to bigger dreams. They stretch the limits of your imagination. But, goals stretch you. They increase your skills, your abilities, and change you forever

Do our experiences crate our thoughts or do our thoughts crate our experience? (read create… but I like crate)

I suspect it both.

We often have little control over the influence’s coming from the outer world however we can influence the stories and thoughts we tell ourselves and in way create the growth we hope for.

The first step is to become conscious of the stories you’re telling yourself and check them for cognitive distortions.
There is always distortions in the stories we tell ourselves so it would be a mistake to label or judge any findings as proof of being bad or stupid (which would be a cognitive distortion) The task is to become conscious of your stories and possible distortions without judgment so that you might respond to them vice react to them

You might enjoy ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’ by Garth Stein

“In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.”
― Garth Stein

“To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live. To feel the joy of life, as Eve felt the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter every day. To say I am alive, I am wonderful, I am. I am. That is something to aspire to.”
― Garth Stein

“People are always worried about what’s happening next. They often find it difficult to stand still, to occupy the now without worrying about the future. People are generally not satisfied with what they have; they are very concerned with what they are going to have.”
― Garth Stein

“That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”
― Garth Stein

“I know this much about racing in the rain. I know it is about balance. It is about anticipation and patience… [it is also] about the mind! It is about owning one’s body… It is about believing that you are not you; you are everything. And everything is you.”
― Garth Stein

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Peter. Reason: (lol typo crate instead of create, but maybe crate is still correct as our thoughts more easily box us in then free us

I’ve had a similar experience with the relationship to Love as Jock noted.

Relationships, what’s love got to do with it? Everything and nothing???
– Love must be present but does not mean a physical/material/worldly relationship should be maintained.
– Love is “all there is” and so always present even when you don’t feel the thrill of being in love or when love requires a relationship to end.

So confusing

The movie ‘La La Land’ address the issue of love and its role in Relationship and our expectations of it. (Spoiler alert)

‘La La Land’ is a movie which touches on the feel of the old time Hollywood musical where the expectation is for a happy every after Hollywood ending. The couple can achieve their life’s purpose/calling/dream and remain together happy ever after.

As an audience that’s what we want, and we get to see that the possibility was present, perhaps even only requiring moment’s choice of the taking of a different road, or a kiss instead of walking past…

But the movie doesn’t end that way. The love remains – bitter sweet – but the relationship is not meant to be. LOVE it seemed needed both Sebastian and Mia to become more then it needed them to be together. Perhaps even, the relationship push pull and ending was part of the process for them to achieve their callings.

Maybe that’s not helpful but I believe it to be true maybe only because it has been my experience. The woman I loved woke up one day and stopped loving me even though she still loved me. The relationship was over. I have never been so hurt… Knowing, or was it accepting, that LOVE pushes for growth, pushes for life and becoming even at a cost of a personal relationship did not make it hurt any less. In hindsight I can see that the pain of the breakup for both us pushed us forward into a more mature inner relationship to a relationship with life and love. Still bitter-sweet.

The same week I saw the movie ‘Collateral Beatty” where a man grieving the loss of his daughter writes letters to Death, Time and Love. Though the sadness and loss is different it’s also the same as that in La La land…  (so appropriate ‘La La Land’ when it comes to our expectations of Love)

Sorry I’m meandering.

Anyway after that movie I thought to myself that I would have written the angry letters to Life and Love and wondered what that said about me… Its not Death I’m angry at but Life… Maybe it doesn’t matter as Life and Death exist in each other, require each other… one might say they are married to each other and that together are LOVE.

Still not helpful.

Maybe when it comes to the experience of Love and Being in love, reason, philosophy, psychology, theology… don’t matter in the end… maybe all we can do is experience it and doing so hope to become.

Funny, I’ve been thinking about learning some dancing…I love music, but feel so awkward when I attempt to dance to the beat…

If you want a activity where you get to practice learning not to take yourself too seriously and self acceptance – ballroom dancing.
Everyone starts out awkward but then if you persevere one day you realize your body always new how to dance.. it was always only the mind getting in the way. And isn’t that true of most of the things we do especially with regards to relationships?

🙂

I figure that most people break there resolutions within the first week of the new year so

New years Resolutions…
Start drinking, over eating, gambling, smoking, womanizing…

Worked for me last year 🙂 though I’m a little torn with the womanizing, on the one hand it sounds like it might be fun but then I think so much work and who am I kidding no way I could handle it… 🙂

Happy New Year Everyone!