The difficult portion is for its practical application, and which is why so many people end up frustrated on what to do for finding a life partner.

Yes, my question is only specific to a personal relationship with another person hence the wordings in my post which started the thread – “How to find a soulmate, a life partner?”

Watched the movie ‘Collateral Beauty’ over the weekend. It was interesting how the philosophy, theology, apologetics, platitudes about Death, Time and Love do not comfort in the times of anguish. For myself I would have wrote the letters to Life and Love but I suppose that Life would have been played by the same character as Death, probably, Love as well. They are all part of each other.

Anyway your right understanding and even experiencing Love at a universal level does not at first glance help the practical application in a personal relationship. Understanding is not wisdom

I do however feel that understanding love at the higher levels creates space in which we might respond to love as a practical application of a personal relationship.

I start from the premises that each of us is the meaning of our life and so our task is in becoming and that Relationships are the crucible in which we discover ourselves and become.

So what does this mean at a practical level?

Psychologically by the age of 5 by nature, nurture, karma, sins of the “father” (however you want to identity it) how we are going to experience relationship is pretty much set and we will spend the rest of our lives working on healing.

What this means is that we will set up and replay scenarios in our relationship, usually unconsciously, so that we can work through them and doing so heal. As in all things the possibility for growth or getting stuck exists.

In a healthy relationship each helps the other work through there scenarios, become more conscious, and end the loop. (The show ‘This is Us’ shows how this is done).

In relationships that become co-dependent instead of working through the scenarios the scenarios remain unconscious and so feed of each other and the couple become stuck. In such cases Love often requires the pain of a relationship ending to push the process forward.

Love/Life always pushes upward to the light. Though it is painful it is still love.

This is just my opinion. Life will put into your path people who through relationship will push you to become as you are ready. By ready I mean open to seeing and letting Life/Love happen. We work for that which no work is required. It might sound easy enough but being open to being loved as we are is very difficult. It is easier to give then to receive.

Understanding and respecting the many experiences of Love as it is, Life as it is, while in relationship you create space to respond instead of react to the lessons you need to learn and heal the hurt and transcend karma. In this space you learn to pull back projections, recognize your shadow, and in doing so learn to see and love the other and yourself as they and you are.

When you and your partner participate in the process of growth and becoming I think is when you discover you are in relationship with a soul mate.

‘Fish don’t know they’re in water’ likewise Humanity don’t know they’re in ‘love’

Love has many leaves and so experienced in many ways. I suspect one of the lessons of becoming is to discover that love exists in all of our experiences even those that are painful. Sometimes I wonder if setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it. We become seekers lost in the seeking failing to see the water we are swimming in, failing to become finders.

How to find Love? Be open to seeing with eyes anew.

Perhaps rephrasing our question might help?

What you seem to be looking for is the experience of a journey of love within a personal relationship with another individual.

How do experience Love in relationship? Be open to seeing yourself and the other with eyes anew. Be open to experiencing love in all is simplicities and complexities.

How to respond?
For you it’s the first time your hearing about a problem while your girlfriend has likely been thinking about it for a while. So it’s fair for you to ask for time and space so that you might better come to terms with what is being asked of you.

My opinion is that when such a request is made it needs to be taken seriously and respected.

That said you deserve to know what she means by giving space… No contact, limited contact, seeing others…. How will both of you know when it’s time to talk about whatever is behind the need for space?

What is the real meaning? The likely hood is that she does not know herself which may be why see needs space, so speculating will just make you crazy and if you argue about it likely end up reinforcing any misgivings she has.

When you both of you understand what giving space will look like let her know that stepping back and giving space does not mean you are giving up and don’t want to ‘fight’ for the relationship. You can’t read her mind (so don’t) Let her know that you expect her to let you know when it’s time to talk and that when she does you may need time to take in the information so that you can respond vice react to the emotions you may be experiencing when she tells you.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

I think in the moment it is best to be present.

Allowing the moment to be about her and not about not about knowing what to say. (Which too many people fill with platitudes and stories of their own losses.)

A touch often says more than words could. A gift left at the door could be nice way of saying you heard and see her. Isn’t that what really all want when we’re hurting, to be seen and heard?

How do I know I would even be happy with forgiving?

It’s remarkable to me that even though forgiveness is a part of all wisdom traditions it remains so little understood.

Part of the tension I noticed in your post seems to have been created with a struggle you have with the idea of forgiveness. Which is interesting because you state “Though I cannot forgive her for what she has done, I can be grateful”
“I can be grateful” shows that you are on the path of letting go and in my opinion forgiveness and letting go, go hand in hand.

It might help you to re-look at your expectations of forgiveness and what it means as it would be a shame for you to hold on to the experience of betrayal due to a misunderstanding of the word forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and time does not heal
Forgiveness does not mean what happened to you was ok.
Forgiveness does not mean the person that hurt us is no longer accountable or responsible. If there is not accountability to who we are and what we do, there is no meaning, purpose or love.
Forgiveness can heal a relationship but does not mean that that a personal relationship must be re-established.

Relationship occurs on many levels, even when there is no personal contact and sometimes ending a personal relationship is what is required to heal the relationship.

What most people actually struggle when a relationship ends due to betrayal is the relationship they have with the memory of the experience. Forgiveness is an important tool to help us with healing the relationship we have with ourselves and our memory of the experience.

For me forgiveness is letting go. We let go of victim and villain stories and wanting to get even. We let go of punishing ourselves.
We love those that fail us as we love ourselves when we fail. This is not letting them or ourselves off the hook but the grace to learn and grow from the experience.

It is a reality that we ‘awaken’ and experience life more clearly after a confrontation with the tension that comes from our experiences. Again that does not justify the experience. Justifications are the bars that keep us locked in the cells of our own creation.

Forgiveness allows us to look through the justifications so that the bars no longer lock us in but opes us to the possibility of wisdom and growth.

We pray for the grace to learn better so we might do better and loving others as ourselves we pray that those who hurt us might also learn better so they might do better. As you say you can be grateful even when you are hurt. You free your memory from anger, hate, fear… and see the experience as it is, responding to life instead of reacting to it as you move forward.

As I am new to Buddhism, I’m still figuring out how I perceive it. I am stuck between following a strict set of rules and following it the best I can without hurting my mental health.

When approaching the wisdom traditions there is always tension between rules and spiritual growth. All religions struggles with teaching spiritual growth while as an organization requiring boundaries to define itself that holds people in/together. I believe this tension exists to push us forward.

Unfortunately that often means that on the journey to become we will experience betrayal and death. Becoming requires a lot of dying. If you think about it every moment we experience is a birth, betrayal, death and only then resurrection. We die and are reborn with every breath we take. Forgiveness says yes to this reality.

For spiritual growth I like the idea of being “transparent to transcendence”. I see that as allowing the words to be symbols so that instead of being bound by them (rules) you look through them to what is being pointed to and learn something

“What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There is nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way you will find, live, become a realization of your own personal myth.”

“Make your god transparent to the transcendent, and it doesn’t matter what his name is.”
Joseph Campbell

I relate to your disappointment in human nature especially as revealed though the lens of ‘America’s great decision”

“Should I accept being single forever?”

In my opinion there are times in our lives where we are called to accept that a goal, dream, hope… has passed us by. Circumstance, fate, nature, nurture, choice all play there parts. Knowing when that time has past requires wisdom and discernment. My observations is that we get it wrong more often then right.

“Should I accept being single?” Yes. Strong relationships start with an individual knowing and accepting who they are as an individual. An individual capable of pulling back and owning their ‘projections’ we place on others. The irony being that it is most often through the crucible of relationship that we discover/know who we are.

If I have any suggestions lose the word ‘forever’ as you do not want to limit your experiences due to stubbornness.

After being hurt by others as a 10 year old boy I remember sitting alone in a playground making a vow that I would never get married and let others close enough where they could hurt me. I have so far lived out that vow even though my dream is to have an authentic personal relationship. The result is that I live in constant tension between fear and hope… I don’t recommend it. I am a very lonely and regardless of my walls still end up hurt anyway, maybe even more so because of them.

We create what we fear and live out the stories we tell ourselves until one day the stories write us. I told myself a very foolish story at a time when I was lost and hurt… and now the story writes me. You think at any time you can write a better story, and you can, but you don’t. Stories have deep roots.

Words have power. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Forever is a terrible word.

How to Be an Adult in Love – Letting love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly by David Richo

“The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.”

“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimization’s rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”

We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We find it a challenge to love ourselves. We might have a hard time letting love in from others: recognizing it, accepting it. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us and love that isn’t shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled. We explore ways to love ourselves without guilt and with generosity. We learn how to love others with awareness of our boundaries. We confront our fears of love and loving. We embrace the spiritual challenge of letting our scope of love expand.” —

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

I think your going to be ok and learn a great deal as you grow.

I never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?

You are not a bad person. I think often it’s the labeling of our such experiences as bad that end up magnifying the ‘negativity’ we feel.

You want to be happy for your friend but a part of you doesn’t and you feel bad about it but want to do something about it. To me this show signs of someone who learning to become authentic. That this experience is a opportunity for growth

My experience and observations has been that pretending not to have these negative feelings, pushing them back and then beating oneself up by labeling ourselves as ‘bad’ only gives power to the experience.

It seem to me you are already taking the steps to deal with this negativity by noticing it.