You followed your heart and did what you felt was right. There is no need for you to apologise or defend your choice.  Is your daughter worried that you might get sucked back into unhealthy family drama? Ensuring that you have set boundaries might reassure her. From what you have posted it is possible that seeing your family will trigger unresolved issues so you need to be careful.

You and your daughter might find it helpful to work through the following book: ‘Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves’ by C terry Warner (the book focus is on taking ownership of our own emotions and story. There are some who feel this means letting those that hurt us off the hook. It does not. We cannot change what others think, feel, or do. We can though work on ourselves. There are times when love requires a relationship to end and if that moment comes it is not out of anger or list of justifications that it is ended. It ends from a place of love. No bridges burned just healthy boundaries. )

“At every stage of life, our inner self requires the nurturance of loving people attuned to our feelings and responsive to our needs who can foster our inner resources of personal power, lovability, and serenity. Those who love us understand us and are available to us with an attention, appreciation, acceptance, and affection we can feel. They make room for us to be who we are.”

“When we feel unsafe with someone and still stay with him, we damage our ability to discern trustworthiness in those we will meet in the future.”

“The opposite of interpersonal trust is not mistrust. It is despair. This is because we have given up on believing that trustworthiness and fulfillment are possible from others. We have lost our hope in our fellow humans.”

“The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.”

― David Richo:  How to Be an Adult in Relationships

Trust your intuition. You may find the work of Clarissa Pinkola Estés helpful – ‘Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype’

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”

Open the door and walk through

“I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories… water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”  ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

The danger in projecting into an imagined future is that you forget how to be present in the moment. So even when you arrive where you dreamed of going you might not recognize it when you get there. Anger is a double edge sword it can help you identify what you want to change but also cut you off from who you want to be.

You can have what your looking for where you’re at… if you allow yourself to be where you’re at.

Experiencing Spiritual emptiness at times is normal. As for these intense emotions your feeling it sounds like you’re in a transition stage and have lost connection with your sense of self. During a transition it is also ‘normal’ to feel lost and irritated, and being lost and irritated lashing out.

If this is a time of transition is it possible that your experiencing expressed (and or unexpressed) expectations from family, friends, society… to be, think and act in a way that isn’t authentic to you. That could explain the anger and ‘hatred’ especially if you’re not sure about the path you want to follow. That anger and hate could be a projection onto others about how you feel about yourself.

A professional therapist could help you sort out your thinking and emotions as well as teach to techniques for dealing with anger and the like.

You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing and in no way harmed your cousin

The history behind the word paganism is fascinating. From your post, I assume you are using the word to refer to spiritual teachings other then those of Judaism Islam or Christianity.

You may find Joseph Campbell study on Kundalini Yoga very helpful. “Masks of Oriental Gods: Symbolism of Kundalini Yoga,”  and Lecture II.1.3 The Sound Aum and Kundalini Yoga

The audio books are great and can be found http://www.jcf.org

We are overwhelmed and become stuck when are mind tries answer all the questions we have at once.

Change happens slowly then all at once. Change starts with focusing on one doable thing at a time.  My suggestion is that that first thing is not this fuzzy thing we think of as purpose.

I have read many books on the subject of purpose and have found that the question is a unskillful distraction. As Joseph Campbell noted its pointless to ask the question when you are the answer. You are the Answer! Your Being in all its messiness is Purpose. Life does not have some mysterious purpose that you must somehow find.  You are already purpose. Its not what you will do that will create a purpose but who you are, your being as you act in this world that will. From this perspective of being everything you experience is purpose.

TS Eliot wrote “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” You can choose to go down this road frantically, longingly seeking out purpose that is one path but there is another to go down this road calmly and with assurance that you will return home and see it for the first time as it is, for what it is. And in seeing it so find yourself able to say Yes, Yes to all of it.

I’ve been re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Today I read the following: “stuckness shouldn’t be avoided. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all”. So Great News! You are just where you need to be to get to where you want to go! The first step towards change perhaps learning how to give egoless acceptance of where you are. No need for labels, like purpose, for your experiences. Accept where you are and you will know where you need to go next. One step at a time. Trust Life and trust your inner self and one day you will find yourself content that you gave life purpose and it being you is amazing.