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samyParticipantHi anita
Every time you let go of what you cannot change, you are encouraging a new mental habit. – that’s good to know. I was wondering how to kickstart new mechanisms. Thanks for your feedback. I’ll keep this practice up.
I have since discovered some breathing techniques – 4 seconds inhale and 6 seconds exhale is working for me. It calms my body down.
I have major Monday blues and this week there are some deadlines we need to meet, but I managed to not dwell too long on how we’ll achieve it. I decided I will be ok if I fail. This has been a breakthrough.
Overall there is major discomfort in letting things go. The physical sensations last longer but I am able to let it go and get my time back. My current moment seems good enough by itself, so I am not afraid of the future.
Another thing I realized – I am scared of anxiety itself. It is strange but I can be pretty aloof to what is triggering my anxiety or even get through it with the anxiety running through my body. Anxiety has been my default for so long, after all. My life has always been be really afraid of something, get through it and find a new thing to be afraid of. So that cycle is familiar to me. But the actual anxiety itself I never cared about. Now that I want to overcome anxiety, any time I sense anxiety in my body, I get more anxious. Almost upset that it keeps coming back. But if I look at it as just sensations, that it will go away too, it’s not a big problem. I shouldn’t worry about it coming back. If I calmed myself in the present moment, that’s a win.
About advocating for women. I have given up on Indian men. This includes men in my family. I feel bad saying this but they can be fun, supportive and a lot of other things but the overarching theme when it comes to women is downplaying our struggles and making us justify our needs and dismissing them anyways. The approach I take is I mentor the younger women joining our team. Especially with respect to not being too vulnerable and letting others bring them down.
Girija
samyParticipantHi Tommy
Hope you find a good teacher and sangha. Live a long life and help many others – I will look for a sangha but from what I know there isn’t one nearby. Hope I find one.
That was an amazing story! Living in the moment, what’s done is done.
I like the stories you share, you don’t have to apologize.
samyParticipantHi anita
There were a couple of instances –
1. We use an app called Slack to chat with other employees or groups of employees, at work. I was required to drop a message asking for one team to approve a certain workflow. They had 2 groups and I posted in 1 but got no reply, so I posted in the other after waiting a day for a reply in their first group – but I got a rude reply to the second message, implying I wasn’t following the process. It hurt my feelings. I felt the need to defend myself and I did. I explained what had happened and the person let it go. After that, I told myself the moment has passed, it doesn’t matter now. I am having to work to hold on to the moment. I can simply let it go. This I got from Peter and Tommy from the other thread, and you. Doing work when no work needs to be done. But also, I wanted to explore why it mattered so much – and using my questions – I was able to conclude that this was a mishap and doesn’t make me incompetent. Because, I think that’s what hurt me – that the other person was implying I was incompetent. And you know how much that has always bothered me.
Another instance, I am active on reddit where I both ask and give advice for developer related questions, including on one forum which has Indian developers. It is a male majority group. There was one post that was especially hurtful towards women. How people want to bring equality, but don’t consider men. I found that malicious because most developers know there are very few women and that is why this was required. Some of the comments were really offensive, implying they want women because they will do favours, if you know what I mean. This hurts because the treatment towards women is really bad, a lot of women quit here because of that. They get no support at work or home. And a lot of the conditioning that men have of women belonging in the kitchen plays out at work with both younger and older Indian men. But I don’t want us to quit because if we do we will forever remain in the clutches of our fathers and husbands. Some of these men are going to be those fathers and husbands. I made my own comment explaining why equality was needed. Another member was really rude, completely discarding what I was saying and instead attacking my tone and saying I am extreme and he hates that and went on to insult me saying it must be really hard for my team mates to deal with me. I was immediately able to recognize he was trying to prick at any insecurities I might have. This is new for me. I would have tried to defend myself. But this time I knew he was trying to get personal to hurt me. And knowing that, it helped me from not engaging in the conversation further. I was able to let it go thinking he said what he had to and the moment has passed, I am not going to change that.
The only reason I think I might be doing it wrong is – both those situations kept coming back on their respective days. I had to keep getting my mind away from them. Once you decided not to let the weather affect you because you can’t change it. Would it still come back? Or am I doing something wrong? My heart rate was high throughout the day for the second instance and I read that stretching increases the blood flow and relaxes our body. So, I had to do that multiple times in the day. Is it normal?
Also, since I brought it up, it makes me sad that a lot of men are not able to just let women be. The resistance to women having their own freedom breaks my heart. The only thing that will fix this is having more women in the workplace, it wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss us. My team has a 5:4 women to men ratio, and just 3 of us women were able to slowly tire one of the men out and stopped him from making sexist remarks. It’s not like we coordinated it. It’s just that a lot of things women here used to put up with is because they had no choice. When we feel empowered, it is not easy to get away with treating us like a commodity and I think this is the reason for opposing freedom for women. I’m sorry for bringing this up here. I don’t have anyone to talk about this to. My family would just say let it go. But even after having my own freedom, if I have to let men walk all over me and accomodate the sexism, that is not real freedom.
Girija
samyParticipantHi Tommy
There is a trap to go looking for something. Because if you are looking for something then you just may find it in one form or another. – You’ll always find what you are looking for, even if it is not the truth.
If one is conscious and mindful then one will be engaged with life. Have feelings. This is a part of living. When I love, I want to feel love. Not detached from the people I love. With a clear mind and full of attention, live life’s every moment fully. If something sad happens then feel sadness. Not dwell in the sadness. Not be overwhelmed by such things. Engage with the present moment, your relationships and emotions, but use the truths mentioned earlier to understand the true nature of life and not dwell or attach to any one notion.
Letting go of the ego is letting the mud clear from the waters. Then one can see clearly to all depths. It is with wisdom and compassion that one lives in freedom of the ego. I understand this. I am still struggling to understand what taking action for myself or for my oen good would look like without having an ego. I’ll dwell on that 🙂
samyParticipantHi anita
I read you last post again. I get it. I think I practiced it, but would love to know if what I did was right. Let me know if you are okay with that
Girija
samyParticipantHi Peter
When you say ‘let go of my ego’ what do you think that means? – To me ego is the indentity one assigns to themselves. The concept me being my own entity separate from others comes from the ego. And I had mentioned earlier that I think the ego is there to protect us. Surely, life would be a lot easier if we let go of my understanding of ego because the number of things that matter would dramatically reduce. But at the same time, if I don’t have that ego wouldn’t it be hard to protect myself from others? Is your idea of ego different?
samyParticipantHi Peter
working for that which no work is required – the moment has passed – if so what is it that we are holding on to (attaching to) – this is awesome. Trying to change something that can’t be changed.
Which comes first Mindfulness OR Detachment? – I think they’d go hand in hand. You need one to practice the other for a long period of time.
For myself I often find myself falling into the trap of indifference.- I get it. Caring without attachment vs not caring at all. Is the problem with indifference that you would stop living or engaging with your life. Whereas detachment let you engage in happy and sad moments but with a more balanced attitude.
‘let go’ of ego (letting go of ego here is not denying the ego only avoiding identifying (attaching) the sense of self to ego) Thus again we work for that which no work is required) – Can you really have a good life if everyone is identifying with their ego and working in their best interest. Like at work, let’s say I let go of my ego and take work from others as well, isn’t it against my best interest. I would be giving away from energy, no?
While we perform our tasks, one begins to notice when the inner state is influencing the outer experience Or when the outer experience is influencing the inner. – It is how you look at something that defines how you see it. If someone yells at me, it is because I chose to take it badly that I feel negative feelings, so I’ll let it go, it has happened already. I can see how indifference could creep in.
There is a saying Knock and the Door will open, Seek and you shell find. I would add that we can seek and we can knock and then we must wait at the door to open in its time. We ought not to try to open the door ourselves or force it open. – I understand this. I think I won’t find the door until I’m ready to open it, just like what you’ve quoted Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought
samyParticipantHi anita
Thank you for giving me so much of your time. I’ll slow down.
samyParticipantHi Peter
I wonder why is identifying with emotions bad? Or rather – how is not identifying with emotions good – you are then attached to your notion of being unattached, no? Constantly evaluating whether you are attached or not – is there peace in that? You will possibly let go of feelings, while still feeling them, but you must let them go? Just like I would unconciously identify with my feelings. You would now identify as not being your feelings. Are you really free then? Maybe I twisted what you were conveying too much. But what I getting to is, what does true detachment look like? ( After I wrote the next paragraph, I realize we are more balanced when we don’t identify with our emotions, so it’s a good thing. Just worrying about what true detachment is, is unproductive, it is not the point)
the Lion ate the rabbit out of hate or anger that would be a very different experience to the Lion eating the rabbit because Lions eat rabbits, as rabbits eat grass, as grass eat nutrients in the soil… – the only difference I see is that the Lion was not angry when it killed the rabbit. But did it change anything. If you are attached to whether or not emotions were the driving force – there is a difference. But I see your point. The Lion killing something anytime it is angry would be disastrous vs only when it must to survive. We are dangerous when we act focussed on our emotions, I will take that to heart and remember it.
Where do you learn your lessons from? Are there resources online I could use? I would love to be introduced to these concepts as well. This was very profound – I am my emotion, anger, and I act. Or I have experienced a emotion of anger and I act.
And My Actions did not succeed, I have failed, I am a failure, Life is unfair…. verses I had a experience, I am not the action or the result. Life Is as it Is and we engage with it as it is.And I’d like to learn how to ponder over this We work for that which no work is required – I have some thoughts around this but would love to know how to discover things over time.
samyParticipantHi anita
Your explanation makes sense, but I am not sure how to express my confusion. So, I will let it go for now. Serenity – feeling balanced, so in this case, making sense of things from a balanced place, so the thought process is clear and I can let go of things.
Will I feel better if I let things go? They always come back. Take comfort in that it will pass? I suppose holding on to things doesn’t help either, so let it go? The confusion starts again.
My joy is tempered, and when it does snow again, I will feel less anxious and not at all disappointed because I expected it to happen. Less joy now, less anxiety and disappointment in the future, in regard to snow. – I used to be like this. But for me, this was fear based. Fear of being sad again, so holding back on fully feeling joy.
apply it repeatedly, every time you notice a feeling, any feeling, and let me know how it goes, will you? – I will.
samyParticipantHi Peter
Detached (from the labels and such) AND engaged with ones truth. The challenge is that a such a detachment can easily become indifference. – when you engage with something, aren’t you attached to it anyways? I understand the words and their meaning, but I don’t understand how to practice, and I understand it is something like be calm and work for justice vs getting riled up. But how do you know you are coming from being detached or not? Not worrying about the outcome? What are you acting for then?
You’ll have to tell me what to take from the story. What I’m taking from it is the samurai realized the revenge was not his to take? I don’t know 🙂
samyParticipantHi Peter
You’ve cleared it up for me. . A Unitive awareness might experience the broken leg as it IS and not a Good or Bad Either Or…Essentially labelling things as good or bad vs just taking things as they are, in the now?
But if that is the case, is there room for morality? Harming others is bad, don’t we need to label it as such. This is what I’m struggling with. What do you accept and what do you label and dislike/ reject/ try to change.
samyParticipantHi Tommy
I understand your point about living in the present mindfully.
Karma is very complicated. Sometimes it has nothing to do with your actions. Your analogy is good. Your actions now determine your future. This may not apply to what Buddhism teaches, but from what I’ve been taught, I would push it further to say if the wind carried apple seeds into your yard and the rain watered it, you would still get an apple tree.
samyParticipantHi Tommy,
The story you wrote is one I read on quora just this morning, a couple of hours ago, when looking into how to deal with failures.
It concluded that you don’t know if a moment is really a failure.
It’s so interesting that I saw it again 🙂
What I take from it is life is a series of events – and you can choose how to look at each event, but since it already happened, you accept it and move on because you don’t know what the next moment holds. I suppose this would apply to failure/ sad events and success/joyous events.
samyParticipantHi Peter
The duality (ego) consciousness experiences life as suffering and joy. We tend to pay more attention to pain, fear and measure accordingly. I think the ego is there to protect us from other “egos”?. So pain is more intense than joy. It is more common to experience pain than joy because of that?
Life feeds off of Life = inevitable suffering. – I did not understand this.
I don’t understand what you mean by duality. Could it be similar to dvaitam – advaitam? You believe you and “god” or a higher power are the same vs you believe you can elevate yourself to “god”.?
I will go over your post again to respond to other parts. I am confused for now 🙂
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