Hi Anita

Not so much that she doesn’t take care of others but there are no concerns in the back of her head. My mom is completely fine but the past has a very long shadow on my future. I don’t feel free. The burden of earning, health. She doesn’t have as much baggage.

I also know I don’t know her life fully. If anything I know myself and that I’m carrying a lot. If I focussed on myself. I don’t want to feel so weak. I feel very weak.

He has since positioned himself as the senior rude and insulting in meetings. As though delays or mistakes justify that. It has eroded my confidence. I was already dealing with imposter syndrome. Now I just feel terrified of being an engineer elsewhere. And I envy him. He got his promotion here, is picking easier work. And I suspect being rude in meetings to control us while he gets away with less load. He doesn’t guide or lead. Just ask questions and it made me feel not enough.

I’m not fixing my family’s dysfunction but I’m carrying a lot of fear of the future. That I may never stabilize. In a place where I am respected and doing my job as it must be done. A lot of people have left or are leaving the team
The one good thing has been talking to the teammates. They echo the same sentiment of being disrespected, not guided but held accountable. That helped me leave otherwise I would stay trying to prove myself. But i also worry about finding a place where I’ll be ok. Worried i won’t.

His behaviour at work has helped make it easier to get over him. I regret the time I lost trusting him. Feel like he was just using me for boredom and getting work done. I worked a lot in the previous team. In this team, I was left to myself but at the same time the team is very political. I’ve taken a hit in multiple ways. Mental, physical health and again starting over in a new team.

I’m not good with being in this phase. I procrastinate. I don’t know how to be. But atleast I know and knew I can’t stay. The mental toll of his switch both personally and professionally. And the lack of support has pushed me out. This is not how I thought it would go.

About me not being the problem. It is back to that feeling of something being wrong with me that might be causing my life to go in these dark directions. I want to know that it’s not me. I want to see some light again. I don’t want to feel so unstable in life. Maybe the nature of the teams I’ve been in with him reinforced insecurity among all of us. Maybe walking away is all it needs. But I worry. I am senior now. No one to hand hold. Not that anyone did. But even when he was not nice to me I had him. And in life I feel that isolation of constantly trying to arrive at something. But the fear never settled

I don’t think most people carry this much self doubt and fear. I want to know how not to. Most of my worries are still around me. Having to face the pain of bad health in me or family, no room for ease, not being a good lead in the new team. And also not knowing the what to make of my life.

Girija

Hi Anita,

I don’t know what mis-attunement means.

I had gone over all my threads as well. And this year I realized that it is the same loop. Fear of job, fear of being too ugly. But underneath it all this year I faced the true fear underneath it all. I am afraid of life and carry a belief that there is a fundamental incompetence in me that might mess my life up.

I was practically addicted to him because he gave me an escape. The way he looked at me like I was adorable and intriguing. Work didn’t feel dead or like maintenance. Rating honestly never mattered to me. But therein lies the catch. I used to treat work like being chased by a bear. Stop and you’re dead. Not even over working there were days or weeks when I would just freeze and procrastinate. I can now see that I was in a cage of fear. And he just made me feel better about being in that cage. I suspect I’ve always been depressed due to this fear.

My mom also got cancer for the second time. It wasn’t a recurrence but a diff type early stage in 2025. Surgery was enough.

But that adds to the fear. That life will always throw horrible stuff at me. And it makes me envious of others. Those that get the small problems. For instance the other girl may have been heartbroken as well when he distanced himself but within months got married. Only person she needs to take care of is herself. Life hasnt beaten her down like me.

Optimism for me is an experiment despite overwhelming evidence that too many horrible things happen too frequently to me.

I now have the strongest of desires to live the best life meant for me. I don’t know how one figures that out. Is it by the way we feel Anita. I was suffocating in the previous team. So i moved teams. If the next one doesn’t work out because now with AI we are being overworked. I will move again. I wonder if that is the best life. Trusting I’m not the problem. The right place will help me fix any gaps without feeling distraught. Because so many people travel, marry, aim for the career ladder. I have no intrinsic pull. That does scare me. If I make it to old age I don’t want to regret this life

Girija

Hi Roberta

I understand what you are saying. It is to slow down and give myself time to respond. And be intentional in how I respond or act. I will follow that. I have a habit of zooming past the day with a couple of things occupying my mind. And I am possibly reacting to things on the surface level due to a lack of space in my head to process the present moment.

Girija

Hi anita

I don’t feel like I am putting on a show when I’m angry. But I am not really talking about feelings. I still think personality is the word for it. I don’t know how else to describe it. Some people are quiet, others are talkative. It is pretty consistent. For me it doesn’t feel so. I can’t figure out who I am in that sense. What is the true expression of me in this world. Am I truly empathetic? assertive? humble? I can’t figure this out. And as I’ve said earlier, this seems important to me. I want to feel like I am here, this is me. But it feels like I have no grounding.

Your analysis is spot on. I have often felt that my lack of interests is because of how pathetic my parents were in treating us as individual human beings. Now as you’ve said it must be the explanation for my personality as well.

I’ve been trained to survive this life. So personality is another tool to survive. Everything is a tool for my life to go forward. Doesn’t matter what I am paying to survive. Survive as per the terms set by them.

I think there’s just apathy from me at this point. Everyone is just a person. Just another person. They will matter or my interactions with them only matter if I care. I could simply stop caring about anything that was said or being said and it won’t matter anymore. But unfortunately, I wasn’t taught that. So people’s opinions also mattered for my survival. Until I realized it didn’t. I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. As I live, the layers will peel away.

I wonder what SEEing is though. I can’t see myself.

I’ll always remember you too, you’ve had a big impact on him and I respect your intentions of helping people here.

It is interesting that MIRRORS were the highlight of your post.

Girija

Hi anita

Thanks for the feedback. I’m still figuring out who I am. I don’t know if I am a serious person, or a funny person. Am I warm or cold. There is no right or wrong. But I don’t know who I am. Who would I be in a vacuum? What are social interactions bringing out of me? I am mostly a reaction to and a product of the people around me. I am who I think they want me to be. Or I am who I want to prove myself to be. I am not me. None of this feels like me. I want to find my zone. Where I feel myself, just being, feeling complete. I want to make decisions from that place. Where my life feels in sync with me.  I can then figure out where I want to go or what I want to do. Who I need to be has taken away so much from me. Who am I without that. This is the next step. I feel normal because I am normal to me. I may not be normal to others. I don’t want to be anything, but myself. And I don’t want to be anything for anybody.

Girija

Hi anita

I am doing well. How are you?

Girija

Hi anita

Thank you so much for this post. I always said I have anxiety, but almost like it is a personality trait and not a disorder that can be treated. I never looked at my thoughts and feelings as symptoms. I just decided that’s who I am. You and I have spoken about professional help before but the clarity I have now is amazing.

I am scared of speaking about myself to a professional but I will do it. I wish I didn’t have to. When I know it is treatable, I should get to that quickly. Thanks a lot!

Girija