Dear anita,

Yes, my mother is c- free! I don’t want to jinx it. She has check ups every 6 months. The next is coming up. I am very nervous. I will keep praying for everything to be fine.

Thank you for taking the time to read the other thread again. I will be 27 this year. My grandmother is staying with my aunt, she went a couple of weeks back. She will stay there for a couple of months. There was no helper since the pandemic started.

You are right, my childhood has affected my brain. But I am afraid I won’t find people for the healthy supportive social interactions. You are right, my “tail” wags often but I quickly realize the other person does not care. I don’t think I will meet a dog with it’s tail wagging. I am not saying I’m special but people don’t function like me. It’s mostly just superficial fun or give-and-take. I find myself more drained after social interactions. With even some wonderful people I met at work who I still keep in touch with and we go for walks often. All my new interactions and experiences are built on top of my underlying (I don’t know how to describe it) “self”. I hate that self now. I’ve had enough of always being anxious and scared and unfulfilled. I want to wipe it out and start fresh. I feel exhausted.

I am not fishing for sympathy but I am ugly by societal standards and I won’t easily find love. Most people are not looking to love or find love. They have other standards I won’t meet. In this reality, where I will not find love and most relationships are superficial, I’m afraid I can’t rely on others for healing. But at the same time, I don’t know how to heal which is why I am asking for a miracle that someone comes along and wipes everything out and loves me.

Coming back to this thread, I am feeling really slow and dysfunctional. I am never able to reach the “finish line” and I know I’ve clearly answered that question for myself in my previous replies for why it happened. But I want to know how to fix this. How to be normal. Every new thing I do sucks because of how abnormal my brain is. I want to change that.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by samy.

Hi anita!

It’s so good to talk to you again. You probably won’t remember me but I gave you my name back then so I will use it. This is Girija. I hope you are doing well. The threads are still there, I found them. I show up as Anonymous, inactive. I used the same email to create both the accounts, I don’t see an option to reactivate my old account. Would you know where to get that option? Or maybe I could reply on that with the new account?

I am ashamed of that thread for how it ended. I disappeared without saying anything, but you were so helpful there and I am grateful for that. My conclusion that my problems are beyond the external came from my interactions with you and my own introspections after I left tinybuddha. I couldn’t handle exploring my problems then and simply quit. I am very sorry for doing that. I couldn’t handle it. I left without saying bye or a thanks, I’m very sorry about that. I read that thread now and see how resistant I was to look at the source of my problems. I feel terrible about it.

You are right I don’t want to take the pain anymore. Honestly, I am not sure if I can either, I am worried I’ll get a heart attack or stroke.

I’ll bring back the thread with the new account, if you are ok with that, it’s called “Advice for the lost and weary”.  When I do, I am worried you will see who I am and not reply and I can understand that. I am sorry again. I will reply on it with this account. I will own up to my mistake. And I know, I can’t expect you to forgive me, so I won’t but please know I am sorry. Thank you for helping a stranger. You were there on the thread to talk to even through my mother’s surgery. Thank you!

I’ve been to counselling but it did not work out. I needed a space where I did not want somebody saying everyone has good and bad. I already know that and acknowledge it but knowing someone is also good does not help with this pain, it makes me feel guilty or wrong for feeling this way.

Girija