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Hi anita
When I initially said putting my feelings aside, I meant guilt and fear like you asked me to. If I was being objective what would my options be. But your interpretation is accurate as well. I have been putting aside specifically, her hope and desire for a better life for herself.
your parents do not give you emotional support, nor do they want it from you, best I understand. – I think this too. What I am afraid I will be taking from them is someone you cares for them. Not just in feeling but action. If my mom gets sick, my dad will not bother, she will have to take herself to the hospital and that scares me. I have thought of a solution for this. I could check in by phone every now and then and I could reach her in a couple of hours. I suppose I’m mainly scared of them having emergencies. I will think of more solutions for this.
I think that the closeness you feel to your mother is a one-sided closeness. She will be okay if you move out and live elsewhere, as long as you send her money if and when she needs it – As long as her health is good, yes, she will be fine.
I found the word I was looking for – negligence – that If I left her behind knowing how incompetent my father is, anything that goes wrong would be because of my negligence.
I do want to put my needs first. But I am the only one not doing that. And to a degree my mom doesn’t either. As I mentioned she does most of the house work, my sister and I help when we can when we aren’t working, but not always in all honesty. If even I were to leave putting myself first, she would still be left in the house doing all the work but no one to look after her. I feel like a villian when I think about doing that.
I think that the relationship between you and your mother is very common: it’s another story of one-sided love and loyalty, a story of unrequited love of an adult-child for her mother.- The reason it is not so clear with my mother is she is very push and pull. Despite being 26, I still don’t know if she loves me or not. Sometimes I feel like she cares for me and other times I don’t. I do think she has used me though. So it doesn’t matter if she loves me, I can love her too from a distance. I am just scared of causing harm to her. This is why I feel I won’t live peacefully if I leave. Not because of closeness.
Girija
Hi anita
because air does not stay contained in any one particular neighborhood, city or country… because smoke and pollution in the air spread everywhere, then the rich and privileged have to breathe the same smoke filled, polluted air, just as the poor and unprivileged. The rich will breathe the air until it is not too bad for them. The day a billionaire or his children are bothered by the air they breathe, they will do whatever it takes to feel better. We don’t feel the poor air quality to the point of suffering, so no one takes it seriously. However, try to set up a factory or a dump site in a rich locality, see how it goes. The real pollutants are always geographically closer to the poorer ppopulations.
but if the poor people are sick and dying, who will produce and deliver food to the rich, in their fancy homes…Who will serve them? –The caste system in India is a great precedent and deep dive into human behaviour. To what point can you segregate into classes for one class to live in comfort. There were supposed to 4 main divisions, but lo and behold – we have subcastes within each caste. On the sites my mom creates marriage profiles for me, some subcastes don’t want to mingle with others because they are lesser. Even among the rich, there is a poor guy – poorer rather. He will service the rest. Maybe that’s why we feel like we’ve never earnt enough money. You never know when you will be the poorest person in the room, and we know money is the only value we have in capitalism
immediate financial profit, – this sometimes bring quick innovation and development too. Take the vaccines for example. It is selfish, but that is the way we’ve organized ourselves – left many a people behind because they bring no monetary value or refused to give people a chance to build their materialistic wealth throughout history – slavery, casteism. These were all devoid of empathy or unity. They were evil snd abusive. A society built on top of such an environment is naturally not ethical. The values it espouses are of looking for the very immediate financial benefit you mentioned, whether you are rich or poor. The only difference being the damage a rich person does is exponential larger and the positive impact they can bring is also just as large because of the resources they have. But positive impact is not what drives us. On top of this, there is no real punishment for exploitation. The rich get away. This is the society our ancestors built. This is our karma. We are suffering the consequences
Thank you for the compliment.
Girija
Hi anita
it’s fear, isn’t it, based on the delusion that if you stop worrying about something (which you cannot change), you will lose control and bad things will happen. – Yes, you nailed it! Fear that if I let it go, it will come back and hurt me in an unexpected way. And I took time to understand why. I think it comes from my parents. I always felt like I had to keep an eye on adult matters, at school I used to pretty much tell my mom what she had to do or say with my teachers and my dad used to not come at all. Even though I didn’t know how because I wasn’t really an adult. But at the same time, I was expected to do well at school. So I had no support but all the expectations. I am repeating that at work, even if there is no support, expectations from them are okay and I need to meet them. Even if it is expectations I have set for myself. I go through this with my mom’s health as well and you may find this strange but it has to do with fear that if I don’t pray to God that my mom has been hurt enough and she deserves a good life now, he’ll give her health problems.There is fear that if I let go, there will be some kind of backlash whether it is with health or work.
But ultimately my childhood taught me to look ahead. I can’t really live in the present moment because my childhood didn’t give me that chance. It was always – look ahead, predict how things could go wrong and they were usually things I couldn’t change but it felt like if I didn’t think about it, nobody else was and we would be doomed. I have the fear that I need to make sure I know all possibilities because life was going to hurt us.
(1) Finding something new to be anxious about is the nature of anxiety for every person who is significantly anxious, (2) Focusing on the sensations of the body is like taking an elevator down from the abstract/ overthinking brain => to the concrete sensations of the body, from the abstract to the concrete: it lessens anxiety when you do that because anxiety and overthinking go together. – Yes, in fact, when I notice the sensations, I am bringing my brain back which is otherwise all over the place and I wouldn’t even remember how I got there.
Thanks for appreciating my mentoring, I wish I could do more but I don’t think it is safe.
I am editing to add, I was consistently disappointed by my parents’ inability to make us feel safe and it now has me unable to believe that life can be good and trust anyone with taking control. But at the same time, I think it has affected my ability to function and exhausted me, hence this topic and how it started.
Girija
