Wow, my insobriety was obvious through posts. How far I have fallen!
I assure you today so far I’m 100% sober. Thank you for the advice, I don’t want to give it up entirely. I enjoy the social aspect of it and I’m young but I don’t want to make it a crutch. Luckily my friends and crowd are a lot more mature than me so they’ve been encouraging me to ditch the booze too. Interestingly my best friend said to me therapy is a worthwhile avenue she was saying “Sammy, what were you missing in your life to not be able to let go of someone who doesn’t even deserve you and actually would disappoint you again and again. In the end he walked away and you still thought it should be retrieved” Hearing that was hard but she’s right I need to identify what I was missing within myself to not realise sooner and walk away. Sometimes I think was I just blinded by love? Should I be so concerned in finding out the intricacies of it all. I don’t know.

Well done on you to overcome the addictions must have taken a lot of strength and courage because of you using alcohol especially for intimacy. That’s a huge hurdle to overcome! What made you want to seek a relationship again? You know not many men do the work on themselves, that is very admirable. It is why you were able to become emotionally available again and open to rejection. I don’t think I’m there yet but your current partner obviously saw that potential and strength in you so your lucky! Don’t be a jackass and mess the second chance up. I hope it goes well, you deserve a break after reading your background.

You’re right I’m in a rush to just come out the other side without working through all the emotions. The tiredness or becoming weary you described in earlier posts is starting to hit im tired of constantly feeling unhappy and down on myself for my choices. I’ve signed up for a online course to work on some skills related to my job which will hopefully make me a stronger candidate for promotion. It will be a welcome goal and distraction.

The whole emotional intelligence thing really spoke to me. My ex was a nightmare to communicate with. I’d never want that in a serious relationship again. Recipe for disaster if your partner can’t even communicate!! He couldn’t understand (or didn’t want to) how things affected me. After the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship, looking back i realise he was very selfish, at first I had him on such a pedestal but I see that now everything was on his selfish terms. When we had date night, future plans would only be discussed if he wanted to, I would organise things, our relationship never progressed even though we lived together. He was happy with minimal effort and responsibility. So why was I so desperate to retrieve this relationship every time we split. Why?

Thanks Tim for taking out the time. Your experience putting it midly, sucked! Reading you overcame and are stronger is helpful though. Also good to read you are in a better relationship, you’ve done the work on yourself and deserve to be in a relationship where you are made to feel secure and loved.

You are absolutely right, my self esteem has been shattered. It happened somewhere during our relationship as I fell hopelessly in love and became blind to the facts. I’m trying to regain my confidence and belief in myself back. I feel I have done well but this month and things returning to normal after the covid -19 lockdown was a bit overwhelming, what do I do? Where do I go next?

It was very hard on the anniversary date, moreso because I think about all the time I had wasted or poured into trying to make that relationship work when i could have avoided it as all the signs that it was not right for me were there. Thank you for the alcohol advice, i had a one drink at the pub but the lack of social distancing was enough to make me turn away and head home. As I walked, I was tempted to buy a bottle but self control kicked in. I cried and then cried some more but it was good to let it out as I hadn’t cried since the initial week of the breakup.

I’m actually grateful in a sense that I’m not trying to cling to hope that he will have an awakening and we will get our happy ever after. I think the reality of the situation has sunk in. I could keep trying and he may even come back but he never fully chose me, even if he did by some miracle have an epiphany given the number of times he disappointed me, the thought would always be there, he could leave at anytime when things got crap. Throughout the years, even though we discussed our future, had a great physical connection and enjoyed each other’s company, it wasn’t enough he never took the responsibility of being in a relationship seriously and adapted to thinking for two. He never did the work to want to go into deeper territory. So he was selfish. However I still miss him, every morning not waking up to his leg over me. The coffee next to my bedside table. Him leaving the seat up in the loo etc. Those things became my normal.

I lost not only him but myself, he was such a big part of my daily life having lived together I feel like I’ve forgotten who I was before him. I have blocked him completely but even then no attempt was made by him on our anniversary date so that stung. This person I dedicated so much of myself didn’t take the leap and love me enough to fight for me, he is carrying on.

So despite it being hard I have reached a small victory, I finally had enough control to say no more I will not contact him even if i miss him. The onus to reach out was on him as he was the one who rejected or failed to accept and love me for who I am. He clearly doesn’t so I have recovered enough self worth to not be desperate to run back to an unfulfilled relationship.

I just don’t know how to move forward. I fear how this will affect my future relationships. I fear I’ll never be in a relationship again. I fear the intimacy. I fear living my life as an old loner with nothing.

@Genie it was so lovely to hear from you. Thank you for the advice, I’m trying to stay motivated. It is incredibly tough. Your story has given me a lift to read and it’s wonderful you are doing so well now. I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to write back to me. I hope things with your partner and family continue to move in a positive direction. I was hoping to hear from the rest too especially @shelbyville because her experience really spoke to me, but I suspect I’ll never know how their stories ended. I was also going to post on your thread after reading @Adelaide1 and @michelle responses, they both were so insightful. However they too have not logged in for a while! Where and how are you all?

@Tim your contribution, I really sympathise with your experience and would love to engage, especially because it’s a male perspective. I went through something very similar with my ex, I thought towards the end he was going to finally propose. Little did I know the rug was going to pulled out from under me making me crash hard!

Just going to do a quick recap, don’t want to rehash the past on a new thread. So a few days before lockdown began, my ex ended it after 4 years together. We had been on/off several times hitting the same wall..no commitment from his end. The fear of it ending was always there but it still hit me hard and I turned to drink. This thread and my best friend turned it around and I began to see things differently and as a blessing. I just feel now life is beginning to return to normal, I feel very hollow and tempted to hit the bottle again as I don’t know which direction my life is going, I sense a loss of control. It is also approaching our 5th anniversary and I’m scared I will fall backwards because it is always easier to go back then to accept/let go, but I don’t want to be sucked into that again. It was not the right relationship for me. What do I do next? I feel a little lost.

I’m hoping anyone will reply just so I don’t feel so confused.

@shelbyville

@michelle

All I can say is I’m sorry, I feel my words were a catalyst for you both withdrawing. I do agree the general principle points of there being underlying avoidance but the main thing I can agree with @genie is that this is your thread @shelbyville.  If we have made you feel uncomfortable and you have lost a safe place to rant or vent then that’s not fair.

I know I have grit and excellent support to guide me irl outside of this thread so  I’m more than happy to stop posting in this thread. I feel @shelbyville it’s been a source of steadiness amongst the chaos of your life so you deserve to have that with people you resonate with.

Don’t feel aggrieved I do think everyone on this thread had very well made points and it’s natural to want to read a happy ending for the original character in a book. So much latch on to that they forget each person requires their own time. Just reflect and enjoy your own thread without us newbies overwhelming you. Please do not withdraw, everyone needs help in life so vent and rant without feeling judged.

I wish you all a hopefully wonderful remaining 2020 and wonderful futures x

@shelbyville I just realised this thread was started in 2018 not last year. How long has it been then since you felt like this? I’m not being judgemental but rather feel gutted someone is suffering the pain I feel right now for so long yet I’m starting to turn things around…what can we do to help you?.maybe you should try dropping your therapist(that’s a lot of money and your self worth is still not great because you still keep going back) I feel like you would be better off on focusing on words of those who love you they may resonate more as sometimes they are harsh but the push needed whereas a therapist will draw things out slowly which can be the last thing needed for someone who needs to let go. You need something like a cold bucket of water over you effect to make you feel alive again and ready for new changes or challenges. So how can we help?

Thank you @genie. I know it isn’t going to be smooth sailing but I have to accept the situation for what it is, if I want to move forward. I will definitely be on here if I need help as it’s been so helpful to me. Thankfully I have a great support network, my friend and her husband have been superstars.

@doseofreality your message did initially make me feel ashamed but in a good way. It humbled me and it spoke to my conscience. I needed a shake or kick up the arse to move on with life.

I kept going down the same road again and again being hurt by the same person. I now realise i do love him but moreso it was fear of not believing I could find it again with someone else this is because I don’t believe in myself so I desperately tried to fix the situation because I had planned my whole future with him even though he wasn’t the right person. My needs were not met. I met his because I bent over backwards trying to appease him. We weren’t on the same page and didn’t have the communication between us to get there. I wasn’t accepted in the way I accepted him and that’s ok , it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I realise now it’s a dead end and not the right relationship for me, it hurts deeply to lose something or one you love but I am wasting my life in something clearly not meant for me or good for me. Love is meant to bring you security and acceptance of who you are. This realization has become more clear from the crisis we all face and from your thoughts shared. It is time for change and I want to leave this earth content in what I had and living a more meaningful life and not wasted. First action is to not look back. So I’ve said my goodbye by leaving him a voicemail and deleted his social media, I have blocked and deleted his phone number so he doesnt contact me and I don’t reopen the same chapter. I have discarded his gifts and boxed up his remaining belongings to be couriered when the lockdown lifts. After 4 years, 4 break ups I have finally accepted it is not healthy for me or him. This was painful for me to do but the biggest step I could take.

I miss him greatly we lived, woke up next to each other for 4 years but I refuse to sit with these thoughts and fantasise. As soon as it comes I acknowledge it’s over and it was good but not good enough for me. I remind myself of the fact it nearly drove me to suicide that thought alone is enough to cut out the reminiscing. How can something healthy lead you there?

With guidance which I have from family, this forum (thanks to @shelbyville )and my best friend I will try to stay on the right road and rebuild and value the short time we have on this earth and surround myself with people who are better for me and love me wholly for who I am. I have given up alcohol and been sober since my last binge. I will continue this as I don’t want to become an addict to alcohol to replace the addiction I had to him. I have started a journal. Each day I jot down my thoughts, goals and what I can do to change it.

I don’t know if you will ever read this. I gather you didn’t want sympathy so I wish you well in the remainder of your life and I hope you realise your message inspired me and I will put effort in to follow through, thank you and all the best x