Hi Javier,

Just checking in.

So I’m seeing you are struggling. So let me express what I’ve gone through and how I’ve gotten through it.

I struggled with severe mental illness as bipolar for many years, worsening when I was 25 in 2015. I was hospitalized twice (once the first time and secondly after a relapse years later).

I’m finally on the right meds. It’s a true miracle.

But for a while, I started waking up each morning cringing in shock at all I had been through. My therapist called this PTSD.

I had to let the shock of it subside overtime. I couldn’t get rid of it right away.

I had to not react to my mind. My inner critic was lying to me as it is lying to you. I had to just let it happen and not judge my process of healing.

You are feeling so many negative things. I understand that. I was just there myself! I was waking up cringing and feeling depressed each morning.

But it got better.

It gets better.

You’re going through the worst of it right now. It will get  better. So don’t react to your mind right now. It’s freaking out. It’s  PTSD. It’s trauma. It’s catastrophizing.

Mindfulness is a great tactic to overcoming this stuff. But it’s also human to be afraid. You don’t have to fix yourself overtime.  Have self-compassion.

You’re not alone, and things are never hopeless. You hit rock bottom with your recent suicide attempt. You’ve been given a second chance at life.

We are here for you, but it’s up to you if you’ll let the light in.

It’s up to you to find what makes you smile or laugh.

It’s up to you to take deep breaths while going through panic attacks.

It’s up to you to listen to your inner voice not your inner critic.

It’s up to you to take this advice and follow any resources given.

It’s up to you have faith.

That’s what it comes down to.

Faith in yourself and whatever you believe in.

You have a purpose. Your purpose might show itself through your pain.

I was grieving someone and I turned my grief into a story line of my young adult fiction novel that I’m writing. I also turned it into an article that I’m still writing. In my sadness, lines just came to me that captured my emotions and gave me wisdom and meaning.

Your intuition tells you a lot. I think you are doing better than you think.

Stop reacting to your thoughts. Just observe them. Let them pass. You need to separate yourself from your mind with mindfulness. Nothing you do will work until you do.

Sarah

Javier

Im so sorry. I hope the psych ward can help. I’ll be praying for you. Thank you for not acting on these feelings this time.

Sarah

Linarra

Im glad you liked my articles and will look at the resources at your own pace! I know you can make it through this.

Sarah

How to Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera https://www.amazon.com/dp/1409197743?psc=1&smid=A21D2M03J7WM89&ref_=chk_typ_imgToDp

I just ordered it for myself. I recommend ordering it too. Maybe we can read it at the same time. Since antidepressants haven’t worked for you this has holistic ways to help too.

God loves you. You don’t have to do anything to earn that love.

Listen to Mercy Me. They have changed my life and brought me closer to God.

Keep journaling.

You are having panic attacks which are perfectly normal given your situation. You just survived a suicide attempt and more. Viktor Frankl holocaust survivor says “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal event is a normal reaction.”

What you need are some self soothing techniques. Can you think of any that might help you?

google cognitive distortions and identify the ones you are having. Ask the following- what evidence is there for this thought? Is it based in reality or emotion? Am I thinking in black or white terms or can it be gray? See if you can challenge your thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy.

Then think- what is the worst case scenario that can happen? What is the best? What is the in between or most likely to occur?

Write an unsent letter to your family.

Lastly on one side of a piece of paper, write to your inner child. On the other side record your inner child’s responses.

listen to Mercy Me. Trust me! These things will change you.

I’m proud of you for this attitude! I know you can do it. Have faith. Let me know how the journaling goes. And God never left you. You’ve been saved for a reason. You’ll find that things aren’t so bad when you live for purpose or something greater than yourself. That’s what I do! It’s why I am doing well. It’s why I’m still here too.

Javier,

Even though it’s all awful right now, I am so thankful you are alive and not in a vegetative state.

I’m still proud of you for coming to this forum and self-advocating even when you feel like you are nothing. Again, you are not alone.

I am hoping this gives you perspective to never attempt again, especially knowing the risks of what it will do to your family, yourself and the world losing your spark.

If you can regain composure and think of wisdom from this experience for later, you can help countless souls who are going through the same things.

I too have had suicidal ideations and one almost attempt in high school. Life is unfair sometimes and just awful. It’s not your fault that you are feeling this way. So many are.

My only advice is self-compassion. You are soooo hard on yourself (and your family doesn’t help that). It’s okay to love yourself through this. It’s okay to see your goodness. It’s okay to see your potential. It’s okay to live life again and have hope again and know this is a second chance.

I’m proud of you even though it’s been this hard.

You are going to make it.

Sometimes, you will feel like this again. It might come back. I want you to tell someone if it does. I want you to go to the psych ward if you are tempted again.

In the meantime, cry. Feel. Heal. Be. Surrender. Love yourself.

You are not your circumstances. You are your character.

You are enough, even though you think are nothing.

You are someone. I care very much about the next chapter of your life, that you find stability. I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you for some time. I knew something happened, I just knew it. Thank you for coming back to us.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Sarah

Linarra,

I should have mentioned reiki (and anything ASMR) is rather awkward. Try this one instead, it’s more soothing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yX5Ztq1qkY&t=1890s

I too have had struggles gaining compassion from people, including authority figures so I understand. I feel compassion for you though! And I’m sure the right people will feel the same. 🙂 You deserve compassion. Kristin Neff can further help you develop self-compassion. I have this workbook of hers. https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Workbook-Yourself-Strength/dp/1462526780/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=kristin+neff+workbook&qid=1627783789&sr=8-3

Self- Massage tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=s2c4L6ovffg

Inner child meditation (If I didn’t send already): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2OfD00e6Tk

I agree, meditation is a hit or miss for me too. Sometimes, I get real into it and other times I can’t focus. I think the one minute mindulness trick is a good start for just meditating in SOME way each day. That way you can incorporate it even when you don’t feel like it most of the time. Ground yourself with your senses- smell, taste, touch, sight and sound.  Here’s the Wheel of Awareness meditation by Dan Siegel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODlFhOKahmk

This is an article I wrote on the concept of surrendering: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-i-saved-myself-by-surrendering-when-everything-fell-apart/

In sum, that I mean by surrendering is to let go of control and embrace the unknown. For me, it’s spiritual. For anyone though it is just releasing need to control the outcome and allowing what it to come. Instead of giving up, surrender instead.

I have a Forbes article on it as well here: https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2020/06/24/how-to-let-go-of-fear-worry-and-indecision/?sh=76a26b4f7834

As for being stuck, it’s hard. I get it. Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed is a book where she gives advice to people pulling the best ones from her advice column. There’s a chapter on her explaining how she once tried to  help young abuse victims get out of their abusive homes. The system was broken though and there was more money for runaways. She wanted to give them hope but realistic hope. She told them to hold onto whatever good they could and know that one day they could make their own life, even if they were stuck for now. It was sobering advice because she knew she couldn’t help all of them.

Here are some short excerpts: https://www.bustle.com/p/the-15-best-dear-sugar-columns-to-read-when-you-need-a-dose-of-compassion-inspiration-8849833

Here is her column in general: https://therumpus.net/author/sugar/

I’ve given you a lot to look over. Don’t feel like you have to at all or even have to do it right away.

Lastly, I hope you know I am happy to talk to you through all this as long as you need. While we don’t know each other, you are not alone.

Sarah

Watch this film. It’s called the Gift of Trauma. https://wisdomoftrauma.com/movie/?fbclid=IwAR1oKGyFVOg9ka0BXb7zw3YM3pLPI9BA02KAIbwAGkphFmJuRpEd2XqDxeI

Try this link if that doesn’t work: https://wisdomoftrauma.com/movie/

I’m watching it now. It’s very powerful. I’m not sure how long it stays free. It might be triggering though.

I’m glad you found Kristin Neff. Her resources are very helpful. Her books and workbooks are good too. I have one of her workbooks.

I’m so sorry you are being abused by your mom. This is horrible. And you feel stuck there.

I have no words for what you are going through and can’t imagine what it must be like. I feel so horrible for you. I wish I could say something to make it better but all I have to truly offer is that you’re not alone in this.

It’s not your fault that she’s abusing you. You did nothing wrong or to deserve it.

If it gets bad, there are hotlines and resources on Tiny Buddha’s free resources page.

I can’t give legal advice or tell you how to handle this situation in the eyes of the law, but it’s good to have a plan should she do things again. Be a step ahead.

If you can appeal to her, do that. Don’t fight fire with fire in the moment or trigger her. Try to distance yourself.

It may come in waves. She might act out then go back to normal often.

Share your pain with someone in your life. Talk to them. Talk to a therapist now. I can’t help you with the abusive situation but a therapist might have more resources and ideas. It’s creating new trauma and retraumatizing you.

I’m again so sorry you’re going through all this.

I have a narcissistic parent as well. I have an abusive past with boyfriends traumatizing me. I’ve been raped. I’ve been poor and struggled. But I’ve never been hit by a parent. I don’t know what that trauma is like and don’t know how I would handle that. I don’t think I could. I know what it’s like though to feel lost and lonely and confused and upset. I’m here for you. You are NOT alone in this.

You’re so proactive, it amazes me. Most people would be like “yeah I’ll check it out” and never do. You are actually helping yourself and reading stuff and learning about life.

I don’t have any other books or resources besides the movie I mentioned.

I wish I could help more. I see now why the positivity trick isn’t working. My trauma is all in the past. Yours is presently still unfolding. I see now why it worked for me and not for you.

What would you tell someone else in your position? start there. Self-compassion. That’s the best I can come up with.

Sarah