Dear Tee,

Yes, definitely. It’s important whom we surround ourselves with. But also, if sometimes we can’t avoid dealing with nasty or demanding people – to have boundaries to protect ourselves from them.

Yes but I’ll have to think how to create boundaries with my family. I’m already not living with them, and it’s been they aren’t interfering (which I prefer) They are supportive when I say I want to do this, I want to do that. They be like do what you think is right just go on wrong/dishonest way (because they are sure I wouldn’t) Yet I still like they do treat me like a kid as well? and I talked this about my friend, and she said No matter what age are you, You’ll always be the kid of your parents so they’re going to be overprotective about some things…So I can’t really deny her either

Nice! Are some of those female friends also your work colleagues?

Yes two of them are my work colleagues.

Or that the boss would lose his respect for you (because you would seem weak and incompetent)? Or something else?

I think maybe for this. Because I feel like It would hurt the image that I created at workplace. Because I think respect is something you have to earn so…
But for an experiment just today I said No for a small task because I wasn’t really interested in doing that. So I said No
But so far I’m feeling okay with that

Because I think it’s a bit like parenting – you don’t force other siblings to praise their younger brother or sister. It’s the responsibility of the parents. Because if you force other siblings to do it, they might start feeling jealous and resentful towards their younger sibling. So it might backfire and not be good for the team spirit. But if you, as the team leader, praise the newcomer, and also praise everyone who is doing their best – I think that’s useful and productive.

At least that’s how I see it… tell me if you see it differently?

Hmm That’s another perspective to look at it. But I think I’m doing that because I want team members to feel closed to each other too. and mostly because guys wouldn’t show vulnerability (New or the current ones) it would be like a good starting point for them. There’s no must obligation but more like if they feel like it, they can do this as a friendly gesture. I just want to put this thing as naturally as possible.
I’m also having meeting this week with People because I think some of the old members (experienced employees) who are working in their role quite well for years they should get kind of performance bonus + appreciative gift for sticking with the company. Since it’s already December
What do you think? Should I make any changes? 

Many many years of working on myself did make me pretty self-aware, yes… but it was a long process, definitely not something that happened over night.

Yes it’s not a overnight thing. I do have to remind this to my impatient self.

Another thing I’m feeling anxious about like 2022 about to end. What significant things that I did or achieved. But I’m not able to see enough things

Dear Tee,
How was your weekend?

it could be that successful people are more open to getting help (i.e. to work on themselves), and that’s what makes them so successful! I am not sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it were true.
That could be right just yesterday I watched video on LinkedIn by Simon Senek how vulnerability could the greatest power in leadership position but it’s also right that creating an emotionally safe environment for your team it ain’t no easy work. But somehow, I’ll learn

I watched the video “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“.

Things I noticed like you said before I do have to surround myself with positive people. And I see that I do interact with positive people. Some of my friends gives me good vibes and even at work It’s going good. But the thing is that people everywhere taking criticism very seriously and praise very lightly that’s what I noticed and same thing is happening with me. So I’ve decided to start new thing for my team if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note (Even if just a small sticky note) to make that person feel like that did something good and it would cheer them. I’m working remotely but still I think I’d design little canva card just to be more informal way of appreciation. Because no matter what Email would look formal. Because these reminders are important for loud critical voices

Also with his daughter Olivia and sheep example he cleared that it’s all in our head. Which makes me remember the quote by Seneca “We suffer more in imagination than in reality”

And building neuroplasticity with practice – What’s your experience with that so far?

 it’s all about joking, sarcasm and trying to verbally outsmart each other. I am not saying all men are like that, but they are more prone to putting on a mask of a “tough, cool guy”, because that’s what they think is expected of them.

That’s more or less true and the thing is that my group is always like take everything down with smile, don’t say No (Which is like my biggest problem) because we feel like we should be capable of anything, and we shouldn’t disappoint people by Saying NO. Which is why I’ll watch video of Henry Cloud of How to create boundaries and let you know more about it

they think that showing vulnerability is weak and dangerous

Exactly that’s what I mean, so I’m trying to be more open and vulnerable with some of them (in IT we do alpha test like an MVP like testing something before it’s fully developed) So I’m just experimenting that does this can work or we guys just want to stick to this belief that we always have to be the tough, and vulnerability is weakness, and make them realize that it’s really not a sustainable belief and what you can call a growth mindset
Because yeah pretending would make us emotionally exhausted

(and maybe girls too)

Hmm actually I think women do have more EQ, because from my experience most of the female friends (not gfs) that I have they’re more open and vulnerable they trust in me, empathy, communication their way to express their selves can’t be even compared with my guy friends.
Although I do know some of the arrogant ones to who just to prove themselves that they’re right and others are wrong. But I mostly ignore those ones

Dear Tee,

Thanks for giving me a new perspective to see this in a different way because I was looking this matter as like because of this “I’m not enough ” and looking this more as more like a disease instead of looking how growth there is and how much I’m working on myself

and Yes you’re right thanks for another reminder that we are humans no matter the position and we all need help.

Dear Tee,
I’m glad you’re doing well
And yes, people around me does makes me feel like psychotherapy isn’t normal so I’m hesitant for that. I apologize if it showed up in different mannered way

In that environment, surrounded by such high expectations and such low tolerance for making a mistake, you put yourself (and were put by your parents) under a lot of pressure to perform. And you also adopted the belief that you’re not good enough if you’re not scoring all As all the time. Only total perfection would have been good enough, if that.

Over time, you’ve developed the inner critic, telling you that you’re a failure and not good enough. And so now, even though you’re doing considerably well and have professional success, you still can’t believe that you’re actually good enough. You still believe you’re that sloppy, underperforming boy who failed to reach perfection and failed to please his parents. A part of you still sees you as a failure. And as such, every success must be accidental – it’s not really your merit. Because in your own eyes, you’re not good enough.

That’s I think at the core of your imposter syndrome. And the way to treat is the same as treating your low self-esteem, perfectionism and other issues we’ve talked about so far. Change that internal talk, don’t listen to the inner critic, tell yourself kind, loving things. Tell yourself it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell yourself you’re good enough and worthy, even if you’ve made some mistakes in the past, and will still be making more mistakes in the future. We’re human, it’s in our nature to make mistakes.

You said well, and clear and I should remember this and work on the “Inner self critic”

empathy is when you don’t pretend that you understand the other person’s point of view, but that you truly try to understand it and put yourself in their shoes. The way you phrased it (it makes them think you’re on their side) can be interpreted as if you’re not really on their side, but only pretend to be, so you can build trust. Just wanted to clarify this – in case there was a misunderstanding.

Yes I know I got it

Dear Tee,
Hope you’re doing well

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

Yes. I did stop sarcasm in a harmful way. It’s been more than a week I think
I’ve watched both of the videos about the Empathy
Important thing I realized that it makes them think you’re on their side and it builds trust and how much important communication style is… And also think how would I feel?

And for anger
I found out that there is still some level of controlling behavior
Because of someone says No I can’t directly accept it. It really opened my eyes that it’s just my expatiations towards them. Also about making mistakes it’s the perfectionist inside of me that gets angry.
So it’s a signal and not a solution

I spent two hours on journaling this morning 😀

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

Yes I agree. That’s why today while meditating I tried to connect my inner child. And it did felt good. I think not just today but like I’m already connected with my innerself/child more or less because that’s why I rarely feel alone and very comfortable spending time with myself

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I like how simply you guide with step by step. Maybe I’ll try that…
Although nowadays I did start spending time with my neighbor’s little kid. and oh boy It’s really fun. and funny enough I do feel kinda caring father towards him. I’m teaching him how to ride a bicycle and it did give me water in the corner of my eyes time to time.
So does that counts?

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it.

Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.

Well as in INFJ + Aries it’s not really easy but yeah I’m trying and I’m lot patient than before

I’ve read that combing traits are great a visionary leader, but it can also present some challenges. Like struggle with self-doubt and insecurity, and find it difficult to trust own instincts and abilities, also have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to others, and may feel overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others

Dear Tee,
I’m glad you’re doing better.

you haven’t started trusted them suddenly, right? You were still afraid that maybe you shared too much and that they haven’t shared that much about their own weaknesses, which might put you in an unfavorable position.
You see? Their supportive reaction didn’t do anything to disperse that fear of yours and make you trust them more…

Yes you’re right and It does took time for me to start trusting them. I’m guessing I need to loosen up hard grip a bit more

No, not at all. Not everyone is well intentioned and have our best interest in mind. You don’t need to show too much vulnerability in professional settings. Or with acquaintances and people you only know superficially. Or even with some family members, with whom you don’t feel safe.

I totally agree

And you’d need to be open to listen to your partner if she has such worries herself, and empathize with her, without judgment.

Both of you would need to be free to be yourself in the relationship, i.e. to be authentic, without sugar-coating things, pretending, hiding parts of yourself, or walking on eggshells etc.

Yes, I think some of these are the things that I have work on for my romantic relationships

That would include feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, impatience, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings that you may have either towards yourself, your partner, or other people. I am not saying you have all those feelings, just that these emotions would be unacceptable for you to express to your partner, right?

Yes so expressing this kind of negative feelings I just don’t know how to do that well, I don’t feel comfortable and I just try being more sarcastic or just sugar-coat things maybe?

For example, you said you’ve been trying to be patient with your current girlfriend… but I can imagine it was hard for you, and you might have been trying to hide your anger and impatience? You didn’t want to show it, but yet, you felt it?

Yes, Exactly!

You’re still in the phase of looking for a suitable partner, right? And perhaps a suitable partner for you would be someone who shares the wanderlust, who likes to travel and hike and enjoys similar activities like you do. What I am trying to say is that having a deep, intimate relationship is not in contradiction with e.g. your love for adventure.

However, fear of emotional intimacy is indeed in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Those two don’t go together.

That does sounds nice, But I don’t really know what kind of person I want to be with or the fact if I want deep emotional intimacy with someone just yet. I just don’t feel like ready for it?

Anyway, I think the solution is in rewriting some key scripts from your childhood, i.e. saying what needs to be said to your parents.

I think I already did that in my childhood like not in front of my parents but l did that because I knew that it’s wrong but out of respect I wasn’t be able to tell them their mistakes

But I can try again in my imagination as you suggested

The above is called finishing the unfinished business. The best would be to do it in therapy, with a skillful therapist.

Okay I will do that. Probably from next month

(Don’t do it to your parents’ faces).

Obviously not.

The idea is to express what you need to express, feel all your emotions (including anger and hurt) and by doing that, put an end to the “old script”. The old script is where you just endured and accepted abuse silently, made excuses for your father, and pretended that all is fine in front of your mother.

Yes expressing these things aren’t easy for me but still I’ll try and hopefully finish this unfinished business and be strong and vulnerable at the same time.
you’re very understanding and insightful person. So thanks for your valuable insights, I highly appreciate it.🙏

And another thing is that I’m trying to love myself but I’m doubting myself too. Maybe that’s all these questions and confusion is there?

Dear Tee,

Right… so it seems to me that she felt inferior in your relationship, specially since you’ve never or rarely shared about your own weaknesses and vulnerability……………………… And you didn’t like that about her. So you stopped being attracted to her, and eventually left her. Does this roughly describe what happened?

Yes actually you guessed it very well.

 You did share some of your “imperfections” and self-doubts. And how did they respond to that?

They both were supportive and trying show me the bright side. But even though I felt like I was being too much vulnerable with them and they’re kind of not that much open? But that may could be also because I told them about my complaining thing

You said that you start feeling trapped very soon after the initial elation about the girl. So when you shared those weaknesses or yours, being authentic, several months into the relationship – at that point did you already start feeling trapped in the relationship?

Hmm I mean I feel trapped after there is good bond. I know good enough about her and she knows good enough about me and then there’s this commitment you know like okay you both love each other and now you’re couple and then this fear of commitment and fear if we’re really good for each other.. about the future.. It just comes and starts to eat up my mind from everywhere and it makes me feel stuck…
So because of this fear of commitment and etc I talked to my friends and they told to go for casual things.. And I’m still confused if that’s really for me or not because I need to feel connected as well but without too much attachment…
Finally just tired and I’m just more focused on work