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Shipp

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  • November 12, 2016 at 4:25 am in reply to: How Strong is the Desire for Happiness? #120154
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Nan,

    Something that I very recently discovered for myself … and you are welcome to borrow it..is “this is MY life!”. I only get ONE.

    There comes a point that you know that enough is enough. It’s over and done. The time to move on, and the chance for your own happiness, is Now. Don’t put off your own freedom and happiness.

    There’s a difference between being selfish and doing what is right for yourself. If you were selfish, you wouldn’t be asking yourself these questions. You wouldn’t care. But you do care and are trying to live your life and be happy.

    My ex husband was emotionally abusive and controlling. When I had enough and decided to divorce him, I was able to see his reaction as one of a child throwing a fit. He tried accusations, he tried crying, he screamed, then he tried to bully me into changing my mind. In my mind, I kept viewing all of this as a mother would a spoiled child. This gave me the strength to let it wash over me and still stay firm that I was divorcing him. Leaving him was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.

    This is your life. You only get one. Reach for the chance to be happy with both arms!

    ~Shipp

    November 12, 2016 at 2:55 am in reply to: One of the lowest moments of my life…need some advice #120152
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Jonathan,

    If by sharing my life has helped in any way, then I’m glad that I shared it.

    I smiled because your mom’s reaction is how I act when I’m massively mad about something lol. I ran away when hurt, shut down when angry…seeing an unhealthy pattern there?

    I agree with your thinking. When things were casual, its was easy from her to show concern. At the BIG 1 year mark, she either panicked due to the length of the relationship or panicked because she had started to feel something. Either way, she pulled back.

    From your last post, you really seem to have made some progress in accepting and moving forward.

    May I offer one last suggestion (I promise the last lol). Take some time to read other material written by women. Some posts on here regarding relationships or breakups will give you insight on the emotions from another’s perspective. I believe it’s true that men and women express feelings differently. The emotions are the same but we are usually taught to express them differently.

    Anytime you’d like to ask questions, feel free to let me know.

    Take care,

    ~Shipp

    November 12, 2016 at 2:03 am in reply to: My second chance in life #120146
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    That is another one of your posts that I will have to mark so I can come back in the future for a recap when I need it again! Thank you!

    Ok, the back mention makes sense now. Glad to know that you are taking preventative care and that you’re alright.

    You approach regarding #1 is actually what I did with my husband (before reading your advice lol). I finally told him “look, I know that you are upset and probably just venting but you’ve been venting for 3 hours. It’s stressing me. Please let it rest for a while and I promise we can talk again later when I’ve had a chance to calm down”.

    I think you are right about looking for small ways to help. I think Ive been of the mindset that I have to jump in and make a difference (and that is intimidating) but if I start small and grow into it, that gives me time to grow more comfortable at the same time.

    Your description of Distraction is something that I’ve done for years and advice that I give others in times of distress. My theory was “take things back to the basics”. In times of distress, do small things that you enjoy in order to take care of yourself (the soak in the bath, taking a walk, taking a nap) and give your mind a rest from your non-stop thoughts. It’s good to know that I was on the right thought even before I knew I was lol.

    I’m going to look more into CBT. It sounds like something that would interest me and that would be helpful at the same time!

    I’ve spent some more time today considering the questions that I posed in the previous post. With the information that you offered, I think I’m getting closer to being able to find some answers for myself. I’ll be sure to post what I figure out and see what you think.

    By the way, I may not be on tomorrow, or I may just vent, I’ll have to see how it goes. Emmett has neurological tests on his brain tomorrow. I know that we won’t get the results tomorrow but he’s scared and it’s stressful for both of us. Please say a little prayer for peace for the both of us.

    Until we talk again, take care of yourself

    ~Shipp

    November 12, 2016 at 1:11 am in reply to: One of the lowest moments of my life…need some advice #120143
    Shipp
    Participant

    Hey Jonathan,

    Your feeling that she never truly made herself emotionally vulnerable was probably correct. I know for myself that I built a wall around myself so that others couldn’t hurt me. When I started dating, I know now, that I did keep boyfriends at arms length and if I felt that they were pushing too hard to get close to me, I would break things off. The reason that I say this is self preservation is because I would rather be alone, and miss the good times, than risk feeling hurt.

    Let me give you a different way to look at it: Say you are on an airplane, everything is fine but then there’s a bit of turbulence. Most people would tense up a bit, wait for it to pass and then go on with the flight. Someone has been in a terrible plane crash before would react differently. If their fear being crashing (being hurt) again was so great, they may panic, and being certain that the plane WILL crash, may decide to parachute off to (in their mind) safety. Sometimes people do illogical things to avoid the thing that they fear the most.

    From my perspective, you gave some clues in your original post. You said things were good… around your 1 year anniversary (turbulence and she starts to panic)… she made a comment about divorce (sure that a crash is coming)…and that you ignored her for about a week (in her mind the ‘evidence’ that she needed to confirm her crash scenario)… so she emotionally bailed out.

    You mentioned that you hoped she would fight for the relationship. We all have the fight or flight instinct, in my case (and probably in hers too) so much of the fight was used up trying to get through being a kid, that by the time I got out and started my own relationships, I decided I was tired of fighting to get through so when a confrontation came along, I used flight. Basically “if you don’t respect the boundaries that I’ve put up, I outta here”.

    Is this a healthy mindset for a relationship? No. I did mention EX husband. In my situation, in spite of all my previous efforts to avoid having a situation like with my parents, thats exactly what my first marriage was. The key is that I took the time to figure out why and how I was that way..and learned from it. It seems that you are also trying to learn from this relationship.

    If I may offer one bit of advice for the future. No good comes from ignoring someone after an argument. Tell them straight up “what you said hurt me and I need some time to …” process, calm down..whatever. Then, take some time to exam what you feel (usually 24 hours is enough to think without over thinking it) but don’t leave the other person hanging out on a limb (possibly thinking the worse). Just remember that if you’re hurt or feeling insecure, they probably are too.

    Best wishes,

    ~Shipp

    November 11, 2016 at 12:43 am in reply to: One of the lowest moments of my life…need some advice #120101
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Jonathan,

    I agree with anita, this relationship is finished. Its time to move on.

    I can see that you are seeking to understand what happened, what went wrong. Unfortunately, I used to be very much as you described your ex girlfriend. I decided at an early age that I never would be in a relationship like my parents. You stated that when she told you this, that you were hurt and brushed her off for a week. Firstly, she views of divorce as a means of avoiding her parent’s relationship is a form of self preservation (it really didn’t have anything to do with you as a person). You took this as an insult when there really was none. By ignoring her, you hurt her. I also used to react with cold indifference when my ex husband hurt me. It was my way of protecting my feelings.

    You stated that you suggested that you break up and that you were hurt when she agreed. I’m sure, even though she may not have shown it, she was hurt by your suggestion to break up.

    From the sound of your post, things spiraled out of your control from there. Your attempts to regain control only made matters worse. I only say this because you seem to want to learn from this experience and understand. From my own experience, being in a relationship makes you feel vulnerable when you have parent baggage. Behaving coldly or by being mean is a self preservation reaction (unhealthy to yourself and unfair to the other person, yes, but it is a reaction none the less). The mindset of “I’m going to walk away before I get hurt again” is there and attempts by another person to pursue the relationship can feel threatening (hence the restraining order).

    You said “all those memories and moments we shared together, gone”. Not true. The relation is over, true, but you have those memories and moments…and you will always have those. It will take a string of days where you get up, breath and go about your day, go to bed, get up and do the same thing again…but as each day passes, you will be able to look back at your relationship and see the good that was there. I’ve told anita before “each day, I pick myself up, shake myself off and start again”.

    You sound like you have much to offer a girl in a relationship (just not this girl). You said that this was your first girlfriend. She will forever be your first love. The lessons that you learn from this relationship will effect your future relationships for better or for worse; its up to you to decide.

    It’s my hope that you will focus on your career and building the life that you want for yourself. When a girl comes along, you will be ready for the relationship that you deserve!

    Best wishes,

    ~Shipp

    November 10, 2016 at 11:47 pm in reply to: My second chance in life #120100
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    When I get distressed, I also ask myself questions but my questions are along the lines of “where can I hide the bodies???” lol. Seriously though, my frustration and irritation have been with my family these last few days. A brief summary before I move on to important thoughts: the closing on our other house keeps getting postponed due to my nephew (who is buying the house), my husband is getting on a subject and fussing about it, nonstop, for hours, and my daughter is whining about every little thing lately. I’m ready to do them all 3 in just so I can get some peace. But this too shall pass, I just have to hang in there a while longer.

    I am interested in something that you mentioned. You mentioned your back breaking and trying to be mindful to prevent accidents. Is there a medical condition or reason for this concern? Your comment just made me wonder.

    So I went back and read my posts from day one. Here are some insights that I had after reading:

    1. I wrote “My life must change”. This means that I am not living in accordance to what I want my life to be. I’m dissatisfied with the way things are now (and have been for some time now). Based on this, I have to ask myself some further questions:
    A. How do I want my life to be?
    B. Why am I not doing what’s necessary to develop into what I want?
    C. Why am I avoiding do what I need to do in order to have what I want?
    (Random example: If a person wanted to loose weight in order to be healthy and feel better about themselves, and they knew that they had to change eating habits in order to loose weight but would have one salad but then go right back to over eating junk food. They know better but still persist in acting in ways which are counter productive to their goal.)

    2. I wrote “How I think about myself must change”. I can have moments of clarity when I can think things about myself such as “I AM strong enough to face my fears and survive” but then later on, when faced with a situation, my responses and thoughts are, as you said, “a quick and automatic reaction to existing pathways”. I’ve tried for years to re-route my thinking about myself. I can’t seem to get the positive to stick for the moments that I need it the most. In the heat of the moment, my positivity deserts me. So, I’m trying to think of a way for the positive to have lasting impact on my thinking.

    3. I wrote “What do I have within me that is worthy of giving to others that will make a difference and matter?”. I want to use my skills and talents to do ‘something’ that enriches my life and benefits others in need.
    A. I have no idea what that ‘something’ is
    B. Reality is most often not what I envisioned (things don’t work out as I thought they would)
    C. When the time comes for me to do something, I have a pattern of letting my doubts and negative thoughts about myself override my desire to DO something and I chicken out of the doing. (Thus what I wrote “I’ve developed a fear of bringing what’s inside my head into action in the real world”).

    Lastly, on page 2 your post dated October 19th, you mentioned “various emotional regulation skills” and we discussed how to ‘remain in the body’. Do you know of other regulation skills that would be helpful?

    I have some other questions written down after reading my other posts. Questions such as:
    1. Who would I be, if I were free to be as I’d like?
    2. What things in life am I passionate about pursuing?
    These questions, and more, I will attempt to face tomorrow for as I wrote “when I face my shadow self, I falter” and I’ve had enough soul searching for tonight.

    I hope you are well. I look forward to any thoughts you may have and I look to hearing from you again.

    Until we talk again, take care of yourself,

    ~Shipp

    November 9, 2016 at 9:46 pm in reply to: My second chance in life #120026
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I haven’t posted in a few days due to life and it’s twists and turns. I’d rather not post while I’m having feelings of frustration, irritation and being tired. I know that these will pass soon and I would rather continue posting positive messages. It’s late so I’m just going to go to bed. I will look for the sunshine in the morning.

    Thank you for bringing my first smile in a few days!

    Until we talk again, take care of yourself,

    ~Shipp

    November 7, 2016 at 11:00 pm in reply to: My second chance in life #119896
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you very much! I often hesitate to reply on others post because I have found that my comments seem to be ignored. But, oh well, at least I am growing in the confidence to try replying.

    I read a lot of posts on here and I’ve seen your posts to others. You ARE making a difference!!! I’ve seen it. I know I have enjoyed sharing thoughts, ideas and options with you. You are very grounded and offer solid advice (obviously from either your own therapy experiences or by self taught reading and exploring). Keep up the good works!

    I think, in my first marriage, I was a tyrant. I feel like I had to be in order to counteract my ex husband’s behavior. I’m not proud of how I handled things but when pushed into a box, I only knew how to push back (by my mother’s example). Since getting my ex out of my life, I have changed so much. While, up until now, I’ve been comfortable and ‘safe’ being second, I think it’s time for me to step up into the spotlight and do my best to shine, to be a star in my own life.

    I like your viewpoint of my daddy’s saying! His point was that I was stupid so I needed to shut up. Yeah, i know…great parenting..not!

    I really like your comment “We do think clearly without the fog fear and anger create in our brain”. Today Emmett said some things that were extremely insensitive. It hurt my feelings and pissed me off. Instead of reacting like I normally would have a few weeks ago, I went outside and sat in my swing under a huge tree. I took a few moments to be in the fresh air and in nature. I thought to myself.. “what he said is done (in the past already) so what do I choose to feel in this moment? I can either stay pissed off (and ruin MY day) or I can breath, be calm and address tell fact that he was insensitive and hurt me”. Because I was calm and clear about what I wanted to say, he listened and really heard me (instead of tuning me out because I was acting like a shrew).

    I feel similar to a person who has been sleeping for a very long time and has just woken up. The brain fog (pre- coffee) is starting to clear and everything is starting to make sense. While the muscles are still stiff, I’m starting to take baby steps in the right direction. There’s still the small fear of falling on my face but, since you can lay on the floor all day, I pick myself up and try it again.. and again, if needed.

    The next two weeks should be filled with the opportunities for me to live some of the truths that I’ve discovered and to find even more. Wednesday we are to close on the other house that we used to live in. I already have the movers lined up to remove the remaining items from that house. The will close the door on that chapter of our lives (which is a relief to have finished). Thursday of next week we are going to visit Emmett’s brother and sister-in-law. I am looking forward to this very much because his sister-in-law is a great source of guidance and support to me. Next, we have Thanksgiving which I plan to have at my house..without my extended family. While I know that things are going to be hectic, I feel calm (no anxiety..yet..lol) and confident in myself to roll with any obstacles that may pop up.

    You know, a thought just occurred to me.. I think tomorrow I’m going to go back and read my posts from the beginning. I want to see if I’m now in an enlightened frame of mind that I can answer some of my own questions. To see if I can learn anything from myself. To see if there are any truths to be learned from looking at my posts from a different perspective.

    I will post more tomorrow after I’ve had a chance to read.

    Until we talk again, take care

    ~Shipp

    November 7, 2016 at 9:23 am in reply to: My second chance in life #119852
    Shipp
    Participant

    Good morning dear anita!

    I woke before anyone else this morning so I have some quiet time to myself so I thought I would check for your post. Before I got to this page, another caught my attention so I stopped there first (by anny2016). I felt lead today to encourage her to be the best mommy by loving her daughter lots and lots, and that would be enough. I thought that I can’t change what has happened to you and I, but maybe if I can help a new generation of moms (so they don’t feel overwhelmed and alone like ours did) maybe that’s the way to help create lasting change.

    Wow, I just had a side thought. I’ve read that when moving yourself into a place of optimism, you should be For something (rather than Against something else). Following this thought, I have felt strongly against domestic abuse my whole life.. maybe it’s time I start feeling even stronger about the power of a loving motherhood. I’m sure there are young mothers (like ours) who need support, understanding and just someone to talk to in order to relieve stress. Perhaps, I can find a way to make a meaningful, positive connection.

    Ok, I’m back on topic again! You wrote “Remain curious, committed to discover more, and the bubble will continue for as long as you are alive”… YES! That is want I want.. that is what I was trying (not so well) to convey when I started this post. I firmly believe that there IS more to life and I want to discover as much as I can, while I can (I just need to learn how to get out of my own way..lol).

    I’m glad to see that you get it about my sister when she calls me strong. Don’t get me wrong, she thinks she giving me a compliment but I don’t see it that way for the reasons that you stated. Just because you are alive doesn’t mean that you truly live.

    Regarding leading, I think there have always been a few factors in play there.
    1) I was being told how stupid, worthless, etc that I was AND to sit down and shut up (paraphrasing). One of Daddy’s phrases that he used often “best to let others think you ignorant than to open your mouth and remove all doubt”. So you can see how, insecure and shy, I wasn’t going to stick my neck out (expect, of course when I was angry) in order to be first in line.
    2) I have confrontation issues. To me, loud voices equates to anger. Anger equates to hitting. Hitting releases pent up rage and doesn’t end soon. So, I’ve always followed a simple rule: if you cant beat the crap out of somebody, just keep your mouth shut and walk away. If was an either or situation; no middle ground. BUT .. Im finding that as I loosen my grip on fear and constant anger, its easier for me to choose the right words that I want when dealing with stressful situations while refraining from breathing the crap out of them lol. (I think it was you who told me to “relax into” it.. and those words stuck)

    Well, I just realized that it’s after noon here, so it’s time for me to get on with the day. Hopefully, tonight will be another early one, so I can’t jump online again.

    Until we talk again, take care

    ~Shipp

    November 7, 2016 at 8:09 am in reply to: Daughter's father leaving the country to be with his other Child #119844
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anny,

    I think that you have expressed some important points in your post
    “I am trying to let go…what I need are not present”
    “he needs to show her she has a father in her life”
    “I feel relief in a sense because the distance will help me continue moving forward”
    “I told him, all I can do is support him and his decision”

    If I am understanding your post correctly, he was your ex before he decided to go to his first daughter. If this is the case, there are reasons why you two are not still together. It sounds to me like you are ready to move forward with your life on your own and as a mom. Good for you! While making yourself a better person, you are making a better mom for your daughter.

    You posted that your daughter is 15 months. My granddaughter is the same age. My daughter and son-in-law recently moved to the other side of my country for a fresh start and to care for his last remaining grandparent. Like you stated, I support them and their decision but I miss them like crazy. Because children at that age seem to have a short attention span, I want to make sure that I stay present in my granddaughters life. I do this by using Skype to video chat with me them often. We get to see each other and she gets to hear my voice as I talk with my daughter. This maybe a way for your ex to stay present while your daughter is young.

    From your post, it does sound like he cares for both of his children. I do think that he will be back in your daughter’s life (in person) again.

    While you are growing into the person you are meant to be, I know that your daughter will feel well loved and supported by you. Most times, having one parent show you lots and lots of love is enough for a child to be healthy and happy. Especially while she’s in her young years, she will see a healthy, happy mommy who loves her so very much and that’s who she will learn to be like. You couldn’t give your daughter a greater gift than that!

    So, in my opinion, you have the right attitude of supporting whatever decision he makes. And I wholeheartedly believe that you and your daughter will both grow into beautiful people. Love does that.

    I hope you find some comfort from posting here.

    ~Shipp

    November 6, 2016 at 8:44 pm in reply to: My second chance in life #119807
    Shipp
    Participant

    <I CAN’T remember when I’ve been as kind to myself as I have been these last few days. I’ve been taking my comment about taking care of me seriously. I feel relaxed (even though it’s a stressful time for me), competent and confident. I look forward to continuing to build an upward cycle.

    … Sorry for the typo….

    ~Shipp

    November 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm in reply to: My second chance in life #119805
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement!! I’m going to have to save your post because you recapped so nicely.

    Today has been a slower pace as I have found myself doing more and becoming tired more quickly. It’s now 10 pm (as opposed to my usual 2 – 4 am time of posting) and I’m going to retire shortly. I did want to share some things with you first.

    You recently mentioned how Emmett’s diagnosis fit in with the title of my thread. I think that I am beginning a new, unexpected chapter in my life. As you read in my last post, his diagnosis has influenced me to gain clarity about aspects of indecision for me. I think the changes that are to come will influence the person that I become. For example:
    When I was growing up, my sister always called me “the strong one” (she still does call me that)… and I hated it and still do hate it when she does. I hate it because I wasn’t being noble or heroic, I was just a scared kid who was too stubborn to let my mother break me (or let anyone see how much I was hurting). I had no choice I HAD to be strong to survive it.
    Fast forward to present day. I realize that I will need to be strong in order to help Emmett. I have a choice. While I would not walk away from him because I love him so much, I do have that choice.
    The influence comes in because I can choose, of my free will, to be “the strong one” and I can be proud that it is part of who I will become.

    Another similar influence is that I have found myself doing things that I have previously not given any thought to because he did them. For example: splitting firewood. I’ve previously left it to Emmett to take care of. Today was a bad day from him and I knew that he couldn’t, so I did. And it gave me a good feeling of accomplishment and brought back found memories (as a kid, it was my job to help Daddy when he cut and hauled firewood). Today also gave me confidence that, just because I haven’t done something in a while doesn’t mean that I can’t do it again and be successful.

    The first couple of days this week we’re filled with shock, disbelief and numbness. Since I took that day off, when I didn’t post but rested instead, it feels like I have been snapped out of a fog of confusion that I have been living in for many years. I see myself, my life and my world in a whole new light. I feel stronger, more confident in my own abilities and more decisive about what I want (and what steps I need to need to take to get there). I have noticed (thanks to you and our posts) that I am able to clearly communicate with Emmett and my daughter during some really tough discussions recently. I feel a true leader stepping forward within myself…. I’ve never felt comfortable leading before and always wanted to be second place… but now I feel comfortable and confident leading with a gentle, open, loving and listening way.

    In a very short time frame, I have shrugged off a lot of ‘junk’ that I’ve been carrying with me for a long time (stuff that I didn’t even need to be carrying with me). It’s like feeling trapped in a room, when your kicking the door and yelling and carrying on… then you realize that the window was wide open the whole time. It’s just a matter of shifting your focus and your free.

    I realize that I am riding the bubble of discovery right now and things may change soon to burst this bubble, but in the mean time, I want to get as many thought out as possible so that I can, in moments of feeling down, come back to these posts and read, in my own words, the wonderful discovery that I have made.

    I once asked you something to the effect of ‘how do you change a belief that you have about yourself’. I think this is part of that process: you find as many basic truths that you can, use those to seek out other truths about yourself, list these down (like you recapped my post) and come back to them in moments when you need reinforcement. ☆Rinse and repeat☆ lol.

    To be honest, I can remember when I’ve been as kind to myself as I have been these last few days. I’ve been taking my comment about taking care of me seriously. I feel relaxed (even though it’s a stressful time for me), competent and confident. I look forward to continuing to build an upward cycle.

    It’s about 40 minutes until November 7th. My mother’s birthday. Do you know that I haven’t felt this sense of peace since she died? I don’t feel all of the negative emotions that I have in previous years. I’m about to go to sleep untroubled and I think that tomorrow I will be able to fondly celebrate the good that we had in our relationship and remember the mother that I loved (and be at peace about the rest of it).

    Until we talk again, take care

    ~Shipp

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Shipp.
    November 6, 2016 at 1:58 am in reply to: My second chance in life #119738
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    OK, I’ve been able to take a deep breath today and try to regain some focus. I want to try to maintain the focus of my posts here on my second chance to grow into the person that I want to be. Obviously my journey has taken a twist and there are now other factors that will affect my life but I had to remind myself today that this is still MY life. I still have my search for peace and understanding that is my own to pursue.

    Something that has become more clear to me is that I feel firm in my decision to reduce contact with my family, as long as they continue to behave as they have. I no longer have mixed feelings overshadowed by guilt, no temptation to give in like I would have a week ago. I’m now firm in my thinking ‘MY life is too short and IS important enough not to be wasted on situations and people who cause me to feel bad about myself’. If my family were just people that I had met, and they acted as they do, I would not hesitate to shake my head and walk away, no matter to me. BUT because they are people who I love (and who are supposed to love me too), I’ve put up with their ‘junk’ and tried to MAKE a relationship work. I’ve realized that I can’t force a relationship to give me what I need. I’ve realized that my family aren’t doing their ‘junk’ on purpose, its just who they are. They are people who I don’t like. I love them but I don’t like who they are and how they behave. I’m tired of putting myself in the same situations over and over, expecting a different outcome. By accepting that they are who they are and that they aren’t going to change, it releases me mentally and emotionally to let go of that hope of change and be free to live my life separately and emotionally healthy.

    I believe that sometimes things happen in your life that are meant to be in order for some greater reason. (If event A wouldn’t have happened, then event B wouldn’t have ever happened). In light of Emmett’s diagnosis, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking. One truth that has taken seed within me is: I matter; my life matters. This is something that I’ve struggled with for years. It’s one of those things I tell myself but never truly believed. Now, even though it’s in a seed formation stage, its a truth that I do believe. It’s a breakthrough for me. It’s a truth that I now feel comfortable with. I DO matter.

    Something else that I have been thinking about is my fear. I think Ive shared that I’ve lived my life being afraid (of chance, of circumstance, of the future, of taking risks, of reaching for the life I want to myself). I’ve read that (paraphrasing here) when the ego sees a situation as a threat, it produces the emotion of fear to persevere itself. If you look at a situation that you fear, and ask “what is the worst possible thing that could happen?”, then logically approach the worst possible thing and deal with it, you then remove the fear of the situation. (I hope that made sense). The seed of truth that is forming goes something like this: The situation of Emmett’s illness… what is the worst possible thing that could happen… can I face that and live through it… the answer is yes, I would physically survive… ok, well, if I can survive that then the other smaller things that I fear, I could survive them too.. so maybe I AM strong enough to face my fears and survive.. I CAN do this after all. Like I said, it’s a truth that I’m still trying to fully grasp but I could fully accept and embrace it, oh how my life would change!! One thing that I’ve always hated about myself is that I’m always afraid, so be fully free from that would be life changing!

    There are mind game questions that I ask myself to entertain my brain. One of those questions is: who would you be, if you were free to be as you like? I have answers such as: I would be bold, seizing the moment as they happen. I would do things that I am passionate about. I would connect with so many people as possible, in a meaningful way, etc.
    It’s hard to do those things and be that person when you are are fearful. Being free from that fear would be a life changing experience. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for years. I’m so close to being able to fully grab hold of them truth (that I CAN do this) that will, I think, set me free. But I have to fully believe it first.

    Another thing that I’ve come to realize today is: if I give all of myself, into taking care of Emmett, there’s nothing left for me. Like I said at the start of this post.. this is MY life. There is no one who is going to say “you look tired, you should take a few minutes to rest”. If I don’t say that to myself, its not going to happen. I have to eat well, sleep well, take my medicine and vitamins, and do so many other small things that keep me healthy emotionally and physically. This includes taking time for myself to read, to share on here, to explore and seek out truths for my own life journey. I have to give my best to myself before I can give to others. I won’t go as far as to say “love myself” (because that’s something that I’m still struggling with) but this is a start in that direction.

    Anyway, I think Ive made some pretty good advances, in 24 hours, by getting some much needed sleep and taking some time to stop, breath, and think about myself first for a change. I look forward to forward to your thoughts, as always.

    Until we talk again, take care of yourself

    ~Shipp

    November 5, 2016 at 12:06 am in reply to: My second chance in life #119644
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I hope you dont mind but I’m going to reply to your post in the morning. We let our family and friends know about Emmetts diagnosis today. I’m so emotionally drained that I just want to go to bed.

    Until tomorrow, take care

    ~Shipp

    November 3, 2016 at 1:28 am in reply to: My second chance in life #119471
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you so much for your support! I am very touched that you looked up the condition and offer suggestions that may help him! As usual, you are right on target. In meeting with the doctor, he suggested slow movement exercises to increase muscle strength and control so I asked him about Yoga, Tai chi and meditation for relaxation (which he said all 3 were perfect for him). Emmett is not a social person so I doubt that I could convince him to join a group but any suggestions that you come across that he and I can do, I will certainly look into!

    His doctor started him on medication the same day as the meeting but the medication comes with side effects. One side effect is that it causes narcolepsy (which I witnessed today for the first time). Emmett confided to me later that he no longer feels safe to drive a vehicle due to the tremors and muscle seizures (and now narcolepsy). I know that this is a small set back but it seems to make the whole situation so real. It’s all so much to take in. While the condition itself isn’t fatal, it certainly is life changing for us both.

    I started this post because I have been trying to figure out my life after having a massive heart attack last October. I was so scared of an uncertain future. Now, one year and one week later, I’m feeling that same fear as a result of Emmett’s diagnosis. I know that, in time, I will adjust to facing each obstacle as it comes along but for now I just needed to say it… that I’m scared.

    Take care until I hear from you again,

    ~Shipp

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