Hi Anita,

Thank you for your perspective, its quite a problem for me, being mostly alone and trying to interpret what is going on around me. I also do not always follow what people are saying because of the language barrier so sometimes i know i come across as dumb, because i dont always understand. Its frustrating but ive become used to that. So the bullying and negativity are a combination i know fairly well.

I know other people who simply speak their own language and dont bother to learn but if im honest, ive done really well to get so far and having some knowledge, it is going to be an advantage when the world turns to shit, as it might.

And with regards to my friend looking for work and a place to call home, i feel a great deal of empathy beause i know how he feels even though he looks a lot like the local people and i dont. He says he has experienced a lot of racism but i know he is also antagonistic sometimes. You need the patience of a saint sometimes. Culturally speaking i think he is a better match for a country like the States. When i first moved here, it was a recession and no one had any money. There were literally no young people and i thought i had come to the end of the line….but…..i found through my patience, that people were kind, gentle, sweet and helpful. I just felt gratitude because i had nothing. I think im talking about older generations mainly though. I think the younger generation here is impatient, greedy and does not have time to understand other cultures. There´s a difference. And there are new visitors too, impatient, demanding….its sad sometimes but that is what an increasingly succesful economy attracts, no one has time to stop.

We now have a lot of wealthy older foreign people from all over …expensive cars and more increasingly younger couples who want to live a cleaner life by the sea. That is the marketing speak though. There is another side and that is the people who are searching for answers or running away from something. The ocean is a great attraction for the lost.

What im trying to understand in myself is why i am struggling through this life when, like my friend i could just say “this isnt working, im going”. I know its not as simple maybe, i have elderly parents i have to think of  who are vunerable here but its more the fact that im already older, tired of living in different countries. It would have probably all fallen into place if i had met the right guy i think as most women fall into a routine that way. Being alone is very hard, i have to be very strong all the time.

Its good to hear your perspective that i am misinterpreting situations as this makes me hopeful that things arent as bad as they seem. But they still seem bad! I dont feel there is much doubt that the family member at work has made my job harder and so forced me to look at other options, he would prefer me to leave. Ive let other people´s issues affect me and its poison for the mind. Also influenced by my colleague, i guess we have come to our own conclusions. When in doubt you refer to your instinct about situations and coincidences rarely exist do they?

And my ex is long gone. Ive hung on and on with the dream-like imagining that i am special somehow. It seemed preferable, understandably when you consider the lonely reality, to believe that i have some hold on him. I guess i wanted to feel wanted by someone that i was attracted to. But there is no magic there, he is a narcissist who is probably abusing the woman he is with. In fact i think one of the best things i did was to talk to one of the women he left me for (the first time around) because i could then see the delusion in her for myself. I try to remind myself of that. She left him soon after and i must admit, i think i saved her from a lot of pain. But i suffered it. I got back with him and then he left me again for his current girlfriend. he was my drug like nothing i had experienced before. Crazy that this can happen and you think you are so rational as a person but around him i would lose myself.

Hi Anita, Im back after being incredibly busy working around the clock. Ive tried my best to keep my head down and stay away from the rest. Its been the only way I can deal with my circling thoughts I guess but im close to burning out again from everything. Since Ive been back to work I’ve not been feeling very healthy (tired and sometimes unwell) and I’ve been struggling with this general emotional overspill. I think that I’ve unintentionally developed a trigger response to almost anything that can be perceived as negative. Im finding it hard to switch off and relax in any way, even if I take a walk something happens that irritates me.

But something else is weighing on me. Bad news. I just heard from my mother that my brother in law lost his sister to an overdose…this is the US and she was apparently already years into addiction. At first I was just shocked, she was 41 and I didn’t know her at all. Later on though, I started to feel really sad and emotional about it…trying to imagine what had happened to her and her life to make it so bad. I couldn’t get away from the heavy feeling and didn’t really know why it was bugging me.

I realised a bit later that the reason it felt so much to me was because my ex was an addict. Its not something that I like to admit. I only really understood that some years into the relationship and the signs were of course obvious but I was quite naive and also in a bit of an alternate reality myself, having suffered from depression and some bad experiences as well as a whole new country and culture. This triggered me to think of the issues that he may have been dealing with as well as hers, no doubt to do with family and childhood issues. This is of course worrying as my sister has a relationship with that family and we don’t know for sure the whole story. But when my sister ever spoke about her it was in negatives; that she was a total mess and no one could help her. To me that is sad in itself as I find it hard to give up on people although I know others do. I often feel a huge amount of sadness for situations or people I don’t even know.

After I had this news I had a zoom meeting with work and I had lost the thought from my mind at that point but just felt so angry and didn’t know why (probably that). I couldn’t smile and go along with all the fake compliments that were going on and I could see that some of my team were smirking at my apparent attitude. That made me even angrier as its led by this family member for sure influencing the new staff. Sometimes it feels like im being tortured in life…I wonder why its ME that has to continually be taught a lesson? Why can’t something go wrong for this guy at work? Ok, some things have but he bounces back and has now got a supportive little team going…that like to make fun of me I think, but this is just defensive thoughts. I still can’t speak the language and so mostly at the meetings I can’t join in, they seem to find that funny. But to me its abusive.

Today I met with an old colleague I used to work with. He knows the situation and also had his own experiences with the family member. I know this ex colleague would probably like a relationship with me and I’ve only seen him on a couple of ocaccssions but I just don’t feel anything. And although I like him as a friend, some of his behaviour irritates me as he was already giving up on another job he is in…I think he needs patience and he was talking about leaving the country which made me depressed. Maybe he is right? I should not hang on for so long but do something different.

I wish I had more guts.

Hi Anita, Its been a while…ive had a week of feeling totally exhausted and weak. And it has passed by so quickly while i have too much to do and worry about. im dealing with a lot of mental stress as you can tell but i feel it is transferring to various physical complaints. In the last weeks i also heard a lot of my colleagues complaints about the same, its compounding in a ball of angry frustration.

Life has been much like a fight lately. Im trying to swim but im dragged down and hit again and again. Things seem to keep going wrong. Today i left work with a head swimming like id been in an actual fight….thats when i knew, im really sick from this, i really have to do something and stop sitting and pretending i can manage, hoping it will go away.

First i felt unwell, so i knew i had to survive a full day with a headache and sore throat, then my dog ran away on our walk and i spent most of an hour to get her back.

Then i had to go to the office and be around the fragile air of uncertainty that i have felt there more keenly recently. I know i keep repeating myself here but its almost like i dont believe what i already know is happening, like i need someone else to tell me…the family member is replacing the old team. This is a hostile takeover within the company while the boss pretends she doesnt know what the problem is and denies everything.

It may not be illegal but its still not ethical to take someones job anywhere in the world, so the alternative option is, if you make it so unpleasant that they leave….no one will raise an eyebrow and the victim wont have any support. Meanwhile since i started in sales i have had a very hard time with the work, it takes time but i also have years of experience and i know its a bad time right now. So money is incredibly tight and meanwhile my colleague, the family member, is thriving and making a lot of sales….Some of these sales i believe are due to him taking advantage unfairly…not all but definitely some.

So today, as with other days when i have had to be around him and other staff..he created a situation he knew would be uncomfortable for me. If i was a psychologist i could tell you exactly what he was up to but i dont have the words, i would call it “psychological bullying” because nothing happened and you can reason it away but it is intended to cause stress to a particular person, me.

We have a rota that means each person takes a day in the office. Today was my turn and within half an hour he turned up, in his usual behaviour of being very busy doing nothing. He started a conversation across the room with our new office assistant who replaced my old job, he hired her and they spend a lot more time together.  The way our office is laid out, this is very distracting for the person in my seat as you can´t concentrate. I knew it was leading up to some “moment” he had planned.

A short while later in walked an old colleague who had always got on very well with him, she acted very casually and said hi to all of us before sitting down with her back to me and had a rapid fire private, yet public conversation with him about something or other..I blocked it out as much as i could because im supposed to be working and obviously i was not included due to the conversation in their language and the way she was sitting, blocking me. If they speak to include me, they always switch to english as i cant follow everything which puts me at a disadvantage. I must also say, usually he goes in the other room to meet people but today he didnt. The reason that this is potentially upsetting is because my friend and colleague who has fought recently with him about various things, is away having a surgical procedure and the impression was very much that he was interviewing/bringing this old colleague back. Incidentally, while my colleague is away, he has allowed the other “new” staff member (his best friend) to work in her job temporarily. So now you can see why this is threatening to a number of us.

I always understood that this old colleague didnt want to come back to her old job but now im not so sure and they were very friendly in their meeting, chatting and laughing like good friends. I also got the impression she had visited before, as she waved hi and called the new assistant by name, you dont normally do that if you dont know them. I got on ok with this person but she was a cold energy, like him, driven for success and status..not open to empathic behaviour. She once told me for example, that she thought it was ok that one of her friends was dating a married man. Its totally different to how i feel. And yet…yet, i know she was cheated on and already had a child with that person. She quickly found another guy..a foreigner with a lot of money and seemingly little between the ears as she got pregnant immediately. The first days she joined us all i heard was her shouting down the phone at her partner. She is a no nonsense functional human being…basically pretty cold.

I felt very strongly that this was a show intended for me…to push me again, out of the company. Even the boss came out and was chatting with her very friendly and casually. I asked the boss afterwards what the meeting was about as he quickly left after that and she said she didnt know, all very light and innocent. But it certainly was not just a “hey, how are you doing” visit.

Again, i felt like i should speak to a lawyer. If they pressurise me (done), degrade my role (already done) sabotage my work (done), demean my work(done)or bully me into leaving (seemingly) then should i fight this? im no longer friendly and open…they got that out of me. I have nothing left to give the poor new colleagues as its just too much for me, another round of the same. But i want these family members to pay for the damage caused to my peace of mind.

Then, as if i wasnt already disturbed by that…later in the day the older business partner of my ex came to collect a key. He caught me in a moment of being flustered…and for some reason, i never could remember his face. He didnt start much of an introduction but just said he wanted the key to “nr….” so i was trying to find out what that was and when it dawned on me i was filled with humiliation. The keys had attached a fob from my company and i couldnt remove it so i just handed it to him and asked him who sold the house, to which he OF COURSE replied that it was the company of my ex´s new girlfriend..of course. We had it for sale also but my ex refused all the offers we got…i couldnt understand it. then when he told me who his girlfriend was, i realised why he made it harder for us.

This small moment has set me back at least a week of anger, tears and sadness. But mainly rage at my misfortune. I can´t explain to anyone how messy it is in my brain due to the cold hard cruelty of this Ex and my boss..the two of them working overtime to try and totally destroy my mental peace. that is what it feels like because it doesnt seem to stop!?

So i was glad for him to take the key away…but why did he come on my day? As he left he also said something strange, ” ill see you soon”. Not something you say to someone who you KNOW had been treated badly by your business colleague that you are UNLIKELY to see again, not something you mistakenly say to someone you NEVER see otherwise? what?

Im left confused and more angry again. I thought about sending a nasty text to my ex to say why he would never see me again but i stopped myself…but every time this happens, when i see him somewhere or some car of her company goes past, im reminded of my misfortune and failure. I feel i need to leave, go somewhere where no one knows me. And where i can get away from the pain caused.

When i was younger i had some serious depressions, after one boss was putting me under enormous pressure i had a nervous breakdown. I felt suicidal. Recently when i took time off work, it was because i felt that familiar feeling of losing my mind and a shaking feeling that meant i had to stop CARING about the work.  A friend shouted down the phone i was heading into a depression and i was angry back but knowing he was right. There are people who dont understand why its a big deal, why cant you have a beer and just let go? for others they understand, i want to do a good job..respect means a lot to me. So to have that torn away from you is cruel. To get demeaning comments is cruel. To downsize or demean your role is cruel after loyal and continued support and commitment. I broke down to a doctor and she wrote a note for me but i didnt want anything to go on record…due to my last stigmatized experience. Instead, my body broke down and i suffered the back problem which basically “solved” the problem. You see how it works?

This is almost criminal to me. They have plenty of money. But their older staff are worth nothing to them. Shameful. I have had such hateful feelings, wanting to destroy things..then all i can turn to is karma. Hoping to teach them a lesson.

Hi Anita,

I feel like the last months I’ve been like a person on a bumper car ride at the fair…I crash into one thing and then another and another. I turn around and someone hits me in the side and the back. It feels physical and maybe manifested as the back pain. It hasn’t ended but with each crash I tense up more and more. Every day brings a new problem, every day I feel im hanging on..barely able to stay sane or even wanting to continue like this.

I met a client who has gone through divorce recently, she is struggling with money and has also sustained a back injury or pain…this is not really a coincidence is it, the same things. My colleague was also inconsolable about arguments she had with the boss, the difficulty the abusive pressurising. There is nothing more to say except leave. My neck became so stiff from the stress of keeping in anger, of trying so hard to keep it together.

If I could let go of the injustice and anger with other people’s behaviour, maybe I could deal with it. My ex I´m sure is fine with his decisions. He will say he just moved on and because no one questions the actions of a man (sorry its true) he will get away with the cruel details of how he did it. As a man he will feel guilt but also won’t spend long feeling that way. My boss will say she “had to make a decision” on the future of the company and that is why I have been bullied and sabotaged in my work. Fake concern with colleagues and then being “broken down” in public at our meetings.

I just want people to be held accountable for their behaviour, as I sure have in my life. Instead it seems I am being beaten down by all of the evil side of people. Today I just feel so angry. I have felt like that most days that I have to interact with them.

Ironically my parents have been supportive and now I feel bad that I would complain about them…its all bitterness building up in me due to all the horrible things that have happened. They are not so aware how hard it has been for me.

Wow, another awful day.

Hi Anita, Thank you for the tip for back pain, im fairly sure i overextended due to doing some leg exercise a bit too much. Big mistake as i have been suffering the consequences. I really feel like an old woman with this back problem…of all the things but im too young for that. I did go to the hospital had a check up and they think its facet joint pain..their solution was to give me an injection of steroids to see if that alleviated the pain, then they would know for sure…im not keen to do that though.

Well, about bullying..my ex had a grown son, and when he met my mom he told his dad that she wasn´t very kind to me. I think what he was referring to was the teasing that my mom liked to do. For example it was usual that when i had a boyfriend over and i was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in. In this instance i had made dinner for his family (i was extremely stressed because it was not typical for me to cook for so many people) and likely my mom was teasing again. This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense. It seemed innocent to me but looking back i can see that maybe there was something else there.

Since i was with my ex for some years he would hear me complain about my mom´s unreasonable behaviour whenever she was acting up and would also see it for himself time to time and i think he concluded that she was a difficult person. but i know he also liked her as they were similarly sharp and could bounce off each other. Since we had broken up, i had called him once out of desperation as my sister and parents had caused a rift and i couldnt handle their behaviour..i felt i was going to have to just leave them behind. It was typical for my sister to visit, build up a tension between her and my mother, cause a fight and then take her flight home and forget about us for a while..leaving me with the pieces. The only person i felt i could talk to was him, since he knew me a long time and my family problems.

I feel im rambling on and can´t structure my thoughts at the moment.

About feeling upbeat- im so used to my downward looking depressive nature but would like to be more hopeful. I think the influence of my mom has always been depressive. I have a friend who said she didnt think she had ever been depressed. She can get angry and upset but she doesnt ever seem to stay in a low mood. I have times lately where i just want to stay in bed all day.

Hi Anita,

Nothing has turned a corner yet, im feeling either tired or angry most of the time, the anger keeps me going without which i just fall back into depression.  I realise that i can never get away from thoughts of my ex, he is part of the wallpaper in there. And at work things just continue to shoot bullets so they ricochet around the room. I feel like im watching a desperate struggle for power from this family member, its a bit insane.

My colleague had a fight with him the other day and he started playing victim …its plain by the actions that he is just greedy, he wants all the money, all the power and is highly controlling. im tired of the games.

Ive avoided contact as much as possible but it will be hard to do.

I don´t miss my childhood, i miss my adulthood! i wonder so much why im so bad at this. I have not had success in any area of my life. Ive needed financial support from my family without which i would just drown. Ive worked so hard to build something up but somehow im paid just enough to live. Its hopeless.

I guess it means that i can´t take care of myself…at all. Even if i try. For most women i know, they get married and then some of the weight and responsibility is shared, life is easier if you are in a partnership for sure, financially but also emotionally. But im also aware, if not just from my failed attempts, that sometimes the stress is just not worth it and there is no guarantee that your other half will want to take care of you in the same way. That was my situation in at least 3 relationships, so maybe i came across as too independent.

My childhood was more carefree yes. I had a lot of freedom and i was in a secure home. No physical abuse. But my mother was depressive and certainly in my teens i remember spending hours sorting out her problems with her. I think i believed in my early teens that i could fix these things. She must have felt very alone herself but is also a very complicated and demanding person. My dad travelled a lot so effectively we were raised without him around much. My sister was also out most of the time, avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home. I felt like she didnt like being around and judging by little comments later in her life, that would be correct. I also took my councelling hat to school with me and when people needed to talk i found it interesting to learn about how they thought about things, trying to iron out the problems and find a solution. My mind is always searching to understand the intentions of other people.

My ex reminded me of my mother a lot. They were very similar in character…easygoing and playful and then able to be sharply unfair or unkind, both Air signs.

Hi Anita,

Some interesting things happened with this April supermoon. guess what? Karma DID pay a visit to the manipulative colleague and his big prize deal that had gazumped a good client of mine came falling down around him. On the one hand, I asked for it and it happened, On the other hand, I was still angry because once again, we would have to explain another turn of events to my client and I worried about losing their trust. This is the hard-nosed business that perhaps I knew would fall apart. The greed of my boss to have a bigger result has ended in humble pie for them both. Do I think they will apologise for almost destroying my relationship with a client? that I had to salvage to get a sale for their pockets? of course not, they will brush it under the carpet.

That made me think also about another situation, as since I found out about my ex´s true situation…that made me so upset and angry, the area in which he lives has gone back into a strict lockdown…not where i live… just his town. Another karmic event. perhaps not quite as aggressive as i had wished in my head but certainly a huge inconvenience for him and probably her as they likely can´t see each other for a while. I didnt have to lift a finger, no drama and no revenge, karma did it for me.

I hate to say it but these kind of things have happened to me before, when people have REALLY made me angry, something always happens around them and i don´t have to do anything. It makes me feel better of course like there is some justice in the world.

I think i said before that since it finished with my ex my life became very plain and boring. I work and work and there is no real other life. I never went out for dinner again, never went to parties, never travelled anywhere..i dont have money for these things. I dont want to blame myself for this and i dont feel sorry for myself. I just think ive had a very hard time, ive had to swallow my pride and ive had to be very humble, i accepted this is a kind of fate…if a guy was meant to come along and sweep me off my feet he would, it hasnt happened. I just get on with things, i dont try and trip anyone up, be rude and demeaning or steal from others…I just try to find moments every day. But life is not like it used to be when i had big plans, big dreams and a big future.

So if my mind struggles with this i forgive myself. If people laugh at me on the street because i look different, its on them. If my colleagues want to know what i am up to  and are being nosy, maybe they should be kinder. If my ex wanted friendship he would have given it by now. I understand all of this. In my head maybe i dream up other things because the plain truth isn´t so pretty.

Ive always had a good imagination and have managed to entertain myself through worse times than this pandemic. I always think of myself as strong, stronger than some people around me who have never had to struggle with anything language, culture and people who would rather not deal with you. But perhaps now back to work….i have felt very much like the family member at work is trying to make me leave by making everything difficult for me (which is a high probability not delusion) and by undermining me and not sharing information or asking my opinion. Lets face it, most people would find this awful.

Not to mention the news i had from my ex.

So lately, i felt a sense of panic, today i was trying to stay calm before going to work and my heart was hammering, because im scared of not having enough money, worry…which is my default setting and depression because of my lack of love in my life and lack of knowing what this is all going towards. Yes, maybe im addicted to the excitement of something, anything happening that can take that heavy burden off my shoulders.

I know its a lot of introspection for most people to deal with. Im very dark and intense to deal with. I reckon most people have a dip in their mood, then just look for positives to come out of the hole, but im the kind of person who really wants to look around before i come out to understand it. Its always been this way for me.

I always thought it was better i was going through the waves of the emotions and exploring the dark corners before emerging stronger and calmer again..this could take a day or two…but these latest developments really have pushed my stability.

I fear stepping out of my job into the unknown (self employment or something else), i fear letting go of my ex and what i knew towards someone new (taking a leap of faith AGAIN). Its kind of what someone said to me fairly recently, he felt i was so afraid of everything. But saying that doesn’t heal you it makes you feel isolated.

Hi Anita.

I dont dress provocatively or sloppily or anything crazy. Today i was actually wearing something similar to the woman who was reacting…leggings, a t shirt. It just happens a lot to me. There is no mistaking people´s actions and all you can do is ignore it but its hard to ignore when it happens so often. When you are alone and live alone, i think you are vunerable to this..if i was preoccupied with my partner, children etc, i wouldnt care if someone pointed and laughed at my hair, nose or whatever….but it is emphasised because when i step out the house i am always alone and humans are predators.

I know you are probably thinking, this person is suffering from schizophrenia. But i am always questioning what has happened to me, only for it to be confirmed later.

When i was out with my ex i noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sidling up to him trying to get his attention…i always thought it was insane how outrageous some people were. I think i was so happy around him that they wanted some of it to rub off on them…literally. He emitted a warm friendly energy and people gravitated towards him. Ive never met someone so magnetic like that. But the downside was…there were always older women hanging around like lost schoolgirls. They would come looking for him at his work, stop him in the street…and their eyes would not leave his face as he held my hand. He would introduce me and they would coldly smile and then return to stare at him…it was insane. So i was always aware that people were after him.

For some reason today i have been struggling a lot today. I am exhausted. I feel like im on the edge of collapse, like my mind will burn out. im fighting to not obsess about all this but it wont go away. I cant focus properly on anything..i feel its defeating me. I had one moment today when my heart was beating really hard and i had to sit down and take deep breaths. I´m worse during the day, the evening i seem better, but i wake up in the morning and it starts again.

When my ex first cheated on me i  at least got something positive from the woman he was with then.. at the time i became obsessed to know what she was like, i wanted to know what he was attracted to and of course, she was living my old life. I thought perhaps she was more, better somehow..it was irrational.  I looked her up online, trying to find clues of what he liked. She did tarot readings and i started watching my sign. Now years later im hooked on it.

Now, when im fighting the negative feelings, suffering by what my mind picks up on, i watch tarot readings and usually something delivers a message that finally makes me more peaceful. This works better for me than listening to music, which i find makes me feel too much and i get depressed. I have a need to rationalize everything until its no longer there. I need to hear what people think.

Today i watched a reading (i dont pay for them, they are just what appear online) that was exactly the things i have said to you, it really was accurate. And her overall message was, “this is hurting you but he´s not thinking of you, move on”

..i felt briefly, yes, i can let go …but i know the next day i can flip back the other way strongly and be under the impression that he misses me secretly, that he will realise he got the wrong woman..that he is in denial or any other combination…its sad and stupid i know. This is why i can´t figure out how to get rid of this.

One more positive thing after listening to that reading was (although its also negative) that i was starting to feel like actually, i could feel sorry for the woman who has him now. After my early feelings of rage and anger that were frightening me, its welcome to not care so much. There is no doubt in my mind, he is flirting with other women still and maybe even sleeping with someone…he already said she was jealous, so she will have terrible fights with him and doubt herself. He will refuse things she wants to do. Maybe he will pick on some insecurity. I saw her photo and i can imagine that she may be vunerable, no matter what she projects. He has that talent. That is how it was with me and i dont believe that will change.

The tarot reader also said ” this person doesn’t pick strong women, he is looking for weakness in people to exploit”. that’s possibly true. But if you met him you would be fooled too. Im a contradiction because while i write this i know, if he said it was a terrible mistake and was convincing…i´d probably go back. Its an addictive attraction.

Ive had moments before where i just believe. This is it. This is all you are getting in life.