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February 6, 2015 at 2:49 am in reply to: Trying to not let my past dictate my present and future, but it isn't working #72435
It’s ok to vent. I’m sorry you are hurting so much right now. It is hard to find someone you like. Is there anyplace you could get out to volunteer? Or get a pert-time job? It will widen your circle of acquaintances and maybe you could have fun with it. Getting a job you think is goofy for money is a drag but if you do it to meet people the extra income would be a perk.
Take care and try to have a happy birthday.February 5, 2015 at 7:14 pm in reply to: Trying to not let my past dictate my present and future, but it isn't working #72422
Forgiveness is not approval. You have to do it because it is how you let go of your resentment. I’m sure it’s quoted here on this site somewhere but it’s worth repeating: Keeping Resentment (and anger) is like you drinking poison and hoping the other person will die from it.
Hopefully you are active with your sons. Try to focus on that. Exercise or start cooking really healthy meals. If you already do then think about some other ways to make extra income. Even if it isn’t feasible now, in two years it may be if you lay the groundwork now. It will take some time but just focus on what you need to do to improve, not on your ex.
This site has a tab called letting go. Hopefully those articles will help. Next, focus on what the real problem may be. If the kids weren’t there would you do the cleaning anyway? You didn’t particularly say that they were slobs themselves but you did mention three times that you’d like them to move out (they’re driving you insane, you fear they’ll never move out, they’re pampered too much to want to move out). Also, they didn’t bother you when they were little. Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your husband about them getting their own place. Set a time frame and stick to it. You’ll need to really lose the anger even if you’re faking it so that this becomes a positive life step for your family. In case they all forgot, remind them that usually your first apartment is sometimes a giant step down from your parents’ house. Good luck.
I’m sorry you’re going through such pain. But you are going through it. 5 months, 10, 15, however long it takes. If you were dating with the hope of marriage unfortunately that’s the price to pay. 2 years seems like a long time to realize it can’t result in that, but I do kind of understand the vacation excuse. Why play house so to speak if you know you shouldn’t go down that road at all? He said he wants someone with no expectations.
It will be difficult but try to pick 3 things to focus on and post them to remind yourself. A new hobby or an old one, a friend, charity work, regular work. For the next six months whenever you start dwelling on him again pick one of those things to focus on. Even if you’re just making a list or reading about it. You’ll still think of him but hopefully you’ll stop obsessing.
Question to ask yourself: Do I want to be married at all?
More insight here
Which I found after reading this
Looking for it to post here I came across this
I wish you peace.
Sorry if this seems abrupt. This is my third time trying to post. I put in HTML tags the first times, now just trying to get it out.
I’m sorry you are hurting on a yearly cycle. Since you are reaching out for help you are taking a positive step. And congrats on getting sober. Though the title of your post is about your marriage, the advice I have focuses on your second paragraph.
If you are stable your children will experience some stability.
If you are angry at all men your son will be affected more by that than by the amount of females he is around. He will be a man one day too. Your attitude towards men is going to be a part of him.
If you want to work, what is holding you back? Take steps to fix it. I know it will be hard but even if you think you’re unsuccessful now, after a while you will notice you accomplished more than just existing. It just takes longer than we’d like.
That is all you. The hurt over the loss of your best friend will still be there but all of the above could be worked on even if he was around. It’s your part.
The other thing to consider, not sure it’s advice, but I’ve done it myself, is to move somewhere warm. Where is he going every winter? If it’s not the weather maybe it’s the holiday circus he can’t take. Why would he keep coming back after that if he didn’t want to be with you and with his family?January 18, 2015 at 4:29 pm in reply to: At the same cross roads 10 year in the Making…Need to pick a path Advice? #71550
“When I think about committing to her, I tend to focus more on our differences; what i’m giving up vs. what i’m gaining. People have said to me the grass is always greener on the otherside, and I understand that yet it still doesn’t help me understand my feelings.”
The grass is greener where it’s watered and given care. Given care to. You do give up some of yourself as being a priority when you commit to someone and you gain things you can’t give to yourself. But if you aren’t ready to give care to another you aren’t ready to get married. It won’t be perfect at first, but you at least have to want to try and do and to keep trying and doing. Think about it and at the same time do as the other responders have said and talk to her.
“so our relationship has been very much like a marriage to me.” If you’re committed, don’t let him go.
If you’re scared of his daughter make sure he knows YOU are scared for you. You said you are setting the boundaries to protect you all but I think you should just focus on protecting yourself and let him deal with her in his own way. It sounds like the kid needs intensive therapy but if he’s insisting on having her visit he obviously doesn’t have the same fears you do. He’s afraid of losing her.
In five years if this is over there will be something else you have to work through. There always is. Maybe, hopefully, not this Big or intense, but it will be something. Love yourself more if you need to. As far as the relationship you wish you had any little step you can take to make it happen is in your power.
There is no job you will like 100%. There will be moments you remind yourself you just have to do something bc you’re a professional. For some it means keeping mum in the boardroom when an idiot starts ranting, for other that means practicing your skills when your emotions are neutral.
Move on. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t end up with her in the future. It just means don’t get hung up on one girl who isn’t ready for a relationship with you. Because she’s not ready for a relationship with you like you want nor is she willing to work for it (right now) with you.
Also, I’m not sure what all these feelings her and her new guy are confessing to each other are. Maybe they’re rather shallow feelings but they’re both having fun with it.
If she really wants to be friends with you just tell her you need a little time with that bc of how you feel about her. If she cares at all about anyone other than herself she will understand.
At this point in your life do you have to give up academics to get in shape & start playing better soccer? Or do you just have to give up your unfulfilling social activities (weekend drinking w/ friends) and buckle down to get in shape to even get noticed soccer-wise?
Obsessed people & dreamers both can take concrete steps to achieve the end result. Your end result now sounds like money & good looking women. I’m not sure what soccer players make but really there are many paths to girls & money.
As far as the soccer, do you even like to play? I started playing again after 22 yrs. I’m currently 42 and do want to get better as a player so I’ve joined an adult league. I realized I don’t like running just to run, but I like to run in sports as part of the game. I also began coaching. Personally, I find it fulfilling but I do pay to play!
“Ultimately, If I don’t really try (devote myself to it) to become a soccer player i have “thorn in my side”, ”
You’re obsessed with the dream. But you’re young and if you’re willing to work hard for it — go for it.
Yes, you deserve to forgive and love yourself.
You said you told the other person the truth, and now you’re miserable. Are you still together? You’re right in that you don’t need labels or even rings to be serious with someone. You need to be there in your own head. If you broke up, you’d probably be miserable bc of that so don’t let it add to your guilt over cheating. You admit your behavior was horrible now begin to take steps to improve. Taking steps means actively changing your behavior or response to a certain situation for the better. It does not mean just saying “I’ll never do that again.” I would say if you’re asking friends about your relationship status instead of the person you’re with (did he even know your friend was visiting?) then one active step would be learning how to communicate with a partner like you do with your friends. Another step would be to reflect on your insecurities. You admitted you were an insecure person, now 3 guilt-ridden months later, you’re not? Read through the great articles and posts on this site and really make the attempt to love yourself. It’ll take a while but you deserve it.