Dear Anita,

I am not sure if it was a typo or not, but he does not shame me for our past, rather, I shame myself for having an enmeshed connection with him, even after working on boundaries, mindfulness, nurturing myself, and much more (enmeshed as in a deep emotional attachment, in which I cannot imagine my life without him at all). Because our relationship is so healthy & joyful right now in the present, it’s as if my instinct is to completely disregard the past. To deny my own reality, as you worded it. I need to accept that my reality is that we have had a complicated relationship that cannot be undone, but only accepted and worked through. Lately, I have been practicing turning inward a lot more, and it feels wonderful, but it is also terrifying to not rely on him as much. It feels like abandonment. This is the reality of emotional enmeshment combined with my origin story.

Best,

talia

Mark,

Thank you for your perspective. I think now, I realize that I feel upset for my past self rather than my present self. Such as, I feel sad for my younger self who didn’t feel like she was enough to fix the relationship. And now that this is resurfacing, I am conflating the wants of my past self and my present self when they are indeed separate entities. Because if I’m being honest, a relationship with him does not sound like my ideal partnership.

Allow me to clarify. I meant that him being with men didn’t bother me because if he was only exclusively attracted to men, then there would be no way to continue the relationship. However, the fact that he is attracted to women means that perhaps I could have, which is where I believe I am having trouble differentiating my wants.

He actually does want commitment, which is interesting. From a friend’s perspective, I think he wants commitment so badly that he will do so with anyone he can. Which… becomes interesting because it sort of makes me seem like a last choice.

Currently, we are still living together, but no sex.

You are right. I have not experienced any other serious relationships. Only casual flings and hookups. Perhaps that’s another reason why I’m holding onto this idea of possibly being together? I have issues with opening up to new love interests, which can make the only “successful” one I’ve had seem like gold. I suppose sometimes it’s hard to see myself finding anything better…which I know is linked to my self-esteem.

I have never considered it being a co-dependency issue, however, I see how that becomes blatantly clear. How could I work on this without dissolving the friendship any? Already working on clear boundaries (currently).

Dear Peggy,

For some reason, I feel as though my artistic temperament does not reach others and I am glad to learn that it does. I did not know that about Agatha Christie, I suppose sometimes we have to put to rest our idealizations of ourselves. I’ve never thought about having a division between career and hobbies, for they’ve always been muddled. I have never thought much about affirmations, would you recommend I write them on paper? Thank you for your insight.

Anita,

I’ve never viewed it that way, that he’s unavailable. It makes it easier to process since there’s nothing else I can do. I appreciate your comments about me, I am indeed 19 years old. The combination of couple’s therapy, individual therapy, and group therapy have truly reformed my perception on life. Also, adding in Buddhist principles helps me think clearly.

I agree with your proposed solution. Sleeping in the same bed is definitely a relationship privilege to me, along with cuddling. You’re right, it is now in the past.