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I am not sure if it was a typo or not, but he does not shame me for our past, rather, I shame myself for having an enmeshed connection with him, even after working on boundaries, mindfulness, nurturing myself, and much more (enmeshed as in a deep emotional attachment, in which I cannot imagine my life without him at all). Because our relationship is so healthy & joyful right now in the present, it’s as if my instinct is to completely disregard the past. To deny my own reality, as you worded it. I need to accept that my reality is that we have had a complicated relationship that cannot be undone, but only accepted and worked through. Lately, I have been practicing turning inward a lot more, and it feels wonderful, but it is also terrifying to not rely on him as much. It feels like abandonment. This is the reality of emotional enmeshment combined with my origin story.
Thank you for your response. It is the same man. I think perhaps I wish to forget our complicated past, wishing to pretend that none of our various past relationships have affected me. But the truth is, with each of those different titles, they create the actual history of our relationship which helps me understand why I feel this way. I need to stop shaming myself for my reality, it seems.
taliaOctober 4, 2019 at 8:11 am in reply to: Dealing with something, That i have never dealt before. #315995
I second what Anita said. Though I will add that if for some reason you do decide to go, be sure to implement boundaries between your and your family members. I know you want to be helpful (which to me shows a kindness within you) but that doesn’t mean you should self-sacrifice, even in the seriousness of death. Your father has not been kind to you, so really, what do you owe him?
I wish you healing and the ability to not feel guilty, as you owe nothing to your family.
You are right, I believe that once I began dedicating time to those hobbies, then my exhaustion will lessen. A lot of the time I have trouble saying no to others, especially my roommate, and I miss out on that time to work on things that I love. Thank you for your guidance and I will try the STOP technique.
When I was a kid, I made forts, imaginary friends with paper, played tons of games with my sister (school, cash register, “native americans” where we would make our own settlement and whatnot), I played with barbies, the sims franchise, biking, went to garage sales with my grandmother, played games like “vampires” with my friends, etc. Those are the ones I remember the most 🙂
What is stopping me? I suppose nothing really. I just know a lot of the time I feel exhausted which is attributed to how difficult my mental health can be sometimes. I will do some more thinking on this!
ThaliaJuly 23, 2019 at 6:04 am in reply to: Dealing with my gay ex who no longer identifies as gay #304465
Thank you for your perspective. I think now, I realize that I feel upset for my past self rather than my present self. Such as, I feel sad for my younger self who didn’t feel like she was enough to fix the relationship. And now that this is resurfacing, I am conflating the wants of my past self and my present self when they are indeed separate entities. Because if I’m being honest, a relationship with him does not sound like my ideal partnership.
Allow me to clarify. I meant that him being with men didn’t bother me because if he was only exclusively attracted to men, then there would be no way to continue the relationship. However, the fact that he is attracted to women means that perhaps I could have, which is where I believe I am having trouble differentiating my wants.
He actually does want commitment, which is interesting. From a friend’s perspective, I think he wants commitment so badly that he will do so with anyone he can. Which… becomes interesting because it sort of makes me seem like a last choice.
Currently, we are still living together, but no sex.
You are right. I have not experienced any other serious relationships. Only casual flings and hookups. Perhaps that’s another reason why I’m holding onto this idea of possibly being together? I have issues with opening up to new love interests, which can make the only “successful” one I’ve had seem like gold. I suppose sometimes it’s hard to see myself finding anything better…which I know is linked to my self-esteem.
I have never considered it being a co-dependency issue, however, I see how that becomes blatantly clear. How could I work on this without dissolving the friendship any? Already working on clear boundaries (currently).July 22, 2019 at 12:01 pm in reply to: How does one discover their passion (in regards to career)? #304379
Moondrop & Peter,
Thank you so much for your thoughful and reassuring words. I feel much more relieved and sure of myself now.June 25, 2019 at 6:12 am in reply to: How does one discover their passion (in regards to career)? #300669
For some reason, I feel as though my artistic temperament does not reach others and I am glad to learn that it does. I did not know that about Agatha Christie, I suppose sometimes we have to put to rest our idealizations of ourselves. I’ve never thought about having a division between career and hobbies, for they’ve always been muddled. I have never thought much about affirmations, would you recommend I write them on paper? Thank you for your insight.June 25, 2019 at 6:08 am in reply to: How does one discover their passion (in regards to career)? #300667
As always, your insight is exactly what I needed to hear. I do find that my decision making can be very emotionally charged rather than a planned out, calm and collected endeavor. It makes me happy to think that others consider my writing as capable. Ideally, I’d love to give myself this reassurance, however, I am a work in progress, like us all. I am grateful for your guidance, take care.
I’ve never viewed it that way, that he’s unavailable. It makes it easier to process since there’s nothing else I can do. I appreciate your comments about me, I am indeed 19 years old. The combination of couple’s therapy, individual therapy, and group therapy have truly reformed my perception on life. Also, adding in Buddhist principles helps me think clearly.
I agree with your proposed solution. Sleeping in the same bed is definitely a relationship privilege to me, along with cuddling. You’re right, it is now in the past.
Thank you for your kind words. I definitely want to continue our friendship, I am just at a loss because we have to continue living together.
You are very right. Sexuality aside, he was always oscillating between what he wanted with me, which gave me constant anxiety. Now he’s finally decided what he wants: friendship. It’s just tough waters to navigate.
Well for 3 months (last January, February, March) we were having big arguments more than twice a week, and petty fights just about every day. The intense arguing consisted of me communicating something, him taking it the wrong way, and the conversations spiraling wildly out of control. He’d threaten to leave, I would too. I would be crying and it would not bother him one bit. The arguing was slammed doors, silent treatment, manipulation, and awful communication. I was toxic in the sense that I used sex to control the relationship. As in, if he was being out of hand, I would rescind any intimate contact. He would do the same, but with affection and stability. The arguments were never physical, but they escalated out of control. I always felt powerless and trapped. The petty fights were rude comments, jabs, and anything to rile each other up. No boundaries whatsoever. However, after couple’s therapy we worked through all of that and now we are nothing like that. But I understand that the past is imperative to understanding a complicated relationship.