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Dear Ryan,
although this relationship hasn’t worked out the way you hoped for, I think it’s actually not a bad thing that it happened, because as you say yourself, you could be open and vulnerable, without slipping into the old defense mechanisms. This shows you’ve grown and aren’t the same man who has 2 failed marriages behind him. I say this in response to these words of yours: “there remain the issues that have led me to be twice-divorced, where I have yet to have an intimate, long-term relationship, in my 45-years of life. I certainly have a lot of work to continue to do.”
You don’t necessarily have so much work to do any more, neither you’re the same man you were before. Yes, there are still things to work on but you’re much more aware now and have the help needed. You’ll get there, for sure.
“I also need to work on my self-worth after working much of the past 10-years on my self-esteem.”
Actually, I think self-worth and self-esteem are one and the same, whereas self-confidence is a slightly more superficial thing, in that people may have self-confidence (due to their skills and accomplishments), but deep down, they may still feel unworthy. A typical example is an athlete who’s built his self-confidence around performance and winning. When they have an injury and cannot perform any more, they may become depressed because they based their worth on some outer thing – excellence in sports – and without it, they feel worthless.
The sense of worth is at the core of our being, it’s something that should be there simply because we exist. In childhood, if the message we’ve received from our parents was that they don’t appreciate us that much, they’re not happy to have us, that we aren’t that important to them – that’s how our self-worth gets damaged.
Based on my own experience, I believe that my mother criticizing me damaged my self-confidence, but her expressing that she didn’t want to have me (because she was afraid to have children, she felt incapable of being a mother) was what actually caused my lack of self-worth. When the child feels unwanted, this is how the wound happens. Interestingly, I wasn’t aware of my lack of self-worth until much later in life, I was only aware of my lack of self-confidence.
Anyway, now that you know what to work on, it doesn’t necessarily need to take a long time to heal it. You may start valuing and appreciating yourself already now, not because your outer achievements, but just because you’re valuable and worthy. We all are. This is how the sense of inferiority/superiority gets resolved too. You lose the need to compare yourself with others, you focus on your own life and growth, without looking what others are doing.
I wish you a happy new chapter in life, and keep us posted how you’re doing…
Dear Ryan,
good to read from you again. Also, I am glad about your job prospects – are you planning to accept the offer?
Did you have the chance to talk about the savior complex during your therapy session? Because I believe this is an issue. In a previous post, you wrote:
“I wanted to be someone different for her here in the small town in the middle of nowhere. Someone other than the country boys that abound. Someone who does more than drink, hunt, and fish. Wanted her to know that it’s okay to lean on others. That those she lets close aren’t going to let her down. That men see more in her than just a sexual being.”
It seems to me you wanted to be special for her, but also better than the average “country boys” in “the small town in the middle of nowhere.” There’s a sense of superiority there, like you’re better than the men there, you’re sensitive, you talk about your feelings, you’re not seeing women just as sexual objects. You come from a big city to this God forsaken place in the middle of nowhere, and you feel so much better than the local guys. Does that ring true?
You also said:
“I suppose my torment comes from a sense of rejection by her. Not in the romantic sense but it of the almost consistent rebuff by her.”
It appears that the greatest pain is that she rejected you, not necessarily as a romantic partner, but as this special person in her life, who could be a stable rock for her, who could give her what other men cannot, and eventually, who could save her from her demons. It’s almost as if she refused your uniqueness, she didn’t recognize how special you are, and this seems to hurt you the most.
If this is true, you’ve got issues with self-worth, which often goes hand in hand with the savior complex. Because you’ve grown a lot as a person and are much more self-aware than before, much more able to show vulnerability etc. So you made a definite progress, and this makes you feel better about yourself (and it should). But if there’s a deeper issue of lack of self-worth, we’ll start taking pride in being more “mature” than some other people whom we’ll then try to “save”, all in an attempt to prove how special and valuable we are.
This all happens subconsciously, but the result is that we’re attracted to “damaged” people, whom we then try to save, unsuccessfully…
Dear Neverdyed,
no worries, take your time 🙂
I must admit I had trouble understanding parts of your post, for example this:
“And I tried to see if I’d avoid interacting with my married male colleague, the result seemed to be no, probably because I’m aware that nothing can develop between.”
Have you interacted with you married male colleague, or you’ve avoided interacting? What was the nature of this interaction – romantic or just friendship?
“Can there be a friendship which I keep in touch with somebody without leading to a formal romantic relationship?”
Are you asking if there can be a friendship between a man and a woman without it turning into a romantic relationship?
“These days I’ve been so over the “connection” or the idea of reconciliation (even though I’m sure that I will neither initiate nor respond to him further), it still upset me a little when reading something suggesting a third party.”
Are you saying it upsets you that he was seeing other women as well, and not just you?
It seems you’re having a hard time letting him go, and it means you still need something from him. In my previous post, I asked you what is it that you need from him, and I speculated that if might not even be love, but respect. That’s because you seemed quite disturbed about him not replying to your chats, suggesting that it means he doesn’t value you as much as you do him (“in the last contacts, I noticed that he’d respond in rather long hours (please note again that in the first year, he replied quickly and almost daily), which is opposite to what I often did, and that shows an imbalance of how I and he values the connection. Maybe I simply expect to be valued equally.“).
By him not replying, he showed he values you less, and this seems to be the most painful part for you.
“Can you please give me an example of “start valuing yourself”?”
Valuing yourself may manifest in e.g. not accepting an open relationship but looking for men who are capable of a committed relationship. Valuing yourself can also mean expressing your needs in a relationship and not keeping quiet, fearing that your needs might be selfish.
Dear miyoid,
you sound much more energetic and forward looking, and that’s great! You are resourceful for sure, you’ve managed to find a way to help yourself and your mom to have some more income – at the tender age of 15. That’s pretty rare, and you should be proud of yourself, same as your mom is.
It’s nice to see you’re already considering your next steps career wise. I guess moving to another country would take more time, and in the meanwhile you could try experimenting with your designs. But for that you would need to have more free time than now, so perhaps you could find a part-time job, if you’re worried about the lack of income?
As for your boyfriend,
“I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.”
yes, it’s better if he moved out, because that will benefit both of you. He too wanted to move out and find his own way, and for now, I think that’s the best possible decision for both of you.
Dear Neverdyed,
“I think I do have become obsessed along the way, and all the contradictions contributed to the thread title.”
Yes, I think the contradictions were because you didn’t really know what you want. For example, Conflict #4: “I don’t want him to contact me when he’s with someone, but then it’d probably result in a long absence as he’s not going to be alone for sure.”
This conflict assumes that you need a man who dates other women and only gets in touch when he isn’t with someone else. But do you really need such a man? Do you want to depend on his breadcrumbs or you want someone who loves you and is committed to you? See what I mean? Your conflict would be resolved pretty quickly if you decided what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship.
Or Conflict #1: I hope to keep in touch with him, but I have no faith in keeping a formal relationship.
Do you want a formal, committed relationship, where your partner is eager to communicate with you, or you want an open relationship where he can just pop up whenever he feels like, but also disappear if he fancies to? Do you want commitment and constancy or you accept whatever he gives you, even if it leaves you hurt and frustrated? It’s on you to decide. Once you know what you want, the conflict will resolve by itself.
“It’s true that I feel if there was someone else here, I wouldn’t be so “stuck”, but I still don’t want to go meet people especially just to get over the situation. Also, it’d be worse if there was someone else here, yet my mind continued to focus on him…”
Yes, it’s better to let go of him first, before you venture out to meet other people. If you’re still stuck on him, you’d need to understand what it is that you expect from him, what are you hoping that he would give you, which you can’t give to yourself?
“Maybe I simply expect to be valued equally.”
Perhaps this is the answer to the mystery – perhaps you don’t even need love from him, but respect? That he values you? Perhaps what hurt you the most in his silence and not replying to your messages was that he showed lack of respect for you? What if the solution is to start valuing yourself, regardless of him?
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.