Hi SereneWolf,

You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?

No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields 🙂

And you’re indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.

Yeah, I guess so. It’s my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. That’s what I’ve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and it’s been a slow process to “unlearn” it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.

And it actually occurred to me that you’re the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my “modus operandi” is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.

Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didn’t protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didn’t protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the “peace” in the house, while less interested in their child’s well-being.

My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my mother’s behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?

Of course, when I was a child I didn’t know that my father’s silence meant that he isn’t able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My father’s silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my mother’s emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.

Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didn’t protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message we’ve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least that’s the message I’ve received.

You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.

Maybe I am repeating myself because we’ve been talking about this before. But it is what I’ve been thinking recently – how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too “independent” and not wanting to need anyone.

And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance – because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you don’t need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..)

So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didn’t need them for emotional sustenance either, because they’ve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldn’t imagine to move out and live independently.)

It’s not a bad thing if we’re physically/financially self-reliant (that’s something we should actually strive for as adults – to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm too (But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough). And this is giving you trouble now…

So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love.

Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when they’ve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they won’t hurt you or betray you.

Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isn’t right. My controlling behavior haha

Fast love can be infatuation – it’s when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess you’re afraid to fall in love – you are afraid to form an attachment to the person – because you are afraid they’d hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So that’s a risk that you are not willing to take yet.

I think that’s why you don’t feel “fast love” – because you’re preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.

And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.

Yes, and you’re actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesn’t let you start trusting her. It doesn’t let you fall in love with her either.

But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way I’m craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, I’m the problem it’s me

Yes, it is 🙂 You’re seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing 🙂

I’ve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think it’s related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.

How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like it…

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome!

I am fine more or less, having some issues but keeping my health anxiety at bay, which is a new experience for me. I am learning new things about the nervous system and how we can “rewire” it, so we can be less anxious.

You helped me to see the things for what they are and not for what I wish them to be. I am much better now knowing that my feelings were ,real’, that I am not overreacting and that there is someone out there who understands my pain.

I am happy you’re feeling better now and more understood. And yes, you were not overreacting – your father did cause you a lot of pain and then denied it, putting all the blame on you. As children, we always take that blame, we always believe there’s something wrong with us when the parent abuses or neglects us. And we carry that blame into our adulthood too.

We carry not only the blame, but also the belief that we are not good enough. This false belief almost becomes our “curse” because it directs everything we do, as well as the way we see ourselves and other people. And we might not even be aware of it.

I’m also glad that you could find ways to nurture your inner child and feel loved again

Yes, that was the turning point in my healing – when I’ve come across the concept of the inner child. Because until then, I was making some progress, but I could never stop blaming myself, I could never find enough compassion for myself – until I realized that I was an innocent, precious child who was not given the love and appreciation that every child needs and deserves. And that I was lacking because of that. That was the turning point, that’s when I could finally feel compassion for myself and start loving myself.

Your’re right about my father. I’ve lied to myself for so many years, explaining his bad behaviour and suffering in silence. I’ve shed too many tears…

Yeah, I can imagine. You were feeling unloved and uncared for, and you were excusing your father’s lack of love and care, and at least partially blaming yourself for it. I hope you can now see that it wasn’t your fault, and that you are lovable and worthy, even if your father didn’t show this to you.

I’m not gonna argue with him anymore or beg for his attention.

Good decision! Because his recent behavior shows that he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and keeps blaming you. Wanting anything from him would be a recipe for continual pain and suffering…

I will try to live day by day. I only hope that those past experiences won’t mess up my relationships with others.

I hope you can find the way to heal those childhood wounds. If you can’t afford a therapist who works with the inner child, perhaps you could check out some online materials and try to do self-healing?

To answer your question Tee, I’m not sure what triggered my response with that last man. Maybe I was scared of him leaving me sooner or later? Or maybe I felt embarrassed that the stepfather can be more loving than my own father?

It could be either. If we feel not good enough, we then fear that people won’t like us and that they will leave us (like your father left you when you were a child). And so we try to prevent that hurt by leaving them before they can leave us.

Or the other option you’ve mentioned: you might have felt the pain of your father’s lack of love and care for you, compared to this man’s care for his stepson. So both can be true, Dafne. It could be that talking to this man triggered your own wounds, and it was overwhelming.

I did send him a message, he replied but still no 2 date in sight. He might enjoy his fun, bachelor life now and I might be too serious for him.

He might have felt a certain neediness in you, a certain heaviness, because when our wounds are not healed, we are very needy. Indeed, we are like little children, needing to be the center of our parent’s (now partner’s) world. So if you expected him to have you as the center of his world, and not to have any other interests and not to care for anyone else (including his stepson), that could have felt heavy for him.

You mentioned in your other post that your husband is your best friend and helped you in that hard time. I find it amazing. Depression or anxiety should never be a reason for him/her to neglect or quit the relationship.

Yeah, my husband has been a great support to me, not just now, when I am struggling with all these health challenges, but in the past too. In the beginning of our relationship he was a bit of a care-taker for me, like a good parent figure, and I was quite needy. But then we had some challenges, and it was a wake-up call for me to start working on myself and healing my issues, because otherwise I would have lost him.

Tee, if you do not mind asking me, where did you guys meet? Are you both from the same country?

We met many years ago at a business conference. We’re not from the same country but were living in neighboring countries, and so it was a 5-yr long long-distance relationship before I finally moved to his country.

Life is so unpredictable…we never know what’s around the corner.

Yes it is. In fact, I never wanted to go to this conference, because it was at an inconvenient time for me, but that’s where I met my husband. So it was the best thing ever 🙂

Let’s pray for our healing and to feel at ease once again

Yes, I hope that both of us will feel more at peace in our lives. I hope you can find some peace now, after you’ve realized some things about your father and accepted that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you can start loving yourself more, bit by bit <3

Hi Gavin,

you’re welcome. I am sorry you’re going around in circles and that you feel you’re out of time (years which I don’t really have anymore) and that you blew it, for good. I know that in your current state of mind, it’s hard to be open to a different perspective.

But I’m still going to tell you that at 51 you’re definitely not out of time for happiness and a new beginning. You may be late for a reconciliation with her, but you’re not late to fix your own life and your own mind (I think I am a person who sometimes doesn’t know his own mind or what’s good for him), and to figure out what is good for you and what you really want in life.

The problem is that I cannot excuse myself and blaming my childhood seems like an excuse to me, or perhaps a way of passing the blame for my actions

Barbara Heffernan, a therapist and coach whom I highly respect, once said: “Healing is a fact-finding, not a fault-finding mission“. We need to know what caused our deficiencies, so we can heal, so we can make up for what is missing. The goal is not to blame your parents and make excuses for yourself, but to know what needs fixing.

We as children have some basic needs that need to be met in their proper time (like the need for safety, love, care, appreciation, validation). And if those are not met, some parts of our complex being remain not properly developed. Emotionally, we remain trapped in a child-like state of feeling selfish (every child is naturally selfish and self-centered), and unable to see the needs of others (I had no empathy in my soul during that insane period of time when I had ignored her). Children who were emotionally abused or neglected didn’t have a chance to learn empathy because they haven’t gotten any empathy themselves.

You hate yourself for being so “diabolically” selfish, and I trust that you might have been very selfish with her. But if you were never shown empathy as a child, how could you give it to her? We cannot give what we don’t first get and internalize. In short, we cannot give what we haven’t received…

I wonder if this speaks to you in any way? Have you felt a lack of empathy and understanding for yourself while growing up? I don’t want to pressure you into talking about it, but if you feel like exploring it some more, I’d be happy to.

Hi Gavin,

I am sorry you’re in so much pain. I get that this was a rude awakening, and the sense of loss is huge. But please, don’t get stuck in self-blame, because after all, there are reasons why you behaved the way you did – even if those reasons are “irrational”.

I understand the connection to my childhood, but the truth is I was selfish and blind to the future and the possible ramifications of what I was doing, even though in the back of mind I knew it was wrong and could lose her

In this above sentence, you do acknowledge the causes of your irrational behavior (childhood trauma), but you gloss over them and continue to beat yourself up for what you’ve done. Please don’t gloss over it, don’t think it’s a small thing. Your childhood trauma, if unhealed, is totally capable of causing such irrational behavior.

Please see yourself as a childhood trauma survivor, and see everything that happened in that light. And then, as anita said, have compassion for the little boy exposed to those negative experiences.

The trauma that we suffer in childhood forms us as persons, it affects both our physical and mental health. And it can make us selfish and blind too. Some people never awaken to their selfishness and blindness, and they keep hurting people (you know the saying: hurt people hurt people). But you have awakened, even with a great sense of loss.

Many of us like that: we need a kind of a shock “therapy” to awaken – we need a super painful experience to finally change our ways. But the most important is that you have awakened. You have realized that you’ve been wrong. However, please also realize and awaken to the fact that your trauma caused you to behave like that. Have those 2 realizations simultaneously.

Don’t just focus on what you’ve done, which keeps you stuck in the loop of self-hatred and self-blame. Also, think of yourself as the survivor, victim if you will, of childhood emotional abuse. That’s the reason for your selfish and irrational behavior. Once you heal that trauma, you won’t behave the way you did.

So find compassion for yourself – for the little boy who’s been hurt – and start your healing journey from there. We can only heal if we find compassion for ourselves. Everything else is just treading water, leading us nowhere.

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh actually I didn’t even know there’s a specifically thing like health anxiety exist

Yeah, it’s actually a nicer and truer version of the term “hypochondriac”. I don’t feel like a hypochondriac, and it’s hurtful when someone hints I might be, because I do have real and debilitating health issues. However, I do tend to worry a lot and feel less resilient than I really am, and this leads to taking some of my symptoms too seriously and catastrophizing about them. So it’s like there is a real reason why I am concerned about my health, but still, I don’t need to worry that much. This excessive worrying is a part of health anxiety, and luckily I am learning how to deal with it and calm myself down.

I did apply but unfortunately didn’t get selected. Someone with even higher experience than me started working there with less salary package. But I didn’t sulk over that because it was months ago and I thought maybe that person needed that job more than me.

Oh I am sorry you didn’t get that job. But you handled it well – not stressing about it, but accepting it and not feeling “less than” because of it. Well done, SereneWolf!

And what I’m looking for is working in HealthTech or Sustainability sector. Because I think it’s meaningful for me and also impactful.

Yes, they both are super important sectors, and sustainability is close to my heart too. It’s good that you’re looking for jobs in fields that are meaningful to you!

Luckily just Thursday I passed initial interview for this Healthtech company. It’s really good position. Took me really long to get selected for a position like that. It’s also fully remote. And enough pay that I can also move to Europe without any issues.

It sounds good! Congratulations on passing the first round!

Now I have next technical interview on Next Wednesday. but I have high hope for this as well as this crazy fear and anxiety that what if I don’t perform well and don’t get it? It’s a really good opportunity that I just don’t want to lose. And it’s just not even letting me practice with good focus. Because this one has multiple stage of interviews after interview on Wednesday there will be two more interviews. And I Need to ace all of this interviews.

I understand that you really want this job. And the pressure to get it. But unfortunately it increases your anxiety, which then makes it harder during the interview. Perhaps the first thing you’d need to do it put the perfectionist pressure off yourself: “I Need to ace all of this interviews.”

No, you don’t need to ace them. You don’t need to be perfect, which was the requirement your father has put on you. You only need to be yourself – which is GOOD ENOUGH.

Because honestly, without flattering you, Serenewolf, you are good enough. You are more than qualified, you have the experience, the knowledge, the managerial skills, and emotional intelligence as well. You’ve got both the tech skills and the soft skills. So really, I think you’re a well-rounded candidate with a lot to offer.

Please think of yourself in those terms. You’ll be a great asset for them, they’ll be lucky to have you. You’ve got a lot of offer. Try to think in those terms.

When I talked about this my therapist while ago she said at difficult time that’s what exactly you need, someone who really supports you and she told me try to stop always being self-dependent. But tbh I’m not able to do that for now. My focus for job is sharp. Because currently it’s a necessity.

Yeah, keep your focus on your job for now. You can return to the relationship topic later. But also, if you can relax a bit and see yourself as a great candidate for the job (like I suggested above), you don’t need to worry that much. Just change the perspective a little, and you won’t be under such huge pressure.

I’ve heard once that excitement and anxiety are very similar in terms of the hormones that are secreted. I’ve just looked it up now and found a Forbes article about it, titled “Anxiety vs relaxation: Relabeling anxiety as excitement“. Here is an excerpt:

The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement. Both feelings produce an elevated heart rate and a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Both might make you sweat. Your body is readying itself for action. But the feelings are different.

If you can redefine getting this job as an opportunity and challenge, rather than a horrible loss if it doesn’t happen, you might be able to feel more excitement and less fear and anxiety. Anyway, just an idea. Let me know how it sounds to you.

You’re right and like you know we discussed before like I need to be more hopeFul romantic not hopeLess romantic. But I don’t know why but I’m still very hopeless about love. On top of that because of this kind of thinking I’m already feeling like I’d end up alone and no one would love me with their whole heart if I’m keep rejecting love like this.

Because tbh I do really like her but I just don’t see future in her even though she’s really good I just don’t know why…

I think it has to do with your childhood experience of not feeling safe and accepted in the relationship with your parents (specially with your father). Relationship and vulnerability feels like a burden, perhaps even a threat, rather than a source of comfort and safety. From what we’ve talked about so far, relationship feels like a threat to your independence, freedom, life goals, pursuing your passions… Am I right in thinking that? And as long as you see relationship as a threat, no wonder you’ll be afraid of it.

I hope so. Because with another therapist it’s all from 0 to 1.

You mean you need to repeat everything about yourself to the new therapist, until they get to know you?

And more than that It’s the good relationship you know. Because I want good connection too. … And just look her dedication she said we can communicate over written letters like the old times. And she won’t even charge me any fees for that.

She does sound like a very kind and supportive person, who is willing to help in spite of her health issues. That’s admirable. I understand why you don’t want to switch to someone else. Let’s hope she will get better soon. By the way, does she have a diagnosis of what her eye problems are?

Self-healing is indeed not easy. But at the end of the day therapists are only like a guide but all the inner work we have to do by ourselves so..

Sure, yes, a good therapist is first and foremost a positive, compassionate presence in our life. Someone who listens to us without judgment. Someone we can be authentic with. Therapeutic relationship is important precisely because of that. Because a therapist ideally creates a safe, non-judgmental place for us to express ourselves, to be ourselves. Something many of us didn’t have while growing up. In doing so, the therapist also teaches us to create that safe place within ourselves: our internal good parent, or Uncle Iroh or Lord Krishna.

And you succeeded in creating that safe space within yourself, because as you say: And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

And because of that, yes, it’s easier to do self-healing too, because you have your own inner therapist now. The inner critic is still there, but Uncle Iroh is there too, and that’s so precious!

Well I do feel like I’m making a progress but for different perspective I wouldn’t mind you telling what do you think my progress so far? Because obviously you continuously contributing a huge part in my healing journey. Because we started communicating long before I even started therapy.

Thank you, SereneWolf. I think you’ve made an amazing progress. I remember in the beginning you didn’t want to accept that our childhood has a huge impact on us as adults 🙂 but then you kind of “got it”, and that’s when you really went deeper and expanded your self-awareness. That’s when you decided to start therapy too… All that helped you to have much more compassion and understanding for yourself. And I hope you do feel better about yourself in your day-to-day life, without too much self-blame and self-criticism?

You still have work to do related to the fear of relationship, but you’ll get there. Right now, focus on feeling good enough for the job you’re applying for. Because as I said, you’re more than good enough. Just try to get your confidence up, feeling good in your own skin, and I promise you, you’ll ace that interview, without even trying to do it 😀

Hey SereneWolf,

thanks for your quick reply and a warm welcome, I appreciate it!

I do know that you’re very strong & resilient and I admire that.

Actually, I am only now starting to learn to be more resilient. These health issues made me feel very fragile physically, but I’ve realized I am also fragile emotionally. For example, believing that I’d never heal, worrying, catastrophizing etc. And I’ve learned that those are all symptoms of health anxiety. So now I’ve learned how to cope with that anxiety, and also to start seeing myself as more resilient (physically) than I thought I was.

So nowadays, whenever I have a flare-up of my symptoms, I don’t start despairing and thinking my life is over, but I let it pass. And within a few days, my symptoms do subside and I feel better again. So this is how I am learning resilience… by tolerating physical pain 🙂 But it’s been hard, a very hard lesson.. but anyway, that’s life, I hope I am now stronger because of it 🙂

For Job let’s say I’m still being resilient and applying. There were days when I felt like absolute trash. Because I wasn’t seeing any results. And I was worried for financial pressure too. So like finding a job and on top of that financial pressure. That’s the only two things that rendered in my head. Made me sick to my stomach. It was even harder to enjoy simple things (Which I normally enjoy) But It’s getting better.

So you ended up not applying for that entry level job, which was paying well and looked promising?

I am sorry it’s been so stressful for you. Are the opportunities so limited or you are somewhat picky, looking for a very specific thing?

About relationship. Because of this much pressure I totally made her distant from myself. She did try but I wasn’t just in right mental state.

I see. It just occurred to me that when you are under stress and feeling bad about something (like with the job search at the moment), you don’t need anyone around to support you. Like, a romantic relationship isn’t a resource for you, but a burden, it seems? And so you tend to get rid of the relationship, to feel less burdened, right?

Even now I’m just not thinking about it that much. We rarely talk. I even told her that it’s better that she finds someone more suitable according to her needs. But she said no. So now we’re like a non-committed friends who kiss sometimes.

It seems she really likes you and is waiting for you. I am kind of rooting for the two of you too 🙂 Because she seems like a good girl… But anyway, you’ll see. Those things cannot (and shouldn’t) be forced, that’s for sure.

And It’s been one and a half month I’m not seeing my therapist. She got some health issues too. Mostly her eyes and throat. Which is very crucial for online sessions you know. And she did suggest me another therapist but I didn’t liked her that much so I stopped.

Oh I am sorry about that. I also had some eye issues, and it was very frightening, but I did get better, thankfully. I hope your therapist will get better too.

So I talked to her and she said she believes that I’m more than capable of doing self-healing and I’m improved much faster rate than she imagined. So told me keep working on some exercises and working on healing my emotional wounds and whenever I need a like a push, she’ll help me.

Are you doing those exercises? Are you in touch with her? I mean, is she available at least from time to time? Because self-healing is hard, although not impossible.

So told me keep working on some exercises and working on healing my emotional wounds

I’ve heard once a great concept, which is that emotional wounds happened in a relationship, and that’s why we also need a relationship to heal them. A therapeutic relationship primarily. Or we need to have a strong sense of self-compassion, which is like having an inner therapist rather than the inner critic. Unless we have developed a strong inner coach/therapist/good parent figure, emotional healing is hard to do on our own.

So I think it would make sense to try to find another therapist – someone you do have a good rapport with. Unless you’re feeling you’re making progress on your own too?

Hi Adam,

how have you been? I am sorry for disappearing, I had health issues and a related health anxiety, and it was weighing me down.

I hope you are well…

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words and welcome!

I am sorry to have been slow to respond, but as I’ve said, I’ve been dealing with health issues this whole year, which I believe triggered an old childhood trauma. And this made it harder to deal with the chronic pain and the roller-coaster of getting better only to get worse again. So it’s been both physically and mentally/emotionally draining. But I think I am starting to see the light of the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been seeing a therapist, but have been watching some really good videos on health anxiety, which helped me a lot. So I am feeling a little better at the moment 🙂

I’m still experiencing some post covid symptoms & anxiety is one of them. I’m trying to stay positive but it is not always easy. Especially when you do not have a strong support system of your family & friends.

Is your anxiety health related? That you’ll never heal completely or something to that effect? I know it’s much harder when you need to go through those challenges alone… You earlier mentioned a friend of yours, whom you talk a lot about dating and relationships – is she around to help you?

I’m trying to apply your advice step by step but many times my fear is stronger. I did learn to say ,no’ & to set some boundaries but I still feel really isolated & find it hard to trust people & open my heart again.

I am happy that you’ve learned to say no and set some boundaries. That’s already a big improvement! It’s better to guard your heart from the people who would like to take advantage of you. You gave many opportunities and a benefit of the doubt to that policeman, and yet, the only thing he wanted was sex. I am glad you managed to say No to his conditions!

Most men I’ve met miss the ,spark’ they felt with their exes and their hearts are not available to me. Even after the brake up of their relationship, they still long for that feeling with someone new. Or they do not want to settle down at all.

I am sorry about that, Dafne. Have you been dating some more since the policeman?

Recently, I spoke with my father (after many years of absence). I told him how I felt, about my childhood pain & broken hear. He replied that he doesn’t want to feel criticised and that it was between him and my mother. Also he said that I’ve chosen this life for myself before I was born. I wrote my destiny. Everything is my decision and he will not care about any consequences of it. He also said that he has nothing do with my bad partner choices. For him it is a nonsense and how psychiatrist make money.

It seems your father doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his own behavior and for having hurt you. My mother is also like that – she feels she was a great mother and did nothing wrong in my upbringing, whereas the truth is that she was emotionally abusive my entire childhood (and would still be, if I let myself be abused). I tried to explain to her how she hurt me, but she flat out refused any responsibility and is claiming that she was a good and sacrificing mother. So I know that it doesn’t make sense to try to convince her of the opposite, or to try to get compassion and understanding from her.

It seems it’s a similar situation with your father: he flat out refuses any responsibility, even to the point of claiming that you as a child asked for it (asked for abuse and neglect) and “wrote your destiny”. As if parenting has nothing to do with the child’s mental and emotional health. Whereas exactly the opposite is true: a large study (called the ACE study) has proven that children exposed to emotional abuse and neglect have a much greater chance of having life-long physical and mental health issues.

By claiming that he had no negative impact on you and that you chose your own destiny, your father is heavily gaslighting you, washing all responsibility from himself. That’s toxic behavior.

It also shows that unfortunately there is no point in trying to get any empathy or understanding from him, because he isn’t capable of that. Trying to get him to see how he has hurt you will only hurt you more, so my advice is not to talk to him about that any more. I’ve realized that about my mother too, so I am not attempting to get from her what she isn’t capable of giving me (I had been trying for many many years, but have finally given up, realizing that it is only hurting me).

He never supported us emotionally or financially in any way. And now, he has a small piece of land near his place that he wants to sell. So he proposed that I could buy it from him as: ,nothing comes for free in life’ (his words).

Since he isn’t and has never been a loving father, and since staying in his proximity will likely only hurt you, I wouldn’t buy this piece of land. I wouldn’t tie myself to him in any way. Because I can imagine a scenario in which you end up taking care of him in his old age, while he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. I mean, I don’t know him, but I see no compassion on his side. I only see self-interest. Maybe he isn’t needy and wouldn’t demand you to take care of him, but in any case, I wouldn’t like to live near him.

Apparently, this proposal is a hot deal & he won’t hesitate to sell it to someone else. I felt like it is a business proposal and not loving reconnection after years. I felt disappointed but couldn’t really say much.

Sorry for responding only now, I hope you haven’t bought it in the meanwhile. It does feel cold and calculated, like a business proposal. No wonder you feel disappointed. But it’s better not to be close to him physically, when you cannot be close emotionally. And his stance is really hurtful.

I am sorry, Dafne. You definitely deserve more than your father’s kind of “love”. Which isn’t love at all. Some people aren’t capable of love, and so they come up with all kinds of excuses why selfishness and lack of empathy is normal (“nothing comes for free in life“). When again, let me refute that claim, because as they say, the best things in life are for free.

So everything that your father is claiming about love and life is probably untrue… and it needs revision.

Tee, what would you say or do in my place?

For starters, I wouldn’t buy that piece of land. And I wouldn’t try to get any empathy from him either. When he tells you that “nothing comes for free in life”, you can say “the best things in life are free”. You can say it out loud or just to yourself. But it’s important that you start refuting those falsehoods about life and love that he taught you (you don’t need to refute it to him, but to yourself), and learn a different set of beliefs – beliefs that will help you love yourself more.