Hi SereneWolf,

So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they don’t need you any more?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way.

I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if it’s not such an urgent problem, you don’t need to go back to the system you don’t like…

Hi SereneWolf,

oh I am so sorry 🙁 This is a huge cut back in work force. Do you know what caused it?

Please don’t lose hope, since you are very capable and talented. This is just a temporary setback. You’ll find something else for sure, as you possess managerial skills as well. I know it’s very hard at the moment, but try to stay positive. Remember, you are resilient and have been through tougher situations before.

I hope you’ll hear from the companies you sent your resume to soon. Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Hi Beni,

It seems to me you’re used to the role of care-taker, taking care of other people’s needs, but you have trouble expressing your own needs, and specially asking for help when you need it:

I naturaly take care of everyone around me. Boundaries and my business, not my business are things I reflect upon a lot. I have to be very careful to only give with harmony to myself.

It seems you like to give and give, and it’s sometimes too much and you lose your own harmony?

You say you want connection with people, but you believe you need to first deserve it:

I want connection, I need to do something for it to deserve it. Like, I have a Garden where I can invite people too.

So you believe you need to have a nice garden, i.e. first give something to people, in order to deserve that they visit you, right?

Actually I just want to invite people. I deep down I know that. It’s like my core motivation is crooked. Actually I just want to be connected. This should go first.

I create an event where I can ask somebody for help and that does not feel right. I don’t want to ask for help if it’s not honest.

I see – you feel dishonest if you first give something (e.g. organize a garden party) in order to receive. You would like to receive love and attention, without having to do something for people first, right? You would like to receive without “bribing” them, so to speak?

Could it be that you had a similar dynamic in your childhood, where you were a care-taker for your parent(s) and siblings? And you’ve learned to believe that you are only worthy if you first give to others?

especially the “at times like this” triggers me. I think it’s difficult because if I get rejected it can break my heart.

Maybe you believe that you’re not worthy if you are sick and needy. You might fear that if you show your neediness (i.e. express your needs), you’ll be rejected.

Once I’m frozen it’s difficult to ask for help. I think when I freeze it’s already late. I don’t know how to deal with the frozen state. I might need somebody who touches my shoulder and tells me everything is alright. You’re save.

I want to talk to the guy’s at work and I want to let them know that when I’m lost. I’m actually scared. And that I’m not shure what I need. And I’d like to try that that they touch my shoulder and tell me everything is alright.

It’s good that you’ve realized that you need someone to reassure you that you’re safe and that everything will be fine. I believe it would be best if you could work with a therapist to provide that safe haven for you, where you can freely express your feelings and even your neediness, without needing to impress anyone.

I would rather work with a safe person, like a therapist, than with your work colleagues, because they might not understand what you need. I would only express that level of vulnerability if those colleagues are super safe and would be able to provide that non-judgmental, loving support.

Or if you have a good friend (you say you don’t have a close friend, but there are a few people in your circle with whom you could get closer). So I suggest to open up only to safe people, rather than to someone who might not be able to offer that level of understanding and support.

I’ll be happy to talk to you and further unpack this, if you find it helpful.

Dear Caroline,

No, more like distant- afraid to offend me, not knowing “whats going on”. I think I often seem “cool” about everything.

I see. So she is noticing that you are not “cool” about being mocked and ridiculed any longer (about being treated like a doormat, frankly), and that the dynamic has changed. And she seems confused about what to do. She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

Normally she would say this movie is stupid and waste of money. Recently I think she is more mindful of what she is saying.

I did express it, but she kinda laughs about it.

Alright, so it seems she usually ridicules and laughs at the things you like. It seems she has a very different taste than you and also feels superior about it – as if her taste is better than yours. If so, I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

I talked to her couple of days ago. I told her she treats me like a child and I feel stupid most of the time. And that she mocks all my ideas, tells me what to do all the time.

Well done, Caroline! That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

And it’s nothing wrong about that, it’s just.. I am so much different, I used to be so much different. I wanted to make decisions together, I thought it would be nice. So I asked her: is this furniture nice? should I buy it? Shall we paint my room? etc..

Yeah, a part of it I think is your desire for mutuality, to make decisions together, based on similar preferences. Perhaps you hoped you’d choose something you both liked, and that the process of choosing would be a pleasant experience. A sort of a bonding experience. But what you’ve received was being ridiculed and mocked, and your ideas being shut down. Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

And I don’t want her to pretend she likes somethings when she doesn’t, like last weekend when we watched a movie and she knew I liked it and I think she was a bit afraid to be honest. I think it’s more healthy for her to be honest and for me to respond than just be silent and pretend.

Yes, it would be better if she were honest. But if she were honest, perhaps it would turn out that she likes very different things and that there isn’t much that you two have in common? I don’t know. How do you feel about that? Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

Hi Benedikt,

you are very welcome.  I am sorry you have a trapped nerve and it’s making it difficult for you to cook, clean, do the gardening etc. That’s completely normal that with the pain you’re in, you can’t do those things.

But it seems the problem is that you feel uncomfortable to ask anyone for help (I feel guilty if I get help from someone. It’s hard to receive.) Is that the main issue?

At the same time, you feel the benefits of socializing with people, because that’s when the pain subsides (Painkillers don’t work. But what works is, when I’m with people and have meaningful connections. I still have pain but I can take it.).

Right know I belief that what I actually want is deep connection with people.

That’s a good goal to have. How is your social life at the moment? Do you have friends or family who would be able to help, but you’re afraid to ask? Perhaps you believe that people won’t like your “neediness”, and that’s why you freeze when you think of asking for help?

In order to have a deep connection with people, we need to be willing to show our vulnerability and even “neediness” at times like this, when we are physically impaired. We are not bad for needing help sometimes. Showing vulnerability is what actually helps us connect with people in a deeper way.

I don’t know if this resonates?

Dear Benedikt,

Often doing it feels like a bourden and there is little joy. I talk about stuff which is fun like Painting, Gardening. There’s no pressure, it’s meaningfull things.

Are painting and gardening things that you would like to try, like hobbies, or it’s something which feels more like chores? Usually, we find joy in our hobbies, because those are the things we like and no one forces us to do them. On the contrary, if the joy is missing, maybe it means there is some expectation on yourself that you should do those things, but you don’t really want to.

It could have something to do with this inner belief that I have to do everything myself which makes it very difficult to ask for help (I feel guilty when I manage)

I don’t really understand it, it feels like I see the start and the end but no in between. The in between is scary.

Yes, it could be that you feel you need to do everything by yourself, which takes out the joy from it. Could it be that what you feel is something like this: you’d like to have a nice garden, but you don’t know how to go about it. You feel you need to figure it out all by yourself, and that’s scary. And you feel you can’t ask anyone because you will be seen as a burden if you do?

Dear Katrine,

Yeah, especially when he really wants (and needs) stability.

I hope I can get him to realise that he needs a more stable job

In what way is his current job unstable? Is it season dependent? Or he can be fired at any time if he tries to ask for better conditions (e.g. a day off here and there)?

He wants better options and more safety than Brazil, he has had guns on him a couple of times and would always carry two cell phones (one to give in case he gets mucked and his own phone) he has pre settle status here same as me, so he can come back.

Oh wow, so there’s a lot of crime in Brazil and he wants better safety. And also more options. You say he is studying, which is cool. So hopefully that will give him more options down the line to find a better job… So perhaps this now is just temporary and there will come a time when he will be living a more peaceful, less chaotic life?

It’s great that he has a pre-settle status in the UK. That’s a good option to have, in case things Portugal get tough.

Dear Katrine,

glad that exercise and rest helps in reducing pain. Wish you to recover fully!

I am glad you had a nice, long talk and that he is still interested in you. But it’s not really a good situation that he cannot get 2 days off till September (and he is not sure about that either). It seems this company is overworking him, because they hire too few people for a large job. I don’t know what his duties are as property manager, but the fact that he has no time off during the season, and very little time off even after the peak season is over, is worrying.

He doesn’t have any stabiity like he needs,

I can imagine it’s hard for him. I guess he is afraid to ask for better conditions, since he as a foreigner is in a vulnerable position, and they are probably taking advantage of that.

You said earlier that this is his dream job, but I guess it’s not so much any more, if he has to work non stop without any rest. What’s his opinion on this entire situation and how they’re treating him?

I am sorry about his father. Didn’t he already have surgery? Or now he needs another one?