Hi Adam,

how are things? How have you been?

Dear Katrine,

oh no, that’s such a bad luck! Maybe he didn’t answer about the new surgery appointment, simply because it’s still not sure when the doctor will recover. But I get your frustration. It’s just a lot, and the fact that he’s not with you on his birthday but out partying with his boss is particularly annoying. Okay, I also think the context is important, e.g. if they were alone partying or there were other coworkers present. Perhaps they wanted to throw him a birthday party, and that’s all it is.

But still, I get you. He is not that far away from you, and yet, he seems so far and unreachable, because of all these obstacles and circumstances in his life. I don’t know if he’s shown any commitment to you, and some concrete plans for the future, or he’s just going along, dealing with his stuff and trying to solve the issues that life throws at him, but not really having you as a priority in any sense? Having organized a meeting for his birthday would have been one such sign of commitment, and it didn’t happen.

So to be honest, I don’t like it either. I know he has a lot on his plate, but it does seem like he lacks commitment. Does he talk about your future together at all (including meeting you), or he avoids the topic and only talks about his problems?

Hi Beni,

I am back. It seems to have been a false alarm and I don’t have appendicitis. So they sent me home. I am relieved!

I am so glad that my words touched you and resonated with you.

I’m glad I mentioned it. I do it that way because it’s scary and in the moment I’m overwhelmed. I’d like to express my needs in a gentle, assertively way so they can be received easy.

Right, you’re afraid to appear too demanding. Perhaps you believe that expressing needs is selfish – that you are selfish if you do that?

Yes, it makes it more difficult to love. When I do, I can have thought patterns which tell me: “You do it to be liked”, “your manipulating people to like you”.

Actually this seems that you do believe that expressing needs is selfish. You are reprimanding yourself for having needs. You believe that even your purest, selfless love could be interpreted as manipulation and dishonest.

Yes, the word martyr fits in well.  … I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask “how are you” but actually you create space to tell how you feel.

I see. Yes, a martyr mother doesn’t really meet our emotional needs. Perhaps she meets our physical needs (she cooks for us, works hard so we can have nice things, etc), but she does that not with sincere love, but with “oh poor me, I am sacrificing so much for you, and you’re so ungrateful” type of attitude. She makes us feel guilty for being a child and having needs. She makes herself a martyr and we’re almost the “villain” for wanting anything from her. Perhaps you experienced something like that?

 I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask “how are you” but actually you create space to tell how you feel.

Right, she isn’t really interested in knowing how you are, but actually wants to talk about herself, and how hard her life is, right? She doesn’t have interest and cannot truly meet your emotional needs, because she is so needy herself.

I can see how with such a mother, you felt that your needs are selfish. That everything you did to connect emotionally – even expressing the purest, the most selfless love – would be deemed selfish.

When I was a child, my own mother would often reject my kisses and hugs (i.e. my sincere expression of love and affection), telling me that it’s stupidity, that it’s unnecessary, that such displays of affection are dishonest, or that it will spoil the child etc.

I am mentioning this, because my mother conditioned me to believe that needing physical affection is stupid and weakness. That my legitimate needs as a child were somehow “illegitimate”.

Perhaps your mother too conditioned you to believe that your basic emotional needs were illegitimate, and that needing love was selfish and manipulative?

You know, I don’t really remember what I did and what she did I can’t find much in my memory. I see her now and in sometimes I see myself. She also struggles with connection, I don’t think she has a best friend besides my dad.
I’m not sure if I tried to help her. I’m more prone to the freeze or self destructive behavior.

I see. You were more prone to dissociation then. It’s a defense mechanism. It happens because when we are a child, it’s too painful to stay present with such an emotionally (or even physically) unresponsive mother. The pain of feeling unloved is too much. And so we freeze and dissociate. That’s how we escape that immense pain of not being soothed, of no one coming to our rescue when we are in distress.

It could very easily be that your freeze and dissociation today is actually the same defense mechanism that you used as a child to escape the emotional deprivation you felt around your mother, and in your household in general (because you said your father was involved with his business, and the only emotionally available person was your grandmother.)

It’s hard to grow up like that, Beni. I totally feel your pain and your terror, actually, of not having anyone to emotionally regulate you, to be there for you in distress. But what’s amazing is that you are very aware of your needs: you know that what you need when you freeze is that someone put a hand on your shoulder and tell you “it’s going to be okay”.

That’s such a great observation, Beni. And so true. Because in fact, it’s your inner child who needs soothing and reassurance that everything’s going to be fine.

Over time, as you heal and develop emotional strength, you the adult Beni will be able to soothe the little Beni. You’ll be able to soothe yourself by putting one hand on your shoulder, and telling yourself “don’t worry, it’s going to be fine”. Right now, you still might need others to tell you this, and it’s completely okay. But with time, you’ll be able to tell it to yourself.

I had a massage workshop last year and we would be shown a sequence and then my memory would not work when I’d have to repeat. It was a very secure and loving environment.

The good bad thing is in my new job is that I’m seen. I can’t hide well, they know when I’m in zombie mode.

It’s wonderful you go to events where people are secure and loving. And also that you work at a safe, supportive place. If indeed you work in a more of a New Age field (e.g. massage therapy), there is a greater chance that your coworkers would be supportive and understand your needs. That they wouldn’t look at you strangely if you tell them you need a hug or a pat on the back when you’re in distress. So you can indeed ask them to be that safe person for you, while you are working on your healing.

I think I’m afaid to loose the job and the people in the job. I lost my last job and it felt like a breakup.

I can imagine you don’t want to lose this job, since the people are so supportive and they meet some of your emotional needs. Perhaps it will help you to see the situation with this new perspective: that it is your inner child who is probably freezing when you feel in distress, and that the goal is to heal enough so you can be a good, loving parent to your inner child.

If you see things this way, you won’t feel so dependent on your coworkers to meet your needs (although it’s great that they are loving and supportive), and you’ll begin to rely more on yourself. So perhaps you’ll be able to feel more relaxed at your job and not so afraid to “mess up” and lose the people around you.

Does this make sense?

Hi SereneWolf,

So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they don’t need you any more?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way.

I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if it’s not such an urgent problem, you don’t need to go back to the system you don’t like…

Hi SereneWolf,

oh I am so sorry 🙁 This is a huge cut back in work force. Do you know what caused it?

Please don’t lose hope, since you are very capable and talented. This is just a temporary setback. You’ll find something else for sure, as you possess managerial skills as well. I know it’s very hard at the moment, but try to stay positive. Remember, you are resilient and have been through tougher situations before.

I hope you’ll hear from the companies you sent your resume to soon. Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Hi Beni,

It seems to me you’re used to the role of care-taker, taking care of other people’s needs, but you have trouble expressing your own needs, and specially asking for help when you need it:

I naturaly take care of everyone around me. Boundaries and my business, not my business are things I reflect upon a lot. I have to be very careful to only give with harmony to myself.

It seems you like to give and give, and it’s sometimes too much and you lose your own harmony?

You say you want connection with people, but you believe you need to first deserve it:

I want connection, I need to do something for it to deserve it. Like, I have a Garden where I can invite people too.

So you believe you need to have a nice garden, i.e. first give something to people, in order to deserve that they visit you, right?

Actually I just want to invite people. I deep down I know that. It’s like my core motivation is crooked. Actually I just want to be connected. This should go first.

I create an event where I can ask somebody for help and that does not feel right. I don’t want to ask for help if it’s not honest.

I see – you feel dishonest if you first give something (e.g. organize a garden party) in order to receive. You would like to receive love and attention, without having to do something for people first, right? You would like to receive without “bribing” them, so to speak?

Could it be that you had a similar dynamic in your childhood, where you were a care-taker for your parent(s) and siblings? And you’ve learned to believe that you are only worthy if you first give to others?

especially the “at times like this” triggers me. I think it’s difficult because if I get rejected it can break my heart.

Maybe you believe that you’re not worthy if you are sick and needy. You might fear that if you show your neediness (i.e. express your needs), you’ll be rejected.

Once I’m frozen it’s difficult to ask for help. I think when I freeze it’s already late. I don’t know how to deal with the frozen state. I might need somebody who touches my shoulder and tells me everything is alright. You’re save.

I want to talk to the guy’s at work and I want to let them know that when I’m lost. I’m actually scared. And that I’m not shure what I need. And I’d like to try that that they touch my shoulder and tell me everything is alright.

It’s good that you’ve realized that you need someone to reassure you that you’re safe and that everything will be fine. I believe it would be best if you could work with a therapist to provide that safe haven for you, where you can freely express your feelings and even your neediness, without needing to impress anyone.

I would rather work with a safe person, like a therapist, than with your work colleagues, because they might not understand what you need. I would only express that level of vulnerability if those colleagues are super safe and would be able to provide that non-judgmental, loving support.

Or if you have a good friend (you say you don’t have a close friend, but there are a few people in your circle with whom you could get closer). So I suggest to open up only to safe people, rather than to someone who might not be able to offer that level of understanding and support.

I’ll be happy to talk to you and further unpack this, if you find it helpful.

Dear Caroline,

No, more like distant- afraid to offend me, not knowing “whats going on”. I think I often seem “cool” about everything.

I see. So she is noticing that you are not “cool” about being mocked and ridiculed any longer (about being treated like a doormat, frankly), and that the dynamic has changed. And she seems confused about what to do. She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

Normally she would say this movie is stupid and waste of money. Recently I think she is more mindful of what she is saying.

I did express it, but she kinda laughs about it.

Alright, so it seems she usually ridicules and laughs at the things you like. It seems she has a very different taste than you and also feels superior about it – as if her taste is better than yours. If so, I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

I talked to her couple of days ago. I told her she treats me like a child and I feel stupid most of the time. And that she mocks all my ideas, tells me what to do all the time.

Well done, Caroline! That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

And it’s nothing wrong about that, it’s just.. I am so much different, I used to be so much different. I wanted to make decisions together, I thought it would be nice. So I asked her: is this furniture nice? should I buy it? Shall we paint my room? etc..

Yeah, a part of it I think is your desire for mutuality, to make decisions together, based on similar preferences. Perhaps you hoped you’d choose something you both liked, and that the process of choosing would be a pleasant experience. A sort of a bonding experience. But what you’ve received was being ridiculed and mocked, and your ideas being shut down. Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

And I don’t want her to pretend she likes somethings when she doesn’t, like last weekend when we watched a movie and she knew I liked it and I think she was a bit afraid to be honest. I think it’s more healthy for her to be honest and for me to respond than just be silent and pretend.

Yes, it would be better if she were honest. But if she were honest, perhaps it would turn out that she likes very different things and that there isn’t much that you two have in common? I don’t know. How do you feel about that? Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

Hi Benedikt,

you are very welcome.  I am sorry you have a trapped nerve and it’s making it difficult for you to cook, clean, do the gardening etc. That’s completely normal that with the pain you’re in, you can’t do those things.

But it seems the problem is that you feel uncomfortable to ask anyone for help (I feel guilty if I get help from someone. It’s hard to receive.) Is that the main issue?

At the same time, you feel the benefits of socializing with people, because that’s when the pain subsides (Painkillers don’t work. But what works is, when I’m with people and have meaningful connections. I still have pain but I can take it.).

Right know I belief that what I actually want is deep connection with people.

That’s a good goal to have. How is your social life at the moment? Do you have friends or family who would be able to help, but you’re afraid to ask? Perhaps you believe that people won’t like your “neediness”, and that’s why you freeze when you think of asking for help?

In order to have a deep connection with people, we need to be willing to show our vulnerability and even “neediness” at times like this, when we are physically impaired. We are not bad for needing help sometimes. Showing vulnerability is what actually helps us connect with people in a deeper way.

I don’t know if this resonates?