Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome. As Roberta Said, you’re not obliged to anyone to keep in touch with your mother, and I think there is no point in meeting if you have such a strong reaction to her. Perhaps the best course of action is to take a time out – a pause in contact – until you’ve processed some of the childhood hurt and anger that you feel towards her. Your hurt and anger are totally justified, but if you leave them unhealed, they will be a burden for you and continue to contribute to your stress and anxiety.

As a mother myself I cannot in a billion years fathom how a woman could cause their own child to suffer

There is a saying “hurt people hurt people”. That’s how I came to understand my mother’s behavior. My mother was emotionally abused by her own mother, and she simply didn’t have it in her to give me love and affection. She was love-deprived herself. She couldn’t give me what she herself didn’t possess. That’s how I got to understand her and forgive her. But it doesn’t mean I’ll let her insult me and emotionally abuse me any more. I am keeping firm boundaries.

Anyway, maybe understanding that your mother was a hurt and deprived child herself can help you come to terms with her mistreatment? Furthermore, her mental illness incapacitated her to be a loving, caring mother. She probably didn’t even understand how she hurt you and your brother – even in her “sane” periods, when she was back from hospital.

Recently I feel like I am almost mourning the nurturing mother I never had, and so resentful of the one I do have.

It’s good you’re mourning the nurturing mother you never had. However, you can now make up for what you haven’t received as a child. You can give your inner child the love and care she never received from her mother. That’s called re-parenting.

I think the reason you’re so resentful is partly because you believe that you’re irreversibly damaged by the lack of your mother’s nurturance. But in reality, you are not. Your inner child can be reparented and this can change your emotional setup, so to speak. Those unmet emotional needs can be met now (you can do it either on your own or with the help of a therapist.)

I do agree that perhaps I need to learn how to deal with the way I react, rather than expect her to suddenly have a lightbulb moment (or to get OJ from a cow!) as this is realistically never going to happen.

Yes, it’s most likely not going to happen, unfortunately. But if you learn how to re-parent yourself, you won’t need her to have a lightbulb moment and finally become a mother you were always longing for. Your happiness and peace of mind won’t depend on her. And so, you’ll be less reactive to her, less triggered and less resentful.

But circumstances are different now and I guess there’s no harm writing another one. It’s just hard to know what I should suggest – that we don’t see each other at all? That we only see each other when I feel strong enough? I don’t really know where to draw the line.

How about if you give yourself some time to process and heal, which will enable you  to see and feel the situation with greater clarity? Right now, you know you don’t want to continue like before, forcing yourself to go visit and feeling horrible anxiety. But you’re also not sure you want to cut contact completely. So maybe give yourself time to figure out what you really want.

You can write a letter telling her that you are working on your mental and emotional health and you need some time to work things through before you can proceed meeting with her. Or alternatively, you can tell her that as a part of your new self-care routine, you can only meet her in a park for the time being. In the letter, try not accusing her but state your own needs and preferences (and present requirements) calmly.

How does this sound?

P.S. I’ve just read Roberta’s latest post – that’s excellent wording for your potential letter!

Dear Jamie,

So, I thank you for reminding this. To like myself is to then be able to learn how to be intimate with others in a way that is healthy, rather than trying to force something out of nothing, if that makes sense.

you’re welcome. It’s good that you’re aware of your people pleasing tendencies and are working on reducing them. Yes, we cannot really be intimate with others and have healthy friendships if we’re not authentic, if we try to mold ourselves into something we believe others want us to be.

The basis for healthy friendship is authenticity – showing up as you are, even if some people don’t like it. And the truth is that we can never be liked by everybody. Even the greatest people are hated by someone… and it’s not their fault, but the fault of those who are judging them unfairly.

It seems you ended up in this group of “friends” who were quite toxic. In the beginning you bonded over the common sentiment about the changes in the online community you belonged to. You shared that sentiment and joined the “rebel” group, so to speak. But as you say, this rebel group was all about gossiping and criticizing the people in the main group.

You said they didn’t have any interest in creating another online community that would meet their needs. And so all their energy went into criticism and crying about the “good old days” instead of creating something productive:

If losing the community was really that important to them, they would have figured out a way to create a new space for the old community to migrate to.

They’re not stupid people, they could have figured out a way to return to the good old days… They simply chose not to.

They were more attached to the identity of being helpless victims to circumstances, rather than doing something productive and positive.

There are people who are very good at criticizing and blaming others, but are not willing to take responsibility for their own happiness. As you say, this group behaved like helpless victims and focused all their energy on criticism and blame. Eventually, you became their target too… it reminds me of sorority groups or high-school groups, where they like to gossip the people outside of their clique. But as soon as a clique member leaves the room, they start gossiping them too. No one is spared (apart of maybe the group leader), because that’s the kind of vibe there…

I don’t know if that was the atmosphere in your group, but it does seem very toxic.

So, perhaps it’s a good thing that I no longer communicate with them. I don’t want to be like them.

Yes, definitely! You don’t need to be liked by that kind of people. You can never please bitter, criticizing people. You don’t need them in your life.

My issue, then, is split into two new issues now: How do I learn to like myself?

Maybe your lack of self-love stems from your childhood, so you’d need to heal those wounds. Healing the inner child who feels unlovable or unworthy might be necessary. If you want more pointers on this, or you’d like to share a little bit about your childhood, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

And secondly, how do I reconcile with squishing the part of me that wants to people please, in a world that has become increasingly individualist and only caring about people who can be of use to others?

Our true self is loving and kind. And naturally, we want to be loving and kind to people. But not at the expense of our true, authentic self. We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves.

You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries. Because there are people out there who will appreciate your kindness, and so, you can open up to them. But at the same time, you need to protect yourself from those who want to take advantage of you.

Happy to talk to you more about all this… and Namaste to you too!

Dear Lovejonesss,

it does seem this friend of yours gives you a different advice than she herself would do in a given situation. You say she is more of easy going and amicable with people, even if they cross her. She is even friends with all her exes (or at least doesn’t block any of her ex’s numbers).

But when you complain about something that annoyed you, her advice to you is to escalate the situation, to confront the person, to cut contact etc. She advises more “aggressive”/hostile reactions than she herself would do in the same situation.

Your problem, as it seems, is that you take her advice without thinking twice and you do what she tells you. And then maybe later you regret that you were tough on someone, when originally you didn’t even want to be, and it wasn’t even an issue for you (e.g. when the guy you’d just started dating didn’t invite you to his home for Thanksgiving). So your initial reaction would have been cool, you wouldn’t have even noticed that there’s anything wrong about it. But then your friend brought it up and sort of provoked you into overreacting.

My immediate questions to those who may have insight are:
-Why is it that allow this person (my friend) to get me so riled up?

There could be more reasons. One could be that you unconsciously feel obliged to react on her anger – as if you were her. It’s called emotional enmeshment. And it might be due to perhaps your childhood circumstances, when you took e.g. your father’s anger at your mother as your own (perhaps?). This is a wild guess, based on some of the things I read on your previous threads.

So it could be that you take another person’s anger and you act on it. And she does seem like an angry person, since you said she is quite judgmental and sees wrongdoing in many situations (the way she’ll ask questions or do things comes off as judgmental). Maybe she is the kind of person who is always angry and upset about something, but never does anything about it, but just verbally vents. And then you take her anger and act on it… Anyway, that’s one possibility – I am not claiming it’s true, it’s just an idea.

Another reason for getting riled up easily could be that there is suppressed anger in you. It’s not the anger at the actual person or situation in the present, but mostly the anger at what happened to you in the past (in your childhood). And so it’s kind of always there, under the surface, and leaks out easily. So whenever your friend suggests you should be angry – you do get angry and you “strike”.

I don’t know if any of the two above explanations rings true for you?

I am evolving and recognize that I have kind of followed her lead in the past. Perhaps I was uncertain about how to handle things, so I turned to one of the people I felt safe with. But as I begin to become more observant, I realize that I have to set a boundary. It may not be me verbally saying anything to her, but being sure not to take any of her advice unless I am 1000% sure that is the direction that I want to go in. I am no longer going to allow her behavior to affect me, nor will I just go along to get along because it hasn’t served me.

It’s great that you are realizing you don’t need to follow her lead and do what she says. The bolded part is I think the most important – perhaps you don’t even need to tell her anything, but you make sure to think twice before reacting and do only what feels right for you. You don’t need to take on her anger, or agree with her judgments. Stay true to yourself, even if she urges you to react differently.

Or if you decide to address the issue, you can tell her that you noticed that she herself avoids confrontation, while at the same time urging you to be confrontational – and that you don’t like that.

But I think the first task would be to separate yourself from her judgments and opinions, and follow your own.

Hi SereneWolf,

Ohh you still haven’t found a good doctor?

ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatment…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same with my parents. I mean it could be just innocent love to their kids. But just because they provided me in the childhood now they’re expecting things from me?

What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?

I’ve watched the video and it seems really on point so basically the idea is just putting down your negative thoughts on paper because PTSD mind is mostly dysregulated. Right?

Yeah, it’s a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments – because by writing them down, it’s like we observe them, we don’t identify with them. So we’re less consumed by them. Which means – more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.

I also took her free test for today and now I’m more firm that I may have C-PTSD

Yes, I think almost everyone with emotional neglect and abuse has it….

I’ve just tried the method today and I’m kind of feeling like less weight of fears already.

Wow, that’s cool! Good to hear!

I’m also trying to find insights, but I guess I’m just tired today.

Sure, give yourself time…

Well currently I’m just trying affirmations but the thing is that I’m not used to tell myself nicer things, so I have to dig deeper and find my unique and skills and abilities.

Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideas… to mention just a few 🙂 But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true self…

It’s like diamonds covered in dirt – they aren’t always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they weren’t, you would still be worthy…

I took time to write because I was busy and frustrated with work, I think I’m still very much of a result-driven person. Because I’m working on this project for so long trying different strategies but getting the same result and less efficient. It’s really making me feel down and questioning my abilities.

I am sorry you’re not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?

Dear Maida,

A lot of things happened to me starting in 2010. I lost my job, then my car, then my home, and then all my friends

That’s hard, I am sorry this happened to you. You say you lost your friends for various reasons (Every single friendship of mine fell apart at the same time, for various reasons.) Just a thought here: do you think it’s possible that some of those friends were around because you were well-off materially? And/or because they were superficial friends? And then as you went through a financial loss, and likely emotional crisis too, those people just evaporated from your life?

Or you perhaps changed, due to the crisis you were going through, and you became difficult to relate to?

I am just throwing ideas here, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.

I no longer have any confidence in myself, so I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.

people always seem put off by my personality. That never used to happen before, and I can’t figure out how to change myself back into the kind of person that others wanted to know.

How have you changed since 2010, are you aware? You say you lost self-confidence. Why do you think that’s the case?

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome. Thank you so much for your kindness and appreciation!

I’m someone who believes in giving second chances but I feel that sometimes I give too much.

The problem is that I am always trying to see the good in a person and find the excuses for their behaviour. Maybe deep down I am afraid of a rejection. I suffered a lot of emotional pain in my childhood and same pain came back as I started dating men (which was really late, in my 30’s). My dadd was mostly cold and absent from my life but I never wanted to blame parents for my difficult dating experience.

Well, the thing is that our childhood experience with our parents affects us so much in every aspect of life, specially in the field of romantic relationships. If we had a cold and emotionally unavailable parent, we tend to be attracted to people who are similarly cold and unavailable, in hope to finally get the love we haven’t received as children.

Also, it could be that you found excuses for your father’s coldness and absence (that’s what we always do as children). And so now, you tend to find excuses for the poor behavior by the men you are involved with? You even feel sorry for them (I felt sorry for this last man as divorce is never easy). It’s very similar to how you as a child felt for your distant father, I assume – feeling sorry for him, finding excuses, even blaming yourself for his lack of love?

Also I could not understand why he did not want to keep in touch and see how things will progress? It was his way or no way at all.

I could understand that he did not want to meet me in public as they could accuse him of adultery etc.. and he could pay more in divorce. The thing I did not understand is why he did not park in his building’s parking but 2 streets away and had to walk all the way back?

Well, I think you couldn’t understand because you wanted to believe him. Even if his behavior was deceptive (parking his car 2 streets away from his apartment), you didn’t see it as something fishy but you just went along and trusted him. It’s not your fault – we tend to have blind spots when we have emotional wounds from childhood. That’s why we don’t see those red flags…

He told me that he needs the closness and even only a kiss would be fine for him to feel better.

He tried to manipulate you into kissing, and then from there, he would have proceeded to touching (because he said he wants cuddles)…

He got a hug instead and this was not enough for him on a first date.

Hug wasn’t good enough for him, because hug is more of a friendly gesture, and he didn’t want to be friends with you or develop any kind of emotional intimacy. He only wanted sex.

Some of the dating advices (and woman I know too) say that NOT kissing a man on a 1 date is a very bad thing and most man will not want to see you again (even if you hug him or say that it is too fast). Is that true Tee?

No, it’s not true. In fact, a lot of dating coaches view dating as an interviewing process – you see whether you are compatible, whether you share the same values and ideas about the future etc. Kissing on the first date is absolutely not a must. And if the guy breaks up with you for that, well, good riddance! You’ve dodged a bullet, as they say.

Does it apply to separated men too? And shall we always accept it and if not, how to refuse it to not hurt his feelings?

Yes, it applies to everyone. Separated men also need to go through the “interviewing” process with you. Perhaps even more than someone who was never married and doesn’t have children. Because being separated and having kids is complicated. You need to ask all sorts of questions. And perhaps yes, ask for divorce papers relatively soon in the relationship, to know where you stand.

You refuse the kiss by saying something like “My rule is no kissing on the first date.” It doesn’t matter if they get offended. You don’t owe them anything. If they start guilt tripping you, feeling sorry for themselves, or telling you how much they like you, you can calmly repeat “I am sorry if you feel disappointed, but I am not kissing on the first date.” So you just re-instate your boundary and stand by it.

I avoided dating for a very long time. I really lost my trust. So I only kept men who were willing to remain platonic. I’m guessing it was a way of protecting my heart. Then I opened it again and got painfully disappointed again. I really lost my trust.

I think your request for platonic love is your way of saying “I want to be seen as a person, not as a sex object.” You need the man to be interested in you as a person, and you miss it because the most important man in your life (your father) wasn’t interested in you. He was cold and distant. You need someone to really see you and appreciate you for who you are. Would you say that’s true?

Dear Lealea,

you’re very welcome!

I play it cool because I have been pretty damaged in the past…

if you want to talk about it, please do. If I understood it right from your previous thread, you were in a serious relationship 3 years ago, and you were planning to get married (you even bought the ring). But I guess something happened and it didn’t work out? If you want to talk about it, I am here…

I know this prob comes down to my ability to know ill be OK regardless of others.

Yeah, we don’t want to get hurt, because we feel it will take us down and we’ll never recover. I guess we lack emotional resilience, which is exactly what you said: being OK, feeling good about ourselves, regardless of others. So even if he turns out to be a j*rk, we won’t be destroyed, we can bounce back pretty easily. Also, we recognize red flags on time and don’t allow to be abused or manipulated for long.

Dear Lealea,

my impression is that you don’t want to be hurt by him. That’s why you are “playing it casual”, even though you might want something more serious? But his initial comment (“women always seem to want to have relationships”) was pretty alarming and potentially revealed someone who doesn’t want a committed relationship. That’s why you’ve put up your guard and are pretending to be casual too. At least this is my impression.

So maybe I’m giving him mixed msgs. I just feel like I’m not sure what he wants. No doubt I should ask to clarify but I’m pretty reserved.

It seems you’re both sending each other mixed messages… Neither of you wants to be hurt by the other, it seems, or wants to appear too vulnerable or needy. He told you he’d like to be exclusive and he wants to spend a lot of time with you. You were like “yah, do whatever you feel you need”. As a reaction, he maybe says something which sounds like objectifying women (“his talk towards me is pretty sexual“), perhaps to appear tough and not needy? And then you conclude that he’s just after sex. Even though he also says other stuff that reveal different intentions (but then he will say something that confuses me).

It seems like neither of you is really admitting what you feel for the other, or what you want from the relationship. His every expression of vulnerability – when met with your feigned “indifference” – is probably followed by a feigned sexism. Which then is a proof to you that he might be superficial, when in reality, he is probably not. And so it goes, round and round….

I’m thinking if I want a more serious relationship then I should cut things off with him

Well, I think you’d need to clarify it with yourself first if you want a more serious relationship. Because it could be that you’ve been hurt in the past (I took the liberty of taking a look at your previous threads, although maybe I drew some false conclusions from it), and you’re afraid to be hurt again. And so you play it “safe”, by playing it casual. But it’s not really fulfilling…

This guy perhaps has the potential to have a deeper relationship, so I am not sure you’d need to cut things off with him. But you’d need to clarify it with yourself first…