Dear Dafne,

you’re very welcome, I’m glad I could help.

Tee, what is your general idea of dating a separated man? If I happen to meet a separated/divorced man in the future, how should I go about it? Is it ok to ask him to see the final divorce papers? If yes, after how many dates to not offend him?

Hmm… good question. I think you don’t need to necessarily ask to see the divorce papers, because as you said, it might be offensive. But rather, you pay attention to his behavior. For example, if he is never available on the weekends, it’s a red flag because it might mean he is at home with his wife and kids. Similarly, if he can only meet you during working hours, and never in the evenings. If he is secretive about some aspects of his life and tends to be unavailable for days. Or if he gets mad at you for trying to reach him outside of the “designated” hours, which he approved of.

Also, if he is still living with his wife, claiming he is “planning to move out”. If he is afraid to be seen with you in public (as the last guy), etc.

In general, if you feel something is off and he seems like hiding something, or things don’t add up. All those are signs that he is leading a double life and is trying to trick you.

Also, if he seems very emotionally attached to his (soon to be ex) wife or ex girlfriend, i.e. constantly talking about how badly she behaved, how she hurt him etc. Focusing too much on his pain in a past relationship can be a sign that he is technically free, but emotionally not – that he’s still not over his ex.

And would you advice to stay friends first with any separated man and date other men meanwhile (until his divorce is finalised)?

Yes, I guess you can be friends with a separated man – provided that he is willing to get to know you as a person, go on walks with you, go for coffee/lunch with you, go for hiking or other similar activities (if that’s what you’re both interested in). In other words, if he shows interest in you as a person, and isn’t trying to get physical immediately.

I think if you are developing a relationship with one man, and he seems genuine and you like him, I personally wouldn’t go for other dates at the same time. But that’s just me and my preferences…

In your previous post you said:

I believe in friendships before any physical contact. The problem is that men that I’ve met do not want to be friends first and try to kiss me pretty soon. I always refuse the kiss in the first weeks of meeting and it always ends there.

That’s unfortunate that men don’t really want to get to know you better, and expect sex rather early on. In what circumstances do you meet those men, if I may ask? Perhaps online?

Dear Katrine,

Yeah they want him to stay there during the high season.

And that would be summer time? And the rest he would be allowed to work remotely?

It’s not a good sign that his boss is not keeping his word and makes him work more than initially agreed. But I understand that he doesn’t want to reject it as this point, since he is in Brazil and needs the money, so he’s sort of dependent on them. He doesn’t want to close the door on something that might be his “dream job”, as you’ve described it.

I think that even if he says yes now, he can change his mind later, once he is in Portugal and sees how things work. Even if he signs the contract, he has the right to quit, so I wouldn’t see it as tragedy if he accepts the job at this point.

You can even have a long-distance relationship for a while. I was in a LDR with my now husband for 5 years. Portugal is Europe, so it shouldn’t be so hard to travel and visit each other. Of course, the precondition is that he has some guaranteed free time, such as on weekends, and that they don’t cheat about that. But if they prove to be a cheating, exploitative company, he can always quit.

So I think this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship, and that it’s still doable, even if there are challenges. Try not to look at it in black-and-white terms – there are many possibilities how you can be a couple, and yet not live together all the time, at least for the time being. Be creative, be flexible. If you both want to be together and love each other, it can be arranged.

I have found a therapist back home (she does online sessions as well) and she works with improving romantic relastionsships, from heart ache to attachment style and all of that. I think that would be really helpful for me because this rollercoaster is too much for me.

It’s a great idea to work with a therapist. I know it’s hard for you, because you thought you can finally be happy with someone who loves you, and then obstacles appeared. And we, people with C-PTSD, can’t handle obstacles very well. It all seems scarier and worse than it really is. You feel helpless, although you are not really, because there are options to work around this problem. You just have to trust that it’s possible!

So please, don’t lose hope, don’t think it’s the end of love. It’s just life with its obstacles…. but you know how they say: where there is will, there is a way.

I am rooting for you! Let me know what he decided…

Thanks for the tip, Ocean Shayan. You take care too!

Hey SereneWolf,

I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healing…

Oh good! Here’s another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.

That one is great too!

No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I don’t like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. That’s not love. That’s simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I don’t think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me

Yeah I know what you mean – when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, I’ve met such people. Don’t like them either…

Yes I’m keeping my cool but like you said sometimes I’m just boiling inside

Right, you seem “calm and composed”, but that’s because you’re good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isn’t related to the actual person standing in front of you, but it’s the anger at your father… and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesn’t show on the outside. Or at least it’s not so obvious…

Ah right it’s been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?

There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls “The Daily Practice.” The video describing it is titled “Calm Anxiety – Learn this simple technique 15 minutes“. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.

I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about what’s behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.

Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?

Yes, you’d need to really accept that you are worthy, special and unique. That you have gifts and talents, and that your contribution is important and valuable. That you and your contribution matter. That you are important.

Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?

Dear Katrine,

oh I see, he’s thinking of moving to Portugal… It might be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean it has to be over between you two. It’s great you’re communicating about it and that his feelings haven’t changed. That’s the most important.

So my advice is not to freak out and run away from him. My advice is to actually have that trip to Portugal in June, maybe a prolonged one (if you could stay for at least a couple of weeks or even longer?), and see how you feel with him, how things are progressing, how you feel about a future together… Because Portugal is beautiful, you know 🙂 I’ve been there and it’s amazing, so who knows, maybe you decide to move there too?

I wouldn’t exclude anything at this point, but would give myself a chance to explore, to see what the future brings…

Hi Ocean Shayan,

well, unfortunately not everything is good in my life at the moment, since I am suffering from some health issues, which are turning chronic, so it’s giving me a hard time. But I hope I’ll be able to get better sooner than later….

Good to hear you are interested in reiki. Are you using it for your own healing?

Dear Katrine,

Nothing new happened just that we don’t talk as much as I would like.

Is it because he’s busy? Have you told him you’d like to talk more frequently? Btw how often do you talk?

Cuz i don’t have control over it and I don’t know if he is just gonna forget about me. If he was still working here i don’t think my anxiety would be so bad, cuz then i would know that he was definitly coming back. But with hus new job having head quaters in Portugal where he has lived before and he even has family there.

I see it’s hard for you, and I think it’s the fear of abandonment and rejection coming up. And it’s probably the same kind of fear you grew up with…Perhaps it could help if you had a doll or a fluffy animal who represents you as a child, and to just hold and caress that doll, and tell her you are with her and that everything will be fine. The idea is to stay in touch with your inner child and soothe her.

And also, talk to him, tell him you miss him, be open about it. You’ve got nothing to lose if you’re open about it – and much to win.

Let me know how it is going…

Hey SereneWolf,

Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! it’s much clearer to me and yeah, I do like “I’m easy to love” affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat

You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.

There’s another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because it’s been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)

Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

[Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?] — Yes Exactly!

Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression). Anyway, I think processing your anger will do you good in more than one way.

Regulations my emotions, that’s we are already working on so. What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?

Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?

You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

About boundaries you’re right and for so long he haven’t disrespected any of my boundaries tbh

That’s good to hear!

Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you haven’t done something worthwhile?

Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with 🙂 We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

I’m not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?

Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!

You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!