Dear Freddie,

you’re very welcome.

She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before.

Yeah that’s strange that she blamed you for not inquiring, and then when you did, she refused to talk about it. Also, you said it was your idea to take her daughter out several times in the past, but after a few occasions that fizzled out, and she blamed it either on her daughter (that she’s not interested) or on her parents (that they don’t allow it). BTW did you ask her at that time why her parents were objecting?

In any case, it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t too eager to meet her daughter, but then she blamed you, using “attack is the best form of defense” strategy. Shifting the blame on you.

She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront

Yeah, this seems like something she doesn’t want to address, and it’s pretty major. She cannot really claim that she is willing to work on your problems, when she is refusing to address this super important issue. She is fooling herself, or at least fooling you.

I have always been a more negative mindset kind of person and I have always looked for faults and flaws In the relationship and life in general, rather than focusing on the good

Well it seems that in this case you were right not to focus only on the good stuff, but also to want to clarify the murky stuff, instead of sticking your head in the sand…. If you want to talk more about having a negative mindset (or perhaps it was the circumstances that lead you to be cautious with people?), you’re welcome…

Dear SereneWolf,

it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist.

The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.

Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

Dear Freddie,

I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk.

This to me is a red flag because if you’re married to someone (which you were planning to), there shouldn’t be taboo topics and secrets. It does seem she was uncomfortable to talk about some parts of her life. And even if it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her daughter, she should be willing to talk about it with you, as her partner and confidante. If she is reluctant to share her thoughts and feelings with you on such an important subject, it’s definitely not a good sign.

My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.

Well, her behavior with her daughter does raise suspicion about her motherly instinct… And if she does care about her daughter and isn’t the one who is responsible for estrangement – then indeed, why doesn’t she want to talk about it? So again, I understand your suspicion.

As for her spending habits, that too is concerning. She seems to lean towards overspending and as you say, she wasn’t able to clear her debt even though she is making good money. So maybe it’s a perpetual cycle of spending too much and always being in debt. But the most worrying is that she doesn’t want to talk about that either. It seems she just wants be left alone and no questions asked.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long.

I see… so you’ve had your concerns, but didn’t dare to ask her about it? When she brushed you off, you sort of accepted it and haven’t bothered her anymore?

I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame.

Perhaps you haven’t demanded answers because you felt guilty for being too nosy, or too judgmental? Or she told you you were “too judgmental and narrow minded“?

Dear Freddie,

I think your concerns are valid, since your partner isn’t upfront about important parts of her life, such as the relationship with her child from a previous relationship. And also about her debts, since you say she used to spend a lot of money. Is she still spending a lot?

So if there are some major secrets that she is keeping, it’s a valid enough reason for caution. Specially since she doesn’t seem willing to talk about it honestly.

I think you shouldn’t go against your key values, so it seems to me you did the right thing when you took a break from the relationship. You said:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left.

So you did try to address those 2 key stumbling blocks: her money spending habits and her relationship with her child. You say you agreed to work on things. What have you agreed on regarding those 2 main issues, if I may ask?

Dear John,

Assuming it is true, any idea what I need to do to fix the problem and what would it actually involve. Therapy of some sort presumably.

I think the most important for you would be to realize that your basic emotional needs were probably not met. And that you’d need what is called reparenting of the inner child.

There is a great video about it on youtube, by Barbara Heffernan, titled “Reparenting yourself.” It gives an overview of what it means to reparent oneself, and what our basic needs are (some of them are self-care, emotional validation, emotional regulation etc).

You can do parts of the reparenting process by yourself, but it would be better to have help of a therapist, someone skilled in working with the inner child or complex PTSD. I’d look for such a therapist, because you said CBT wasn’t too efficient for you.

If you’d like to talk more about it here, on your thread, you’re welcome. I’d be glad to help if I can.

Dear SereneWolf,

when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.

The way I see it is that it depends on her intention. If her intention was to spend time with you, and she’d rather talk than watch a movie, I don’t see it as a big problem. Specially if it didn’t happen often. If on the other hand she tended to cancel or change plans often, without any particular reason, that’s already a problem.

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words!

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this?

Hahaha… yeah, it does sound like a movie title, and believe it or not, there already is a movie with such title (I’ve just checked). But anyway, having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.

That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?

Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Before when my 1st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

Dear SereneWolf,

Yes that what happens!

Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again

Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic 🙂 I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

This is so accurate! Yup definitely!

Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work

Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

I mean few years back when I just started working.

Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?