Dear Katrine,

It happened when he was talking to me.

Okay, so he tends to forget people’s names when talking to you. At the yoga date, when he was leading a yoga session, you said he could hardly remember some words, such as body parts. You even suspected he was on something… What could be the reason he forgets words around you is that his anxiety goes up when around you – because he likes you.

He might indeed experience discomfort because he isn’t neutral towards you. But at the same time, he didn’t want a relationship with you, which would indicate that he is highly conflicted and confused. Or he fears relationship tremendously.

In fact, during the last 9 months since he’s been working at the hostel, and having met dozens of pretty girls, I guess – he hasn’t started dating any of them. If he is cute and popular with women, I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t date – unless he is afraid of a relationship. And that might be the main reason why he rejected you – even though he might like you.

Of course, that’s just a speculation. We don’t know why he rejected you, but it’s a possibility, considering everything you wrote about him and his behavior.

A little bit. It feels like i overstepped a boundary but I know i didn’t i become very avoident when i like someone so i know i didn’t.

You didn’t overstep a boundary – he had been showing consistent interest in you, and so you just sped things up. It was totally legitimate.

The fact that he is feeling anxious around you is not your fault whatsoever. If he likes you (but fears relationship), it’s his problem. If he doesn’t like you, but feels weird knowing that you like him – it’s again his problem, not yours. Because each of us is responsible for our feelings, so he needs to be able to self-regulate. It’s not your responsibility to regulate his feelings.

So please, Katrine, you have absolutely no responsibility for his feelings. You haven’t hurt him or done anything wrong to him – you only expressed your interest, after he had been showing interest in you for at least a couple of months prior.

Blaming yourself for things you’re absolutely not responsible for is very likely the legacy of your relationship with your sister and parents, who all blamed you for things you haven’t done. Specially your sister and father blamed you (and are still blaming you). The blame and guilt-tripping that you received from them became internalized, and now it is you who is blaming  yourself for things that are absolutely not your fault.

How do you feel about this? Does it seem plausible?

Dear Katrine,

He doesn’t use other people’s names when he greets them just me.

You said he forgot the name of some people whom he worked with, including Y. Did it happen in a conversation with you that he couldn’t remember the names of those people?

And not only is it hard because I feel excluded but also a people pleaser always making sure people around me were happy, the mere thought that I’m just plain cuasing him discomfort is really really hard.

Are you saying that you feel guilty that he feels discomfort around you? Are you blaming yourself that he isn’t so relaxed around you like he is around other girls?

I feel very defeated in my love life. What I want the most is a partner and I have only had two months of that in my life, and so much heartache. It’s such a rollercoaster for me and a lot of mental energy for me.

I hear you, Katrine. I know it’s hard. But I also know that as you continue on your healing journey and start loving yourself more and more, you will be attracted to emotionally healthier people, people who will be able to return your love. And being in love won’t feel so exhausting and defeating any more. Trust me, Katrine, that time will come.

Dear Katrine,

I am glad to hear that X and Y weren’t high the entire time during your New Year Eve’s get-together, and that you could enjoy their usual, friendly selves (not their “party selves”).

And now seeing him talk so effordless with any woman at work, but not me.

When he talks to other girls, he doesn’t forget their names (or other people’s names)? Does he have memory problems only when talking to you?

Like i didn’t get friend zoned i got kicked out of the friend zone. And he keeps calling me by Nick name to me that’s what you do with friends, To me that’s like messing with my head.

Well, I can actually understand why he has a hard time being friends and being totally cool and relaxed with you – since there-s more than just friendship there. He knows for sure that you like him, and maybe he likes you too or is confused about how he’s feeling. And so there might be more than friendship on his part too. So he cannot be friends when other vibes are involved too. That’s pretty common, in fact.

he nearly got fired back in August so it is making life hard on him. He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety,

You said he’s drinking and partying a lot, sometimes all day long, without getting any sleep, or getting only 2 hours of sleep. Perhaps that’s the reason he lost 4 kg in one week? Not some serious illness, but him living a messy, self-destructive life?

Even if he’s suffering from anxiety and trauma, it doesn’t mean he needs to medicate himself with alcohol and drugs. That’s his choice, and this choice – to get regularly drunk and high – affects his mental health, as well as his capacity to love and be in a healthy relationship. He is ruining himself, making it harder for himself to get better and heal.

You’re angry at him for not treating you properly, or for sending you mixed signals…. But he is so confused and erratic that he cannot treat you better in his current state of mind. He cannot even love himself and care about himself, not to mention care about how he treats other people. At least that’s how I see it.

That’s why I think that you’re expecting too much of him. You’re expecting a decent behavior from someone who is so deeply troubled and confused. And then you take it a step further and conclude that it is YOU who is to blame:

i should be proud of trying something outside my comfort zone (yoga session) but I didn’t expect it to be this hard and now i kinda regeret doing it. I feel like i don’t even wanna try and go out and meet someone else, i just had too much heart ache, maybe i am just suposed to just be alone.

You’re making conclusions based on the failure with this troubled guy – someone who has a lot of issues and is unwilling to help himself. Frankly, you’ve chosen an impossible guy to love, and because he doesn’t reciprocate, you conclude that no one will, and that you might as well quit trying.

Can you see how false that reasoning is? Instead of concluding that the guy has a problem, you conclude that you have a problem, and that you have no chance whatsoever of finding someone who could reciprocate your love. Which is so so far from  the truth. The truth is that this specific guy cannot reciprocate your love – but it doesn’t say anything about you, or other guys!

Please, dear Katrine, don’t blame yourself for something which isn’t your fault! In recent times you’ve learned not to blame yourself, even if your sister is blaming you. Now try to expand that to this guy too: don’t blame yourself and don’t make false conclusions about yourself just because this guy isn’t returning your love. Rather, let go of him and start looking elsewhere!

Dear SereneWolf,

I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death 🙂

I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

So in your first relationship, you were pretending to be perfect, and she was pretending that she likes all the things you do, so you would like her better? I mean, that’s what I’ve gleaned from what you’ve shared about her.

If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy?

You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

Dear Katrine,

it’s so good to hear that you had a pleasant, calm New Year’s Eve.

Well there wasn’t any need for me to be nervous since it was just me, X, Y and the new girl that I had a coffee date with. Two of the boys from work ended up not joining because of their work schedule, and the cute guy didn’t come cuz he knew that if he started drinking he wouldn’t stop and the girls and him and one of his friends were gonna go to a rave party the next morning so it was a very calm New Years’ Eve party.

This sounds perfect to me – peaceful, not too loud and relaxed – something I myself prefer. Did you feel good? Did the girls know it was also your birthday that day?

I have been staying for a drink after work a couple of times talking to whoever collegues are there and will keep up doing it. I’m only staying for an hour or so so I can still get my rest (have been working ten days in a row) but being social for even just a little bit is doing me good.

Great! You’re practicing being social, however not exhausting yourself but doing it in moderation. Excellent approach!

I am also glad that your anxiety didn’t go up too much around the guy you like. And that he did nod to you – meaning he has acknowledged you and wasn’t rude/weird, as he sometimes is with you.

As for his birthday, you said “He wasn’t in any obligated to invite me even if I invited him to my place.” — well, it’s customary and polite to return the invitation, i.e. to reciprocate. You invited him to your birthday party (and he came), so he could have invited you to his. But I don’t remember now – was his birthday party after you confessed to him that you like him? Maybe he didn’t invite you since it would have felt awkward?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is customary to return the invitation, so under normal circumstances, he would have been almost “obliged” to invite you. But in this case, if his birthday was after your confession, I can understand why he didn’t invite you…

Writing and reading the past couple of posts about my sister makes me realise that my very strong reaction in regards to not being invited to the guys birthday party isn’t so weird at all. I’ve felt very ashamed of reacting that strongly emotionally to not being invited cuz I didn’t feel I had a right to do so. … But I can now show myself more self compassion of my reactions because now I think that it totally makes sense since they were my primary group and I felt excluded.

Right, for you it felt like a similar rejection and betrayal. You weren’t even so hurt that he rejected you as a girlfriend, but it was more that you felt excluded from the friends circle, right? When he invited them and excluded you, it reminded you of being excluded and betrayed by your sister and your former friend. Which left you feeling alone and unwanted, and believing that you’re a bad person. Am I interpreting this right?

Luckily, you’ve later realized that X and Y actually do like you, that they don’t talk behind your back like your sister did, and don’t play games. They’ve proven themselves to be solid friends, whom you can trust. They are safe people – they won’t hurt you on purpose. And I am glad that you’ve formed a friends circle with them, independent of the guy you like, so you can enjoy their company without worrying about what he will do and how he’ll treat you.

I will definitly spend a minimum time with my sister, it’s better for my health. Luckly with my nephew there’s something to talk about to keep focus away from me and my life which is probably better.

Yes, good that you’re trying to minimize the time spent with your sister. The less contact, the better. And yes, talking about your nephew seems like a neutral topic. Whatever you do, don’t confide in your sister, keep your problems (e.g. love troubles) private, because whatever weakness or vulnerability you share with her, she might use it against you later. So give her as little material as possible to harm you.

A huge thank you to you and Tee, I have made so much progress that I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for you guys. Words cannot explain how grateful I am, as I am continuing this journey of healing.

I am so happy for you, Katrine. You did make an amazing progress and you’re continuing to do so. Wishing you all the best in your journey ahead!

Dear SereneWolf,

Times like this I’d like to remember myself Buddha’s quote – Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true 🙂

You can also search Uncle Iroh philosophy. I think you’d like it

I’ve looked him up: it says he is a retired army general, and a wise mentor to his nephew. Also, that he loved playing with his son when he was little. So yes, a playful, kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure 🙂

My mom never gets angry at me. As for my father at that time I knew even little thing could make him angry. So I was like I’ll face him or just hear his few words…

Didn’t you say earlier that your father used to yell at you for 2-3 hours in a row, even for little things like not handing him the proper tool? So it wasn’t just a few words?

Thankfully I’m not into extreme sports and I’m not being reckless like my teenage years. But I love wandering in nature and hiking. And for hiking sometimes I do push my body limits quite a lot. But even that with being mindful like when I’m 99% sure that my body is able to take this.

Good to hear you’re not into reckless things! It’s okay to push yourself sometimes a little, as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

There’s just something different about pet love. I already feel like I love her more than any of my previous girlfriends

Well, it could be that you feel safer with a pet than with a girlfriend because the pet can’t judge you? I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

I’ll be taking this as experimentations and see how my emotions are reacting to all of this and then proceed if I like her “a lot.” Otherwise just move on.

You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

In relationships I think I learned how to not get attached quickly and move on before it’s too late.

Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

Dear anita,

thank you so much for your concern and your kind words. I do appreciate it. I am going to see a doctor next week and hopefully will get directions about treatment and prospects. I am hoping it will get better…