Hi Freddie,

no we weren’t really resolving anything, think we just fell in the pattern of enjoying each others company when we were together and buried what we really needed to be talking about.

Right… you said you otherwise had an enjoyable relationship (The relationship was happy for the most part, we get on really well, we enjoy similar things, we made each other laugh and the sex life was great), and I can imagine how easy it is slip into the feel-good aspect of it.

It’s like having a pink elephant in the room and pretending it’s not there. As long as both of you pretended, things were fine and enjoyable. But as soon as you started asking questions, you were made to be the bad guy. You disrupted the “idyll”. Only it wasn’t idyll, but something that had the potential to turn into a major problem a few years down the road…

She did talk about it a little bit with me after I set this in motion but again it seemed like the abridged script and I think it’s a bigger, deeper topic than a 10 min chat.

Would you like to share what she said about it? I agree that it’s a big topic, and not something you can explain in 10 minutes and then put it to rest forever.

I think it became easy to put the blame on me due to the back and forth I was doing and I took a lot of the blame,

Yeah, it seems you felt guilty (and were probably blamed too) for bringing it up again and again, for not being able to let it go. It’s almost like blaming yourself (or being blamed) for mentioning the pink elephant again and again, and refusing to drop the subject…

although I shoulder some responsibility I’m beginning to see that how I was feeling and what I felt were valid too and it seemed them issues became non issues to her, but they were never fully resolved.

I am glad you’re starting to see that your feelings and concerns are valid. And that it’s not the way to go if she believes that what concerns you (and rightly so) is a non-issue and refuses to talk about it.

I need start getting a grip on why I feel anxious and looking at dealing with these issues around feeling guilty all the time.

Yeah, I think so too. What occurred to me is that there might be a certain similarity between you walking on eggshells around her for the past 6 years and basically people-pleasing her (not asking “uncomfortable” questions), and what you said about your childhood and people-pleasing those “friends” of yours. Perhaps you didn’t dare to stand up for yourself back then, similarly like you didn’t dare to stand up for yourself until very recently now, in your relationship?

Hi Freddie,

I didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.

I see… that’s an important piece of information that you haven’t really confided in anyone, and that you bottled it up and tried to deal with it on your own (which was to people please, to avoid further bullying). It’s always harder if we need to deal with bullying on our own, without the support of adults. Do you know why you didn’t say anything to your parents, not even to your father?

I am asking because by the time the bullying happened (you said early teens and earlier – which would means around 10 years old?), you might have already concluded why turning to your parents for help might not be a good idea (e.g. you didn’t want to make them worry or burden them, or you didn’t feel they would understand and support you, or maybe they would have made a too big deal out if it, which you didn’t want. There can be a number of reasons – I am just listing various possibilities here).

I know you said there was no particular trauma in your childhood and you had a good upbringing:

It’s hard to pinpoint where this comes from as there is nothing particularly traumatic in my past and had a good family upbringing.

However, we as children are often unaware of subtle emotional wounding that we might have suffered, even with well-intentional parents. If there was no physical abuse, no bullying or extreme criticism, we might believe that everything was fine. When in reality, we might have missed something and our emotional needs weren’t met properly. This all could have lead to us to not want to confide in our parents and to suffer alone, so to speak.

I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not.

Now that we’ve talked for a while and I gave you the feedback that in my opinion, you’re doing the right thing for wanting clarification and more honesty on her part – how do you feel? Are you still feeling you’re making a mistake for sticking to your values? And for standing up for yourself in this major issue?

I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.

I understand that. You regret that you haven’t spoken up earlier, but only 6 months after your engagement. And you’d been together for 6,5 years before that. I get that. But actually, you did speak up earlier, only not with that level of intensity. You asked questions, but they were never answered. They were brushed off. You were told you were insensitive for asking those questions. You were also blamed for not inquiring about your partner’s daughter, when in fact she, her mother, didn’t make any initiative to meet her.

So basically you were blamed for asking valid questions. And so you backed off. Because you probably felt guilty for hurting your partner, right? You did say that in therapy you discovered you suffer from guilt and shame. Perhaps that’s why you didn’t dare to ask more frequently, to insist, to be more assertive?

In my opinion, your only mistake was that you weren’t more assertive, that’s it. But you are assertive now! You know what they say: better later than never. You’re standing up for yourself NOW, finally.

But what I am noticing is that guilt is trying to stop you again. Guilt stopped you before (when you tried to clarify things with your partner), and guilt is trying to stop you now, when you’re trying to stand up for yourself at last. So no matter what you do, guilt is there. And it seems to me like guilt for standing up for yourself… What do you think? Do you relate?

Dear Katrine,

glad you’re slowly feeling better!

It’s going the right direction for me, reacting less and less. I feel like I’m in a better head space now to date, so I can enjoy it rather than it being me trying to distract myself.

That’s what’s important – that you’re less and less anxious around him, less and less emotionally reactive. I am really happy for you!

When he wrote me earlier this week telling me that he was going back at thf end of this month and told him that I really hope that he comes back since I feel like we are getting closer and being more than just friends. He said he feels exactly the same, which made me happy.

Good, so you made it clear that you have feelings for him. And he feels the same…. which is amazing!

He also told me that he is coming back is looking for another, which might be better for us since right now he’s working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week so we don’t have much time to see each other.

Wow, he’s really working long hours! Is it his choice, because it doesn’t seem like something the employer is allowed to request? I mean, he’s working 72 hours per week, which is way way too much. I do hope he finds another job because this is unsustainable…

He is very sweet and even after working 12 hours starting at 5 am he would go out with for drinks with me and stay until 9pm. I take that as a good sign

Definitely! The poor guy must be suffering from burnout and is probably in dire need of sleep, but he still finds energy to hang out with you… that must be love 🙂

Dear Freddie,

yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust

Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue

I wonder if there were circumstances in your childhood and upbringing (or perhaps later in life?) that led you to become cautious of people and hard to trust? Because none of us is born non-trusting, but it is what happens to us that shapes us… So any ideas what it might be?

I am sorry you’re feeling down at the moment and very conflicted. I hope you’ll get some clarity and some relief soon enough… And you’re right, try not to reach out to her for the wrong reasons, because it wouldn’t really solve the problem on the long-run, and you’re talking about the long-run stuff here, like marriage and having kids. And it’s not something to take lightly…

Dear Freddie,

I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.

I can understand if she’s been traumatized by the whole experience, which might be a part of the reason why she is reluctant to be in touch with her daughter. But even if so, she would need treatment for that, talk it out in therapy, since being estranged from her daughter isn’t a healthy thing. And also, there must be a reason her parents obtained permanent guardianship of their granddaughter. But she refuses to talk about it.

That’s unacceptable in my books, and even if there is some big trauma involved, she’d need to show some willingness to work on it. Keeping it a secret and pretending it’s not there doesn’t solve a problem. And it shows she isn’t really willing to open up about it to anyone, including you.

She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.

Right… of perhaps it meant the conversation is so triggering for her that she’d need special preparation. However, the fact is that she never allowed this conversation to happen, and never tried to work on the potential trauma with a therapist. So it’s like a tightly sealed box which she refuses to open. Definitely not healthy, specially since it may have repercussion on your relationship and the potential child you may have together. So again, it’s not a trivial thing and not something you should just look away from.

Dear Katrine,

sorry to hear you were sick – have you recovered fully?

I think if it was just a game to keep me interested to feed his ego he would have been “turned on” when men were showing interest in me. But when he saw men flirt with me, heard other men (and me) talk about men flirting with me, he sounded defeaded and became more quiet.

I see… But that too could be that he felt defeated by other men, which made his self-confidence sink. Not necessarily because he wanted to be with you, but because it showed him (in his mind) that he is not as good as other men. I really don’t know. But I don’t want to stretch this further and come up with ideas and theories. It is what it is. He is definitely troubled, he is either conflicted or manipulative, but the most important is that you shouldn’t be sorry for not getting together with him.

And I am so glad you’re moving on from him, and getting fonder and fonder of the chef! The fact that he only wants to leave for a month, whereas before he was planning to be away for 6 months, is a very good sign. I hope he didn’t change his mind about you (doesn’t seem like that!) and that you’ll have a good date next time. Perhaps you should give him some encouragement, since maybe he is still uncertain about your feelings?

Dear SereneWolf,

Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted.

I see.. so it felt like she wasn’t too keen to meet you and hang out with you (online). And it wasn’t because she was super busy with her exams or anything like that? Btw was this your first LDR or the second one, which only lasted for a short time?

In my opinion, LDR only works if you also meet in person from time to time. You said that in your 1st LDR, you’ve never even video called, right? And it lasted for 3 years… that’s pretty mind boggling! But maybe it was during covid, so that’s why?

You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

Yeah, that would be the first step… at least mentally, know that it is possible. It’s not a lost case from the start. There is hope!

Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same.

Because of the attachment – it is in our nature to form deep bonds with people closest to us. Our first attachment “figures” are our parents, and our second major attachment figure is our romantic partner. So what we’ve learned about love and bonding in the relationship with our parents, we carry it over to our romantic relationships. It’s the same “programming”, so to speak.

It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

No, being aware of it is just one part of it. Another part is emotional healing. That’s when the inner child comes into the picture, because the inner child carries those old hurts…

and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.

Yeah, seems you’re conflicted. Like, “I need you so much”, and then in the next moment “I don’t need you at all!”. It’s like love and hate relationship. In fact, our relationship with our parents when we’re children is often like that: we need them, but we also hate them because they don’t give us what we need.

So perhaps this is what happens with you in those moments: when the girl doesn’t give you what you need (e.g. her absolute dedication), you get angry and protest. It’s like the child who protests when the mother doesn’t pay attention to him 100% of the time.

I am not saying you should tolerate if the girl is neglecting you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. I am more talking about the extremes where you maybe expect her to leave everything and spend time with you, even though she is studying for her exam (just as an example – don’t know if it’s applicable?). Maybe in those extremes you don’t have much understanding for her needs, but you demand her time, or else you get very angry? I am not claiming this is true for you, just speculating… so let me know if it applies?

So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

Yes, it’s very possible that you need to better regulate your emotions. If what I suggested above is true, then the main driver for your strong emotions would be the inner child’s feeling of abandonment and anger when he’s not getting 100% attention all the time.

And after my breakup
And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
What do you think about that?

Well, I just yesterday watched a video where they said that around 50% of all relationships among young people are online. Which is a lot! I had no idea it was so much. And I can imagine it gets competitive if one has to compete against dozens of guys online. That’s why I think it’s better to have an in-person relationship, or if you have an LDR, preferably you originally meet the person face-to-face (say on a trip or a business conference). And then you continue LDR, but with regular visits. In any case, I think that being exclusively LDR isn’t optimal because you can’t have that level of bonding being just online.

Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

Good that you’re still focusing on the positives! If you start finding (unjustified) faults in her, notice it and stop yourself, because maybe it’s your outer critic/saboteur in action…

Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

So she’d like to reconcile, but you said no, and she accepts it?

Dear John,

I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

Definitely, I think what’s important is to start working on your ability to protect yourself from the abuse. And the ability to do what you want to do, not always what your wife demands.

You can start with something small – like what restaurant you’d like to go. It doesn’t have to be a major decision, such as to leave your wife.

Have you tried asserting your will in small everyday decisions? And if so, what happened?